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I Refuse To Cry.


Guest Armaril

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Guest Armaril

I won't cry in front of friends, I won't cry in front of family, and I won't cry to myself. Basically, I refuse to cry at all.

 

When I was kid, I was constantly getting in trouble. Every little mistake I made would either result in a loud lecture or spanking from my dad, and I'd always cry during both. I cried almost every day as a kid, and I hated it. Sometimes I'd try and hold back the tears during punishments, but it worked to no avail.

 

During my teen years however, I rarely ever got in trouble. I had become very cautious around my dad and rarely spoke around him anymore. During that time, I remember reflecting on my younger self and hating how much I use to cry, so I swore to myself I'd 'grow the hell up' and never cry again.

 

No matter the situation, or how stressed I was, I wouldn't allow myself to cry. I remember being so happy with myself after not crying for a full year, and vowed to keep my no-crying streak up. I bottled up my emotions everyday and I was so was proud of it, but now, I've come to regret it.

 

I still haven't cried to this day, and I don't think I'm able to anymore. Everytime I come close to crying now, I immediately try and swallow the lump in my throat, like it's some kind of reflex. Sometimes I wish I could cry, just let it all out, but I just can't. Everytime I "breakdown", I just lay there and hyperventilate, no tears, no nothing.

 

I use to have a very open, sensitive group of friends. We were all very comfortable with eachother to the point we could just cry and vent anytime we wanted to. We could openly discuss our problems and regrets without any judgement, it was nice. Though, I was seen as the cold person of the group. Everyone had seen eachother cry except me, and they'd constantly remind me about it.

 

They'd say things like, "Come on, we won't judge you!" or, "You need to open up more!", that kind of stuff. Of course, I always wanted to, but I just couldn't. They always tried to get me to show some kind of emotion. I remember one time during movie night, they picked out the saddest movie they had, and just stared at me throughout the whole movie, looking for some kind of reaction, which they never got.

 

I've vented a lot on this site. I've talked about my problems and more, but that's because I'm anonymous here. And considering this is a fetish website, I don't feel much shame speaking my mind. In the real world, I wish I could be so open with my thoughts just as I am online, but I'm afriad that day will never come.

 

If you read all of this, thank you.

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It was a coping mechanism to 'survive' your dad's negative behavior. But now it has locked you out of your own healthy emotions. If you can't manage it yourself, get some professional help. Because that 'explosion' mentioned above isn't a nice experience for yourself, it can also scare away people around you when it happens. Or it doesn't happen at all and you'll either be too void of emotions or a pressure vessel of emotions. Neither one is good in the long run.

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Guest Despboy15

It’s ok to cry or not cry, but it sounds like your bottling yo your emotions. It doesn’t matter how much you cry, bottling up your emotions is never good. Sure, some decisions are best made with a clear head, but if you don’t talk to someone about how you’re feeling, it’ll come back to bite you one way or another. 

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