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Came out to mom, now she's running around my head rent free


Question

As far as my family goes, my mom is pretty much the only one that even acknowledges my existence. We used to talk once every two days or so. When I came out to her, I'm pretty sure I was crying half the time so I don't really remember exactly what I said very well. Pretty sure I hit her out left field saying I was considering surgery and hormones. She said she knows how I feel because she struggles with the similar feelings sometimes, and was behind me.

A couple days later, I drop by to watch her dog and we get into an argument about how I didn't seek her consent before considering  treatment (I am literally 30 years old and not living under her roof, so..) , she won't stop telling me that I'm going to regret this. She leaves angry to go visit her MAGA boyfriend, then sends me a text saying she's sorry for how she came off, we'll talk when she gets back. She gets back, lashes out at me a few more times telling me choice tidbits like nobody's going to accept you for who you are. Kink shaming me about finding my diapers when I was 14 years old.

Honestly, I know this is probably better kept private, or at least something that I should approach with a therapist, but not talking about it is quite literally driving me up the walls. I feel like I shouldn't even let it get to me because she's almost certainly doing this because of her own issues and nothing I've done. But yeah,  her treating me this way and then saying that she's angry at me for not telling her earlier makes me ill. Like it was my fault for not telling her in a situation that was obviously not only hostile, or like it was my responsibility as the child to open up and be honest.

I still feel like the most likely thing to happen is that she comes around, but honestly I thought she was going to be supportive, too, so... I guess if anyone has something to share I'd definitely appreciate it.

 

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8 answers to this question

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4 hours ago, Schmiddty said:

Honestly, I know this is probably better kept private, or at least something that I should approach with a therapist, but not talking about it is quite literally driving me up the walls.

It is good to be able to talk about stuff, and have a community of support behind you.  While it is true, this probably isn't the kind of thing that would be appropriate to talk about in all contexts, keeping things private can be harmful as well.

4 hours ago, Schmiddty said:

Kink shaming me about finding my diapers when I was 14 years old.

 

4 hours ago, Schmiddty said:

her treating me this way and then saying that she's angry at me for not telling her earlier makes me ill. Like it was my fault for not telling her in a situation that was obviously not only hostile, or like it was my responsibility as the child to open up and be honest.

It sounds like your Mom has some serious boundary issues.  She shouldn't be upset that her teenager wasn't forthcoming with her about their very private kink.  That doesn't understand that, as a teen, you have private thoughts/feelings/fantasies, and desire privacy to explore your kink, only indicates some serious issues on her part.  The simple fact that you didn't open up about this with her only shows that you have a healthier understanding of boundaries than she does.  Now, something about your post gave me the indication that you may still have some boundary issues yourself, but your Mom's seem much worse.

4 hours ago, Schmiddty said:

A couple days later, I drop by to watch her dog and we get into an argument about how I didn't seek her consent before considering  treatment (I am literally 30 years old and not living under her roof, so..) , she won't stop telling me that I'm going to regret this. She leaves angry to go visit her MAGA boyfriend, then sends me a text saying she's sorry for how she came off, we'll talk when she gets back. She gets back, lashes out at me a few more times telling me choice tidbits like nobody's going to accept you for who you are.

This is almost a textbook example of how emotional abusers work.  A) She makes it about HER: How dare you not ask HER consent before you do something.  Have you thought about how what you are doing is making HER feel?  She isn't concerned so much about  your feelings, but what HER wants and needs are.  B) She says horrible things, tries to convince you that you are wrong, storms out when angry and doesn't listen to your side.  She pushes you right to the limit of what you're willing to tolerate, but then she backs down a little bit, offers some conciliation, so that you will continue to put up with the abuse.

4 hours ago, Schmiddty said:

As far as my family goes, my mom is pretty much the only one that even acknowledges my existence.

This is also part of how emotional abusers operate.  They drive wedges between their victims and other relationships, or look for people who are already cut off from others.  They prevent you from making deep, meaningful connections with other people and make you dependent on them.  You feel grateful to your abuser for being the only one who acknowledges you, but at the same time they are working, often in ways you don't see, to keep you isolated so that you have to be dependent on them.

It is clear that your relationship with your mom is extremely toxic.  She sounds highly emotionally abusive.  With such people, there is nothing that you can do to fix their issues.  You need to take care of yourself.  Unfortunately, the only way you can do that is to get yourself out of an abusive situation.  You need to not give her these opportunities to abuse you, or try and exercise control over you.  You have to get away from her.  Before you can have a healthy relationship with her, she is going to have to acknowledge that she is emotionally abusive towards you and get professional treatment to deal with her issues.  Anything short of that will find you in the same kind of pattern of abuse again, and again.

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14 hours ago, Schmiddty said:

Thanks for the response. That's pretty much exactly what I needed to hear and I'm 100% sure I'm going to come back later and end up having to read this again  to keep myself rational.

You got this OP! You are 100% a cool person who knows exactly the kind of reasonable boundaries. And yes you are accepted as someone who wears diapers and is trans. Thats just being a human being and you are excelling at that!

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On the one hand, I don't think trying to come out to your mother was a good idea based on how you described her, but on the other hand it sounds like she doesn't respect your privacy, and you have my sympathy, coming from somebody who's had to deal with that bullshit growing up and as an adult after circumstances out of my control forced me back with my parents after I couldn't make ends meet a couple of times (coming of age during a recession in a place as expensive to live in as California, on top of having Aspergers in an economy where my only options were either service or warehouse work, both of which I can't do effectively due to my condition, sucked).

I can remember that my parents weren't particularly enthused when they found out the hard way what I'm into (not that they were in any position to kink-shame me - I found a porn DVD of theirs that features squirting, and pointed out to them that that's usually pissing, to their embarrassment when they found out I was right)...and were firmly reminded that when I have a door closed in the house that there's a good reason for it, and the nosey busybodies have mostly kept to themselves since.

I do recommend getting a therapist, but be careful.  Many of them will basically just tell you what you want to hear instead of giving you actual advice (resulting in what's basically just very expensive confirmation bias), and others...well, some of them have an agenda and will try to steer you in that direction.

Spoiler

Note that I don't necessarily agree with what you're doing personally, assuming you're talking about 'transitioning'; I don't necessarily believe in enabling mental illnesses, dysphoria is something you can't cure any more than I can cure my Aspergers, so I've just had to learn to live with myself, and injecting hormones and going under the knife isn't going to change that.  However, I still support your right to do it provided you've done your research, you're not hurting anybody else, you're not demanding that other people pay for your choices and you're taking personal responsibility for them, which is better than I can say for a lot of people in your position.

 

Edited by D0nt45k (see edit history)
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Sorry you had to go through that, hope things get better for you.

 

On 7/15/2021 at 3:39 PM, D0nt45k said:

On the one hand, I don't think trying to come out to your mother was a good idea based on how you described her, but on the other hand it sounds like she doesn't respect your privacy, and you have my sympathy, coming from somebody who's had to deal with that bullshit growing up and as an adult after circumstances out of my control forced me back with my parents after I couldn't make ends meet a couple of times (coming of age during a recession in a place as expensive to live in as California, on top of having Aspergers in an economy where my only options were either service or warehouse work, both of which I can't do effectively due to my condition, sucked).

I can remember that my parents weren't particularly enthused when they found out the hard way what I'm into (not that they were in any position to kink-shame me - I found a porn DVD of theirs that features squirting, and pointed out to them that that's usually pissing, to their embarrassment when they found out I was right)...and were firmly reminded that when I have a door closed in the house that there's a good reason for it, and the nosey busybodies have mostly kept to themselves since.

I do recommend getting a therapist, but be careful.  Many of them will basically just tell you what you want to hear instead of giving you actual advice (resulting in what's basically just very expensive confirmation bias), and others...well, some of them have an agenda and will try to steer you in that direction.

  Hide contents

Note that I don't necessarily agree with what you're doing personally, assuming you're talking about 'transitioning'; I don't necessarily believe in enabling mental illnesses, dysphoria is something you can't cure any more than I can cure my Aspergers, so I've just had to learn to live with myself, and injecting hormones and going under the knife isn't going to change that.  However, I still support your right to do it provided you've done your research, you're not hurting anybody else, you're not demanding that other people pay for your choices and you're taking personal responsibility for them, which is better than I can say for a lot of people in your position.

 

Transitioning is not enabling a mental illness, as not everyone who transitions has dysphoria, that's a common misconception.

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2 hours ago, LifeIsStrange said:

Sorry you had to go through that, hope things get better for you.

 

Transitioning is not enabling a mental illness, as not everyone who transitions has dysphoria, that's a common misconception.

Either way, I think alternative treatments should be sought out first, mainly because once the transition is started, you can't go back to the way you were if you decide it's not what you wanted in the first place.  Unfortunately medical science isn't advanced enough just yet to allow fully reversible, nonsurgical body modification on the genetic level, but maybe it'll happen within our lifetime.

When it dawns on a significant portion of these people that the change is irreversible and it wasn't what they wanted...the results can be tragic (as has been the case with a couple of people I knew).  That is my concern here, I'm trying to make sure that the OP understands the risk that they're taking here.

Edited by D0nt45k (see edit history)
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5 hours ago, LifeIsStrange said:

Ah OK then that makes sense.

Thank you for understanding.  I know some people are quick to jump to conclusions these days, it just doesn't sit well with me if people make a decision that may end up driving them to commit suicide out of despair later on because they didn't do their research and look into alternatives first.  I've lost friends because of this, I wouldn't wish it on strangers either.

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