Jump to content
Existing user? Sign In

Sign In



Sign Up

Is it okay to be a virgin at my age?


Recommended Posts

I’m male and I’m 27, going to be 28 soon and like the title says I am a virgin. Before I continue I want to mention I’m not religious so that’s the reason.a

Okay, so for many years it has been by choice. I didn’t want to sleep with just anybody and I always thought that if anyone I was with was willing to wait then that made even more special. I’m not saying anything like waiting for marriage but when I was a teen and even up to just about a year ago I thought it was sweet and something worth finding the right person for. When I do go on dates or am messaging someone and the subject comes up it’s caused and issue. Most of the time I’ve been told there must be something wrong with me or that they don’t someone inexpereinced.

I really don’t think it’s something to lie about but if it’s going to stale mate my chances of getting dates then I don’t know what to do. I know what people might say, do what you want, or it’s fine. I just don’t. Have I reached the age where so much experience is expected and rejection is going to be the norm or majority just because I choose to not have sex.

Link to comment

Yeah, definitely! The concept of virginity is mostly something humans made-up anyway. There's nothing better or worse about a person just because they have or have not had sex. It's your choice, and I would say keep doing what you're doing as long as you're happy and not hurting anyone.

Link to comment
13 hours ago, LoveWetUndies said:

I’m male and I’m 27, going to be 28 soon and like the title says I am a virgin. Before I continue I want to mention I’m not religious so that’s the reason.a

Okay, so for many years it has been by choice. I didn’t want to sleep with just anybody and I always thought that if anyone I was with was willing to wait then that made even more special. I’m not saying anything like waiting for marriage but when I was a teen and even up to just about a year ago I thought it was sweet and something worth finding the right person for. When I do go on dates or am messaging someone and the subject comes up it’s caused and issue. Most of the time I’ve been told there must be something wrong with me or that they don’t someone inexpereinced.

I really don’t think it’s something to lie about but if it’s going to stale mate my chances of getting dates then I don’t know what to do. I know what people might say, do what you want, or it’s fine. I just don’t. Have I reached the age where so much experience is expected and rejection is going to be the norm or majority just because I choose to not have sex.

Well, you're doing better than I am.  You're only turning 28.  I turned 40 last summer and I am still a virgin.  The concept of a 40 year old virgin is so ridiculous to some that they made an entire comedy movie about the very idea.

I wish I could just give you encouragement here, but honestly, for many people it will be an issue.  For a lot of people sexual intimacy, including intercourse, is an important part of a relationship.  And, when potential partners learn you are a virgin, that could seem to your potential partners as if you won't be capable of engaging in that level of intimacy with them, or if you are, it will be in such a stunted, held back way, that they might not find it fulfilling.

Now, this isn't to say that this will be the case for everyone.  There are plenty of people out there who won't mind that you are a virgin, or might even prefer it for various reasons.

Take my own situation as an example- I am now engaged to an absolutely wonderful woman who I love deeply.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  But, due to sexual trauma she experienced at a young age, intercourse for her is impossibly difficult.  Trying to have sex triggers panic attacks, so for her, getting to be with someone who isn't expecting sex, is a positive.

But as long as you are content being a virgin, and willing to recognize that finding the right partner might take a little bit of extra work, nothing else should matter. 

As for myself and why I am still a virgin, there are several reasons.  Part of it comes from sex abuse I suffered as a child, but part of it also comes from the community I grew up in and the very conservative messaging I received about sex.  That, plus my first serious girlfriend being highly abusive, I developed so much anxiety around the idea of sexual intimacy that I become overwhelmed with guilt, to the point of becoming physically ill, when it comes to even discussing my own sexual pleasure.  Basically, I'm okay with everyone else being able to experience sexual pleasure, but for me, it feels like something that is just wrong for me to be able to have.  Something that was meant for other people, but is off limits for me.

Link to comment
12 hours ago, lsn1 said:

Yeah, definitely! The concept of virginity is mostly something humans made-up anyway. There's nothing better or worse about a person just because they have or have not had sex. It's your choice, and I would say keep doing what you're doing as long as you're happy and not hurting anyone.

Thanks for the advice.

10 hours ago, TVGuy said:

Well, you're doing better than I am.  You're only turning 28.  I turned 40 last summer and I am still a virgin.  The concept of a 40 year old virgin is so ridiculous to some that they made an entire comedy movie about the very idea.

I wish I could just give you encouragement here, but honestly, for many people it will be an issue.  For a lot of people sexual intimacy, including intercourse, is an important part of a relationship.  And, when potential partners learn you are a virgin, that could seem to your potential partners as if you won't be capable of engaging in that level of intimacy with them, or if you are, it will be in such a stunted, held back way, that they might not find it fulfilling.

Now, this isn't to say that this will be the case for everyone.  There are plenty of people out there who won't mind that you are a virgin, or might even prefer it for various reasons.

Take my own situation as an example- I am now engaged to an absolutely wonderful woman who I love deeply.  I can't imagine being with anyone else.  But, due to sexual trauma she experienced at a young age, intercourse for her is impossibly difficult.  Trying to have sex triggers panic attacks, so for her, getting to be with someone who isn't expecting sex, is a positive.

But as long as you are content being a virgin, and willing to recognize that finding the right partner might take a little bit of extra work, nothing else should matter. 

As for myself and why I am still a virgin, there are several reasons.  Part of it comes from sex abuse I suffered as a child, but part of it also comes from the community I grew up in and the very conservative messaging I received about sex.  That, plus my first serious girlfriend being highly abusive, I developed so much anxiety around the idea of sexual intimacy that I become overwhelmed with guilt, to the point of becoming physically ill, when it comes to even discussing my own sexual pleasure.  Basically, I'm okay with everyone else being able to experience sexual pleasure, but for me, it feels like something that is just wrong for me to be able to have.  Something that was meant for other people, but is off limits for me.

I’m glad things worked out for you and thanks for advice and dharing.

9 hours ago, Codedog92 said:

I’m 31 going 32 and I still am one. Embarrassing for me but I guess it’s not going to happen anytime soon 

Yeah, I think it’s embarrassing at my age. Honestly I through I’d have a family by now but that’s life I suppose. Wishing you the best.

43 minutes ago, knockonthedoor said:

Considering we’re around the same age and I lost mine to a crazy woman that could have been violent…just know that it could be worse.

I’m sorry to hear that it had to happen to a crazy woman. Trust me I’ve been there. I’ve been in a toxic relationship before. 

Link to comment

35 year old guy here, also a virgin, for me it's a mixture of being socially awkward and not having anything in the way of a dating life along with a general lack of interest in just having sex for the sake of it.... After all, you don't miss what you haven't had! 😜

 

It's a personal choice, as others above me have said... Although in my mind, if being a virgin is such a dealbreaker when dating then i personally wouldn't want to be with that person anyway! If anything, your honesty should be valued instead! Better to be honest instead of lying and then ending up in a bigger mess...

 

It's a tricky one... If you want a relationship then you'll have to accept that it might be difficult to find the right person and it might take some time (hopefully not though, you deserve to be happy! ❤️)... Or lie, but then accept that there might be consequences from it later on... 

Or if, like me, you're not too bothered about human company then get a cat or a dog for company instead and enjoy the freedom of the single life!

Who knows, maybe that might even help with dating! 😋

Link to comment

Hello there

Several of the answers here are great and it's nice to see that there's been a lot of positivity. As someone who is also in this bracket I can kinda get where things are coming from. Sure, I'm young and naive at 20 some might say. From my experience the whole rush for "losing it" is nonsensical anyways.

I'd rather be my ordinary low drive self and just chill with friends and company. What matters is your happiness, whether that be content as an asexual person, like me with just a very low drive, personal choice or a whole host of other possible reasons.

I have a habit of waffling so I hope you've found comfort in some of the wiser people here. I hope you find the answers and comfort you seek

Link to comment

Another one here, a little older still than those who’ve already posted… just never had the indication that anyone’s interested in me in that way. I certainly see the “dating game”, apps etc. as something that would be absolute torture and more than likely fruitless, and having little current social life beyond work and extended family, prospects of anything occurring “naturally” are very limited.

I have considered using a “professional” on and off for a long time, but haven’t had the nerve to do so, and scared of being robbed/scammed/infected/it coming back to bite me in some other way. Obviously that’s an option for anyone prepared to take the chance, but is it just the sex you want, to cross it off the list, or something more?

As for whether it’s “OK”, well there’s no obligation to have done anything at any age. Everyone’s different, and whether it’s a big issue depends on how much you want it, for yourself rather than societal expectations (in terms of the latter you can always lie, directly or simply by omission!) For me it’s not something all-consuming but does nag away at me from time to time, though I can satisfy physical needs myself. The emotional/relationship side is almost a different issue anyway. I think it does get harder the older you get, but is it worth doing something under the wrong circumstances just to be able to say you have? I’m not so sure.

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Accident_Prone said:

35 year old guy here, also a virgin, for me it's a mixture of being socially awkward and not having anything in the way of a dating life along with a general lack of interest in just having sex for the sake of it.... After all, you don't miss what you haven't had! 😜

 

It's a personal choice, as others above me have said... Although in my mind, if being a virgin is such a dealbreaker when dating then i personally wouldn't want to be with that person anyway! If anything, your honesty should be valued instead! Better to be honest instead of lying and then ending up in a bigger mess...

 

It's a tricky one... If you want a relationship then you'll have to accept that it might be difficult to find the right person and it might take some time (hopefully not though, you deserve to be happy! ❤️)... Or lie, but then accept that there might be consequences from it later on... 

Or if, like me, you're not too bothered about human company then get a cat or a dog for company instead and enjoy the freedom of the single life!

Who knows, maybe that might even help with dating! 😋

I accept that it might be hard or take time. I agree with honesty should be valued it’s just a lot of people don’t care.

1 hour ago, SuperKaylee said:

Hello there

Several of the answers here are great and it's nice to see that there's been a lot of positivity. As someone who is also in this bracket I can kinda get where things are coming from. Sure, I'm young and naive at 20 some might say. From my experience the whole rush for "losing it" is nonsensical anyways.

I'd rather be my ordinary low drive self and just chill with friends and company. What matters is your happiness, whether that be content as an asexual person, like me with just a very low drive, personal choice or a whole host of other possible reasons.

I have a habit of waffling so I hope you've found comfort in some of the wiser people here. I hope you find the answers and comfort you seek

I wouldn’t say sex is important to me but I wouldn’t consider myself asexual. Maybe when I do it for the first time I’ll care more but I don’t finding a partner that isn’t very serious it. It’s just hard to find people like that. And don’t worry your message was as helpful and valued as everyone else’s.

43 minutes ago, nappypants said:

Another one here, a little older still than those who’ve already posted… just never had the indication that anyone’s interested in me in that way. I certainly see the “dating game”, apps etc. as something that would be absolute torture and more than likely fruitless, and having little current social life beyond work and extended family, prospects of anything occurring “naturally” are very limited.

I have considered using a “professional” on and off for a long time, but haven’t had the nerve to do so, and scared of being robbed/scammed/infected/it coming back to bite me in some other way. Obviously that’s an option for anyone prepared to take the chance, but is it just the sex you want, to cross it off the list, or something more?

As for whether it’s “OK”, well there’s no obligation to have done anything at any age. Everyone’s different, and whether it’s a big issue depends on how much you want it, for yourself rather than societal expectations (in terms of the latter you can always lie, directly or simply by omission!) For me it’s not something all-consuming but does nag away at me from time to time, though I can satisfy physical needs myself. The emotional/relationship side is almost a different issue anyway. I think it does get harder the older you get, but is it worth doing something under the wrong circumstances just to be able to say you have? I’m not so sure.

No, I wouldn’t say it’s worth doing anything under the wrong circumstances. Personally on a financial level and physical disability I find it hard to get out much. So for me it’s not like I’m going to a bar or club. I’ve done the online dating thing on different apps and the such and not much luck. Objectively speaking I’m not the top of the pick in any category and with what I’ve stated before I’m not most people first pick. I understand the whole there is someone for everyone and I do believe in that.

Link to comment
6 minutes ago, LoveWetUndies said:

No, I wouldn’t say it’s worth doing anything under the wrong circumstances. Personally on a financial level and physical disability I find it hard to get out much. So for me it’s not like I’m going to a bar or club. I’ve done the online dating thing on different apps and the such and not much luck. Objectively speaking I’m not the top of the pick in any category and with what I’ve stated before I’m not most people first pick. I understand the whole there is someone for everyone and I do believe in that.

I’m still waiting to be convinced on that one!

Strange that how when online dating started it was kind of stigmatised as being for people who couldn’t meet someone any other way. Now it’s the complete opposite, where it sounds like it’s populated by a “certain type” of person and if you don’t fit the mould you won’t get anywhere.

Link to comment
On 1/8/2024 at 10:23 AM, LoveWetUndies said:

I’m male and I’m 27, going to be 28 soon and like the title says I am a virgin. Before I continue I want to mention I’m not religious so that’s the reason.a

Okay, so for many years it has been by choice. I didn’t want to sleep with just anybody and I always thought that if anyone I was with was willing to wait then that made even more special. I’m not saying anything like waiting for marriage but when I was a teen and even up to just about a year ago I thought it was sweet and something worth finding the right person for. When I do go on dates or am messaging someone and the subject comes up it’s caused and issue. Most of the time I’ve been told there must be something wrong with me or that they don’t someone inexpereinced.

I really don’t think it’s something to lie about but if it’s going to stale mate my chances of getting dates then I don’t know what to do. I know what people might say, do what you want, or it’s fine. I just don’t. Have I reached the age where so much experience is expected and rejection is going to be the norm or majority just because I choose to not have sex.

Yeah lol, life isn’t only about sex and you can be happy without being in a sexual or romantic relationship, contrary to what the media says. I mean I’m not planning on dating anyone anytime soon or ever really.

Link to comment

Having not had any intercourse before myself (I'm 32), there are a couple of positives here that I like to think of.

Firstly, the younger and faster you go into it, the more impulsive and awkward and unknowing it's likely to be. Those youngsters whom I've enjoyed an open dialogue with often have reported that, on the female side, their boyfriends rarely if ever pleasure them successfully, and on the male side, they're happy with the pleasure they receive without thinking much about whether their partner has truly received the same. There's more ego involved than mutual pleasure. From that unhealthy attitudes or ideas get developed or fueled, and it takes longer for both to enjoy sex to its greatest fulfillment. From what I've heard/deduced. Obviously I don't mean to suggest that's every teenager.

Secondly, you get time to mature and refine what you can learn about it as you prioritize other things than losing your virginity. Having female friends as a male is an awesome advantage. Having women feel comfortable around you, willing to be open, is a great privilege because you can use that wisdom in your own attitude and comfort when it does eventually happen. Not having actual sex doesn't fully demystify it, sure, but having a good idea of what women experience and take from negative sexual experiences, and what they like, is a good primer to the respect, compromise, and communication that goes into it. Not just about sex itself, but the circumstances around it too, like contraceptives and power dynamics. I've only gone so far as oral and sleeping with a woman, and that was only last year. My body had other ideas when it came to 'arriving' for intercourse. I didn't feel any childishness or embarrassment or self-pity. Instead I just went with the flow and had a gentle milestone of a night with someone who got to enjoy an orgasm or two on my behalf. Had I been 19 or 20, I might have felt all sorts of negative feelings. I certainly have over the years, like I'm 'behind.' But what I make up for given lack of experience is healthy consideration, better respect, and helpful knowledge as a guide. I think and hope I have a better attitude towards it.

Also, western media is sex-obsessed. What Hollywood comedy doesn't have a main character who gets the girl or into her pants? In what Michael Cera vehicle does he not lose his virginity? Forget those. Read some good books. The Joy of Sex is informative. Make lots of female friends first if you haven't. Do that, and having your first sex won't be like the movies at all. It shouldn't be. Be you.

Oh, also: Far fewer men have had sex than you think. No one likes to admit after age 18-22 that they're still a virgin. While the odds may be in their favour generally, they're certainly inflated to a good degree. It's not easy to get anywhere because we let Tinder and other apps do it for us rather than learning how to explore and converse and have interests to make us interesting to others. But that's my view.

Edited by RTY1 (see edit history)
Link to comment
6 hours ago, TJP_Parrot said:

Yeah lol, life isn’t only about sex and you can be happy without being in a sexual or romantic relationship, contrary to what the media says. I mean I’m not planning on dating anyone anytime soon or ever really.

I agree you don’t need either type of relationship to be happy but a romantic relationship is what I’m ultimately after. I’ve been in a few great relationships and one of them I thought we’d get married. Turned out she wanted to wait to have sex but then cheated. So yeah I don’t need a romantic relationship but I do want to be in one. 

2 hours ago, RTY1 said:

Having not had any intercourse before myself (I'm 32), there are a couple of positives here that I like to think of.

Firstly, the younger and faster you go into it, the more impulsive and awkward and unknowing it's likely to be. Those youngsters whom I've enjoyed an open dialogue with often have reported that, on the female side, their boyfriends rarely if ever pleasure them successfully, and on the male side, they're happy with the pleasure they receive without thinking much about whether their partner has truly received the same. There's more ego involved than mutual pleasure. From that unhealthy attitudes or ideas get developed or fueled, and it takes longer for both to enjoy sex to its greatest fulfillment. From what I've heard/deduced. Obviously I don't mean to suggest that's every teenager.

Secondly, you get time to mature and refine what you can learn about it as you prioritize other things than losing your virginity. Having female friends as a male is an awesome advantage. Having women feel comfortable around you, willing to be open, is a great privilege because you can use that wisdom in your own attitude and comfort when it does eventually happen. Not having actual sex doesn't fully demystify it, sure, but having a good idea of what women experience and take from negative sexual experiences, and what they like, is a good primer to the respect, compromise, and communication that goes into it. Not just about sex itself, but the circumstances around it too, like contraceptives and power dynamics. I've only gone so far as oral and sleeping with a woman, and that was only last year. My body had other ideas when it came to 'arriving' for intercourse. I didn't feel any childishness or embarrassment or self-pity. Instead I just went with the flow and had a gentle milestone of a night with someone who got to enjoy an orgasm or two on my behalf. Had I been 19 or 20, I might have felt all sorts of negative feelings. I certainly have over the years, like I'm 'behind.' But what I make up for given lack of experience is healthy consideration, better respect, and helpful knowledge as a guide. I think and hope I have a better attitude towards it.

Also, western media is sex-obsessed. What Hollywood comedy doesn't have a main character who gets the girl or into her pants? In what Michael Cera vehicle does he not lose his virginity? Forget those. Read some good books. The Joy of Sex is informative. Make lots of female friends first if you haven't. Do that, and having your first sex won't be like the movies at all. It shouldn't be. Be you.

Oh, also: Far fewer men have had sex than you think. No one likes to admit after age 18-22 that they're still a virgin. While the odds may be in their favour generally, they're certainly inflated to a good degree. It's not easy to get anywhere because we let Tinder and other apps do it for us rather than learning how to explore and converse and have interests to make us interesting to others. But that's my view.

All good points and I agree with you on them.

Link to comment

Ultimately it's up to you whether you want to have sex or not, even if you're a man, don't let anyone tell you differently.  It's also, imho, generally a good thing not to sleep around excessively anyway, that tends to invite problems like STDs, risks of unwanted pregnancies, and other things you're really better off without (nothing against those of you who do so, just understand that you're taking a lot of risks if you don't stay exclusive to one partner at a time).  Better to get too little action than to get too much and wind up with a problem that's not so easily fixed.

  

7 hours ago, RTY1 said:

Having not had any intercourse before myself (I'm 32), there are a couple of positives here that I like to think of.

Firstly, the younger and faster you go into it, the more impulsive and awkward and unknowing it's likely to be. Those youngsters whom I've enjoyed an open dialogue with often have reported that, on the female side, their boyfriends rarely if ever pleasure them successfully, and on the male side, they're happy with the pleasure they receive without thinking much about whether their partner has truly received the same. There's more ego involved than mutual pleasure. From that unhealthy attitudes or ideas get developed or fueled, and it takes longer for both to enjoy sex to its greatest fulfillment. From what I've heard/deduced. Obviously I don't mean to suggest that's every teenager.

Secondly, you get time to mature and refine what you can learn about it as you prioritize other things than losing your virginity. Having female friends as a male is an awesome advantage. Having women feel comfortable around you, willing to be open, is a great privilege because you can use that wisdom in your own attitude and comfort when it does eventually happen. Not having actual sex doesn't fully demystify it, sure, but having a good idea of what women experience and take from negative sexual experiences, and what they like, is a good primer to the respect, compromise, and communication that goes into it. Not just about sex itself, but the circumstances around it too, like contraceptives and power dynamics. I've only gone so far as oral and sleeping with a woman, and that was only last year. My body had other ideas when it came to 'arriving' for intercourse. I didn't feel any childishness or embarrassment or self-pity. Instead I just went with the flow and had a gentle milestone of a night with someone who got to enjoy an orgasm or two on my behalf. Had I been 19 or 20, I might have felt all sorts of negative feelings. I certainly have over the years, like I'm 'behind.' But what I make up for given lack of experience is healthy consideration, better respect, and helpful knowledge as a guide. I think and hope I have a better attitude towards it.

Also, western media is sex-obsessed. What Hollywood comedy doesn't have a main character who gets the girl or into her pants? In what Michael Cera vehicle does he not lose his virginity? Forget those. Read some good books. The Joy of Sex is informative. Make lots of female friends first if you haven't. Do that, and having your first sex won't be like the movies at all. It shouldn't be. Be you.

Oh, also: Far fewer men have had sex than you think. No one likes to admit after age 18-22 that they're still a virgin. While the odds may be in their favour generally, they're certainly inflated to a good degree. It's not easy to get anywhere because we let Tinder and other apps do it for us rather than learning how to explore and converse and have interests to make us interesting to others. But that's my view.


TBF to the guys, I find that women don't always communicate clearly when it comes to sex.  We don't read minds, ladies; no, we won't "get the hint", we're not wired that way, especially not aspies like myself.  If you want us to do the most effective job of getting you off, give us some honest feedback.

Edited by D0nt45k (see edit history)
Link to comment

There's a bunch of complex issues involved here. 

First off - Don't have sex with people unless you genuinely want to. That's a much more important thing than your age, or really anything else. If you haven't met someone you want to bone, or haven't been in a position to do so, then it's not really surprising that you haven't had sex with anyone. You shouldn't feel bad because you are making smart choices. 

Having said that... 

I do have a somewhat different perspective to @RTY1.

On 1/10/2024 at 1:16 AM, RTY1 said:

Firstly, the younger and faster you go into it, the more impulsive and awkward and unknowing it's likely to be. Those youngsters whom I've enjoyed an open dialogue with often have reported that, on the female side, their boyfriends rarely if ever pleasure them successfully, and on the male side, they're happy with the pleasure they receive without thinking much about whether their partner has truly received the same. There's more ego involved than mutual pleasure. From that unhealthy attitudes or ideas get developed or fueled, and it takes longer for both to enjoy sex to its greatest fulfillment. From what I've heard/deduced. Obviously I don't mean to suggest that's every teenager.

Sex is a skill. You get good at it through practice. I'm sure that many people's teenage encounters were disappointing, but that's true for literally anything that you do for the first time. Even if you practice guitar every day, the first time you go play with other people you will suuuuck. And teenagers are certainly renown for being self-centred, so yes I imagine most teenagers are terrible lovers, but they're idiots who are terrible at everything and have terrible haircuts. And while its not the ideal, "getting it over with" and getting used to how sex feels and being confident in your body is not a stupid idea. 

That doesn't mean that you should dive into sex any faster. When you have a good partner you can cut through the learning process and communicate what you both want, so no problems. You shouldn't feel like you've missed out. But the people who started early weren't idiots, they are just different.

On 1/10/2024 at 1:16 AM, RTY1 said:

Secondly, you get time to mature and refine what you can learn about it as you prioritize other things than losing your virginity. Having female friends as a male is an awesome advantage. Having women feel comfortable around you, willing to be open, is a great privilege because you can use that wisdom in your own attitude and comfort when it does eventually happen. Not having actual sex doesn't fully demystify it, sure, but having a good idea of what women experience and take from negative sexual experiences, and what they like, is a good primer to the respect, compromise, and communication that goes into it. Not just about sex itself, but the circumstances around it too, like contraceptives and power dynamics. I've only gone so far as oral and sleeping with a woman, and that was only last year. My body had other ideas when it came to 'arriving' for intercourse. I didn't feel any childishness or embarrassment or self-pity. Instead I just went with the flow and had a gentle milestone of a night with someone who got to enjoy an orgasm or two on my behalf. Had I been 19 or 20, I might have felt all sorts of negative feelings. I certainly have over the years, like I'm 'behind.' But what I make up for given lack of experience is healthy consideration, better respect, and helpful knowledge as a guide. I think and hope I have a better attitude towards it.

You do get time to mature as a human, and that is valuable. Like I said, most teenagers are dreadful lovers because they are young and self-centred. Being more magnanimous is a good thing. But then again, when you're 30 you aren't going to be dating teenagers who are grumbling about how boys their age are bad at sex. You'll be dating 30 year olds, and each one of them will have a different idea what they want from sex. Some of them are going to have pretty drastically different ideas about that.

Also, remember that your partner wants to get you off as well. They will enjoy that. It's tempting to think that most women have had disappointing sex lives, and would appreciate a change and a more thoughtful lover; but just like you can enjoy going down on someone, lots of women enjoy going down on men too. 

There really isn't a single "what women want" you can learn, and I don't think it's helpful to over-analyse that stuff and try to be a sexual intellectual. Go with the flow. Some women want to be lavished, pampered and pleasured at length. Some women want to be slapped around and told they're a whore. Take it as you find it, make your partner happy and don't overthink it. 

On 1/10/2024 at 1:16 AM, RTY1 said:

Also, western media is sex-obsessed. What Hollywood comedy doesn't have a main character who gets the girl or into her pants? In what Michael Cera vehicle does he not lose his virginity? Forget those. Read some good books. The Joy of Sex is informative. Make lots of female friends first if you haven't. Do that, and having your first sex won't be like the movies at all. It shouldn't be. Be you.

It's definitely not going to be like the movies, but that's because your first time is going to be awkward and probably leave both of you feeling embarrassed. If you want to have sex like in the movies (boring, but alright) then you'll get there after a bunch of times learning about your partner. 

And seriously, you don't need to make female friends. If your friends happen to be women, no worries, but don't go out of your way. Most women are suspicious and/or jealous when men have lots of female friends. When you are the person with female friends it seems obvious that "we don't see each other like that" but when you are the outsider, you really want to ask "why not?". 

And to finish up: 

On 1/10/2024 at 6:06 AM, D0nt45k said:

TBF to the guys, I find that women don't always communicate clearly when it comes to sex.  We don't read minds, ladies; no, we won't "get the hint", we're not wired that way, especially not aspies like myself.  If you want us to do the most effective job of getting you off, give us some honest feedback.

This is super important too. Women are just as bad at communicating as men, and communication takes work. It's ironic to think about advising men to make female friends to learn about women, because it sounds like something from a bad romantic comedy; where the someone is asking a friend explicit things about sex but won't ask their partner because it's too awkward. 

A huge part of what makes anyone successful in bed is being the one to ask the question. Not giving them a feedback form. But asking them playfully what works, what doesn't and what fantasies they have. My wife is by a very big margin the hardest person to get off that I've ever met, but you make it work by actually talking about things and finding what really works. 

Link to comment
On 1/11/2024 at 10:55 AM, PiVIP83 said:

When you're 30 you aren't going to be dating teenagers who are grumbling about how boys their age are bad at sex. You'll be dating 30 year olds, and each one of them will have a different idea what they want from sex. Some of them are going to have pretty drastically different ideas about that.

And seriously, you don't need to make female friends. If your friends happen to be women, no worries, but don't go out of your way. Most women are suspicious and/or jealous when men have lots of female friends. When you are the person with female friends it seems obvious that "we don't see each other like that" but when you are the outsider, you really want to ask "why not?". 

And to finish up:

This is super important too. Women are just as bad at communicating as men, and communication takes work. It's ironic to think about advising men to make female friends to learn about women, because it sounds like something from a bad romantic comedy; where the someone is asking a friend explicit things about sex but won't ask their partner because it's too awkward. 

 

A lot of great points about skill and practice and how everyone has a different approach to sex or what they want from it.

However, you could choose to aim at women precisely your age, women five-ten years younger, or older women. And even then, I've met women who are 18 who have a mature attitude towards sex/relationships and those aged 25 who can be more superficial. Generally, it's true that people will be maturer in their sexuality the older they are, but it's not an absolute.

I do want to point out that my suggestion about making female friends was not meant in a predatory or popcorn movie formulaic "figure them out" tone. Or in an over-thinking cover-all-the-intellectual bases tone either. I'm talking beyond just sex, relationships too, which factors into the resultant sex that goes with it.

In my experience, male friends I've had who shirk at the idea of having female friends, seeing them as alien objects to figure out and use mind games to avoid the friend zone, don't tend to get anywhere satisfying nor have any healthy attitudes about relationships. They don't have healthy mindsets generally. They're all about pickup culture, tactical skills to gain something for their singular sexual/egotistical benefit alone because they're frustrated at their lack of sexual prowess and the distortion between their ego and their lack of domination over women. They believe if they have lots of sex to fulfill that image, they will be cured. I once received an e-mail from a friend equating me to his sexual frustration and advertising a pickup seminar we should go to so we could figure out women and 'burn our social impurities' once and for all. Yeah, really?

I get that some women obviously seek that. They're usually kinky in that regard. What I meant was that having a few female friends helps demystify them as objects or people to 'figure out' if you've never really talked to any. You get more perspective and understanding beyond just the frustrated, insular male perspective. Collecting them like research objects for sex was never my suggestion. Throughout my life, I've observed that men who have seemingly healthy relationships typically have a small group (2-4) of female friends, or at least have the ability to converse with them and get on with them. This personal experience is where I'm coming from. Where PiVIP83 comes from is relevant and valid too.

Women could be just as bad at communicating. Doesn't mean all of them are. I think the trope of deferring to friends regarding relationship trouble in comedy is just that - a trope. But absolutely, communication takes loads of work. Anyways, I am guilty of going off track here, coz this is about awkwardness about virginity, not about how to talk to women. Do what's best for you.

Link to comment

As I observed before, people who are good at getting casual sex but not in forming lasting relationships can find it equally unfulfilling as having none at all.

If it’s just a “bucket list” thing for you to tick off, like doing a skydive or bungee jump, then as in those cases, I guess the easiest way is to hire a pro… but I think deep down, most people want more out of it than the pure physical experience.

Link to comment
11 hours ago, RTY1 said:

A lot of great points about skill and practice and how everyone has a different approach to sex or what they want from it.

However, you could choose to aim at women precisely your age, women five-ten years younger, or older women. And even then, I've met women who are 18 who have a mature attitude towards sex/relationships and those aged 25 who can be more superficial. Generally, it's true that people will be maturer in their sexuality the older they are, but it's not an absolute.

I do want to point out that my suggestion about making female friends was not meant in a predatory or popcorn movie formulaic "figure them out" tone. Or in an over-thinking cover-all-the-intellectual bases tone either. I'm talking beyond just sex, relationships too, which factors into the resultant sex that goes with it.

In my experience, male friends I've had who shirk at the idea of having female friends, seeing them as alien objects to figure out and use mind games to avoid the friend zone, don't tend to get anywhere satisfying nor have any healthy attitudes about relationships. They don't have healthy mindsets generally. They're all about pickup culture, tactical skills to gain something for their singular sexual/egotistical benefit alone because they're frustrated at their lack of sexual prowess and the distortion between their ego and their lack of domination over women. They believe if they have lots of sex to fulfill that image, they will be cured. I once received an e-mail from a friend equating me to his sexual frustration and advertising a pickup seminar we should go to so we could figure out women and 'burn our social impurities' once and for all. Yeah, really?

I get that some women obviously seek that. They're usually kinky in that regard. What I meant was that having a few female friends helps demystify them as objects or people to 'figure out' if you've never really talked to any. You get more perspective and understanding beyond just the frustrated, insular male perspective. Collecting them like research objects for sex was never my suggestion. Throughout my life, I've observed that men who have seemingly healthy relationships typically have a small group (2-4) of female friends, or at least have the ability to converse with them and get on with them. This personal experience is where I'm coming from. Where PiVIP83 comes from is relevant and valid too.

Women could be just as bad at communicating. Doesn't mean all of them are. I think the trope of deferring to friends regarding relationship trouble in comedy is just that - a trope. But absolutely, communication takes loads of work. Anyways, I am guilty of going off track here, coz this is about awkwardness about virginity, not about how to talk to women. Do what's best for you.

I appreciate everyone’s input and honestly I didn’t think this many people would comment. As for my experience some of my best friends have been woman. Not that I intended it to be that way, it just happened over time.

1 hour ago, nappypants said:

As I observed before, people who are good at getting casual sex but not in forming lasting relationships can find it equally unfulfilling as having none at all.

If it’s just a “bucket list” thing for you to tick off, like doing a skydive or bungee jump, then as in those cases, I guess the easiest way is to hire a pro… but I think deep down, most people want more out of it than the pure physical experience.

It’s not a “bucket list” type of thing and I guess I misworded the original question. I know what I want and no it’s not just casual sex. At this point in my life I want a serious relationship and to have a family. A goal I’ve had for the longest time. Past relationships failed due to cheating and toxicity. When I try to date now people have been put off by the fact that I’m still a virgin. So my question pretty much boiled down to. Is it okay to be a virgin at 27 even if it is a hindrance to me potentially finding someone to be with? I know having sex won’t just magically make it easier but it’s one less thing.

Link to comment
34 minutes ago, LoveWetUndies said:

When I try to date now people have been put off by the fact that I’m still a virgin. So my question pretty much boiled down to. Is it okay to be a virgin at 27 even if it is a hindrance to me potentially finding someone to be with?

In that case just don’t tell them, and lie if they ask, I mean you can admit you don’t have a lot of experience if you need to… it’s certainly not a dating profile or first date issue anyway.

If you decide you want to “tick the box” with a sex worker that’s fair enough, but is that any less embarrassing to admit to a potential partner, should you need to? Could be more of a problem for those who are strongly against that sort of thing.

But seriously, those who find it a deal-breaker issue are those who aren’t likely to be good people to be with anyway. A bit like those who would, for example, have a problem with dating someone who was incontinent and wore nappies.

Edited by nappypants (see edit history)
Link to comment
On 1/13/2024 at 2:06 PM, LoveWetUndies said:

When I try to date now people have been put off by the fact that I’m still a virgin. So my question pretty much boiled down to. Is it okay to be a virgin at 27 even if it is a hindrance to me potentially finding someone to be with? I know having sex won’t just magically make it easier but it’s one less thing.

Yeah, I agree that you just shouldn't tell them.

If someone you are actively dating is curious about your experience, that's ok and you can tell them. But anyone who sees it as a deal breaker that you won't disclose your body count on a first date is not someone that you are going to form a committed relationship with. 

I think it might be wise to reconsider how/where you meet women, and possibly how you present yourself too. Depressingly, it's quite common to ask about sexual history on dating apps, but I don't think that's true of people that you meet in the real world. And of course dating apps are slanted towards hook ups anyway, so even if you do meet good people there, they are worried about whether you are the one looking for a hook up. On the other end; make sure you put yourself forward as someone who is looking for a serious relationship, and are only interested in sex as part of a relationship. 

Oh and even if you do end up telling people, just don't treat it like it's a big deal. A lot of the time, people are responding to your response, not to what you actually say. 

Edited by PiVIP83 (see edit history)
Link to comment
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...