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Chapter 95

 

Megan

 

I’m relieved to see Chelsea happier than the last time I saw her. Liz looks tired though and asks if she can talk to me when I bring Chelsea back. I must look scared because she immediately smiles and reassures me it’s nothing I have done and I’m not losing my job. I breath a huge sigh of relief then tell her my plans for the afternoon. Liz thinks it’s a brilliant idea and hands me £20.

 

Liz finds a warm blanket for the chair and I set off walking to the high street pushing my friend and employee in front, chatting away to her just like I do with Yasmin. I know exactly what shops to look in and start with my favourite: the heart foundation charity shop. One of the ladies from chapel volunteers there, ever since her husband died of a heart attack, and I often pop in to say hi when passing and she keeps any midi skirts or nice blouses my size aside for me too. 

 

It’s so much harder going anywhere with a wheelchair, much harder than a child’s pushchair, and especially so with Chelsea as her dystonia makes her limbs spasm and jerk at angles she can’t control. On the walk outside with no-one around it’s not an issue but suddenly on the high street on a busy Saturday afternoon I’m very aware of the lack of space and courtesy  people give. Pushing the door to the charity shop open I try to protect Chelsea’s arms by standing against the door as I do my best to push the chair inside. Just as I’m struggling and chatting to Chelsea I feel the door go lighter behind me and realise someone is holding it open for me. I step back behind the chair to push it in as I turn and look up at the gentleman holding the door. 

 

God, It’s Liam! As gorgeous, sexy and handsome as ever! Our eyes meet as my heart misses a beat. Desire, excitement and passion fill my mind as I try to put them aside and concentrate on Chelsea and why I am here. As if to refocus myself, and distract myself from the aura that .Liam radiates whenever I see him, I introduce Chelsea to him to somehow justify my lengthy pause and ogling eyes. I’m used to people staring at my sister, and sadly even more so at Chelsea, and accustomed to many people ignoring Chelsea and just talking to me, so when Liam looks at and talks directly to Chelsea to say hi my heart is deeply touched. His childlike innocence at going to shake her hand amuses me though but when he reaches to touch her hand and Chelsea beams I can’t help grinning too. 

 

Liam takes my breath away and getting just a small whiff of his scent sends my body into overdrive. With real emotion and feeling I look at him and tell him genuinely how good it is to see him. It’s only been 24 hours since we last parted but the unexpected meeting has surprised me and thrilled me, helping me forget all about my belittling sister in law from earlier. I can feel myself getting carried away with desire and longing as I look right into Liam’s seductive and sexy eyes, but a jerk and noise from Chelsea brings me right back down to earth with a bang. I’m at work right now and regardless how much I fancy a man I’ve just bumped into unplanned I can’t allow my lack of self control to take over me. I force myself to turn away but I can’t resist saying I hope we meet again. It’s more than a hope though as I will move heaven and earth with my bear hands just to get to see Liam Jude again soon! 

 

His gentle touch on my hand as we part leaves my legs like jelly and I’m glad to hold the arms of the wheelchair to steady me. As I hear the door close I pause to calm myself before refocusing back to the task at hand: finding a selection of different materials to make a sensory box for Chelsea. I guide the chair towards the baby clothes and blankets and, together with Mrs Clements help, we find a good selection of shiny, sparkly, soft, crinkly, cuddly, rough and colourful materials ranging from scarfs, baby clothes, skirts, shirts and even a reversible sequence logo on a child’s t-shirt. Chelsea has a wonderful time feeling and exploring everything and Mrs Clements even finds a lovely box that was donated and helps me pack it all into a bag. She adds in a baby rattle and a Barbie doll when she thinks I’m not looking and refuses to take more than £10 for everything. Chelsea giggles and shakes her legs in excitement as Mrs Clements holds the door open to help us out. 

 

We pop into another few shops before I stroll back to Chelsea’s house with her hoping Liz will let me stay long enough to cut the clothes and put everything in the box. Liz is looking out for us and helps me in with all our purchases as she jokes to her daughter lightheartedly about spending all her money. I explain about what we have found and ask if it’s ok to stay for about 15 minutes or so to cut everything up. Liz makes me a tea and as I sit at the kitchen table with Chelsea and Liz cutting up material and putting it into the box while drinking tea Liz tells me what’s troubling her. Despite my home situation I agree to try to help. I explain I will need to make sure someone can help with my baby sister but otherwise if it will put her mind at rest and make Chelsea happier then it’s the least I can do. 

 

I leave when my tea is finished and the box complete, to Chelsea’s utter delight, and I’m waved goodbye from a much relieved Liz and Chelsea in her walking frame smiling and flapping some of the material in her hand delightedly. 


 

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Chapter 97:

 

Megan

 

Getting back from work in the dark I hear Yasmin crying before I even get in the door. The car isn’t outside so I assume dad or Theresa have popped out but I can see the boy’s  bedroom light on upstairs. I come in and hang my coat up then find Theresa pacing the living room with Yasmin in her arms. 

 

“Has she been crying long?” 

 

I put my arms out to take my sister checking she isn’t running a temperature or anything then hold her tight. She doesn’t seem to smell or anything but I do notice she’s still in the clothes she had on when I left. 

 

“Has she had any dinner? She didn’t eat much at lunch. Lilly took us to McDonald’s and she’s never had that before.” 

 

“She’s just been so upset for the last hour I haven’t had a chance to make anything. The boys never said anything. She’s just been so unsettled.” 

 

“Where’s dad?” 

 

“He’s gone to evening mass. I told him I’d be fine here.”

 

I walk to the kitchen with Yasmin in my arms looking in the fridge to see what I can make Yasmin and everyone else to eat. I snap a yogurt and get a teaspoon from the drawer. Not bothering to put Yasmin in her chair I just sit her on my knee at the table as I spoon feed her some yoghurt and ask Theresa to heat her some milk. Theresa stands in front of the microwave talking after she puts some milk in a bottle to warm as Yasmin slowly begins to settle and stop crying. 

 

“I’m sorry Meg. I never thought she might just be hungry. You and mam just seem to know what she wants. I did change her though but I wasn’t sure what was even happening for tea to be honest.”

 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself Theresa. You’ve already done a shift at work so how were you to know? No harm done. Pass me her bottle will you. If you look in the freezer I think there’s some frozen pizza. I’m sure the boys will be delighted if we cook those. I think I’ll just make some baby food for Yasmin because she’ll have tired herself out with crying and struggle to chew pizza. I take it you don’t know when she woke from her nap at all?” 

 

Theresa carries on chatting while she hands me the bottle for Yasmin and opens the freezer to get the pizzas. “Rory will love you forever giving him pizza especially after McDonald’s today. He’ll be thinking it’s his birthday! Yasmin was awake upstairs crying when I came in about 2:30. I don’t think dad heard her as he was on the phone. She settled for a bit when I brought her down but then she just started crying soon after dad left.” 

 

Yasmin sits in my arms holding her own bottle drinking the warm milk, her tired tear filled eyes looking right at me. I look down at her and use my index finger to wipe her damp cheek. 

 

“I think there’s just too much change for her. Poor baby. So much getting passed between people and seeing so many faces. Plus she was obviously hungry too.” 

 

Theresa puts the pizzas in to cook looking much more relaxed. 

 

‘You want a cuppa Meg? I’m gasping for a tea now Yasmin’s more settled.” 

 

“Yes please.” 

 

I feed Yasmin her dinner allowing her just to stay on my lap for comfort. Theresa sits at the table with me while we drink coffee and chat until the pizzas are ready. The boys are thrilled to see pizza and Anthony happily makes a drink for himself and his younger brother. Rory is full of news of his morning, telling his older sister, Theresa, all about the zip slide, huge climbing frame and his trip with his aunt to .McDonald’s. Theresa chats away and Anthony, though quieter, joins in a bit, though he makes sure to ask Theresa if there’s any more news on mam. I’m impressed at how Theresa answers stressing how the hospital is doing all they can to make mam better and she should be moving into a ward soon meaning they can make her cards to have by her bed. Both boys seem happy to hear this as I notice Yasmin is now half asleep in my arms, no doubt exhausted from all her earlier crying. 

 

Anthony offers to help clear up, nudging his brother to help too, so I leave them to it to get Yasmin into her baby-grow for bed before she falls into too deep a sleep in my arms. I’m tired myself and feeling quite sentimental thinking back to bumping into Liam unexpectedly earlier. I’d love nothing more than to be snuggled into his soft chest wrapped in his arms right now like Yasmin is in mine. I carry Yasmin upstairs while she’s still awake hoping she might fall asleep in her cot herself. As I pass the room I share with my sister the door is open as always and I see the phone Lilly gave me earlier sitting where I left it before I left for work. I hadn’t time time to check it before I had to go but I pick it up on my way to my parent’s room as I settle Yasmin in her cot awake and sit on the edge of the double bed watching her as I set up the phone and install some apps. 

 

Yasmin happily makes contented noises and plays with her fingers and watches her mobile turning as I log into Facebook and notice I have a friend request pending. My heart jumps when I see the name and I press accept immediately. Then I have a sudden thought and I race to my room, grabbing the notes Liam wrote me from under my pillow as I type in his number and text him two words that I hope make him smile. 

 

‘Guess who?’

 

I wonder if he realises it’s me? I can’t stop smiling thinking of him and recalling the times we’ve had together. He’s the sexiest, most gorgeous, most amazing man ever and when he texts back I can’t help using an emoji to show him how I feel. I just hope he doesn’t think I’m being too forward or over the top. There’s a short moment before I get a reply, but when I do I hold my phone in both hands staring reading the text over and over. 

 

No-one ever calls me beautiful. No-one that is except Liam Jude. 

 

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Chapter 99

 

Megan

 

Harrison calls to say that mam wasn’t really up to talking tonight when he visited but she did smile a bit when Aisling talked about anything to do with the baby. She’s hopefully being moved to a ward on Monday as soon as a bed is available in the psychiatric wing. She’s still hooked up to loads of stuff and still very unwell and still being fed via a drip as she’s refusing to eat or drink. Dad returns from chapel and I make him some macaroni cheese on toast. He doesn’t say much and after the others go to bed he slumps on the armchair watching a documentary on TV. I opt to sit with him to make sure he’s ok but also because I really hope he might go to bed soon too and let me have some late night privacy. 

 

Ever since getting the Facebook friend request from Liam earlier and then his text calling me beautiful I can’t get him out of my mind. It’s so frustrating not being able to text him or message him because he’s out with his friend. I wish more than anything that it was me out with him instead of being stuck at home with dad and my siblings. I make myself a mug of tea and I’m 3 quarters of the way through it when I get a text. My heart jumps as I reply back trying to imagine Liam in a pub laughing and joking with his friend. When he tells me how he’s needing to pee and suggests he could hold it until I allow him to go I squirm on the couch with excitement. I seriously need dad to go to bed because I can feel myself getting more and more turned on by the second. 

 

Ten excruciatingly long minutes pass before Liam texts again. This time it’s a photo of his empty pint glass with words under it saying, ‘My 2nd one tonight. Be kind lol.’ I smile, imagining all that liquid inside his bladder and wondering if Liam is hiding the fact he needs to pee from his friend or if there’s any signs. I remember Iain telling me once how alcohol affects the brain and body and heightens and dulls sensations all at the same time. I wonder if it’s heightening Liam’s need or dulling it, fooling him into not realising just how bad it really is? I text him back with a teasing, ‘Maybe I’ll be a good kind Catholic girl tonight…or maybe I won’t…’

 

He replies with ‘G just ordered me a soda water and lime. Need to dilute the alcohol, miss you sweetheart xxx’

 

Dad is lightly snoring so I switch the TV off and gently go over to him. The last thing I need is dad falling asleep downstairs leaving me with nowhere private at all. 

 

“Dad? Dad? The programme is finished now.”

 

He shakes his head as he comes round and I say, lying, that I’m heading to bed and he should too. He looks down at his clothing looking a bit bewildered to perhaps see his suit and tie still on. I whisper to him to remind him of the fact he was at mass earlier. A look of recognition comes over him and I help him up out the chair as I watch him head upstairs to bed. I hear him going into the bathroom and I slip quietly back into the living room, turning off the main light and sitting in just the light of a small lamp. I turn the volume of my phone right down and sit up on the couch with my legs up on the cushions. Just as I get comfortable I have an idea and I go into the kitchen to fill two tall tumblers with cold water as I take them both in with me and get back into position on the couch. 

 

I hear dad flushing the toilet and going to bed and I pray no-one else wakes up as I plug a charger into my phone and read the short text conversation so far, my excitement building quickly. I’m, as yet, undecided how I want things to end with Liam tonight but having control of when he gets to pee makes me so wet and ready that I slip a hand between my legs in anticipation. 

 

I’m so eager for things to move on that I text Liam before waiting on a reply from him. 

 

“How’s things going? You wanting to go anywhere perhaps? Xx”

 

My text has barely sent when I get a reply right back.

 

“Yes! Had to pee since G went ages ago! Soda and lime almost finished. G thinking of going for a curry. All I want to go for is a piss 😝

 

“Curry + drink sounds great. Piss is a no! 😘. Wish I could see you squirming!”

 

I don’t know how he manages to do it without Gareth seeing but somehow he must as the next thing I get is a photo clearly taken from under a table of Liam’s crossed legs with a hand resting tightly on his upper thigh. I stare at the imagine in awe, my nighty pulled up and my hand over my pants imagining being with Liam and thinking how he must feel with two pints of beer in his bladder plus a full glass of soda water and lime. I decide to see if I can get a taster of what he might be experiencing as I drink one of the glasses of water  beside me as quickly as I can manage. I let Liam wait for my reply a few minutes before texting back. 

 

“Looks like it’s building nicely. Lovely!” 

 

It’s another few minutes before I get anything again but I’m so loving his last photo I am just staring at it while touching myself. My thoughts are interrupted by my phone vibrating with another text. 

 

“Outside a Chinese takeaway getting curries. I gotta go bad. Really bad!”

 

I slip my hand inside my underwear revelling in the squelching and warmth of my own vagina as each text turns me on more and more. It’s hard to text back as I don’t want to stop what I am doing, but I also long to hear more from Liam so much! 

 

“Not time yet. Where are you going to eat it? Hope you bought a drink too? 😘

 

“Heading back to mine. Please please may I use my loo? Really really desperate baby!”

 

“Best eat your curry first before it goes cold. Enjoy…I am ☺️

 

10 minutes later he sends me a blurry pic of his curry and chips in a polystyrene box with what looks like a can of cola beside it sat on a table. After the pic are the words ‘At mine. Can’t sit still. G just asked if I gotta piss. Told him I don’t want curry to get cold like you said. Please let me go after this!  I’m bursting!’ 

 

The word ‘bursting’ jumps out at me as I twirl and stroke my enlarged clit and explore between my legs as I get wetter and wetter and warmer and warmer as I not only find myself getting incredibly hornier by the minute but also feeling a strong need to use my own bathroom too. The combination just heightens my desires even more as I wonder just how far I can take Liam and just how long I can hold back myself.

 

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Chapter 100

 

Liam

 

I hated being controlled and dominated by Lauren Bennett but this is different in so many ways. Submitting to Megan is exciting, sexy, and most of all consensual. I can stop at any time and I know she’ll understand and not be disappointed but I really don’t want to quit like that regardless how desperate I am Having Megan control my bladder and my toilet access sends shivers up my spine and blood pumping through my body, her every text making me more and more horny even with my best mate right beside me. In fact doing this secretly between us whilst in the company of someone else makes it somehow even more exhilarating and thrilling. 

 

Gareth has been so generous buying me two pints of quality beer and a glass of soda water and lime. I haven’t once visited the gents but I have no idea if he’s noticed my tightly crossed legs and bouncing knees in the bar and constant moving waiting for our curries. But now back at mine, as I openly squirm on my seat I can’t hide my extreme need any longer! As he sits right beside me, in my own flat with my bathroom tantalisingly close by, he outright asks me if I need to piss! Part of me is mortified and the other half finds it secretly sexy. I tell him what Megan told me to say about not wanting my curry to get cold and he nods like this is perfectly acceptable despite the fact I have a hand gripping myself under the table and I am fidgeting like mad. 

 

“So when we’ve finished eating are you going to give me a tour before I go back? I reckon I should call a cab to get me back to the hotel don’t you? This is a right decent curry by the way.” 

 

It is a good curry but the onions make me cough a little meaning I need to drink more, which really is the last thing I need right now. My phone beeps with another text and Gareth laughs heartily as I jump and moan almost pissing myself. 

 

“It’s almost midnight mate. I take it that’s your Irish lass then? Seems she’s as taken with you as you are her! I’m surprised you didn’t just get her as your new flat mate if things are going that well. And for fuck sake just go piss mate. You’re like my Michael sitting there holding yourself not wanting to leave what you’re doing. He’s seven though..not 31 like you! What’s stopping you? And don’t say your curry because that’s a load of shite! You’re making me need to go with all that squirming and stuff. Actually where is you bog mate? If you ain’t gonna go then I will!” 

 

I feel my face reddening as I tell him where my bathroom is, yearning with everything I have to race there myself. I’m going to have to confess to Megan that I can’t do this any longer. I’m going to have to beg her to finally let me go! 

 

With Gareth out the room I take a quick video of myself moaning and holding myself urgently and send it to Megan begging her to let me go and saying that Gareth is currently in my bathroom! So replies immediately with a photo that sends me utterly crazy! She’s lying on a couch in a dimly lit room with her hands inside her underwear. Despite being agonisingly bursting to piss with a rock hard bladder I now have a rock hard dick to match! I touch the photo with my hands longing to touch Megan so badly. Having her control me is sending me bananas for her and I seriously want to race all the way to hers in the dark of night just to hold her, kiss her and fuck her. I text her back shaking I’m so needy for her. 

 

“Fuck! I thought I so badly wanted to piss but seeing you now I’d never piss again if it meant I could be with you right now! You are beautiful and so desirable. I want you so much right now…” 

 

I stroke my rock hard bladder and move my hand down to my rock hard dick, stroking through my jeans almost crying at how much I want Megan Murphy while staring at her photo in awe. I’m so caught up and focussed I don’t hear Gareth come back quietly into the room. 

 

“Right, your turn now mate while I ring that cab. Matilda will be waiting up for me and as much as I love you as a mate it ain’t you I fancy snuggling with tonight. You ok there?”

 

Before I can stop him he’s right beside me, my hard on bloody obvious to us both and my phone displaying my Megan in a very private way that seems so wrong for my mate to see. 

 

“Fucking hell Liam! How long have you two been together then? You have done it before right?” 

 

Sheepishly, and very shyly, with my heart beating so fast I feel dizzy, I confess to my best mate that we have only fucked once. 

 

“It’s not that simply! She lives with her parents and loads of siblings and…”

 

“But she’s bloody ready and waiting for you right this minute and you’re…well I think it’s rather obvious what you want too…so what you waiting for? Either go to her right now or bring her here! It’s what you both want isn’t it? So why wait? Life is too short mate. Way too bloody short. Don’t miss an opportunity.” 

 

“She’s almost 2 miles away. It’s after midnight..”

 

“Look tell her to slip out and you’ll pick her up in a cab! I’ll call one right now and get it to drop me at my hotel then onto wherever she lives…you know her address right? Then bring her here for the night.”

 

“But…she’d need to get back in the morning before her family find out?”

 

“Set a fucking alarm clock Liam and either call a cab for her or walk her home…whatever..I’m calling a cab. It’s up to you. I’ll even pay to get her here. You’ve been a good mate to me and I didn’t believe you with that Lauren nutter so call this payback. Text her and tell her to be ready. You won’t regret it.”

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Chapter 101

 

Megan

 

Alone in my own living room I feel somewhat safe as I lie playing and enjoying my own body as I think of Liam and all he has been drinking and how he still hasn’t been to the toilet yet. His text updates thrill me knowing I have full control of when he gets to release the huge pressure inside him. I image it all as sexual fore play, his increasing desire to urinate akin to my increasing desire to climax, his urgency in harmony with mine. I’m edging closer and closer to that place of no return in my body where I know I will lose complete control of my whole being and when I will finally allow my lover to release his physical tension as I release my sexual tension, our bodies climaxing in different ways but simultaneously in complete harmony. 

 

That was my plan right up until my mobile started vibrating in my hand, startling and shaking my whole body, the voice on the other end making me shiver with sexual excitement. 

 

“Hi, my beautiful.”

 

“Hey! Has your friend left?” 

 

“He’s just calling a cab. The thing is…well…God Megan…I….fuck I need to just tell you! I want you so much right now. I am besotted with you, my darling, obsessed with you, absolutely crazy about you…love heart eyes emoji for you…and God right now my body longs for you so badly I could burst…if you want to…and only if you want to, my beautiful…well Gareth said I could get his cab to come get you, bring you back here, where we can be together all night. God how badly I want that baby. I’m shaking here just at the thought…what do you think?”

 

“Oh Liam! You have no idea how much I long for you right now in ways I never even knew possible! You mean be together all night? Seriosly? I would need to get back here before anyone knew though, before any of them wake…but…oh I long for you so much. But good grief I’m lying here in just my nighty honey! Have I got time to get dressed? What if someone hears me? Oh Liam I do want to be with you though…really I do.”

 

“You got a coat handy? Slippers? Just come as you are. I couldn’t fucking care if you were in a fucking elephant onesie right now I just want you so much!  Gareth has just signalled that the cab is on its way. I won’t let it toot or anything but I’ll sit for a minute outside yours after it’s dropped Gareth at the hotel. If you want to I’m all yours…oh and just so you know I still haven’t been to the toilet yet!”

 

“Oh my word Liam. You must be absolutely bursting honey!”

 

His voice goes quiet, sexily and excitedly quiet, as he whispers down the line to me…

 

“Oh I am sweetheart, I really am. But I’m so hard right now for someone very very special that I’m about to explode with something else too…I need you!” 

 

Despite the fact everyone is asleep upstairs I still whisper back whilst exploring my very ready vagina, my heart pounding and the hairs on the back of my neck tingling. 

 

“I need you too Liam. So much so. I’ll be outside waiting!” 

 

As I slide off the couch, delirious with desire, I giggle quietly as I slide my slippers off and slide my bare feet into my flat black outdoor shoes, the hardness and coldness making me suddenly urgently need to pee. I glance upstairs, momentarily debating to myself about risking using the bathroom, but it just feels a risk too much. Instead I grab my pink anorak and search the pockets for my recently acquired house key. It’s not there! Dancing around with a huge urgency to pee I try to think where I last put it. I suddenly remember seeing it in my purse earlier when I was out with Chelsea, but my purse is upstairs on the dresser in my room, the room I share with Theresa! Desperately trying to think, with one hand wedged between my legs as my earlier tea and full glass of cold water threaten to burst out of me any second, I suddenly remember the spare key behind the clock on the mantelpiece. In the barely lit room it’s hard to find but once I have it I pull my hood up, zip my coat up and sneak outside the front door, unlocking and re-locking it as silently as I can. As I walk down the path the cold air causes me to shiver and leak a little into my pants as I cross my legs very tightly and look up and down the street anxiously for any signs of a taxi, silently praying no other vehicle passes by and sees me. 

 

I stand, well more precisely dance around and squirm, both trying to keep warm and simultaneously not wet myself, as I wait alone in just my nightwear and light anorak. 

 

What on earth has come over me? How on earth will I explain any of this in the confession booth at chapel? How many times will I have to recite the rosary to make amends for my sins after tonight? I am just getting second thoughts when a car pulls up and the back door opens as Liam waves me to join him, his face shining in desire and longing, his eyes beaming with excitement. 

 

As he holds both his arms out just inside the car door I run towards him, any last minute doubts blown away by the night breeze as I abandon my upbringing, my faith, my family, and even my baby sister, all for the excitement and thrill of a night with an English litter picker who I love more than I even dare confess, even to myself. 

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Chapter 102

 

Liam 

 

By the time I’ve called Megan there’s tooting outside the flat as the taxi is here so suddenly I barely have time to get my coat off the back of the chair and on my back. I’m carried along by the effects of alcohol, my best mate’s insistence, and sheer longing for one woman. Leaving the warmth of the flat I feel the cold air hit me hard as my erection subsides just enough to make my bladder spasm as I grab myself instinctively in the dark of the night as Gareth pushes me gently into the back of the private cab. 

 

“Hilton hotel please, then my mate Liam will tell you where he’s going. Cheers mate!”

 

Gareth climbs in the front leaving me alone in the back, for which I am so grateful as I massage my crotch frantically, forcing myself to think sexy thoughts about Megan to get hard so I don’t burst on the backseat. I hear Gareth talking to the cab driver as I squirm in the back texting Megan to tell her we’re on the way. I’m shaking in anticipation of seeing her, longing for her so much it hurts and hyper at the thought of lying in my own bed beside her. I’ve never wanted to be with a girl more than I do right now, but fuck do I need to piss too, so so badly. I wrap my arms around my aching bladder and lean forwards as the cab pulls into the Hilton car park. Gareth hands some notes to me in the back as I try to come back to earth enough to tell the driver Megan’s address. The driver must see me in his internal mirror as he looks right at my best friend as Gareth stands beside the cab and comments loudly, 

 

“He ain’t gonna vomit is he? I’m not taking him if he does!” 

 

Gareth promises I won’t as I struggle to sit still. 

 

“25 Woodburn Close please. Just to pick someone up then right back to  102 Victoria Road, thank you.”

 

As we drive along the quiet dark roads towards the Brookfield estate I feel my legs tighten, the muscles in my buttocks clenched as tight as I can possibly manage, as an overwhelming urge to relax and let my bladder empty almost overwhelms me. Fucking hell I need to use the toilet and very urgently! As the car turns into Megan’s street I feel my erection growing again but not before a small spurt of urine manages to leak into my clothing. I’ve no idea if there’s anything to be seen on my jeans as it’s pitch dark, but as the driver slows to a halt at Megan’s I push open the back door and throw both my arms wide open to embrace my beautiful woman. With the dim light from the car’s internal lights I catch a glimpse of Megan’s familiar pink anorak, her gorgeous brown hair under her hood and her alluring, amazing, smile. She slides into the back seat beside me as I wrap her in my arms, the seatbelt trying to pull me back. 

 

Megan pulls her own seatbelt on as she cuddles right into me on the middle seat as I wrap one arm around her shoulders while my other hand presses firmly on my dick to stop any more piss leaking out. Megan feels cold, fidgety and stiff beside me as I kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear. 

 

“You feel cold baby. Cuddle in. We’ll be warm at mine very soon.” 

 

She uses her hand to move my face forwards so her mouth is level with my ear. As the taxi drives through dark but empty roads sparks fly through my entire body as my incredible girlfriend whispers to me with one hand in her crotch fidgeting manically. 

 

“Before we make love please can I use your loo? Have you went yet?” 

 

I whisper back one word that sums up the torture in my entire body, the heaviness of my bladder, the pain surging from my testicles right down my very erect penis. One word that I hope she believes and knows is the entire truth. One word that shows how obedient I have been to her all night. 

 

“No.” 

 

I take her hand and guide it to my upper legs as she feels my thick bulge in my jeans. In the pitch black of the back of the taxi I then risk letting her let go as I move her hand to the top of my jeans as I let her feel my extremely hard and distended bladder. I’m not sure if her moans at this are due to her own need or sexual pleasure from feeling mine, but hearing them sends pre-cum shooting down my erection uncontrollably as I shiver in panic at the thought it might be another spurt of urine. Megan quickly takes my hand and slides it between her legs as I feel her body pounding  and throbbing  against my hand even through her nighty and knickers. If this cab doesn’t get us back to mine in the next few minutes I fear I might fuck Megan right on the back seat we’re sitting on! 

 

As if the driver can read my mind he comes to a stop. Between my giddiness from drinking and my intense horniness for Megan it takes me a moment to remember that I need to pay the cab. 

 

“23 pounds please.” 

 

I open the cab door and use a combination of a nearby street light and the internal door light from the taxi to find £30 in notes from the money Gareth gave me as I tell him to keep the change as I pull Megan out and pull her to my front door. I only let go of her hand to dig in my coat pocket for my key as I hear the cab pull away and Megan quietly moaning. 

 

“Oh it’s really really bad Liam! It’s going to come out. I can’t stop it. Oh no! I’m so cold I’m  leaking…oh no! Oh no!” 

 

There’s no-one around and the road is quiet, thankfully, as I stand with the key in my lock and gaze at Megan as she opens her legs standing right on my doorstep, her knees slightly bent, and her nighty rolled in her hands as she moans. The sound of hissing and liquid hitting the ground thrills me as I gasp in utter awe as I can’t resist biting Megan’s neck in passion even as she pees violently right in front of me. 

 

If she doesn’t stop peeing herself and get into bed with me in the next minute or two I will be ejaculating right here on my doorstep too! I can’t imagine how tonight could possibly get any better than it has already, yet I know the finale will somehow exceed it all. I need it to happen so urgently I moan like a man possessed.

 

I have to stop sucking Megan’s neck even though it’s the last thing I want to do. I need her inside my flat. I need her naked. I need to be inside her! 

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Chapter 105

 

Megan

 

I remember sitting in Liam’s bed holding and drinking a cup of tea but then the next thing I remember is being woken by some sort of alarm. It takes me a few minutes to recall where I am as I feel another warm body close to mine; Liam.

 

“What time is it Liam?” 

 

“5:45am. I wasn’t sure when you would need to be home. I wish you could stay though. When can we see each other again? Oh Megan thank you for staying last night. It was amazing!”

 

Liam holds me close, his naked body sending tingles through mine as my heart and body long for him so much. I’m still so sleepy and could easily snuggle in under the warm duvet into his body and rest some more but two very important things stop me: needing to get home and needing to let that mug of tea out that I had before bed! My back is against Liam’s front, his arms wrapped around me like a giant teddy. 

 

“I guess I had better get up and head home. Liam?”

 

“Yes my sweetheart.”

 

“Could I possibly use your bathroom before I go?” 

 

“Mmmm. Can it wait? 5 more minutes?” 

 

“If you keep cuddling me then yes. But I will need to get home soon sadly. Theresa is visiting mam in hospital this morning and dad will expect us all to go to chapel with him.” 

 

“I saw you at chapel last week. I sat at the back and watched you.” 

 

I roll over to face him, taken aback at what he’s just confessed. Looking at his face I reach a hand out and stroke his cheek. 

 

“You actually came to chapel? To see me?”

 

“Yes. After seeing you the day before when I was working and you were outside with your baby sister and I found you bursting to pee. After we kissed and I watched you peeing onto that bin bag I couldn’t stop thinking of you. Actually I couldn’t stop thinking of you from the day in the launderette when you squirmed so sexily and eventually had an accident. Then when we met in the library toilet not long later. You mentioned that day about spending your life cleaning up after others for free or something. I was so worried about you that I walked all around your estate every night listening for any signs that someone might be mistreating you. I knew the chapel was somewhere special to you and even more so when you came out it that time and found me against the wall after my panic attack. I loved going to lunch with you that day Megan. I wanted to kiss you in that cafe so bloody much. But then you ran out so quickly. Did I say something?” 

 

So many emotions run through my mind as I realise listening to Liam just how much our lives have been coming together right from the time we first met. I think of the bookmark under my pillow at home that Liam bought and hand delivered to me. In my tiredness and full bladdered state I can’t quite recall the exact words but I know it’s something about desperate situations leading to beautiful moments, or something similar. Now I am lying naked in Liam’s bed it feels safe to confess why I ran out on him that day and where I had to be right after. 

 

“I had to leave that day because of you.” 

 

I slide closer to Liam, my hand still on the side of his face and my thumb running along his perfect lips. 

 

“Not because of anything you said, more because I was scared. I couldn’t get you out my head that day we met in the launderette either. I couldn’t understand why though. I thought it might have just been because of all the feelings I had sitting in the place squirming. Holding for so long, trying to hide how urgently I needed to pee, and then having that accident, did something to my body that I still don’t really fully understand, but ever since that day whenever I’m desperate to pee it’s like my body changes, my mood changes, I feel sexy, alive and….well it makes me want to masterbate myself so much! That time in the cafe sitting opposite you I started having those exact same feelings, except this time I wasn’t desperate to pee….I was desperate for you! I was falling for you and I was terrified you might not feel the same way, so I ran away using my appointment as an excuse. I did genuinely have an appointment though, that wasn’t a lie. I had to meet with Mr.CGintley, Courtney’s dad. He works at the council as a welfare adviser. He was helping me sort out stuff because I haven’t had a job in years. I felt awful for leaving you though. I never ever thought you might actually like me too.”

 

“Like you? How could anyone not like you? You are honestly the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. And for your information Miss Murphy…”

 

He reaches out to gently take my other hand as he places it on his rock hard penis under the duvet.

 

“That’s exactly what I was like that day in the cafe. I was so hard under the table because I fancied you so much. I still do. God, I love you so much.” 

 

He pulls the back of my head towards his head as I feel his lips meet mine in a tender, loving, passionate way that sends electric sparks firing inside me. I could easily, very easily, stay so much longer. I could easily make love all over again, the tingling in my vagina reminding me that I am not only very turned on again but also really needing to pee. 

 

Against everything in me I draw back from the kiss but I run my thumb over Liam’s lips to show him I adore him so much. 

 

“I really do need to be getting home honey. Do you have money for a cab? I’ll get it back to you somehow as soon as I can. I have chapel this morning with my family then a couple of hours with Chelsea again then I need to watch the boys and Yasmin tonight as Theresa is out and dad is visiting mam. I have something on on Monday morning and I am working Monday, Wednesday and Thursday this week from 4-6 each day. I could walk over to here during the day while the boys are at school though I might need to bring Yasmin with me…oh I don’t know but I have to see you! And Liam?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I am nearly wetting your bed here. Please, please may I use your toilet?”

 

He winks at me cheekily as he slides his legs off the side of the bed and takes my hands to help me do the same. 

 

“As long as I get to watch?” 

 

I laugh at the reminder of last night as I skip to the bathroom next door walking backwards as I use both hands to pull Liam with me. It’s amazing to finally be with him. It’s equally amazing to actually not worry that someone else might be in the loo when I’m desperate to go. 

 

It’s not the first time Liam Jude has watched me pee and I’m absolutely sure it won’t be the last either! 

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Chapter 107

 

Megan 

 

The house is still in darkness as I risk using the spare key to unlock the front door. I can’t hear anyone as I quickly hang up my coat and go straight to the kitchen. I’m so thirsty I pour a full glass of fresh orange juice and drink it all before plugging my mobile to charge in the living room right where I was before I sneaked out. I check the clock on the mantelpiece in the light of the lamp that’s been left on all night whilst putting the spare key back behind it again. It’s only 6:40am! I still feel so tired as I creep upstairs and slide into  my cold cramped single bunk bed, sliding my hand under the pillow to feel the letters Liam hand delivered to me and my treasured bookmark. I close my eyes still thinking about him and our night together. 

 

The next thing I remember is hearing Theresa in the room moaning to herself.

 

“How does dad expect me to go see mum if I can’t even get into the bathroom!”

 

I pull my hand quickly from under the pillow as if I have just been caught stealing money. 

 

“What time is it Theresa?” 

 

She’s standing looking out the window even though the curtains are closed, both her hands leaning on the windowsill. She replies to me without so much as turning around. 

 

“I think it’s around 8am. Oh come on dad!” 

 

I sit up, my head pretty much touching Theresa’s bed above me. I stretch then turn my legs to sit upright at the side of the bed ready to get up. Theresa turns to face me having heard the bed springs creak and my body moving. 

 

“I’m next! Don’t you dare go in before me Meg! Please don’t.” 

 

Theresa isn’t one to make a drama about things or really lose her temper so her threat is more of a begging than anything else as I see her arms folded in front of her as she leans forward quite uncharacteristically. The door to the bedroom is open and I can hear the boys talking next door and Yasmin making noises to herself in her cot. For a moment I wonder why I haven’t woken in a similar state to my older sister but then I remember waking at Liam’s and using his toilet just before I left. I smile at my sister though I really do genuinely feel for her. So many times I’ve been in her position struggling with the fact that our house has only one bathroom too. 

 

“Your need is much greater than mine, don’t worry. I’ll go see to Yasmin if dad is in the bathroom. What time is visiting this morning?” 

 

Theresa is back at the window, her hands back on the windowsill as she stretches and tenses. 

 

“I think it’s around 11. I’m not sure with it being Sunday though. After I’m showered and dressed I’ll call and see. Oh Meg you couldn’t see if dad’s out yet could you? He’s taking forever this morning!” 

 

I head next door to get my baby sister noticing that the bathroom door is still closed. With Yasmin in my arms  I walk past the door to my room where my sister is now sitting at a desk with her legs tightly crossed as I let her know the bad news. 

 

“Still locked. Sorry.” 

 

She mock bangs her head on the desk in disgust and I head downstairs with the baby to start cooking breakfast. The boys must smell the bacon as shortly after I begin cooking they are both downstairs, Anthony getting himself a glass of fresh juice from the fridge and Rory sitting at the table playing with his little sister. I turn the bacon over in the pan trying to imagine life without my family, trying to picture myself back in Liam’s small flat. I love Liam so much but I also love my family too. As Anthony comes up to me smelling the bacon he looks right at me, his face level with mine thanks to his recent growth spurt. 

 

“Thank you sis. This smells delicious!” 

 

As he sits down across from Rory dad comes in with his hair still wet, a towel around his shoulders and his pyjama trousers still on. 

 

“Meg, you don’t happen to know where my grey suit is? I wore my black one to mass last night so thought the grey would be nice for a change. Oh and what colour tie would go best with stone grey? Red or navy stripes? Oh make me a sandwich would you sweetheart. That smells amazing!” 

 

It’s like mam isn’t even ill, like last week never even happened, like I spent the whole night in my own bed the same as every other night. Maybe that’s just how life is for everyone: we pretend all is well until one day we have to confess that nothing is quite like others think it is, every family has its secrets and everyone has something to confess in life. It’s just right now what I have to confess isn’t what my family need to hear. There’s more than enough going on without me telling them all I just spent the night making love to a non Catholic English man.

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Chapter 108 

 

Liam 

 

I’m awake now and can’t get back to sleep so after my coffee I run myself a bath. The morning is utterly dragging in and the flat feels so lifeless and quiet on my own. After my bath I eat some breakfast and scroll through social media. Gareth has posted a recent pic of himself with Miranda and the kids at the airport saying how much he’s looking forward to the wedding today. It feels odd to be going to a wedding on a Sunday but despite Northern Ireland still officially being part of the U.K. a number of things do still feel different here, including Sundays. I think of home and Aunt Ella and not for the first time I really miss her. It’s almost 9am so I decide to text her. 

 

“Hi, just wanted to say I hope you enjoy church today and that I miss you.” 

 

She doesn’t reply but I reason with myself that she might not have heard her phone, or maybe having a shower or something. I quite suddenly have a very uneasy feeling though and a very strong compulsion to go back to St. Mary’s chapel again. I don’t want Megan thinking I’m stalking her but for once I don’t just want to go to see her. I have this urgent need to be in church, any church, though I can’t explain why. I google the chapel because  I can’t remember what time it started when I went last week, then I go about nervously smartening myself up, brushing my hair, shaving, and even using aftershave like God himself will be impressed at me. Putting on my coat and picking up my phone I start walking towards the chapel even though I know I’ll be far too early. 

 

When I arrive the car park is eerily quiet but the gate is open, as are the huge front doors. I slip in out the cold checking, yet again, to see if Aunt Ella has texted back. I turn the ringer off out of respect and sit on the furthest back pew right at the door looking around nervously. I can’t explain why I am here, what I hope to gain, or anything else, as I stare at the huge cross with a male body hanging on it, the vast rows of pews, the old fashioned pulpit and organ up in a small mezzanine area in the corner. It’s all so dusty, old, and religious looking, yet I can’t seem to leave. I bow my head on the empty pew in front of me as I try and gather my thoughts. I’m not a praying man, to be honest I’m not even sure what I believe, yet my thoughts jump about and wander as I quietly mutter to myself. 

 

“I’m sorry I can’t help you mum. I’m sorry for destroying your stuff Lauren. I’m sorry for all the grief I caused you aunt Ella. I’m sorry for…”

 

Weirdly I find myself a bit tearful, remorseful, emotional, like something about that man staring down at me makes me feel like I need to inexplicably confess all my human failings because I can never be perfect like he is. I wipe a tear with my sleeve then rest my head on the pew again. My thoughts move on a little as I worry about my aunt, my mum, my sister I never knew I had…Megan. 

 

Alone in an old chapel on a quiet road in Bangor, Northern Island I mutter what I think is my first ever prayer in my life aged 31. 

 

“If you are real God please show me. Let me hear from Aunt Ella, make my mum better, make Megan’s mum better and somehow make it possible for me to be with Megan. Hail Mary, whatever that means, and Amen.” 

 

I stay a little longer looking around at the booths down the side with little curtains wondering what they might be used for and making a mental note to myself to google it later to satisfy my curiosity. I’m not sure I can cope with the weird smells, the dulcet music from the old organ or the staring eyes on me like last week so I slip back out the building and head down to the sea front, turning the ringer back on my phone as I walk down the road. 

 

Looking back at the large old building I have this sudden revelation: Maybe the draw of the place isn’t the rituals, the prayers, or even the old weathered floor cushions, but the fact the building is the epicentre of so much of people’s lives around here; from where they get christened to their first communion thing, to their weddings and even their funerals. 

 

I might not have done any of those milestones but it’s still playing quite a part in my own story here from finding myself there after a panic attack, to Megan peeing behind the back wall to even coming to a service last week, and now my visit today. 

 

Aunt Ella always used to say that God works in mysterious ways and finally I can understand what she meant. Maybe somehow all her years of praying for me are doing something? 

 

I stop to sit on a bench looking at the sea splashing forwards and backwards like it always does regardless of the seasons and I try calling my aunt in England again. 

 

There’s still no answer, even on her landline. 

 

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Chapter 109

 

Megan 

 

The boys dress up smart without being told and I put on a nice dress and tights set on little Yasmin. Theresa calls the hospital who are happy to let her visit Mam from 11-12 and dad let’s her take the car while we all walk to chapel. It’s hard to believe that the last time we did this short walk that not only was mam with us but Niamh and Iain were too. Last Sunday feels forever ago as I push the buggy with dad and the boys beside me. I don’t feel worthy in any way to set foot inside a holy building right now, not after what happened with mam on Wednesday, and even more so after what I did last night. I must get back to confession as soon as possible! 

 

We file into the usual row beside Aisling and Harrison and Sean and Lilly, dad right beside them followed by young Rory, me with Yasmin and Anthony at the end. There’s so much more room than last week with mam, Theresa, and the twins all missing. Mass starts and I actually find comfort in the rituals, prayers and singing. Yasmin is fairly settled with a squishy book, chewing it and playing with it in my arms, but for a change Rory is fidgety and restless, so much so that dad has to whisper to him to sit still. It’s very unlike Rory and I really hope he’s not feeling unwell. I find out what’s wrong just as we are saying the second last prayer as he tugs at my arm and whispers to me that he really needs the loo! At 9 he’s a bit too old for me to run out and into the back of the building with like I recall dad doing with me when I was young so I whisper back that mass is nearly over and I’ll take him as soon as I can. He nods and squirms around as we stand for the last hymn. 

 

As soon as mass is finished I tell Rory discreetly to come with me as I slip past Anthony and put Yasmin in her buggy which I left in the vestibule at the front. As I’m strapping the baby in I see my youngest brother holding himself and I feel so bad for him. I push the brake off the buggy with my foot and tell him to follow me down the side of the old building. Outside with no-one around I hear my brother complaining how desperate he is. 

 

“Sorry Megan. I should have went before we left home. I’ve been bursting right through mass!” 

 

I pull the door to the back area of the church open but stairs make it impossible to get the buggy in that way. My brother rushes in to get to the toilet as I hold the heavy door open for him coming back out. Standing so close to the rear of the chapel I can’t help remembering how 8 days ago I was just as desperate as my younger brother all through Anthony’s first communion but how the very door I’m leaning against to keep it open was locked and how Liam helped me by getting me behind the church just in time. Just thinking of Liam makes me smile so much as I wish I had my mobile with me to text him. As my brother returns much happier and relaxed I step away, grab the large handle of the old door and close it quietly. 

 

“You won’t tell mam will you?” 

 

“Tell mam what Rory? That you needed a wee during mass? We’ve all been there so don’t worry. Anyway you’ll probably see mam before me at this rate.”

 

I push the buggy towards the front of the chapel as people begin to slowly file out. As Rory walks behind me he innocently asks, in such a child like manner that it catches me off guard,

 

“She will be back home for my birthday won’t she? I’ll be double digits. That’s a huge deal isn’t it Meg? I will have a party like always won’t I?” 

 

“I’m sure mam will do all she can to be home for your birthday Rory. Have you thought about what you’d like?” 

 

I don’t bother trying to push the buggy back inside against the crowds coming out so I push the buggy backwards and forwards near the steps to keep Yasmin settled while Rory goes in to find the others. While I’m waiting I feel a hand on my shoulders and a familiar voice talking to me from behind. 

 

“Don’t let anything get in the way of where you know you need to be Megan. Sometimes in life we just need to get desperate enough for something. Go with your heart. We’re all human and we all make mistakes but God understands. Just remember where you are now doesn’t mean this is where you have to stay forever. Love will guide you, always.” 

 

I feel my heart jump and a lump in my throat. I turn to thank then but my foot gets caught in the wheel of the buggy and by the time I turn around they’ve gone. 

 

“Megan there you are! You ready for home?”

 

“Yes. Definitely.”

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Chapter 110

 

Liam 

 

After lunch I suddenly remember that I start work full time tomorrow so I take a walk to .Lidl and get some food to make lunches, some easy dinners and some other essentials. I’m just by the cheese fridge when I get a text. Hoping it’s aunt Ella I pull my phone out my back pocket and smile when I see it’s from Megan. I didn’t want to risk her family seeing anything so I had deliberately not text her but seeing her name and her text makes me suddenly miss her so badly. I text back right away then carry on shopping. She texts again before I reach the checkout and I stop again to reply telling her this time that I’m in Lidl and I’ll text more when I get home. 

 

I get home and put everything away and make myself a coffee. Once I’m sitting down I text Megan again and as I wait for a reply I try calling aunt Ella again. It goes to her answer machine and now I’m definitely getting worried. Other than church aunt Ella never goes anywhere on a Sunday. It’s not something I have really thought about before but I start doing some calculations in my head. I know she’s my mum’s older sister and I have a vague  recollection of my mum saying she was just 18 when I was born. That would make my mum 59 and aunt Ella in her sixties. She never married or even dated anyone and always lived alone, well until mum left her with her nephew years ago and ran off to fucking Spain! I can feel myself panicking as I imagine all sorts of horrific, even if highly unlikely, scenarios. Has someone broken in and stabbed her, has she fallen down the stairs and broken her hip and lying there alone? I text her yet again then follow that by texting Megan. 

 

“I have a problem and don’t know what to do. I have been trying to call and text my aunt all day but getting no answer. It’s so out of character and I’m getting really worried. She’s in Chester in England and I can’t just go check on her! What should I do?” 

 

While I wait for a reply I text Gareth in a panic too, completely forgetting that he’s at his cousin’s wedding all day! My phone starts beeping like crazy as first Megan then Gareth reply. Both are practical and calming with .Megan asking if there’s any other family who could pop in to check on her and Gareth suggesting I contact one of her friends from church if I have any of their numbers, or if not see if I can find any of them on Facebook perhaps. I dismiss Megan’s suggestion quickly because other than mum, who’s in hospital in Spain apparently, I don’t know any other family unfortunately. I know Jim and Sandy next door but I don’t know their phone numbers either. Aunt Ella isn’t on Facebook so I scroll through my phone to see if anyone in my contacts back in Chester might be able to help. I sigh as I come across Lauren Bennett’s number knowing full well she would not only never check on my aunt but she’d find the whole thing hilarious too. I’m just not going there! I pause again at a Derek Green trying to think where I know him from? Then I remember: The odd job man aunt Ella used to do anything she needed! I call him up and he answers brightly. I explain as calmly as I can what’s troubling me and he offers to drive to the house and check. I thank him then text Megan and Gareth to let them know the news. 

 

I need something strong to keep me going so I make myself another coffee as I wait for further updates. Finally Derek calls me back saying he’s at my aunt’s but there’s no answer and he can’t see anything through the letterbox. I tell him about the secret place she always kept a spare key and he goes looking for it while still on the phone. I can hear him unlocking the door and suddenly I feel so sick. It should be me there, not him. Aunt Ella should never be alone like I left her! This is all my fault for running away to Ireland. I hear another text message come in but I can’t reply as Derek asks me what he should do. I beg him tearfully to check the house and call for my aunt. I can visualise the full house now from the cosy living room, to the cottage style kitchen full of colourful appliances, to the patterned navy carpet on the stairs, to the two bedrooms, one of which was mine for so many years.  I hear Derek climbing the stairs and somehow I just know what’s coming. 

 

Suddenly I know why I had such an inexplicable need to go to church this morning. Derek is as terrifyingly quiet as I am and I am sure I can even hear his heart beat over the phone. 

 

“Ella, Ella? You there? It’s Derek? I let myself in because Liam was worried about you. You there?…..” 

 

Weirdly I know she isn’t. As I hear a bedroom door open I can see in my mind what has just faced Derek too. I cover my mouth with my hands and gasp just as if I am there in person. 

 

“Liam I’ll call you back ok? Is there anyone with you there? I think maybe you should have someone with you. I need to go but I’ll call you very soon ok!” 

 

He doesn’t need to say any more. I already know. I just know. 

 

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Chapter 111

 

Megan 

 

I make everyone some lunch then get ready to head to work. Theresa comes back from hospital saying there’s been little change in mam and she hardly spoke to her at all. I’m glad the boys don’t get too upset as I sort Yasmin out and hand her to my sister so I can leave. The sun is out and as I walk to the McGintley’s I decide to spend my few hours with Courtney taking her down the sea front. I really must look up some more places to go to on my phone to give us both some variety but just as I’m thinking up some ideas while I walk I decide to text Liam. He replies right away and we are chatting by text when he says he’s actually shopping and will text more later. 

 

At the McGintley’s Liz is anxious to know if I am still ok for her plans for the morning. I tell her, finally, about my mam being in hospital and my younger siblings and that I hope my older sister can watch my baby sister for a bit but she works full time in a nursing home. Liz bites her lip anxiously then asks what age my baby sister is. As I help her put a hat and shoes on Chelsea I natter away about Yasmin and how she’s only 1. Liz stops what she’s doing to look at me in shock. 

 

“Are you the oldest then?”

 

“No. There’s 5 older than me and three younger. Yasmin is the youngest though. It does feel weird though having a sister so young at my age. I’ve got used to it now though.”

 

“And I thought one was hard work! So where are you off to? You sure you don’t want to take the van?” 

 

I stand up from tying Courtney’s shoes. 

 

“Mmm. Maybe we could and then I could take you for a McFlurry afterwards if you’d like Courtney? That’ll make my brothers jealous for sure!” 

 

Courtney shakes and smiles showing  me she approves of my idea and Liz smiles finally too. Just then my mobile beeps with another message from Liam. I apologise to Liz and say I just need to reply quickly then tell her how I have a new mobile and after texting Liam back I bring up my number to give Liz. She finds her own phone and adds in my number before opening the front door and wheeling her daughter out to the van. It’s just a short dive to the sea front but it takes me a while wheeling Courtney along by the wall before I can find a way to get her chair down onto the rocks and sand. It gives me a little insight to how life must be for Courtney and her parents all the time as I get frustrated at how tricky it is just to get a disabled child to see the sea. I finally get the chair onto the sand just as I get another text from Liam. I hate not giving my job my full attention but Liam’s text shakes me.  

 

After checking with Courtney if she minds me calling my friend I call Liam while pushing the chair towards the sea. The uneven ground makes pushing Courtney quite an effort and the noise of the sea means I need to speak up so Liam can hear me. He promises to call me back later when he has more confirmation and I reluctantly hang up after reassuring him I love him several times. Somehow though right now love just doesn’t feel enough. He shouldn’t be alone right now but I can’t leave Courtney and then I need to be home for my younger siblings while dad visits mam in hospital. I’m still worrying about Liam as I gather some pebbles and throw them into the sea with Courtney as I take a short video of her giggling and laughing at the splashing for her parents. 

 

I push her along by the sea for a bit before we head back to the van and onto McDonald’s for a drive through ice cream. I park up in the car park and climb in the back with Courtney as we lick our spoons and get chocolate topping on our noses. Before I know it it’s time for my shift to finish and I drive my friend back to her house talking away to her about Liam and how wonderful he is even though I know Courtney can’t say a word back. After dropping Courtney home I send over the video to Liz by text and confirm arrangements for the morning as I walk home. Just as I turn into Woodburn Close I risk calling Liam too as I am so concerned about him. 

 

I’m still talking on my mobile as I reach home but for once I carry on talking even at the risk of my family hearing me. The only thing I don’t say in front of them is my usual way now of ending calls with Liam and that’s by telling him I love him. Instead as he says it to me I reply in code, ‘Absolutely, sounds great, see you soon.”. I’m sure Liam remembers our code for ‘not alone so have to go but I love you too’, and I smile to myself at that thought even as I still hate leaving him, especially after his shocking news. Rory is downstairs watching TV and as I walk past Yasmin playing in her jumperoo as always, I see Anthony in the kitchen with Theresa. 

 

“What you two up to then? I take it dad’s away to hospital?”

 

“Not yet. He’s just gone upstairs to get mam some clean nightwear and stuff. I was just baking some flapjack with the boys. Anthony is helping me slice it up. It’s harder than it looks!” 

 

Now seems a good a time as any to ask as I get closer to inspect the still warm baking. 

 

“Theresa are you working tomorrow morning?” 

 

“Yeah I’m on early so start at 6am but I’ve got Tuesday off. Why?”

 

“Just got a chance of a bit of overtime at work, doing a favour sort of thing and wondered if you could have Yasmin for an hour but don’t worry. I’ll sort something.” 

 

“Sorry. Hope you get it sorted though. I think dad’s going back to work too. He says we need the money and he needs routine and as long as mam has someone visiting then he’s better off at the factory.” 

 

“Yeah I thought that too. Don’t worry. I might just take her with me.”

 

Anthony looks at me aghast as he puts the slices of cake on a plate. 

 

“It’s fine Ant. You know you and Rory walk to school? Well the girl I look after can’t walk and her school is the other side of town, nearer Belfast than here. She gets picked up on a school bus but she hates it and her mum is just wanting to go with her tomorrow morning to make sure she’s ok. They used to have a supervisor on the bus but they don’t now and it’s making the girl I look after very upset and stressed. Her mum just wants me to drive their van to collect her at the school. I’m sure she won’t mind me bringing Yasmin for the ride. They have a brand new fancy van with a ramp for the wheelchair and clips to strap the chair in and stuff. I’ll just need to somehow get Yasmin’s car seat there but I’ll figure that one out.” 

 

Anthony nods, clearly reassured with my explanation as he puts the baking tray in the sink and asks casually, “what’s for dinner? I’m starving!”

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Chapter 112

 

Liam 

 

Derek calls back briefly to say aunt Ella has been taken to the Countess of Chester hospital and that he’s passed on my details. I don’t ask how my aunt is because I already know. I thank him and then we both hang up. I text Gareth an update and he sends his regards and says he’ll call me tomorrow morning as he’s at the airport with his family about to fly back to England. I text Megan loads even though I know she’s at work. She keeps me going while I wait on any more news. I keep expecting the hospital to call but I hear nothing at all from anyone. The silence is the worse. 

 

Megan texts me asking what I am eating for dinner and I don’t answer. It just all feels too much. The silence in the flat is too much. Loosing aunt Ella is too much. 

 

Next thing my phone is ringing. I jump off the seat in shock and fumble to answer it. It’s Megan again. Her dad is out and her sister has gone to visit her grandparents so she invites me round for dinner. I put my coat on in a daze and walk all the way there on autopilot. Sitting at a table with other people feels strange and noisy but it also somehow brings me comfort hearing others talking. I help wash the dishes automatically while Megan cleans the kitchen while looking after the baby. It’s nice to meet her younger brothers though I wish I was feeling brighter. I can see Megan is busy and despite the fact I love her I feel wrong being at hers with her dad and sister out and I’m on constant edge expecting either of them to come back suddenly. So with the boys upstairs and the baby still in her chair I hug Megan tight, kiss her forehead and tell her I’ll be fine even though I barely believe it myself. She’s tearful as I leave but it’s for the best, tonight at least. 

 

I arrive home to a police car outside my flat. I know instantly it’s for me so I invite them in. 

 

Sitting in my living room with two uniformed strangers I hear what I already knew: My aunt Ella was found dead in her home earlier today by a friend. I ask them a few practical questions and they tell me patiently the answers. Nothing will happen fast and my aunt’s body will be kept in the hospital mortuary until a post-mortem is arranged. That will happen automatically but then everything after that requires me to sort out. It all seems too much and as they leave I ask what in hindsight must be the silliest question they have ever heard: should I go to work tomorrow as normal? They look at each other like neither wants to answer me before finally the young female answers quietly, “That’s entirely up to you Mr Jude but nothing will happen now until after the post-mortem. I would encourage you to inform  your employer though. You have had a major shock today so do take care.” 

 

They leave and as I watch them get into their car and drive away I think back to the last car that left my flat just last night with Megan in. I hope the next person to drive away from my flat doesn’t leave me as fucking lonely as the last two have.

 

I make a hot drink, strip off to my underwear and lie awake on my bed staring at the ceiling in my room. I never have been a good sleeper and I already know tonight will be another very long night. 

 

I dose on and off for an hour here and there and wake to a text from Megan. 

 

“Can’t stop thinking of you. You are never alone. Keep in contact please. ❤️

 

I text her back as I’m eating some cheap breakfast cereal from Lidl. 

 

“I’m ok. Going to work. Do you think I should mention it to Shaun?”

 

She replies within minutes. 

 

“Yes! My brother will understand. Off to work myself for a bit but let me know where you are working today and I’ll try to see you at lunch time if you’d like?”

 

That thought spurs me on as I wash my face, use the toilet and get dressed before packing some food and water and walking to the council headquarters.

 

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