DOUBLEKILL 28 Posted January 2, 2023 Share Posted January 2, 2023 Yoimiya is now have a challenge by Lumine she ask her to holding their pee for a day Yoimiya accept is and they will make it tomorrow the rule is they can't use diaper or releasing her pee in any possible way after an hour they will have to drink a small bottle of water and the fun thing is they can sabotage each other bladder but not in a hard way like kick or punch they can just press their bladder or grabing opponent boobs but they just can sabotage each other at home who loss will have to wear a very short skirt that is barely hide their panties and also a small slime in their panties challenge started Both Yoimiya and Lumine come to school like normal and before they go to class they chug an water bottle first to warm it up 30 minutes later Yoimiya to feel the urge to pee same as lumine maybe they forgot to pee in the morning but they have decent bladder so they just feel an mild uncomfortable feeling when come to timeoff Yoimiya and Lumine are starting to tighten the pelvic muscle their bladder is filling it but despite that they still drink another bottle For the next 30 minutes they are starting to move their hand to the crotch fortunately no leak yet but is show that they desperatry need to go right now And is time to drink water but yoimiya and lumine can't take it anymore but they have no choice but to take it Yoimiya and lumine having lunch but in pain they are in a very bad position Yoimiya: um~ so how are you doing~ Lumine:Is fi-fine~ Yoimiya: let go back to my apartment wh-when we done ok~~ Lumine: ok~ um~ when they stand up for back to Yoimiya Apartment Lumine taking an leak and she put her hand to her panties Lumine: ah~ it-it can't be Yoimiya:Lumine are you leaking~~~ Lumine no /blush/ no im not Yoimiya:ok i hope we back home as dry as possible Lumine is feeling not to good now her white panties has been stain and now she have to hold it even tighter Yoimiya is not too much better she have to take an leak when her bladder taking an pain Yoimiya:ahh~~ im leaked Her white panties is also stain and damp while they back home they also leaking and maybe they can feel some pee drop out of their panties and their hand Lumine: ahh~ no more umm When they back to yoimiya house lumine surprisingly attack yoimiya Lumine: take this/ press yoimiya bladder Yoimiya: ahh~~ w-what are you doing stop~~ im leaking~~ Yoimiya panties is complete wet and soaked but she still can counter lumine when she rubbing lumine panties and force her to leak Lumine ahhh~~ nono i can't hold it anymore they still attack each other like that and they leak frequenly all of their clothes are damp and smell like pee their panties is so wet and is making them so weak and when yoimiya not didn't see anything Lumine poking hard in Yoimiya panties Lumine: hahh! take it Yoimiya: ahhhhh~~ hahhh~ nonononononono is coming outtt~~ ahhh~~ Yoimiya is completely pee it all out so it lumine but she hold it longer so Lumine win Wait for part 2 guys sorry if this story is bad im still recovering and my health is still not 100% fully healed dbd and AkenoSama 1 1 Quote Link to comment
AuthorFaust 1,292 Posted January 2, 2023 🌟 OmoOrg VIP Share Posted January 2, 2023 The idea is plenty exciting, but the presentation could use some work. It's rough, but I'm sure you could make it into something great. You have it written kind of like a script right now, but you've only halfway committed to that style. I feel like you should pick one direction or the other, and stick with it. Also, there's one tiny little problem: Anyone who doesn't know Genshin Impact doesn't quite get the image of 'Yoimiya' or 'Lumine.' It's pretty customary to give a tiny descriptor when starting a story, at least to give the audience a mental image to work with, when it comes to the characters you use. Of course, when you go into a part 2, you don't need to do it as much, until someone else comes in. It may feel a bit harsh, but it is, as it stands, kind of bad. That doesn't mean it can't be improved. If you want to stick with a script style, then it'd be better to segment out actions, and dialogue, so the reader can read it easier, without having to typewriter their heads mid-sentence. If you want to branch it out, story style, then doing dialogue is done in a different way, so that you can identify who is talking, without having to tag their name in front of it, every time. Some punctuation can help break up the sentences so they don't read at an exhausting pace, and the words used could be a touch more consistent. (Though, if you're not good with words, I can see the trouble or confusion, especially if you're writing english as an outsider). Admittedly, reading this (ashamedly), makes me want to kind of re-write / Re-do it, in a fashion that would make it a touch more palatable for others to read: If not outright make more to the kind of series itself. But, given you're the one who pushed this idea forward, I'm not going to do as such, unless i have your explicit permission. At the very least, I won't be writing the girls here, unless I'm told by you to do as such/permitted. My apologies for coming out of nowhere, and just kind of dunking on your writing that you worked on. I want to see your abilities grow, and I feel being a little honest might help out. Though, above all, first and foremost, get well soon. I don't know what got your health down, but being sick or injured is no fun. Recover first, debate/discuss writing stuff afterwards, perhaps. Grenn34 and Ms. Tito 2 Quote Link to comment
DOUBLEKILL 28 Posted January 3, 2023 Author Share Posted January 3, 2023 11 hours ago, AuthorFaust said: The idea is plenty exciting, but the presentation could use some work. It's rough, but I'm sure you could make it into something great. You have it written kind of like a script right now, but you've only halfway committed to that style. I feel like you should pick one direction or the other, and stick with it. Also, there's one tiny little problem: Anyone who doesn't know Genshin Impact doesn't quite get the image of 'Yoimiya' or 'Lumine.' It's pretty customary to give a tiny descriptor when starting a story, at least to give the audience a mental image to work with, when it comes to the characters you use. Of course, when you go into a part 2, you don't need to do it as much, until someone else comes in. It may feel a bit harsh, but it is, as it stands, kind of bad. That doesn't mean it can't be improved. If you want to stick with a script style, then it'd be better to segment out actions, and dialogue, so the reader can read it easier, without having to typewriter their heads mid-sentence. If you want to branch it out, story style, then doing dialogue is done in a different way, so that you can identify who is talking, without having to tag their name in front of it, every time. Some punctuation can help break up the sentences so they don't read at an exhausting pace, and the words used could be a touch more consistent. (Though, if you're not good with words, I can see the trouble or confusion, especially if you're writing english as an outsider). Admittedly, reading this (ashamedly), makes me want to kind of re-write / Re-do it, in a fashion that would make it a touch more palatable for others to read: If not outright make more to the kind of series itself. But, given you're the one who pushed this idea forward, I'm not going to do as such, unless i have your explicit permission. At the very least, I won't be writing the girls here, unless I'm told by you to do as such/permitted. My apologies for coming out of nowhere, and just kind of dunking on your writing that you worked on. I want to see your abilities grow, and I feel being a little honest might help out. Though, above all, first and foremost, get well soon. I don't know what got your health down, but being sick or injured is no fun. Recover first, debate/discuss writing stuff afterwards, perhaps. First of all im very appriciate the feed back you said to me and yes i admit that this story that is a bit off,Rough and yes im not really making a script out of this and most of my stories i write im never making a script do to the fact that i choose to write in my imagination so is 100% what im thinking and i also want to say that my english grammar is not very good so yes might be when you read it a bit stupid of Funny(in a bad way) i will considering about re-writing and changing the style a little so don't worry about that even is a bit too harsh but im take it cause every feedback rightnow is very important for my writing skill especially that come from a person that have a lot of exprience like you Mr.Faust Once again thank you for feedback AuthorFaust 1 Quote Link to comment
AuthorFaust 1,292 Posted January 3, 2023 🌟 OmoOrg VIP Share Posted January 3, 2023 3 hours ago, DOUBLEKILL said: First of all im very appriciate the feed back you said to me and yes i admit that this story that is a bit off,Rough and yes im not really making a script out of this and most of my stories i write im never making a script do to the fact that i choose to write in my imagination so is 100% what im thinking and i also want to say that my english grammar is not very good so yes might be when you read it a bit stupid of Funny(in a bad way) i will considering about re-writing and changing the style a little so don't worry about that even is a bit too harsh but im take it cause every feedback rightnow is very important for my writing skill especially that come from a person that have a lot of exprience like you Mr.Faust Once again thank you for feedbac I mean it all from a place of love. I want to see you improve, and really write some amazing things to really knock my socks off. Writing can be a hard thing to do sometimes, and it takes a lot of work, but I've got no doubt you can improve, and make it loads better! I'll be around to read the whole way, hopefully, and maybe one day we can even do a collab or something. Just keep at it! Do your best, and all that. Ms. Tito 1 Quote Link to comment
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