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Suddenly Desperate After An Evening Out


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I had a desperate experience the other night, so I thought I would share it with you guys. Hope you enjoy!

On Saturday, my mother and I went out for dinner and drinks with some family friends of ours. Being as pee-shy as I am, I prepared for this by limiting my fluids earlier on in the day (Well, more than usual, anyhow) so the drinks at dinner wouldn't go straight through me. All day I'd only had 2 espresso shots in the morning, and a 12oz Red Bull in the afternoon. Nothing else. (Yes, I know that's not healthy, please don't lecture me.) I also made sure to pee right before leaving the house, as yet another precaution.

We got to the restaurant around 7:30 and I ordered a rum and coke. It was much more dilute than I expected it to be, served in a 20 oz glass with lots of ice. I sipped it slowly, of course, as I knew we weren't going home for a least a few hours. I figured the slower I drank, the less likely I would get the urge to pee while we out. My strategy appeared to work in my favor, as I still didn't feel an urge until halfway through the 3rd (and last) round, which was 3 hours later. By this time, I was feeling pretty tipsy as well and wasn't particularly aware of the state of my bladder. It was the least of my concerns and any urge I had was easily ignorable, as I was too wrapped up in conversation to pay it much attention.

However, since one of my mother's friends needed a ride home, which would place a delay on me getting home, I figured I'd better at least attempt to use the bathroom before leaving the restaurant. It seemed like a wise thing to do, judging by all of the alcohol and caffeine in my system. And, because I'd had a few drinks in me, I figured I'd be too uninhibited to be pee-shy. Although, once I got into the stall, I quickly found out I assumed wrong. Even though I had the restroom to myself, there was simply too much talking and commotion going on outside the bathroom door for me to be able to go. I found all of the noise from the bar area to be distracting, and the thought that someone could walk in at any point froze me up. I tried straining to force the pee out, but nothing happened. So I gave up and returned to the table to get ready to leave.

Trying to go had only made my need worsen, partially out of frustration and in part due to anxiety. Before, when I had been sitting down at the table, I felt next to nothing at all, but now I was aware that the urge was rapidly building. My drinks were catching up with me, all seeming to hit my bladder at once. By the time I got in the car, my urge was pretty strong. I had to suffer in silence, though, as both my mother and her friend assumed I'd just gone less than 10 minutes ago, not that I would've mentioned it anyways. The further we got down the street, the more I just wanted to get this over with and go home. I could feel my bladder throbbing, my urethra pulsing with urgency, and I couldn't guarantee that I could hold it when my bodily sensations were being blunted by the booze. However, that wasn't entirely a bad thing, as it made the discomfort easier to tolerare than if I were sober. It was easier to tune it out for the duration of the ride than it would've been otherwise, easier for me to sit with my desperation and not let it fully consume me, easier for me to accept the idea of potentially losing control. What was harder to tune out, however, was the excitement that came from the scenario. I have to admit that I got a little flustered at the thought of it. 

When we arrived at the friend's house, a part of me considered asking to use his bathroom, but I was too shy to ask and knew I'd probably freeze up. So, instead I kept quiet until my mother walked him to the door and said goodnight. Then, when she returned I made her aware of my "issue", asking her to take me home ASAP and to give me the privacy I need once we get inside. I told her I really had to go and was close to possibly having an accident, potentially in her car unless we got home quick enough. When I'm at this point, I tend not to sugarcoat things anymore. So, she agreed to drop me off at the side door of our building while she found a parking space, so I could quickly run upstairs and relieve myself, hopefully before she got into the apartment. Even in my own home, and especially when desperate, I struggle to go unless I have complete privacy, which often means I need to ask my family to keep their distance from the bathroom door whilst I'm in it. The futher the better, really. So, in order to make this work for me, I had to be fast. Once I let myself into the building, I bolted up the stairs to our floor. (I know better than to risk getting stuck in the elevator. I may be paranoid, but I've seen that trope happen too many times and I wouldn't be surprised if it happened to me irl.) I quickly unlocked the door, hastily threw my coat and bag over the chair, and locked myself in the bathroom. Breathing heavily, I just as hastily pulled my pants down and sat on the toilet, praying I'd finally be able to pee. It took a second to get started, but once I did it all came rushing out in a narrow, high pressured stream. I had to go so badly that I could only empty my bladder about halfway on the first try. I tried again a few minutes later, and discovered I'd been holding much more than I thought. The second pee must've lasted at least 40 seconds, if not a minute, this time flowing out gently and steadily, effortlessly compared to the first. It felt great to sit back and let it all slowly drain out. My whole body felt so light and tingly afterwards, satisfied and relieved.

The satisfaction carried over to the next day, as I couldn't stop thinking about it. It's not often I have close calls like this, since I usually take so many steps to avoid them, so when I do have them it always ends up turning me on like no other. Which is why I thought I'd share my experience while it was still fresh in my mind.

Hope this was good enough for my first time posting something recent. I don't tend to embellish much so I hope this was detailed enough as it was. 

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On 5/9/2022 at 4:34 PM, liesjeversteven said:

Have you ever thought about getting some counseling? Because that can't be easy to live with...

Trust me, it isn't. I've gone through phases in the past where it stopped being an issue, but now it's probably the worst it's ever been. Interferes with everything and keeps me from a lot of activities. Problem is, it's taken over so much of my life that I may be beyond help.

Any work I've done to try to desensitize myself has only resulted in more anxiety from repeatedly trying and failing in different situations. It's just left me even more avoidant and discouraged, with fewer and fewer options as time goes by.

So, I suppose all I can do is continue to plan around it and try to live with it to the best of my ability.

At the moment, that means trying to work on my bladder capacity, so I at least won't get so panicky when an urge arises. All of my "just in case" pees have greatly diminished my holding ability to a fraction of what it used to be. So, if I can at least fix that habit, life can become a lot more bearable. 

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