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Has anyone here dated an SA or DV victim? Any advice for making them feel safe around you?


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I've been seeing a lovely lady I've known since late last year for about two and a half months. Progress is very slow, and she often admits she knows it's not fair that she's not fully present and that she has gotten cautious. I'm trying to be as patient as possible and not pry into what she's dealing with, which she often thanks me for. I think it's highly likely that someone hurt her somehow, but I have no idea how exactly. I'm wondering if this is something I just need to continue to be patient with. She is definitely worth being patient for, in my opinion.   

Edited by Raziel
Redundancy. (see edit history)
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as a victim of both in my past, give it time... caution is a big thing, id say give her the option and comfort to know she is safe and protected and tell her " im not forcing you to talk about anything, but its clear someone hurt you, and i want you to know that you are safe and whenever you feel comfortable to tell me, i will listen, you will not be judged or hurt for speaking about it". She may not open up right away, but reassuring that she is in a safe place when she feels cautious is a big help. It also keeps in mind to pay attention to what she exactly feels cautious about, such as what are you both doing when she begins to feel uneasy, or what words are being said to maybe trigger something in her mind. reassurance is always best. 

Edited by Brittanybunny (see edit history)
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3 hours ago, Brittanybunny said:

as a victim of both in my past, give it time... caution is a big thing, id say give her the option and comfort to know she is safe and protected and tell her " im not forcing you to talk about anything, but its clear someone hurt you, and i want you to know that you are safe and whenever you feel comfortable to tell me, i will listen, you will not be judged or hurt for speaking about it". She may not open up right away, but reassuring that she is in a safe place when she feels cautious is a big help. It also keeps in mind to pay attention to what she exactly feels cautious about, such as what are you both doing when she begins to feel uneasy, or what words are being said to maybe trigger something in her mind. reassurance is always best. 

Thank you. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I really appreciate the insight. I haven't made my thoughts on the matter clear that I suspect something terrible happened to her yet, but I suspect that she already knows I have my worries since she's always reassuring me that I don't need to worry about her. I feel like I just need to get it out there that we're not as close as I'd like to be yet, but I still care about her and it's killing me that she's suffering, and I can't do anything to help. I worry that may guilt her into backing off, which I don't want. I guess I need to be very careful with the wording and wait for the right opportunity to convey it. 

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50 minutes ago, Raziel said:

I guess I need to be very careful with the wording and wait for the right opportunity to convey it. 

Having a partner that has suffered both types of abuse patience is definitely key. My advice is to be open and accepting of anything she tells you. I'd advise perhaps giving her time though, not exactly ignoring it, but letting it come out when she's ready. A confrontation/conversation even worded perfectly could backfire. Just let her know you're there to listen whenever she's ready to talk and leave it at that.

At that point the balls in her court, she can then choose to open up at her own pace if she wants to. Unfortunately there is a chance she'll never open up and you should prepare for that too. It's not an easy situation and I hope it works out for the both of you.

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2 hours ago, Rubic13 said:

Having a partner that has suffered both types of abuse patience is definitely key. My advice is to be open and accepting of anything she tells you. I'd advise perhaps giving her time though, not exactly ignoring it, but letting it come out when she's ready. A confrontation/conversation even worded perfectly could backfire. Just let her know you're there to listen whenever she's ready to talk and leave it at that.

At that point the balls in her court, she can then choose to open up at her own pace if she wants to. Unfortunately there is a chance she'll never open up and you should prepare for that too. It's not an easy situation and I hope it works out for the both of you.

Thanks. I have accepted that I may never know the truth. I guess one of my biggest fears aside from her worrying I'll hurt her too is that she's worried I'll see her as damaged goods and that she won't understand that I genuinely like her and won't see her any differently if she ever does tell me what she's dealing with.

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I'm in a very similar situation as you are. I met a wonderful woman through gaming and we've been together for about four months now. She has a history of abuse/trauma and like you mentioned we have been taking things very slow. The initial attraction/chemistry was immediate and we ended up spending a lot of time online together.

She previously reports a very health ex life with multiple partners; however, since the last partner who abused her she had not been in a relationship for about two years. It was hard at first earning her trust. We didn't meet in person for two months almost despite being local. I was extremely cautious and mindful that it had been a very long time since a man besides her family had touched her. I made it my goal to ensure that she feels safe around me and earning that trust was my top priority. We still haven't had sex. A bit of fooling around with hands and making out but that's the extent of it. She's professed to me that her body is very much willing but when it comes down to the act she will panic and get scared.

I'm not going to sugar coat it: Personally it's very difficult at times. A health sex life has always been paramount for any serious relationship for me. There are many times where I don't feel attractive/wanted because of the lack of engagement in that area. She's on the autism spectrum and has a hard time expressing her feelings with words so that adds another layer of challenges to the relationship. But to me, she's worth it. She's such a beautiful person and I don't just mean her face. Her laughter makes my heart sing and we can spend hours together with it seeming like no time at all. She's fiercely loyal and very intelligent. She is the type of person people want to be friends with but has a hard time letting them in.

Patience is so very important here. It may be a long time before that trust is earned but I encourage you to follow others' advice and continue to make her feel safe and work at earning her trust. It will probably take you showing her repeatedly that you are different from what she's known for it to really sink in. Focus on those little milestones such as the first physical contact/kiss/etc.

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7 hours ago, Odin223 said:

I'm in a very similar situation as you are. I met a wonderful woman through gaming and we've been together for about four months now. She has a history of abuse/trauma and like you mentioned we have been taking things very slow. The initial attraction/chemistry was immediate and we ended up spending a lot of time online together.

She previously reports a very health ex life with multiple partners; however, since the last partner who abused her she had not been in a relationship for about two years. It was hard at first earning her trust. We didn't meet in person for two months almost despite being local. I was extremely cautious and mindful that it had been a very long time since a man besides her family had touched her. I made it my goal to ensure that she feels safe around me and earning that trust was my top priority. We still haven't had sex. A bit of fooling around with hands and making out but that's the extent of it. She's professed to me that her body is very much willing but when it comes down to the act she will panic and get scared.

I'm not going to sugar coat it: Personally it's very difficult at times. A health sex life has always been paramount for any serious relationship for me. There are many times where I don't feel attractive/wanted because of the lack of engagement in that area. She's on the autism spectrum and has a hard time expressing her feelings with words so that adds another layer of challenges to the relationship. But to me, she's worth it. She's such a beautiful person and I don't just mean her face. Her laughter makes my heart sing and we can spend hours together with it seeming like no time at all. She's fiercely loyal and very intelligent. She is the type of person people want to be friends with but has a hard time letting them in.

Patience is so very important here. It may be a long time before that trust is earned but I encourage you to follow others' advice and continue to make her feel safe and work at earning her trust. It will probably take you showing her repeatedly that you are different from what she's known for it to really sink in. Focus on those little milestones such as the first physical contact/kiss/etc.

Thanks for going in depth on your situation, it really helps when lending perspective. She did initiate a hug on the first date which I was happy about. I think the thing that really made me fall hard for her is this cute smile she does whenever she's about to tell me something embarrassing, like when I asked what she got at the mall and she wasn't sure she wanted to admit it was new underwear. It's hard to describe, but it drives me insane in a good way. I spent the last three years single and this is the first girl to come along that I genuinely want to get to know better, so I'm not in any rush to initiate intimacy. It's just frustrating at times when someone you care about admits something is wrong but won't go into details and keeps asking you not to worry about them.

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A girl I was? with wasn't necessarily a full-blown victim but she'd definitely had bits and pieces of each, and I agree with your own answer, and other answers here — give it time. She's thanked you for being patient and understanding, which probably means more to her than you'll ever be able to understand.

It takes a lot of time to undo damage from these things; often it can't even be fully repaired. But the more time you have to give her your trust and care and understanding, the more it'll help her learn to trust people again.

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Making quickier and skipping details because I don't what to share about me:

 

My "almost something" says she was raped for a old-brother of her, she told me that while we was sending nudes eachother, also, I was the first time hearing a girl saying that. (There was other girls who tell me similar things after that).

 

When I ask her what she will do, she answer the time already pass and he is away, also the little brother tried to steal the cellphone.

The time pass, she was a bit weird woman, not just for that, but also because she talked sh*t of other girls, sometimes saying those girls are "ugly" others because no reason more like hating every woman entering to the server, even if she was also a girl.

The group was conformed for a lot of boys following her intentions, making jokes of those other girls, saying they were fat as a tied up ham, and she shared that whatsapp audios with me as something funny.

That make me think she actually lie about her family being a trash, I mean, if she was a true SA victim, it really be that ass with other people? I'm not sure.

 

After that, as I already say, there was other girls who told me something quickly of being SA but nothing more, one of them as well of this "almost something girlfriend", don't make anything, the last one had is father in prision, so you can imagine who of three I believe.

"But, you also need to hear the victim." Yeah, but after being deleted, or discovering that people make trash talk of me or other people, I'm not sure if that was true in first place.

 

Now, answering your question; The best thing what you can do is just hearing and don't say anything, if they didn't the report, they will don't do it because you say it, also you can't make more questions because they will evading it. So, just listen.

 

Edit: If you think different, please, let me know.

Edited by faffef (see edit history)
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  • 3 weeks later...

UPDATE: She recently confided what she's dealing with and it's not as bad as I thought, but it does explain why she's so stressed out. I tend to think worst case scenario when I don't have all the facts and it killed me thinking either someone hurt her or worse was actively hurting her and she was afraid to tell me. I still need to be patient while she sorts through some things, but like I said she is worth being patient for 

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