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  • 1

Losing hope


Question

Just. Listen for a minute and then comment. Please.

My life hasn't exactly been easy. Grew up running drugs before being forced into underground medicine at a young age. I watched my first love die similar way to what happened to the main character in Lucy. A drug back ruptured killing her within minutes. I kept my grades high and effort on the sports field and YouTube even higher. Trying as much as I could go just keep going tomorrow will be better. I started doing travel and eventually intermittent scout leagues for baseball. Through help of "friends" I became a very good pitcher before j completely tore my Tommy John ligament. Same year I would leave the group I was with and have the skin on my back basically fillets and all nails ripped of 5 days in a hospital I was no longer an infection risk and able to go home. But to what. Start using drugs heavy to kill the pain and just like before i let her life lead the way. Id finish senior year a half semester early and the woman id engage and left everything for. Would leave me for my best friends cousin. Tho I blame myself bc I was a drug fiend. Id work on myself and get my life cleaned up. Paid college back off to try again. But, what's wrong with me. No matter how hard I try it's never good enough.

 

My love life is nonexistent. Every person i have let in since Paige has either hurt me or betrayed me. I don't want to see anyone anymore. I wanna just give up.

 

Then I started at a gas station. It was going awesome. Good crew. Female I'm attracted to wanted to make it a thing just doesn't want to mess up what we have and wait till after drug court housing is over.

 

Bet. Cool we just fwb till then. So why is it ur now dating a guy when u told u daily u couldn't wait for it to be just us no drug court. No bullshit.

 

And now I'm sitting her staring at stars. Wondering am I ugly? Do I smell. Like do I have a flaw bc again. I do what I'm told and I'm hurt. I let her lewd and guide us. And she chooses Tommy out of left field.idk his name or who it is.

 

Like life... my health is shit I'll be dead before 44 my body hurts. My brain is tired of societial bullshit I don't understand my heart is tired of being betrayed. And my back can't fit anymore knives.

Please anything other than this life at this point. Even death. I'm not suicidal. But I'm definitely at the quit my job and live on the streets without moving I'm not eating not sleeping I can't. When I hurt so bad in all ways

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Life's a bitch and then you die. Once you accept that it's basically just a survivial game with good graphics but broken co-op mechanics, then it gets a bit easier to deal with. The good people rarely end up together unfortunately. The nasty cheats like your 'ex'(ish) will hook their claws into anyone they think is easy to control and drain of resources, love, money, whatever else. As you've realised, humans be humans. They will hurt and betray you. And unfortuantely, at least in my experience, even when you find another good person who isn't just out for a free ride, they are normally more attracted to the evil leeches and will voluntarily turn down someone that actually loves them to spend their life with abuse (and then complain to you and everyone else about it ad infinitum). Try not to do it to other people, but accept that it may happen to you again and be ready for that so it isn't a shock next time.

Just focus on yourself and don't expect people to give a damn about you. As cold as that sounds, once you let go of any expectations of other people, a lot of the pain goes away or at least gets easier to brush off when it happens. And it's a nice surprise when people do turn out to be good, so you'll appreciate them even more when you find them. The mismatch in expectation versus reality is what makes it harder to deal with bad behaviour. You should only have expectations for yourself. That's hard to hear, as most of us have a very romanticised Disney view of life and think it will be candlelit dinners, walks on the beach, a loyal loving partner, marriage, honeymoon, kinky sex and growing old together.

That tends not to happen. A lot of people cheat, lie, date/marry for money and lifestyle, etc. If you meet someone that doesn't, great. But don't pin your happiness on other people. Make yourself happy instead.

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