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I was going to write a St. Patrick's Day desperation story but then I remembered I actually already wrote one back in March 2018 involving leprechauns so I thought I would post that one here for St. Patrick's Day since due to Covid probably nobody is seeing any good desperation this year.

Usually every year I write at least one crazy leprechaun story for St. Patrick's Day. But then I was kind of feeling in the mood to write a desperation story, so I compromised and I wrote a desperation story about a leprechaun! So here it is and I hope you enjoy! In case it's not blatantly obvious, this is a totally fictional story. Once again I named the main character after myself, which makes me feel like I am talking in the third person, but I kind of like making myself the character in the stories. I reacted basically the way I actually would in such an absurd and ridiculous situation! Can also be read in my blog https://desperatejill.livejournal.com/2018/03/17/

Potty O' Gold
It was St. Patrick's Day so everyone decided to go to the bar to get drunk. After several hours of drinking everyone's bladders were getting awfully full.
"Christ I really have to piss!" Jill said as she squirmed in her seat. "I think I had better get in line for the bathroom."
Jill slinked off to go use the ladies room but unfortunately the line was at least 20 women long and there was only a single stall.
"Dammit it figures!" Jill said as she crossed her legs. Why did she have to drink so damn much, she thought to herself as she struggled to take her mind off of her exploding bladder.
The line moved at an absolutely glacial pace. "Why don't they have more bathrooms in a place when everybody is filling their bladders up with liquid constantly?" Jill moaned aloud.
Jill looked at the line next to her for the men's room and found that while there was a line the line was moving rather quickly. The men were peeing loudly into the toilet and it was driving her completely frantic. Every minute was a loud hissing into the toilet followed by a loud thunderous flush. For every five men who used the men's room for the ladies room line would move up may be a single woman at most.
"This is going to take forever!" Jill said as she twisted her legs into a pretzel.
Soon she saw the three guys that she was at the bar with use the men's room and after finishing up using the men's room they looked at the line that Jill was waiting on.
"Wow your line is definitely moving slow," said James.
"Yeah, you are going to be waiting forever on that thing," said Jack.
"Why don't we just find somewhere else for you to go," Bill said.
"No!" Jill said as she bobbed up and down jogging in place. "You always say that we will find some other place for me to go to the bathroom and I always end up waiting a really long time."
"Okay we are going to go get more to drink," said Jack as the other two left with him. It was easy to get more to drink when you didn't have to wait in line for a half hour or more every time you had to pee.
After another 20 minutes passed the line had only moved up about seven or eight women when someone suddenly put up a sign on the door that said out of order.
"You have to be fucking kidding me!" Jill said as she bit her lip and continued dancing in place in front of the bathroom.
Jill went back over to her three friends who were at the table drinking away.
"Finally got to use the bathroom?" Bill asked.
"No, the damn thing was out of order!" Jill said. "Let's just get out of here, I have to find a bathroom really soon."
The four of them decided to leave the bar after the guys all quickly used the bathroom again first. Unfortunately as they walked down the street they saw that every place was packed or had a sign that said bathrooms are for customers only.
"Let's just cut home through the woods," James said as he pointed to the ominous looking woods in front of them.
"Guys I really have to go to the bathroom," Jill said as she stood there with her legs crossed. "I am seriously not joking here."
"It is the fastest way home," Bill said. "It shouldn't take us more than a half hour."
"A half hour!" Jill said with a grimace as she put her hands on her knees and bent a little. "But I really have to pee right now!"
"Like I said it's the fastest way home, so the sooner we get going through the woods the sooner we will be home and the sooner you can go to the bathroom," said Bill.
"Fine!" Jill shouted as she jogged in place. "But good God lets hurry up!"
As the four of them slowly began walking through the woods Jill stopped every few paces to catch her breath. She had to pee so badly that it was almost impossible to concentrate on anything else. And to make things worse all of the guys seemed to be extremely drunk and started blathering on about the most asinine of things.
"Has anybody heard the legend of these woods?" James asked.
"You mean about the leprechaun?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, I remember hearing something about that," Bill said. "Isn't this those woods where the leprechauns live and they keep their pot of gold?"
"Look guys there is only one golden thing that I want to find right now and that is some place to release my golden stream!" Jill shouted.
"Hold your horses Jill," Jack said.
"I am holding something but it is certainly not horses!" Jill said as she tightly crossed her legs and grabbed herself.
"I think we should look for the leprechaun," said Bill. "I could certainly use a lot of leprechaun gold to pay off my gambling debts."
"I wouldn't mind some leprechaun gold," said Jack.
"Neither would I!" James shouted. "So we are all in agreement, we will look for the leprechaun."
"No!" Jill shouted. "This always happens, you always say that you will find me a bathroom and then you always end up getting me involved in some type of asinine situation, although this one has to take the cake. There are no such thing as leprechauns!"
"Okay let's be democratic about this and vote on it," said James. "All in favor of looking for the leprechaun and his pot of gold?"
All three of the guys raised their hands.
"All in favor of running straight home so that Jill can use the God dammed bathroom!" Jill said as she put her arm up really high in the sky, while keeping her other hand firmly between her legs.
"Well 3 to 1, sorry Jill," Jack said. "Now let's find some leprechauns!"
"No!" Jill shouted. "This is a real potty emergency here. I am not going to wait around with my bladder ready to explode while you look for some nonexistent leprechauns. You are just completely drunk and aren't thinking clearly."
"Well if you really want to be a buzz kill you can always go home yourself," James said.
"I don't want to get lost in the woods," Jill said.
"Okay fine, we will just look for the leprechaun for a half hour and if we don't find him we will go straight home," Jack said. "I think that's fair."
"In a half hour my bladder is going to explode!" Jill shouted at the three of them who already were skipping off looking all over for leprechauns, so Jill just stood there holding herself and trying as best as she could not to think about it.
"Maybe the leprechaun is over here by this babbling brook," Bill said as they all turned and looked at the stream gushing loudly in front of them.
"OOOOOhhhhhhhhhhh," Jill moaned as she danced in place. "Please guys I really have to use the bathroom!"
"Then just go on a tree or something," Jack said.
"You know that I can't do that without peeing all over myself," Jill said.
"You could always just strip naked and then stand there and pee," Bill said with a laugh.
"So you guys can all sit there drunkenly watching me, I don't think so," Jill said as she folded her arms and continued jumping in place. "Please guys, you are just drunk. Once you sober up you will realize that there are no such thing as leprechauns."
"Well I am not giving up my chance at a fortune just because of your bladder Jill," James said. "We will keep looking for the leprechaun."
Jill pounded her fists against a tree and continue to limp along as the guys went around looking for leprechauns. Every so often she would check her watch.
"Okay guys it has been a half hour, you promised you would take me home after that," Jill said as beads of sweat dripped down her forehead.
"Okay I suppose that's only fair," said James.
"Hey guys over here," Jack said as all of them gathered around to look at a footprint in the mud.
"What is it?" Bill asked.
"It looks like the footprint of a boot," Jill said as she swayed back and forth.
"Exactly!" Jack shouted. "We all know that leprechauns always wear boots. These are leprechaun tracks!"
"Oh my God, enough with the freaking leprechauns already!" Jill said. "I just want to go to the God dammed bathroom. You promised if you didn't find a leprechaun within a half hour that you would take me home."
"Yeah but circumstances have changed," said James. "Now we have direct proof that the leprechaun was right here."
"No you don't!" Jill shouted. "That could be anyone's boot print. Plenty of people wear boots in the woods, that doesn't prove a leprechaun did it."
"On the other hand it doesn't prove that it wasn't a leprechaun," Jack said as the other two nodded in agreement with him. "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. And in this case we have direct evidence that the leprechaun was right here."
"God dammit this is just drunk talk!" Jill shouted as she bent at the knees and grabbed herself.
"I promise Jill that after we follow these tracks if we don't find the leprechaun we will bring you right home," James said. "Scouts honor."
"You're not a Boy Scout!" Jill shouted.
"It's just a phrase," James said. "Now onward to the leprechaun!"
"First I think I have to go to the damn bathroom," Jack said.
Bill and James nodded in agreement and the three of them went and peed on the tree.
"Oh for Christ's sake!" Jill said as she moaned in agony.
"You can always join us," Bill said.
"Thanks, I think I'll pass," Jill said, although it was awfully tempting.
Having no choice, Jill followed the three guys as they followed the leprechaun tracks through the forest until it led them to a cave.
"You're not actually going to go into that dark cave are you?" Jill asked.
"We didn't come this far not to look in the cave," James said. "For all we know the leprechaun is in there."
"Or you know it could be nothing, or bats, or a serial killer's secret hideout, or some type of cave that is full of pornography," Jill said practically keeling over from the pain in her bladder.
"Cool a serial killer," said Jack.
"Wow an entire cave full of pornography," said Bill. "Now we have to check it out!"
Jill didn't like it, but not wanting to get lost in the woods on her own, she followed her three idiot companions into the cave hoping that once they saw that there was no leprechaun inside that they would finally give up and go home so that she could use the damn bathroom.
They walked a few paces until suddenly they found themselves in an area that was lit up by light from a hole in the top of the cave with a rainbow shining down onto a pot of gold.
"Oh my God it's a real-life pot of gold!" James shouted. "Told you so Jill."
Jill was astonished as she saw that clearly there was a pot of gold sitting right in front of them. "Still doesn't prove that there is a leprechaun in here," Jill said.
"Jill, seriously, now you're just being nitpicky," said Jack. "If a leprechaun didn't put it there who did?"
"I don't know, human beings," Jill said.
"Well at any rate, finders keepers," James said as the four of them approached the pot of gold.
"Aye lads and lasses," said a little man no more than half of their size wearing a little green suit with a little green hat who came and poked Jill right in the bladder with a shillelagh.
"Jesus Christ don't do that!" Jill shouted.
"What do you think you are doing trying to steal my pot of gold?" the little man said.
"Who are you?" Jill asked.
"I am the leprechaun," the little man said. "And this is my cave of treasures."
"Told you so!" James said.
"Okay fine I give up, there is a leprechaun!" Jill shouted. "But the question I want to know is that is there a bathroom around here?"
"I always just go in the woods," the leprechaun said.
"Not an option," Jill said as she continued to dance in place.
"See what we have to deal with," Bill said as he elbowed the leprechaun.
"Well at any rate this is my pot of gold and you can't have it," the leprechaun said.
"Finders keepers," James said.
"So that gives you a right to steal from me?" the leprechaun said. "The rules are that you can only have my gold if you capture me and you didn't capture me."
As the three guys argued with the leprechaun Jill couldn't take it anymore.
"Oh fuck this I can't wait anymore!" Jill said as she grabbed the pot of gold, dumped it out on top of the leprechaun, pulled down her pants and started using the pot like a chamber pot and filling it up. Finally she stood up and pulled up her pants and smiled. "That is so much better. Now as to the matter of you being captured, I think that being pinned under all of that gold means that we have effectively captured you as you are not going anywhere. So I think that that means that we are entitled to take the gold for ourselves."
The four of them began gathering up the gold and putting it into their pockets, purses and anywhere else that they could fit the gold. The leprechaun tried getting up to stop them but Jill just picked up the pot and dumped her pee on top of the leprechaun soaking him from head to toe.
The four of them then walked off with their clothes stuffed to the brim with as much gold as they could carry.
"I'm willing to admit that I was wrong about the leprechaun," Jill said. "And in the end I guess it all turned out pretty well for all of us. But seriously next time we are going to the bathroom first and then we can look for leprechauns afterwards. I think that that's only fair, isn't it?"
"I guess that's fair," said James. "If it weren't for you we wouldn't have gotten the gold anyway."
"Hey when you gotta go it's a strong motivator," said Jill as the four of them had a good laugh as they walked home with pockets full of gold.
The leprechaun meanwhile had to satisfy himself with what Jill had left him with.
The leprechaun shrugged as he rang out his clothing. "Well, I always did want a golden shower!"

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