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It was in March 2019, my junior year of high school, when I began to have feelings towards him; it may have started way earlier but that was about the time I finally realised. He was my Sociology teacher, an excellent teacher in more ways than one. The sole reason I took Sociology was that nothing else fitted into my schedule and naturally I resented it in the beginning, but he managed to kindle my interest in the subject to the extent that I planned to do a minor in Sociology in university. I had (and still have) bipolar disorder, and one day he found out that I had been hurting myself when I did it at school like an idiot. Instead of having bad opinions towards me as some people did, he spoke with me for a long time and in the end gave me a hug, something no other teachers had done to me before. Those are perhaps reasons why I ended up having a crush, or whatever you call it, on him.

I tried my best to conceal my feelings after I was aware of their existence since I know it was not right to feel that way; yet there were times I simply could not help it. I collected his photos from everywhere and stored them in my phone, I scribbled his initials all over my notebook, I wrote short stories based on my fantasies which I dared not to show anyone. No one had a clue except a few close friends. However in the end it all became too much and on Thanksgiving Day 2019, a couple of months into my senior year, I wrote him a letter whose contents you surely can guess.

I got into a bit of trouble. I was taken to my head of year for a very serious talk and was told that I had been acting inappropriately, but that was not the worst part. The worst part was that he stopped mentoring me afterwards, which meant no more talks and advice on life and all my struggles. I was heartbroken to say the least but just knew that I had to force myself to act normally and not to let my grades drop too much, especially in his subject, for I knew I could not afford to lose his appreciation even further.

Thankfully he was willing to support me academically like before through the rest of my senior year. I made it to graduation with a B in Sociology and made it to university despite my mental health issues (though later I decided to take a leave of absence and reapply since I do not like my current university that much). Before I left for university, which was August 2020, I paid a visit to my old high school and met a couple of teachers and generally had a good time, but I did not get to see him; he was at school at that time and was aware that I was there, but did not come downstairs to see me, and for some reason I did not go upstairs to see him either. I brought him some tea as a farewell gift and asked another teacher to bring it to him; later that day he sent me an email thanking me for the gift, and that was that.

I never saw him since. I went back to my old high school again in mid-May this year but again did not get to see him, and for some reason I feel I never will, though sometimes I still wonder whether I have got over this whole thing. I have never had a boyfriend in my life so far and really do wonder when I ever will, which means that he is literally the only person I have ever had such feelings on. My only love sprouted from one I am forbidden to love.

Once I was scrolling through some random forum when I came across the question that was along the lines of “state in one word why you wouldn’t confess, or shouldn’t have confessed, your feelings towards him or her”.

For me, that word was “Sir”.

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Man...that’s a tough situation to be in, having romantic feelings for an authority figure, especially in your youth.  It’s also quite difficult for the subject of said affections too, if it makes you feel any better..in fact, in some ways it might even be harder.  Suppose for a moment that this teacher’s feelings towards you were mutual...the problem is that this sort of relationship between a subordinate and a superior has all kinds of ethical pitfalls that one can fall into, due to the potential for abuse.  It’s why a lot of employers make it a matter of company policy to forbid relationships between management and their employees (at least if they’re in the same department), and in the US military it’s against regulations for such relationships to be formed between officers and enlisted personnel, for precisely that reason.  That isn’t even considering that at the time you confessed your feelings you were (I would assume) barely of legal age which may have also led to further conflicted feelings.

It probably helps me empathize further with your story since I’ll admit I developed similar, but less intense, feelings towards a history teacher I had in my sophomore and junior years (it helped that she was pretty young to be teaching high school - still in her mid-twenties at the time - incredibly witty, and very cute).  The reason I never said anything was the simple fact that she ended up getting married before I turned 18 and any sort of relationship would’ve been seen as...well, you know.

Edited by D0nt45k (see edit history)
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