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I'm told I was around 4 when I gave into the potty training.  Specific phrasing, because I never really had any problems after that - apparently I could tell what was going on down there and just didn't care much.

I don't have any memory of it myself, but the story involves a trip to my grandparents' house.  Knowing of my slow potty training, my otherwise-sweet grandma told me there would be a spanking if I wet myself.

I wet.  I reported it to her.  I got spanked.  I didn't wet again.

And yes, this much is a gross oversimplification.

My parents were amazed when they got me home afterward, which is why they still tell that story.

Edited by Ultima01 (see edit history)
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...And also exceptional research scientists who can't take care of themselves.

This thread is primarily for autistic people to write about their experiences.  The experiences may involve, but are not limited to, online autistic trait sites, difficulty recognizing people, difficu

@Stanley79 "How are family gatherings for you?" I am comfortable around family because I know them and my family are pretty much the only people I ever see really as I have no social life, a

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/3/2021 at 8:42 PM, trekkie said:

I wish all of us autistic omo types could, like, meet somewhere once a week just to talk about stuff, omo and not-omo related. We'd all also have various sensory toys, visual and otherwise, for ourselves. I'd have that screen saver I couldn't tear myself away from at times and clocks that move just so, while there'd be a fan going at just the right speed for @silvermoon, for example.

There would, however, be plenty of our favorite things to drink, and for those of us with gut issues, all our favorite "that tastes great, but I'd better know exactly where I'm gonna be twenty minutes after I eat it, or else!" foods, and just one bathroom. 😉

Add some large sub speakers playing drum and bass (there are certain sounds and frequencies that put me in a Stim) along with a big box of nice tactile Lego bricks and I would happily join you. 😂🤣😂

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@TheLoneRanger Oooh, yes, all the fun sensory stuff. Maybe headphones (sensory seeking and sensory avoiding types gotta coexist.) There’d be projectors with every pattern of moving colors you could ever want on one wall too….

I like bright flashing colors. I don’t know why they feel good and yet hurt a little at once, but I always have to play the old school video games with those over and over. But also, there was this one screensaver I cougar watch all day where the movements of the colors were slower and more fluid. 
 

Heh heh. Fluid. It’d take on a new meaning if we ALL had something like @silvermoon and the fans and just ended up standing in puddles.

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It's only recently I've realised how far down the spectrum I am.

And when I say recently I'm talking within the last month.

I always knew that I was Dyslexic, by 25 I could happily identify as Dyslexic with Dyspraxic tendencies.

I know my parents had wondered about Autism, ADHD or other spectrum related problems. It was always rejected by the specialists, because I would happily spend hours building Lego sets but to them importantly following the plans.

Nobody had realised this was a stim and for the experts the fact I followed the plans, put me in the Dyslexia camp rather than the Autism group.

Until a month awogo, I'd never heard about stimming before. After reading another post on here, I started to take a hard look at myself. I started reading up about stimming on the different parenting groups, and I tried to catch and collate all my different stims.

Picking Nose 

Scratching Head 

I can watch waterfalls and fountains for hours. Again a multisensory stim of both audio and visual.

When I'm driving I need to feel the air blowing on the back of my hands. 

Playing with Lego, preferably the mechanical Technic Lego. This is a multiple sensory stim. I like the feel of the bricks how they click together and I enjoy following the plan to build the models.

Live music and light shows, preferably with a low bass line so you feel the sound vibrate through you.

The biggest stim of all is wetting myself. Now this one none of the parenting forums talks about.

They might talk about the difficulties in potty training a child on the spectrum, or that total concentration in something may lead to accidents.

A few vaguely talk about poo smearing. 

I have always loved being wet, even from an early age.

There is the feeling of the wet clothes touching your skin, there is the smell, there is the visual of watching the wet patch grow and expand and lastly there is the sounds as the urine as it trickles from your body and flows away.

 

 

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45 minutes ago, trekkie said:

@TheLoneRanger Oooh, yes, all the fun sensory stuff. Maybe headphones (sensory seeking and sensory avoiding types gotta coexist.) There’d be projectors with every pattern of moving colors you could ever want on one wall too….

I like bright flashing colors. I don’t know why they feel good and yet hurt a little at once, but I always have to play the old school video games with those over and over. But also, there was this one screensaver I cougar watch all day where the movements of the colors were slower and more fluid. 
 

Heh heh. Fluid. It’d take on a new meaning if we ALL had something like @silvermoon and the fans and just ended up standing in puddles.

It was Silvermoon's fans that sent me down this rabbit hole.

I also fly kites as a hobby. I left her some short video clips that should loop as a thank you for giving me the insight into the world of stimming.

As you like moving colour's you might enjoy these.

This first one is a weeks worth of work, for a night time kite festival this weekend gone.

It still needs developing before I declare it a success.

I need faster bearings, I need to balance the pole and I need to use a slippy round pole to hold everything up. All that being said it wasn't a bad effort.

 

 

 

Edited by TheLoneRanger (see edit history)
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@TheLoneRanger

"Picking Nose 

Scratching Head"

I am pretty much always scratching myself and it drives my dad crazy because he didn't think it's humanly possible for anyone to be that itchy all the time and how I can't go more than a few seconds without scratching myself..

"I can watch waterfalls and fountains for hours. Again a multisensory stim of both audio and visual."

Does that make you need to pee?

"When I'm driving I need to feel the air blowing on the back of my hands."

I don't drive but I need the air conditioning on if I'm in one.

"They might talk about the difficulties in potty training a child on the spectrum, or that total concentration in something may lead to accidents.

A few vaguely talk about poo smearing."

I took a really long time to potty train and I didn't really sit down on the toilet to poop and would go in my pants until I was about the age of seven. I always had difficulties controlling my urination as well where I would go to the bathroom constantly like nonstop compulsively.

"I have always loved being wet, even from an early age."

It's interesting that so many on the spectrum are into this particular fetish seeing as people on the spectrum supposedly like water and being wet a lot so maybe that expands to wetting their pants. I never liked wetting myself but I have always liked water and when I was younger I would spend most of my time swimming in the summer or running through the hose or sprinkler.

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On 9/5/2022 at 1:13 PM, DesperateJill said:

@TheLoneRanger

It's interesting that so many on the spectrum are into this particular fetish seeing as people on the spectrum supposedly like water and being wet a lot so maybe that expands to wetting their pants. I never liked wetting myself but I have always liked water and when I was younger I would spend most of my time swimming in the summer or running through the hose or sprinkler.

Is it really a surprise that so many find ourselves here?

Once you start reading up about multisensory stims. Even though the "experts" shy away from it wetting and messing have to be some of the biggest multisensory stims short or arson.

And that's another stim I'd forgotten about, staring at a fire pit.

 

You asked as well about running water and the need to pee.

I've never really experienced the cartoon, turn on the tap and suddenly you can't hold it, although I am aware that this can be a trigger for some.

I mischievously helped ruin someone's live holding game after posting a video of my new wishing well in the middle of their live feed. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok I bought a new fire pit.

This is to commemorate a good friend who I lost two weeks ago.

Many a night we would sit together round a fire just like this. drinking whisky until the early hours.

 

I also love what it is made from.

It's an old washing machine drum, perfect for those of us who end up with too much washing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well I'm back here on this thread, and back down my Autism spectrum rabbit hole.

For about two years I have been trying to track down this.

It doesn't look much, but to me it is a connection to my childhood.

This little radio cassette recorder went everywhere with me.

For the last two years, I thought it was made by Sony, which is why I could never find it.

It turns out it was actually made by Ferguson.

All I could remember is that it was red with a white cover for the tape deck.

I tried looking through old photo albums, but couldn't see a picture of it.

Last Monday I broadened my internet search to try and track it down.

Well not only did I find a picture, it was an eBay listing.

It arrived this morning.

So one more item to help return me to little space.

s-l400-1.jpg

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That's beautiful!  When I find a vintage kit from around that period, I often buy it and build it.  If I find a factory-built version lacking a headphone jack or auxiliary audio input I add those features.  Just my quirks.  But I do enjoy playing a computer game with sound coming from a 1960s or 1970s radio or phonograph. 

The "telescoping" antenna providing FM reception further into the fringe range-- great vintage feature.

Edited by Stanley79 (see edit history)
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Sometimes, I really wonder how I've made it this far, in the sense of independence. 

I work a part time job, that a lot of time ends up with me doing a 40 hour week. I live by myself, even if it's one of my parent's rental places. It's been 3 months and i'm shocked that I have managed to keep the house clean, balance a budget, and eating properly. 

At the same time i'm stressed out and feel like an utter failure? I have not been keeping up in school, I have submitted nothing this semester. Working 5-6 day weeks is burning me out and i'm crying all the time. (It was my fault, I work the type of job where you have to submit "avalibility.")

So as revenge, I went into the schedule for the next 6 months and booked off EVERY SINGLE holiday, which includes Christmas AND New Years. An oversight because of union rules, it got approved though. Hah. 

I think what i'm trying to say is, does it get easier coping on your own? I don't have many friends IRL. Considering adopting a cat to combat loneliness.

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18 hours ago, sunbask said:

Sometimes, I really wonder how I've made it this far, in the sense of independence. 

I work a part time job, that a lot of time ends up with me doing a 40 hour week. I live by myself, even if it's one of my parent's rental places. It's been 3 months and i'm shocked that I have managed to keep the house clean, balance a budget, and eating properly. 

At the same time i'm stressed out and feel like an utter failure? I have not been keeping up in school, I have submitted nothing this semester. Working 5-6 day weeks is burning me out and i'm crying all the time. (It was my fault, I work the type of job where you have to submit "avalibility.")

So as revenge, I went into the schedule for the next 6 months and booked off EVERY SINGLE holiday, which includes Christmas AND New Years. An oversight because of union rules, it got approved though. Hah. 

I think what i'm trying to say is, does it get easier coping on your own? I don't have many friends IRL. Considering adopting a cat to combat loneliness.

A cat makes a great pet, I would recommend a two year old rescue.

It will have enough intelligence to understand that you are trying to give it a happy home. It will be young enough to play with you, but it should also pick up on your moods.

 

But remember a pet is a commitment. Even an easy going cat needs love and attention. Have you got the time to divide yourself between work, studies, you, and a cat?

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55 minutes ago, TheLoneRanger said:

A cat makes a great pet, I would recommend a two year old rescue.

It will have enough intelligence to understand that you are trying to give it a happy home. It will be young enough to play with you, but it should also pick up on your moods.

 

But remember a pet is a commitment. Even an easy going cat needs love and attention. Have you got the time to divide yourself between work, studies, you, and a cat?

Hey, thanks for your reply. I was actually looking at a 7 year old rescue cat. I have one day off this week and thinking of seeing her.

On the other hand, I agree that I think I should hold it off until I finish school. I usually spend my days at home and will almost always be home otherwise. Once things settle down in life I hope that a perfect cat will wander into my life. 

May I ask if you have any pets?

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Oh hey I'd never seen this thread before. Hello big autismo here. May as well briefly tell me anecdote about how I think my autism is why I have this fetish.

When I was growing up it took me years to understand gender roles - not even understand I guess but just accept. My interpretation of the world, as a child, was that girls were treated so much better than boys. They could wear more different kinds of clothes, it was cool if they liked things that boys liked but if boys liked things girls like it was super gay, and they had more privacy in regards to bathroom matters. I knew they had vaginas and that required sitting, but still the fact that boys half the time would pee quite openly in the bathroom (at my elementary school it wasn't even urinals but a trough) and girls always were in a stall didn't sit right with me. Thus I developed just a real fascination in girls peeing and by the time puberty came I guess some wires got crossed and that turned into a sexual fascination - ta-dah!

Now that I've introduced myself I'll contribute a question to this thread: whats your relationship with autism and masturbation? When I first started doing it I was incredibly ashamed even though I wasn't raised religious, because I just didn't understand why I seemingly couldn't stop, I just felt like I had to do it once a day, every day. In hindsight obviously a lot of this was just hormones but I also think my consistent regularity was basically a form of stimming. Then once I was doing it for long enough it fit into my routine, and obviously autistic people have a very routine, habitual nature. This the experience of any other autists? Would love perspectives of both men and women on this.

Edited by caedar (see edit history)
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@caedar

"I knew they had vaginas and that required sitting, but still the fact that boys half the time would pee quite openly in the bathroom (at my elementary school it wasn't even urinals but a trough) and girls always were in a stall didn't sit right with me. Thus I developed just a real fascination in girls peeing and by the time puberty came I guess some wires got crossed and that turned into a sexual fascination - ta-dah!"

I think that that's just sort of a natural fascination as I think everybody is sort of fascinated by the opposite sex. I'm a lesbian but when I was younger I always found it amazing how easy it was for boys to pee and I think that I was sort of jealous of that and just very fascinated with it from a young age to the point where now that I have a fetish it sort of like a fixation.

"Now that I've introduced myself I'll contribute a question to this thread: whats your relationship with autism and masturbation? When I first started doing it I was incredibly ashamed even though I wasn't raised religious, because I just didn't understand why I seemingly couldn't stop, I just felt like I had to do it once a day, every day. In hindsight obviously a lot of this was just hormones but I also think my consistent regularity was basically a form of stimming. Then once I was doing it for long enough it fit into my routine, and obviously autistic people have a very routine, habitual nature. This the experience of any other autists? Would love perspectives of both men and women on this."

I think that I always associated masturbation with a full bladder because when I started school I used to rub my area on the stall doors and everything so I think I always associated bathroom feelings with those sensations.
Now I am pretty much a habitual person whenever I am basically alone for a few hours I will pretty much just go and masturbate and do it almost compulsively out of habit.

 

 

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On 10/16/2023 at 5:51 AM, sunbask said:

Sometimes, I really wonder how I've made it this far, in the sense of independence. 

I work a part time job, that a lot of time ends up with me doing a 40 hour week. I live by myself, even if it's one of my parent's rental places. It's been 3 months and i'm shocked that I have managed to keep the house clean, balance a budget, and eating properly. 

At the same time i'm stressed out and feel like an utter failure? I have not been keeping up in school, I have submitted nothing this semester. Working 5-6 day weeks is burning me out and i'm crying all the time. (It was my fault, I work the type of job where you have to submit "avalibility.")

So as revenge, I went into the schedule for the next 6 months and booked off EVERY SINGLE holiday, which includes Christmas AND New Years. An oversight because of union rules, it got approved though. Hah. 

I think what i'm trying to say is, does it get easier coping on your own? I don't have many friends IRL. Considering adopting a cat to combat loneliness.

It does, you get into a routine, personally I find a routine the most peaceful satisfying thing. It's easy to look at the problems, but look instead to your successes. You are clearly doing great, and by the sounds of it exceeded your own initial expectations 

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Gosh, it took me way too long to figure it out and start working with it. My sister had Asperger's way more noticably when we were young, and for me it was an invisible illness I had to fight internally! (Whoopie-_-) like most autistic atypical kids, I was thrown under the blanket of

"she's got ADHD, just seclude her from the rest of the class so they'll bully her more."

I didn't think the way any of my classmates did and I had zero actual friends. I cried a lot and was constantly overstimulated. Growing up in a male pattern body made it so crying was getting me severely more bullied which.. Didn't help. 

I was insanely germophobic, and whole I have made great strides in getting past that, it still controls me and what I do/how I act. I have contact OCD, which I didn't have a medical name for until I heard several people explain having it and I was like OH SHIT, THIS HAS A NAME? Strangers or people I'm not familiar with with brush against me and I feel like I need a chemical shower to wash off a burning lesion.

I didn't understand for most of my life that I have severe executive dysfunction. I was told that I was lazy, misbehaving and just failing by both my teachers and my parents. I really had/still have even BIGGER trouble doing things that I don't feel make sense or matter. Beurocracy is still a nightmare to navigate. Unnecessary tasks are infuriating.

Diagnosed smart at birth, I always got the "you're pretty smart, why aren't you doing better" treatment. Like I could. Like I owed it to my parents for swapping fluids and forcing me to live. My 30 years of life have felt like 2 lifetimes of misery and exhaustion from constantly having to mask in order to temporarily function in chunks of time only to break down again.

I'm a very anxious person. Loud noises fuck me up really bad and give me a panic attack if I'm not expecting them or having to endure them for a bit. 

A lot of stimming (and tics, early on from also having tourettes) I'm still always discovering more of my quirks are caused by my autism. Finally though I'm at a point in my life where I'm learning to live with it instead of fight it. That positive change and just the knowledge that I had it couldn't have started without talking to a ton of people in my creative communities who told me their stories and clicked with me.

stay strong and never go normie for anyone's comfort. You deserve to comfortably be you 💜

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On 7/26/2022 at 1:34 PM, Ultima01 said:

I'm told I was around 4 when I gave into the potty training.  Specific phrasing, because I never really had any problems after that - apparently I could tell what was going on down there and just didn't care much.

I don't have any memory of it myself, but the story involves a trip to my grandparents' house.  Knowing of my slow potty training, my otherwise-sweet grandma told me there would be a spanking if I wet myself.

I wet.  I reported it to her.  I got spanked.  I didn't wet again.

And yes, this much is a gross oversimplification.

My parents were amazed when they got me home afterward, which is why they still tell that story.

I was in pull ups for longer than kids should have been. I remember being very reprimanded for it and me just not wanting to take to change so..meh. luckily I got over it before kindergarten. That would have been immensely more awkward than my schooling already was.

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32 minutes ago, Omonomiyaki said:

I was in pull ups for longer than kids should have been. I remember being very reprimanded for it and me just not wanting to take to change so..meh. luckily I got over it before kindergarten. That would have been immensely more awkward than my schooling already was.

Oh for pull-ups to have existed when I needed them as a teeny kid.. 😭 I was straight into knickers and constantly wetting while I was in nursery ((I would have been about three??)) this was in the late 80s. I was punished, humiliated and accused of doing it on purpose. Ofc Autistic girls didn't exist back then... 

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On 10/19/2021 at 4:03 AM, Stanley79 said:

This thread is primarily for autistic people to write about their experiences.  The experiences may involve, but are not limited to, online autistic trait sites, difficulty recognizing people, difficulty seeing another person's feelings, narrow interest range, anxiety among non-autistic groups, depression, stimming, famous autistic people and more.

Many autistic people must fake normalcy to fit into their communities.  Others avoid religious denominations requiring unified group emotions (because our feelings don't always link to those around us).

We would like non-autistic people to understand autism is in our neural wiring and can not be changed at this time.  In many cases we would feel quite uncomfortable (that we were not ourselves) if normalized.

The autistic spectrum ranges from people who can't take care of themselves to exceptional research scientists.  

For 30 years of my life, I was undiagnosed. I was labelled practically everything else. Uncooperative. Diva. Drama-Queen. Attention-seeker. Manipulator ((I didn't even know what that meant)) Narcissist ((this actually terrified me)) Lazy. Selfish. Badly behaved. Rude. Bad Attitude. Bad this, bad that, inherent Bad Me, to the extent that I believed I had something rotten in the core of my Soul and everything nice I did or achieved was fake, and I would be discarded straight to Hell when I die.

And my parents dared to tell me I didn't want a negative label when I told them I was seeking a diagnosis as an adult!! 

I was bullied for over 20 years and I still have instances where I try to become a part of a particular social group - most recently with my MS Flight Sim Group - only to be unceremoniously pulled to pieces and kicked out, and yet I still trust that most people are good people.. Go figure. 

I am not the exceptional scientist. I'm not all that exceptional in anything, despite being seen as some Child Prodigy and "destined for great things" as an adult ((yeah right!!)) if only I would follow the rules, obey, take guidance from the right people ((like my parents 🙄)) and not keep getting distracted by these irrelevant time wasting and inappropriate interests like the Titanic, or Chernobyl, or Plane Crashes or  Natural Disasters. "we are so sick of hearing about them, no one cares!!"

I do like to write, sing and do Photography, but what use is any of that in 2023 to make money...?? I physically and mentally cannot do what is expected of me, I have tried. I burned out so badly in 2011 I have never been able to work again, even in my "dream job" ((I was a professional Photographer very briefly)) but it was damaging my health and I made the decision to quit during the Pandemic. 

I can look after myself to an extent, but I have seen what happens when I am left to my own devices for long periods. I've survived suicide attempts twice, been borderline alcoholic and exceptionally reckless. I know how to tie shoelaces, keep clean and feed myself, but true independent life is so much more complex than that.. I wish those in power knew. 

 

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On 11/2/2021 at 11:56 PM, D0nt45k said:

Also, is it just me, or does it seem like autistic people are more likely to develop fetishes in the first place?  It would make sense, given our tendency to fixate on various subjects, sometimes to the point of obsession.

I'm starting to be really curious about this... I'm also starting to suspect from reading on this forum that it's not necessarily equally "sexual" for everyone either. Some things I read on this thread made me think that for many people it's just that they enjoy the unique sensory experiences some of this stuff brings, and that the "sexual"/"fetishes" part just comes in due to either a logical evolution of those feelings/interests (which at least for me, so I suspect I'm probably not alone in this, were not in any way sexual when they first materialised), or even because it's just such a taboo to most of society that it automatically falls under (and thus gets pushed further into) sexual territory.

I think this at least was/is the case for me. There's a suspicion that I may be on the spectrum (on the waitlist to be tested), so this topic and the realisation that a good few of us here seem to be on the spectrum or suspected to be is... interesting.

On 11/4/2021 at 12:29 PM, DesperateJill said:

And I definitely think that people like this tend to develop fetishes rather than have interest in conventional sex, as it seems like most people on the spectrum on these websites don't really have any desire for traditional sex but just get off on the fetishes with the pee holding or whatnot, and I definitely think I fall into that. I mean my fetishes are tickle torture, embarrassing nudity and pee desperation, all of my sexual fantasies revolve around those things, and almost never around actual intercourse.

That's interesting. So I guess this may be too sensitive a question, but then we're all on this forum so maybe it's not (if it is, don't feel obligated/pressured to answer); Is it just that you have no/little interest in regular penetrative sex because you feel like it's "missing something", or is it even that (vaginal) masturbation and touch to sensitive areas does not arouse/affect you in the conventional ways?

I guess as a simple question: Does penetrative sex appeal to you while one or both (whichever is your preferred party) have a bursting full bladder, and when it involves some sort of tickle torture? And does it appeal to you more, or rather less, than if these things were the case without the penetrative sex aspect of them? (Also relevant because penetration would naturally put more pressure on the bladder.)

On 11/28/2021 at 7:23 AM, trekkie said:

Also, I find that most of my friends were girls, just as Jill and Silvermoon find they spent a lot of time with the boys...

Same. Almost all of my friends were girls as a child. Not sure if it means much, but I think for me it was just because I found boys too rowdy, loud, and aggressive.

On 12/9/2021 at 12:33 PM, DesperateJill said:

This is something I never understood either how some women will be extremely embarrassed about being seen in their underwear and yet they don't have a problem being seen in a bikini, as I feel that a bikini is basically the same thing as underwear except more water resistant and meant to get wet. It's just as revealing at any rate.

Agreed, it's literally just about how it's perceived as opposed to what it is or how much it reveals I think. Never got it either.

On 12/9/2021 at 12:33 PM, DesperateJill said:

but I think that a lot of people on the spectrum are oblivious to a lot of these things, where we don't notice things that a lot of other people would be appalled if somebody had seen them in that state. I think there is some degree of social obliviousness that goes along with it.

I never saw the issue with nudity, couldn't care less and was completely oblivious at the idea that I should apparently feel embarrassed when people saw me naked. Then when the bullying about it got sufficiently non-subtle that I got the gist, I flipped around completely to the other end where I started wearing multiple layers of speedos/swimshorts on top of one another so nothing would ever "peak through" and reveal any shapes. Took me a long time (well into my 20s) to find a balance, but even now I just keep buying the same swimming shorts over and over so that I don't need to worry about whether the new ones are going to be too revealing or in some way embarrassing. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a potential autism thing, but shame of my own body was definitely a thing that was taught and did not come natural to me.

I have a bit of a theory: taboos is what cause arousal. Nudity evidently did not phase me by nature, so I guess urination was the next logical step as I could see it as enough of a taboo? I don't think I started experiencing genitalia etc as arousing until I was taught to feel shame of the human body. I wonder to what extent this is "normal".

On 9/5/2022 at 11:38 AM, TheLoneRanger said:

Until a month awogo, I'd never heard about stimming before. After reading another post on here, I started to take a hard look at myself.

Heh. Yes.

> Walks into the shop (with headphones on, obviously) while thinking about how some things could indicate autism, but other things like the "repetitive movements"/stimming don't seem to apply...
> Looks down at what his hands started doing the moment his surroundings became crowded.
> "Fuck."

On 10/18/2023 at 7:07 AM, caedar said:

whats your relationship with autism and masturbation

Sooooo... this is question I've struggled to answer for a while.

Growing up, I used it for emotional regulation. Or rather to help me relax and quiet down the constant stream of thoughts in my head.

As an adult... something changed, at some point. And since autism has entered my radar as a possible explanation for many life experiences and day-to-day struggles, I'm starting to suspect that at this point in my life, the relationship between autism and masturbation is likely what's called sensory overload 😅 It would possibly be able to explain why sometimes for hours but more often for days after masturbating, I feel (mentally and physically) uneasy, and am much more sensitive to noise and light (even more so that normal).

If there's anyone with similar experiences I'd love to hear about it, because even if I probably can't solve it I'd love to understand if my theory on this could actually be correct.

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Oh wow there's lots of stuff to respond to in this thread that I can definitely relate to.


@Omonomiyaki
 "she's got ADHD, just seclude her from the rest of the class so they'll bully her more."
I didn't think the way any of my classmates did and I had zero actual friends. I cried a lot and was constantly overstimulated."


I have that problem especially in elementary school where I was diagnosed with ADHD and hyperactivity and all that stuff. I didn't really have that many friends and I was constantly crying when I was in school and just couldn't take school at all and pretty much had nothing in common with anyone and couldn't relate to any of my classmates.


 "I didn't understand for most of my life that I have severe executive dysfunction. I was told that I was lazy, misbehaving and just failing by both my teachers and my parents. I really had/still have even BIGGER trouble doing things that I don't feel make sense or matter. Beurocracy is still a nightmare to navigate. Unnecessary tasks are infuriating."


This was always what I was told is I was always told that I was basically lazy because I can't seem to do anything but I can't seem to do a lot of basic things that people do. Like my friend Frank once told me you find it easy to write 5000 words in like a half hour about something and that you can't seem to figure out how to use a cell phone. I'm still not one of those people who knows how to fill out forms or to do bills or anything like that by my own and I just really can't do any of that stuff at all.


"Diagnosed smart at birth, I always got the "you're pretty smart, why aren't you doing better" treatment. Like I could. Like I owed it to my parents for swapping fluids and forcing me to live. My 30 years of life have felt like 2 lifetimes of misery and exhaustion from constantly having to mask in order to temporarily function in chunks of time only to break down again."


This is one that I am told constantly. My dad said that I went to college and what did I go to college for as I have achieved nothing for my life. I had like basically a 4.0 GPA and was always smart and everything so he always is like if you're so smart though why can't seem to get your life together function at all, and he asked like he is almost like a St. for taking care of me.


I was watching this video about somebody who said that they were growing up with autism who was 40 years old and they reflected on the fact that they felt like they had lived the equivalent of 80 years and 40 years just because of the constant stress of trying to function in the world and that I could relate to more than anything, I've often said I feel like a 90-year-old and a 40-year-old's body. I just don't know how the average person can deal with stress at all as I am totally incapable of dealing with even the slightest little bit of stress. As the man in the video said the stress comes from being punished every day of your life for simply being yourself.


"I'm a very anxious person. Loud noises fuck me up really bad and give me a panic attack if I'm not expecting them or having to endure them for a bit."


I've gotten a little bit better as I have gotten older but I never liked noise or commotion or anything like that and I used to hate going to places like amusement parks were loud schools or any place with lots of people even now I'm not really a particularly fond of any crowded or noisy place and tend to spend most of my time alone in my attic where I don't really have any contact with people. But I never liked noise or commotion or large groups of people.


"A lot of stimming (and tics, early on from also having tourettes) I'm still always discovering more of my quirks are caused by my autism. Finally though I'm at a point in my life where I'm learning to live with it instead of fight it. That positive change and just the knowledge that I had it couldn't have started without talking to a ton of people in my creative communities who told me their stories and clicked with me."


When I heard about stimming there is one odd habit that I always do that people are always commenting on and that I am often ridiculed for us that I always carry around a piece of string in my hand or something else in my hand because I can't stand to have nothing in my hand and I'm always making lots of nervous movements, and I don't just mean when I have to pee! I am very much just a very squirmy fidgety person in general and I'm often told why can't I ever sit still.


@eliska_91
"For 30 years of my life, I was undiagnosed. I was labelled practically everything else. Uncooperative. Diva. Drama-Queen. Attention-seeker. Manipulator ((I didn't even know what that meant)) Narcissist ((this actually terrified me)) Lazy. Selfish. Badly behaved. Rude. Bad Attitude. Bad this, bad that, inherent Bad Me, to the extent that I believed I had something rotten in the core of my Soul and everything nice I did or achieved was fake, and I would be discarded straight to Hell when I die."


Ditto for me. I basically am constantly told by my father that I'm lazy and selfish and can't stand not getting my own way and that I have a terrible attitude towards life and basically never a single positive thing to say about me and my entire life.


 "And my parents dared to tell me I didn't want a negative label when I told them I was seeking a diagnosis as an adult!!"


I can understand that as I come from a family who is fanatically "normal" or what they consider to be normal as they couldn't really ever tolerate any behavior that was different or abnormal and I was probably the most abnormal person that they could have ever imagined encountering. But yet to them the worst thing that you could call a person is to tell them you are not normal or that you are different, I think that they would rather be killed than probably be told by somebody that we think your different or you're not normal. So the constant thing I always heard every time I needed anything is basically you're not normal your abnormal there's something wrong with you, why do you always have to be different and why can't you do everything like everybody else does and why must I always make everything so difficult.


"I was bullied for over 20 years and I still have instances where I try to become a part of a particular social group - most recently with my MS Flight Sim Group - only to be unceremoniously pulled to pieces and kicked out, and yet I still trust that most people are good people.. Go figure."


I was bullied a lot in high school and her ass to the point where I was actually plotting to murder people. I'm ashamed to say it but I often look at a lot of the things that go on now and I often look back and think that if my dad had owned an assault rifle when I was in high school I would have been one of the school shooters. Even a couple of kids that I classed with in school said that I was making a Columbine list because I was always writing stuff. This was back in like the early 2000 when Columbine was still pretty much the only school shooting, when it wasn't yet like a weekly thing. But yeah there was this one guy who was harassing me and I was planning to stab him to death and I eventually was institutionalized over that.

And actually it was a lot worse than that I didn't just fantasize about stabbing him to death I actually fantasized about cutting off his genitals and shoving them down his throat and killing his family in front of him and then tying him up and burning his house down with him inside so that he would suffer to the maximum degree. Needless to say after everything I experienced I don't believe people are inherently good. My dad says that it was just because I was bullied a lot and that's part of it but I really think that people are mostly shit. I would like to think Anne Frank is right that people are basically good at heart, but if that were true something like the Holocaust would never have happened, something like that is not possible in a world where the vast majority of people are basically good. If people were basically good the number of genocides mass shootings and wars would be zero.


"I am not the exceptional scientist. I'm not all that exceptional in anything, despite being seen as some Child Prodigy and "destined for great things" as an adult ((yeah right!!)) if only I would follow the rules, obey, take guidance from the right people ((like my parents 🙄)) and not keep getting distracted by these irrelevant time wasting and inappropriate interests like the Titanic, or Chernobyl, or Plane Crashes or  Natural Disasters. "we are so sick of hearing about them, no one cares!!"


This is what I got as well as I always remember in high school and in school all of my teachers always love me and thought that I was going accomplish something and now I am basically coming close to 40 and I have no accomplishments in my life and live in my dad's attic and I basically think that if any of my teachers ever found out what became of me they would probably think she had so much potential and look how little she did with it.
But yeah the things that interest me and that consume all of my thinking and time are things that very few people have any real interest in or that very few people value or find that my interests are morbid.


"I do like to write, sing and do Photography, but what use is any of that in 2023 to make money...?? I physically and mentally cannot do what is expected of me, I have tried. I burned out so badly in 2011 I have never been able to work again, even in my "dream job" ((I was a professional Photographer very briefly)) but it was damaging my health and I made the decision to quit during the Pandemic."


Yeah I pretty much in a nonfunctioning person and am trying to make my way as a writer and everybody likes my writing but I don't know anything about promoting myself for basic functioning. Basically anything beyond the writing itself I don't really know how to do. Now I'm sort of working with literary agencies to hopefully maybe get me published a traditional way and promote me and hopefully be successful because that's probably the only thing that I'm ever really good at, most normal things I don't even know how to do. Like I often joke on this forum everybody in school was thinking that I would end up being like the one to conquer the world (I was voted most likely to conquer the world by my high school class) and now I'm a 39-year-old living in my dad's attic and I have a job where I sit in the back of a van and don't go to the bathroom all day. So yeah I didn't really achieve everything that my potential suggested I would.


"I can look after myself to an extent, but I have seen what happens when I am left to my own devices for long periods. I've survived suicide attempts twice, been borderline alcoholic and exceptionally reckless. I know how to tie shoelaces, keep clean and feed myself, but true independent life is so much more complex than that.. I wish those in power knew."  


Yeah I can't function on my own and my dad has a guardianship over me to do all of those things that I can't do. I constantly thought about killing myself and attempted on occasion, I've always avoided alcohol and drugs because I come from a family with a history of substance abuse and I am a very addictive compulsive person who has never successfully overcome a bad habit and I know if I did alcohol and drugs I would probably end up killing myself with them.


But I definitely can't function independently as I can't tie my shoelaces, so I mostly get shoes without laces, I can't drive, I can't get food on my own or do most things on my own. My house is basically a mass because I don't really know how to clean and I am a hoarder and my dad pretty much hates the way I live and basically thinks I look like a hobo war that I live like a bum and I always look like crap all the time. But yeah left on my own I would probably end up dying pretty quickly. My dad is occasionally gone away for a week or two at the time and I suspect that one of these days he's just going to come home and find me dead because of any crisis comes up that I can't resolve on my own I am pretty much going to die.


But yeah I'm pretty much just an all-around terribly functioning person. I've always said that I was very smart and everybody always realized that I'm very smart from talking to me but I feel like academics was the only thing I was ever good at. I could easily write a book in three days yet a trip to the grocery store on my own was something I would never be able to accomplish.


And I often think and use the example of you know those video games where you can make your own character and you would have 100% of attributes and then you would sort of decide which attributes you wanted to highlight. I always said I gave myself 100% intelligence and basically gave myself nothing else. Strength, speed agility, health and all those other factors I pretty much gave myself zero. It's like I'm overdeveloped in one area and basically I am completely fucked up and nonfunctional in almost every other area. But I have heard that that is sort of common with people on the spectrum, they're called little professors, they often have like genius level intelligence but somehow despite that they can't do the things that most people can do and have it hard time functioning outside of an academic environment. I was always really good at school or anything involving the intellect, I basically suck at everything else, and intelligence doesn't really get you very far in a society that is extremely anti-intellectual to the core.


Like I remember when I was in the hospital there was this orderly who was cleaning the hospital and apparently he was like the valedictorian of his class and a genius and somehow he is working a low-level job as basically cleanup crew. So just because you're intelligent doesn't mean you necessarily going to be successful in a society that doesn't necessarily value your gifts.


One thing I always was told was that I was too smart for my own good as though intelligence were somehow a negative thing and I certainly don't come from a family of intellectuals that is for sure. I'm sort of like an anomaly, like the black sheep in the family I guess you would say who has almost nothing in common with everybody else.


@DelugeDenial
"I'm starting to be really curious about this... I'm also starting to suspect from reading on this forum that it's not necessarily equally "sexual" for everyone either. Some things I read on this thread made me think that for many people it's just that they enjoy the unique sensory experiences some of this stuff brings, and that the "sexual"/"fetishes" part just comes in due to either a logical evolution of those feelings/interests (which at least for me, so I suspect I'm probably not alone in this, were not in any way sexual when they first materialised), or even because it's just such a taboo to most of society that it automatically falls under (and thus gets pushed further into) sexual territory."


There might be some truth to that as I was always obsessed with bodily functions and bathroom related matters and toilets and everything like that from a very young age before I came to sexual maturity. And yet I think that I always associated with sexuality because when I first started masturbating the only thing I ever masturbated to with a full bladder and I would go into the bathrooms at school and I would rub my genitals between the stall dividers as a way of stimulating myself. So I always sort of associated sexual pleasure with somehow feeling an urge to go to the bathroom and was always kind of obsessed with bodily functions and sensations like that before I ever started realizing it was a fetish.


 "That's interesting. So I guess this may be too sensitive a question, but then we're all on this forum so maybe it's not (if it is, don't feel obligated/pressured to answer); Is it just that you have no/little interest in regular penetrative sex because you feel like it's "missing something", or is it even that (vaginal) masturbation and touch to sensitive areas does not arouse/affect you in the conventional ways?


I guess as a simple question: Does penetrative sex appeal to you while one or both (whichever is your preferred party) have a bursting full bladder, and when it involves some sort of tickle torture? And does it appeal to you more, or rather less, than if these things were the case without the penetrative sex aspect of them? (Also relevant because penetration would naturally put more pressure on the bladder.)"


Honestly I was just never really into it and that was one of the first things that made me realize I was a lesbian. I had
never had the slightest desire to have a person inside of me or a penis inside of me. I would masturbate but again I would masturbate mostly to thoughts of having to go to the bathroom. But basically without the fetish involved it really doesn't do anything for me, there has to be embarrassing nudity, tickle torture or desperation as just regular sex and of itself probably wouldn't really excite me very much. But I never really fantasize about genital to genital contact or anything like that.


"Same. Almost all of my friends were girls as a child. Not sure if it means much, but I think for me it was just because I found boys too rowdy, loud, and aggressive."


Most of my friends were boys, I wouldn't say that I was a tomboy necessarily but I was sort of an awkward nerd who was interested in things like science fiction which is a more typically masculine kind of interest I suppose. But mostly it was because all of the friends I had made friends with me as I don't think I ever really initiated anything with anybody and most of my friends were friends that I knew through my cousin. But none of us were really rowdy has none of us really liked sports so most of the guys I hung out with would be considered socially awkward nerd so I guess for the most part. I always hated anything having to do with sports or athletics with a passion.


"Agreed, it's literally just about how it's perceived as opposed to what it is or how much it reveals I think. Never got it either."


That's the funny thing though is I wouldn't really be self-conscious about appearing in my underwear necessarily but being naked I would be the opposite, I would feel very self-conscious about that. But yeah to me a bikini is basically the same as wearing underwear except that it's more designed to get wet, but for people on a board like this can have a lot of different meanings I suppose!


 "I never saw the issue with nudity, couldn't care less and was completely oblivious at the idea that I should apparently feel embarrassed when people saw me naked. Then when the bullying about it got sufficiently non-subtle that I got the gist, I flipped around completely to the other end where I started wearing multiple layers of speedos/swimshorts on top of one another so nothing would ever "peak through" and reveal any shapes. Took me a long time (well into my 20s) to find a balance, but even now I just keep buying the same swimming shorts over and over so that I don't need to worry about whether the new ones are going to be too revealing or in some way embarrassing. I'm not sure if this is necessarily a potential autism thing, but shame of my own body was definitely a thing that was taught and did not come natural to me."


The funny thing is that when I was younger I would run around naked and they had no feelings of shame or anything like that, and on some level I feel that there is shouldn't be any real shame around the human body, but intellectualizing something and feeling something are different. What I think that I have a situation with is that I don't know how to handle nudity in a sexual context. I think by the time I went through puberty nudity always had a sexual association with me, there are nudist to say that if you were naked around other people you would eventually get used to it and it would be sexual, but not for me, to me being naked around other people, particularly if they get to stay dressed is like a hypersexual situation to me. I think what I am not really used you are comfortable with and that's where the intensity comes from is the fact that I'm not used to being seen as a sexual being being naked automatically feels like you are a sexual being and if everybody is seeing you like that you feel that people are basically seeing you and dissecting you as such.


"I have a bit of a theory: taboos is what cause arousal. Nudity evidently did not phase me by nature, so I guess urination was the next logical step as I could see it as enough of a taboo? I don't think I started experiencing genitalia etc as arousing until I was taught to feel shame of the human body. I wonder to what extent this is "normal"."


I think that there is some truth to that because I have always been interested in taboos. I've always been interested in things like embarrassing nudity and bodily functions and things that most people want to keep quiet about and that are supposed to be kept private. Somehow violating that sort of makes the situation exciting. But my big fetishes not just for embarrassing nudity, but it's actually for being the only one naked when other people are dressed because it's such an odd situation that you are never normally in and it makes you feel so out of place in the focus of attention and the intensity of that is where it becomes uncomfortable. Likewise being desperate when everybody else is getting to go to the bathroom, it's like there is something fundamentally a little bit taboo about that, where you are out of place and everybody is focusing attention on you in a way that feels really uncomfortable.

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Toilet training I was the opposite. My mother said it took me 1.5 weeks and I was 2.5 years old. Even in my early autism assessments, it mention that.

She knew she could start when she'd forgotten to put a diaper on me before nap, woke me up to change me to realize she hadn't put one on. I went right after and she started training me the next day. I would say she got lucky.

As for masturbation, I was doing it but not knowing what it was. Considering I would just rub against my hand/bear when I had to go, I'd just do it until I got that feeling, haha. I didn't consider that masturbating, as odd as that sounds.

Also explains why I didn't enjoy fingering/dildos I guess...thought I was broken.

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