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female Why does it feel like I will never find my person?


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26 minutes ago, venustasvirgo said:

hi friends ♡.

this is just the rant of a little that is tired. It feels like I've been trying to find my other for so long that maybe they are just not out there. Every time I feel like I connect with someone it turns out they are halfway across the world (and I know that isn't the end of the world) but there are days where I wish someone would just take care of me and there is no one. I always get told to be patient but I have been so long.

I'm just really tired 😞

(and I hope everyone is having a better month. I'm sending my love to everyone)

I know this feeling I’m trying to find a woman who is into this not kinkshame me for this but oh well it won’t happen for me. Maybe you but not me

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1 hour ago, venustasvirgo said:

hi friends ♡.

this is just the rant of a little that is tired. It feels like I've been trying to find my other for so long that maybe they are just not out there. Every time I feel like I connect with someone it turns out they are halfway across the world (and I know that isn't the end of the world) but there are days where I wish someone would just take care of me and there is no one. I always get told to be patient but I have been so long.

I'm just really tired 😞

(and I hope everyone is having a better month. I'm sending my love to everyone)

So many people on this site feel exactly the same way you do. I know it seems like searching for a needle in a haystack, but with so many of us here, and all over the internet — and so many of us looking for our person — the odds are better now than they’ve ever been in history for you to find the puzzle piece who fits you perfectly. Putting your authentic self out there in forums like this can only help. I’m sending you hugs and cheering you on as you continue your epic hero’s quest. 

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I can relate as pretty much everybody who shares my fetishes that I would be compatible with lives nowhere near enough to make a meeting feasible. As someone who is about a week or two away from being a 39-year-old virgin I wouldn't say that I'd necessarily given up trying to find somebody but I also don't expect to ever have success.

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The best tip is, don't look. It's like the saying with a watched pot never boils. When you aren't looking someone will turn up out of the blue. 

And who is the one? 

If you asked me 15 years ago I would never have guessed who I ended with. What I am trying to say is something or someone might not be perfect. But when you "grow" together, what you build together might over time be close to perfect. 

Anyhow I wish you the best in the future! 

P

 

 

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Personally, I felt the same for a while. I always worried why I haven't found the one or even been in a good relationship yet. I think what caused me to change my mindset is literally not worrying so much about it. Media always puts love on a pedestal but it's not always going to be the perfect soulmate romantic story; rather, it's whatever you and whoever you find make of it.

And I don't think you should frantically look for the one but I don't think you should ENTIRELY stop looking either - as in, don't close yourself off if someone in your life ends up connecting with you. Just don't sacrifice your mental health desperately trying to find the one.

What helped me not worry about it so much is spending time in other venues. I have a main hobby that I dedicate my time to and very good friends that I am very comfortable with. Obviously this is dependent on your situation, but if you have good friends then hopefully spending time with them will help you realize that love isn't just what you need. Spending time with my friends, doing my hobby, and doing other things in life definitely helped in not being so worried about finding love.

Ik I'm just a random stranger on the internet, but since I've dealt with similar feelings before, I'm willing to lend an ear if you ever want to chat.

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12 hours ago, Roguepoet said:

I feel exactly the same way. We are few and far between. I honestly gave up searching. Energy now is spent making myself happy 😊. If someone comes along great if not I’ll just keep doing me 😏🤣.

Exactly my thoughts, I was there too many years ago. When I stopped searching one came along. I've heard if you don't search, and as you say make your self happy, that happiness shines through, that makes you more attractive to others. Both mentally and physically. 

 

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My best advice to be frankly honest to anyone on this site…. Dont find someone who shares the same kink. If they do thats a bonus! But do not make it your goal to only search for those in this community. Find someone who you share a genuine connection with and is accepting and open minded. Ive come to learn over the years that not only your love life and also sex life will be very empty if kink is all you base it on. 
 

your person will come! It takes time, believe me there are a ton of hurdles, but its not impossible I promise 

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I hate to be the Debbie Downer of the thread, but the reality is, if you're over a certain age and still single, you're never going to find a partner. Especially if you're a guy, the single women of today have raised their standards so high that most men will never be able to reach them, and it doesn't bother the women that they'll be alone forever. I've found myself for so long on the losing end of interactions, blind dates that get cancelled when they find out who I am, women who freak out and run away when I express any desire beyond friendship, online dating matches that should be ideal fits for me that end up just ignoring or blocking me... so often that I just gave up. And no, unlike the myth that keeps getting circulated that it'll happen when you stop looking, it didn't. 

I could learn to accept it if it weren't the only way to reproduce. But if my life doesn't have enough inherent value for me to continue it to the next generation, then the way this planet is going, I'm better off dead and not consuming anymore!

Until our society finally realizes that the way we are doing things is horribly broken, I don't see any hope for the future. Look at the stats: more people are dying than being born in most of the developed world, age of marriage is rising to far beyond peak fertility... I think we've forgotten the point. Maybe I'm old school. I'll admit that. But we've progressed over a cliff if you ask me.

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7 minutes ago, p33sh33tz said:

I hate to be the Debbie Downer of the thread, but the reality is, if you're over a certain age and still single, you're never going to find a partner. Especially if you're a guy, the single women of today have raised their standards so high that most men will never be able to reach them, and it doesn't bother the women that they'll be alone forever. I've found myself for so long on the losing end of interactions, blind dates that get cancelled when they find out who I am, women who freak out and run away when I express any desire beyond friendship, online dating matches that should be ideal fits for me that end up just ignoring or blocking me... so often that I just gave up. And no, unlike the myth that keeps getting circulated that it'll happen when you stop looking, it didn't. 

I could learn to accept it if it weren't the only way to reproduce. But if my life doesn't have enough inherent value for me to continue it to the next generation, then the way this planet is going, I'm better off dead and not consuming anymore!

Until our society finally realizes that the way we are doing things is horribly broken, I don't see any hope for the future. Look at the stats: more people are dying than being born in most of the developed world, age of marriage is rising to far beyond peak fertility... I think we've forgotten the point. Maybe I'm old school. I'll admit that. But we've progressed over a cliff if you ask me.

If your aim is to reproduce, you could always be a donor…

I don’t think it’s right to say to anyone that they either will or won’t find someone. Everyone’s different, as are their situations, requirements etc. I’m not convinced there’s “someone out there for everyone” as some say, but equally, wouldn’t write anyone off completely, including myself (how many people/couples do you meet and think “how the hell did they find someone?” A fair amount.) One thing I am sure of though is that coming across as desperate (not in the bladder sense!) will never get you anywhere.

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7 hours ago, Brittanybunny said:

My best advice to be frankly honest to anyone on this site…. Dont find someone who shares the same kink. If they do thats a bonus! But do not make it your goal to only search for those in this community. Find someone who you share a genuine connection with and is accepting and open minded. Ive come to learn over the years that not only your love life and also sex life will be very empty if kink is all you base it on. 
 

your person will come! It takes time, believe me there are a ton of hurdles, but its not impossible I promise 

disagree. if your partner does not share your kink, how will you get off except if youare polyamorous

why dont we all date EACH OTHER then? on this site. thats a quick solution for ya. assotative mating

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23 hours ago, DesperateToes said:

disagree. if your partner does not share your kink, how will you get off except if youare polyamorous

why dont we all date EACH OTHER then? on this site. thats a quick solution for ya. assotative mating

Because if you base your entire relationship on a kink then you aren’t actually attracted to them. We as humans from the time we learn about masterbation  and sex rely on porn and stories of scenarios that are mostly highly unrealistic. When you then have a partner if they dont share your kink, say the things you want them to say in the scenarios you watch and read about, then you begin to gain unrealistic expectations. Unless all you want in a relationship is kink stuff then that isnt a true love relationship. If you cannot get off to the thought of your partner and only rely on your kink to be horny then you will always have a problem finding someone. Having a kink or a fetish isn’t negative, but if you only connect with someone due to a kink and not natural attraction then you aren’t connected at all. 

Edited by Brittanybunny (see edit history)
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On 11/28/2022 at 9:55 PM, p33sh33tz said:

I hate to be the Debbie Downer of the thread, but the reality is, if you're over a certain age and still single, you're never going to find a partner. Especially if you're a guy, the single women of today have raised their standards so high that most men will never be able to reach them, and it doesn't bother the women that they'll be alone forever. I've found myself for so long on the losing end of interactions, blind dates that get cancelled when they find out who I am, women who freak out and run away when I express any desire beyond friendship, online dating matches that should be ideal fits for me that end up just ignoring or blocking me... so often that I just gave up. And no, unlike the myth that keeps getting circulated that it'll happen when you stop looking, it didn't. 

I could learn to accept it if it weren't the only way to reproduce. But if my life doesn't have enough inherent value for me to continue it to the next generation, then the way this planet is going, I'm better off dead and not consuming anymore!

Until our society finally realizes that the way we are doing things is horribly broken, I don't see any hope for the future. Look at the stats: more people are dying than being born in most of the developed world, age of marriage is rising to far beyond peak fertility... I think we've forgotten the point. Maybe I'm old school. I'll admit that. But we've progressed over a cliff if you ask me.

I know the feeling, I have been there too.. back in the days.. but like females of today, don't you have any preferences or standards yourself at all?

I partly agree with you many girls do not give good guys a chance, but It's certainly not impossible. 

Now I am terribly curious, if we are doing it the wrong way, I take you talk about reproduction, how would you suggest it to happen? If there is another way to reproduce I haven't tried it yet. 

Personally I am more worried about too many people.

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On 11/25/2022 at 10:18 AM, nappypants said:

If that’s a reference to having a requirement of finding a partner in this fetish community, that does reduce your options a great deal. Most of us would probably settle for someone who was just tolerant and understanding of our interests, even if not necessarily sharing them.

When it comes to that, when I was still "on the market" (if you will), that was never even on my list of things I considered. It's just one of those "weird" things that I keep to myself.

 

On 11/29/2022 at 5:36 PM, potte said:

I know the feeling, I have been there too.. back in the days.. but like females of today, don't you have any preferences or standards yourself at all?

I partly agree with you many girls do not give good guys a chance, but It's certainly not impossible. 

Now I am terribly curious, if we are doing it the wrong way, I take you talk about reproduction, how would you suggest it to happen? If there is another way to reproduce I haven't tried it yet. 

Personally I am more worried about too many people.

I'm not sure exactly how to describe what I was looking for in a partner, back when I was looking. To say I had "standards," this inflexible list of demands that couldn't be bent, well, I can't say I ever had that. There were a few things I considered warning signs. Having young children from a previous relationship was a huge one, and a sign of instability. But other than that, my main goal was finding someone who was like myself. Someone who shared my values, shared my experiences. But the way dating is, where it seems like the man is always tasked with pursuing the woman, and the way social mores have shifted WAY to the left in just the past 15-20 years alone, I'm no longer convinced such a woman exists.

As for what I would suggest... if it were up to me to dictate mores of society, marriage and a nuclear family (with as much help from extended family as can be provided) would be a virtue, and the idea of reproduction and having children would be essential to those who can do it. I don't think it is as much anymore. We don't have to be like the 1940s when it got way out of hand, but the way it is now has swung way too far in the other direction. It's pure deconstruction at this point. I suppose it started with the free love and no-fault divorce, and the children that were raised in those environments. A good balance would be nice.

Again, I admit: I'm old school, and I'll admit that a lot of it runs right into the face of much of how we see love in the modern context, especially with LGBTQ and such. Yet when so many people are being excluded from it, something has to change. How, in a society that requires consent from both parties, do we accommodate those who can't get that consent?

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10 hours ago, p33sh33tz said:

I'm not sure exactly how to describe what I was looking for in a partner, back when I was looking. To say I had "standards," this inflexible list of demands that couldn't be bent, well, I can't say I ever had that. There were a few things I considered warning signs. Having young children from a previous relationship was a huge one, and a sign of instability. But other than that, my main goal was finding someone who was like myself. Someone who shared my values, shared my experiences. But the way dating is, where it seems like the man is always tasked with pursuing the woman, and the way social mores have shifted WAY to the left in just the past 15-20 years alone, I'm no longer convinced such a woman exists.

As for what I would suggest... if it were up to me to dictate mores of society, marriage and a nuclear family (with as much help from extended family as can be provided) would be a virtue, and the idea of reproduction and having children would be essential to those who can do it. I don't think it is as much anymore. We don't have to be like the 1940s when it got way out of hand, but the way it is now has swung way too far in the other direction. It's pure deconstruction at this point. I suppose it started with the free love and no-fault divorce, and the children that were raised in those environments. A good balance would be nice.

Again, I admit: I'm old school, and I'll admit that a lot of it runs right into the face of much of how we see love in the modern context, especially with LGBTQ and such. Yet when so many people are being excluded from it, something has to change. How, in a society that requires consent from both parties, do we accommodate those who can't get that consent?

Well I wouldn't call that too many demands. The reason I asked was because I have often heard it a lot of times, people complaining about not being able to find a partner, but then their demands were insane. 

I am old school too, in my opinion the problem is dating services.... I like the old school way of going about dating. I can assure you old school women stil exists. The problem with dating services, is that you get a list of "compatible" people that look exactly like you. I tried this back in the days when I was alone. Damn it was the strangest dates. 
I gave up, and met a woman in "real life". We are day and night, complete opposites, but things are working out. If that was through dating service I am sure we would be deemed incompatible. I think that it limits a lot of good matches. Sometimes you don't need to be similar. All good relationships should be a compromise, if you're both willing, then you well become more alike over time. Why I didn't meet my wife online, is probably because she is as old school as I am. Not every woman out there is this independent super woman who lives alone in new york, that is just what's portrayed in the media. Many is as down to earth and want a relationship and to built a life together with a partner.
The main issue in my opinion is that many people don't give each other a change in real life, unless that person is approved via dating service or and app. Society can't change that, it's because of the internet etc.

I think you have some interesting points, I don't know if I understood it correctly, but you're talking about forcing people to marry and mate? 

Imagine that was a thing, what if you ended up with someone you couldn't stand? I mean that would sure lead to more unhappiness.

And a consent from both parties, well.... everything else would be rape in some form?

 

 

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12 hours ago, p33sh33tz said:

How, in a society that requires consent from both parties, do we accommodate those who can't get that consent?

Well, I guess sex workers is the obvious answer, notwithstanding the possible financial, ethical and legal barriers to that. Maybe Westworld-style artificial intelligence in time, but as that show opened up, in the case of AI, when does a conscious individual who requires consent come into being?

I guess all single people have different wishes, do they just want sex, or being “in love”, or companionship, or a family, or just a partner to satisfy social norms? Or all of the above? Even those who do have a partner might not tick all those boxes, and if you don’t, there’s different ways of substituting for each.

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I really don't like to get involved in threads like this because it usually doesn't end well but I have to say looking at some of the reactionary views that people have here towards women, sexual minorities and people who are not neurotypical it's kind of no wonder that you're not finding any partners. You know the average woman I think doesn't want to be barefoot and pregnant, and I will never understand this obsession that some people have with breeding. We have 8 billion people on this planet on a planet that can support maybe 2 billion, a lot less breeding is not going to be a bad thing, and don't worry the human race is not on the verge of extinction from that, we have more to fear from overpopulation than under population. I do agree though that one sex robots and simulated reality partners become available that that's what the majority are going to use to satisfy themselves with.

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I don't get the weird obsession with wanting women to have kids myself, the absolute last thing I want is a kid(as due to my autism i'm still learning how to take care of myself so i'm in no way capable of taking care of a kid). i'm perfectly happy being by myself so as such I don't view marriage as some divine and sacred ritual that women should want to do(especially not with how many celebrity marriages have ended in a short amount of time) and i'm not surprised there are less people getting married these days, because a lot of people simply can't afford weddings and things like that.

I always find it refreshing to see a married couple in fictional media where neither one wants kids.

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@LifeIsStrange

"I don't get the weird obsession with wanting women to have kids myself, the absolute last thing I want is a kid(as due to my autism i'm still learning how to take care of myself so i'm in no way capable of taking care of a kid). i'm perfectly happy being by myself so as such I don't view marriage as some divine and sacred ritual that women should want to do(especially not with how many celebrity marriages have ended in a short amount of time) and i'm not surprised there are less people getting married these days, because a lot of people simply can't afford weddings and things like that.

I always find it refreshing to see a married couple in fictional media where neither one wants kids."

I think that there are a lot of men out there who do view women mainly for sex and breeding and little more, they are the incels of the world baffled as to why women wouldn't want that showing how clueless they are. It may be because I'm a lesbian but I have never really for obvious reasons really liked that idea. Even as a kid when they asked children at age 10 most of them just naturally assume that they would get married but I was always like yeah no way totally not for me at all.


And like you I can't really take care of myself in the normal sense, so I wouldn't be able to care for children or support them, but even if I could I wouldn't want to as I find children insufferably annoying.


I don't think there's anything sacred or divine about marriage either, I think that is something that people made up to enforce social norms and until relatively recently in history marriage was never about love but about a property transference, the property being women of course.


All those people rallying about how gay marriage is going to destroy traditional marriage are probably just insecure about their own marriages because I think that most people know on some level that marriage never really was a great idea in the first place. They can work for some people but the fact that most of them end in divorce or infidelity should be a good suggestion that it doesn't really work in the long run for most people, I've always felt it unnatural.


And yes I do like the idea of a world where children are a minimal presence and I am even writing a story or rather an entire collection of stories set in a world of massive infertility. Most people would view that situation as a nightmare but I kind of like the idea of it honestly. If everyone's infertile of course that's a catastrophe because then the human race will die a slow whimpering death, but I think if 80% of the world suddenly became infertile it would probably end up saving the human race in the long run.

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