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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello everyone, just an update. I'm incredibly sorry for not having another chapter ready. I've been on hiatus for a while and unfortunately, it has to continue until the end of next week. By then, I hope I'll have a new short story and the next chapter ready to go. Very sorry for the delay. I hope the latest chapter has been an incredible cliffhanger and hopefully the best chapter yet. This story is ending soon, but just before it does, I intend to make a spectacular ending as a send-off to Sam and her alternative friends.

Fear not, I intend to come back to this second chance year 13 school and more girls in the future, and I will have plenty of standalone short stories after I get back. At the moment I already have four short stories planned, which I will slowly slog through to get finished throughout August and September.

Thank you for your patience.

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I've completed a fairly detailed review of the early chapters, as I said I would long ago. I apologize for taking so long to read your story and organize my notes. I'd like to continue through Chapter 5 and beyond, but I don't know when I'll find the time.

The story gets off to a strong start with wonderfully eloquent descriptions. Just when it seems like it might be getting too verbose, you settle into a more casual and succinct style that's more fitting for a story of this length. My only serious complaint about the writing style is that sometimes you suddenly switch back and forth between formal prose and low slang which can be jarring to read. There's also a little issue with tenses that becomes more noticeable after a while. You tell the story in the past tense, but sometimes describe the qualities of people and things in the present tense, leading to more jarring clashes.

Chapter 2 is nothing exciting, but provides a good introduction to Sam's friends, her home life, and her place in school. The family conversations in Chapters 2 and 4 are potentially confusing, requiring multiple readings for me to understand the situation. I don't know if that's your fault or mine.

I greatly enjoy Chapter 3, but can't think of much to say. It's simply a fine sequence of mounting stress and desperation that gives way to compounding disasters at the end.

Chapter 4 covers a lot of ground, and I'm not going to bog you down with comments on everything. The classroom scene illustrates the tough time Sam is having in school, and also introduces 2 characters and builds on the introduction of a 3rd. There's a lot of information and emotion in 1 short scene, which then abruptly ends right after the climax. If I were you I'd give events like this some more space for development and thus a more gentle rise and fall. The remainder of Chapter 4 is a nice scene for fleshing out the characters of Sam and her friends and establishing their different attitudes toward waste.

After a few chapters I notice that your scenes of dialog and interpersonal interactions tend to be quick and to-the-point. Arguments can rapidly go from 0 to 100, subjects can suddenly change, etc. This helps maintain the breezy pace I mentioned before, but makes some parts feel disjointed and unnatural. It's the sort of thing that could be a flaw or just part of the style, depending on one's point of view.

The chemistry scene in Chapter 5 is pleasant but brief. I'd guess its purpose is to establish the character of the teacher who will play an important role later. The flashback gives us an entertaining scene without disrupting the present story, plus more insight into Sam's feelings about her family and her bodily functions.

Overall this is a well-written story with strong dramatic and humorous qualities, not to mention some great word-pictures. Your main character is complicated and interesting, although I feel I need to mention that you introduce her as a goth yet never explore that aspect of her personality. The other characters are quite colorful, and you do a good job of showing the affection and friction between them. 

You were worried that the descriptions of bowel movements would be too intense for readers. I can only speak for myself, but I think the way you've handled it is just right. After all, it would sort of be cheating if you gave the subject so much emphasis and didn't give detailed reports. 

Your writing has many strengths, and I'm curious to see how this story will develop in the following chapters.

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On 8/2/2022 at 10:28 AM, Jimmy Olsen said:

I've completed a fairly detailed review of the early chapters, as I said I would long ago. I apologize for taking so long to read your story and organize my notes. I'd like to continue through Chapter 5 and beyond, but I don't know when I'll find the time.

The story gets off to a strong start with wonderfully eloquent descriptions. Just when it seems like it might be getting too verbose, you settle into a more casual and succinct style that's more fitting for a story of this length. My only serious complaint about the writing style is that sometimes you suddenly switch back and forth between formal prose and low slang which can be jarring to read. There's also a little issue with tenses that becomes more noticeable after a while. You tell the story in the past tense, but sometimes describe the qualities of people and things in the present tense, leading to more jarring clashes.

Chapter 2 is nothing exciting, but provides a good introduction to Sam's friends, her home life, and her place in school. The family conversations in Chapters 2 and 4 are potentially confusing, requiring multiple readings for me to understand the situation. I don't know if that's your fault or mine.

I greatly enjoy Chapter 3, but can't think of much to say. It's simply a fine sequence of mounting stress and desperation that gives way to compounding disasters at the end.

Chapter 4 covers a lot of ground, and I'm not going to bog you down with comments on everything. The classroom scene illustrates the tough time Sam is having in school, and also introduces 2 characters and builds on the introduction of a 3rd. There's a lot of information and emotion in 1 short scene, which then abruptly ends right after the climax. If I were you I'd give events like this some more space for development and thus a more gentle rise and fall. The remainder of Chapter 4 is a nice scene for fleshing out the characters of Sam and her friends and establishing their different attitudes toward waste.

After a few chapters I notice that your scenes of dialog and interpersonal interactions tend to be quick and to-the-point. Arguments can rapidly go from 0 to 100, subjects can suddenly change, etc. This helps maintain the breezy pace I mentioned before, but makes some parts feel disjointed and unnatural. It's the sort of thing that could be a flaw or just part of the style, depending on one's point of view.

The chemistry scene in Chapter 5 is pleasant but brief. I'd guess its purpose is to establish the character of the teacher who will play an important role later. The flashback gives us an entertaining scene without disrupting the present story, plus more insight into Sam's feelings about her family and her bodily functions.

Overall this is a well-written story with strong dramatic and humorous qualities, not to mention some great word-pictures. Your main character is complicated and interesting, although I feel I need to mention that you introduce her as a goth yet never explore that aspect of her personality. The other characters are quite colorful, and you do a good job of showing the affection and friction between them. 

You were worried that the descriptions of bowel movements would be too intense for readers. I can only speak for myself, but I think the way you've handled it is just right. After all, it would sort of be cheating if you gave the subject so much emphasis and didn't give detailed reports. 

Your writing has many strengths, and I'm curious to see how this story will develop in the following chapters.

Thank you very much for your critique, it's very much appreciated.

Firstly, it must be said that I do struggle with time tense, and it's my biggest flaw as a writer without a doubt. It's especially bad with long stories, which this happens to be. And as you mentioned, my graphic descriptions clashing with the more casual writing style could also be improved. I'll do my best to improve this in future, and at the very least, I'll make slow transitions between these writing styles.

Unfortunately, I see dialogue and exposition as an obstacle, as, excuse the pun, the potatoes, gravy and champagne is the embarrassment, desperation and excretion. Combined with my long chapters, all of which I try to include at least one scene in, it does end up being incredibly fast paced. I realize that I am trying to achieve a lot in not a lot of time, which as you can tell it's more than just the brownies and lemonade, it's also about the characters.

I have neglected the main character's main appeal, her gothic aspect. I will attempt to delve into this very soon, so thanks for the heads up. Of course goth is more than just appearance, and I should explore it more. Before I finish up this story, I do intend to go into depth with Sam and Beth in particular. Trixie is more of a comic relief character and was intentionally written to be the most unrealistic of the trio.

I will also wholeheartedly admit that Sam's family debacle is a poorly written mess, in defense of chapter 2, I came back to writing after three years of being dormant, so I had a few growing pains over the first few chapters. Hopefully I'll be able to salvage the complicated family situation as well. The family conversations are also admittedly poorly written.

I hadn't noticed that chapter 2 is very well written, and unlike a lot of the other chapters, it's genuinely captivating, and it's purely a pee scene too. Perhaps I would benefit from writing more exclusive pee scenes in awkward conditions, this would also appeal to a wider audience too. Thank you for the criticism, and thanks for reassuring me that my writing about the baking of brownies isn't too repugnant.

Finally, after a while writing this story got a little too much for me. Aside from taking a break, I don't know where to take the story. But now, I think it would be a good idea to begin exploring just one more integral character and what kind of story would this be if it were a slice of life. I plan on adding a very wicked twist to the story in the coming chapters. I know one thing though, my descriptions are indeed second to none, and I'll use that to my advantage.

Thanks for the feedback, it has inspired me to make an invigorating comeback after my recent hiatus.

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