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Help me please


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I know this will probably be judged, but it's okay I'm used to that. 

I'm deeply ashamed of my kink. I have prayed to a God I don't even believe in to free me from it. I've been single all my life because I dont have the courage to face it and I have a deeply ingrained fear of rejection. It stems from childhood. There were many things that happened while I was growing up that messed with my head. When I was eight, I was molested by a friend of my best friend's dad. I never said anything or went to the police because he was a cop. I was afraid, and still am to this day. The man passed away from suicide when I was seventeen, and his family was innocent, so I didn't want them to lose their pension, plus the massive scrutiny I'd be under for accusing a small town good ol boy cop of such a heinous crime. I'd be a pariah. 

On top of that, when I was growing up my brother was a bedwetter, and I used to sneak into his pullups and wear them around the house. When my mom found out, she shamed me and humiliated me in front of my father, who seemed to disagree with her methods, but never did anything to stop it. Then, when I would wet my pants, it was horrible. She stripped me naked, and forced one of my brother's pullups on me, and locked me in my room for hours. So much for such a little kid. 

As an adult, I'm pretty damaged. The only thing that would EVER help me face it and come to terms would be to find a compassionate, patient and lovingly understanding woman who is into the same things I am. I promise this is not some sob story to get laid, sex would NOT be an option for long time. I have to build trust with her, know she would never shame me or reveal my secret to anyone, and is okay with me taking  it glacially slow. I need this. Honestly, even if she's just a friend, that would be okay. But it would have to be in person. I've tried connecting online, but it wasn't enough.

If I dont face it, and I get confronted before I'm ready, it could be dangerous. To the world, to me, and possibly to the survival of our species (not really lol. I'd most likely shut down, flip out and end up in a mental hospital longer than I was in before).

Yeah what a catch right? This is probably a turn off for a lot of women. But even if it didn't work out, dating someone like me even for a short time would be enough for me to come to terms and accept myself and live my life. 

Please DM me if you're a woman from washington state in the US. I need a friend at least. 

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Hi Markthekingof2

Although I'm not female. I hope you find what you are looking for. It sounds as though you have had some really tough times in your life and it'd be nice to hear of something going right for you soon. 🙂

I hope you are doing alright with overcoming the issues yourself. Do you have a good couple of hobbies to fill your time with?

I'm happy to chat if you ever feel like it as it's never nice to be in a dark place on your own.

 

Good luck with your search for a suitable partner. 🙂 

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7 minutes ago, JMatthews1995 said:

Hi Markthekingof2

Although I'm not female. I hope you find what you are looking for. It sounds as though you have had some really tough times in your life and it'd be nice to hear of something going right for you soon. 🙂

I hope you are doing alright with overcoming the issues yourself. Do you have a good couple of hobbies to fill your time with?

I'm happy to chat if you ever feel like it as it's never nice to be in a dark place on your own.

 

Good luck with your search for a suitable partner. 🙂 

Thank you so much. I do have some hobbies, I play write and record music and exercise daily. I just feel really alone and somewhat like a freak no matter where I am or what I'm doing, even though I know there isn't anything wrong about this. 

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1 minute ago, Markthekingof2 said:

Thank you so much. I do have some hobbies, I play write and record music and exercise daily. I just feel really alone and somewhat like a freak no matter where I am or what I'm doing, even though I know there isn't anything wrong about this. 

Good to hear. Yeah I know what you mean. I don't think people would be able to tell you're into this at all really. It's not something that's obvious. So normal day to day life should be possible to achieve without any mention of the fetish at all.

At the end of the day, fetish's have been around for hundreds (if not thousands) of years. There have always been kinks and people into different stuff. No one will find out you're into it, so try your best not to worry about it. 🙂 

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I think you have problems separate from this that haven't been dealt with and to be free they need some attention. Have you ever gotten professional help for being sexually abused, and the years after where you felt that you had to keep the secret to prevent bad things from happening to others, and for what your mom did to you? I'm sure I'm telling you nothing you don't know already, but that will REALLY screw you up and the way it manifests is not always in the most obvious ways.

There's a site called 1in6.org about male sexual abuse (and it's also got links to some good resources.) We always knew the stats were understated because men are much more likely to conceal it because that kind of thing "doesn't happen to" us, the need to be strong and dominating above all else that makes life suck for women but harms us more than we realize, but it turns out that what happened to you - and to me around high school age - is not just more common than you think, but ASTRONOMICALLY more common.

Anyway, I hope you're getting counseling of some kind, from someone who knows how to deal with child abuse and sexual abuse (and speaking of abuse, what your mom did to you definitely was. If she was otherwise good and mishandled that one thing I can see not wanting to call it that, to make her the villain, but what matters is that it damaged you and as such it must be dealt with.) Gotta deal with the root of the problem first, you know?

At any rate, I'm sure we all wish you with all of it.

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5 hours ago, trekkie said:

I think you have problems separate from this that haven't been dealt with and to be free they need some attention. Have you ever gotten professional help for being sexually abused, and the years after where you felt that you had to keep the secret to prevent bad things from happening to others, and for what your mom did to you? I'm sure I'm telling you nothing you don't know already, but that will REALLY screw you up and the way it manifests is not always in the most obvious ways.

There's a site called 1in6.org about male sexual abuse (and it's also got links to some good resources.) We always knew the stats were understated because men are much more likely to conceal it because that kind of thing "doesn't happen to" us, the need to be strong and dominating above all else that makes life suck for women but harms us more than we realize, but it turns out that what happened to you - and to me around high school age - is not just more common than you think, but ASTRONOMICALLY more common.

Anyway, I hope you're getting counseling of some kind, from someone who knows how to deal with child abuse and sexual abuse (and speaking of abuse, what your mom did to you definitely was. If she was otherwise good and mishandled that one thing I can see not wanting to call it that, to make her the villain, but what matters is that it damaged you and as such it must be dealt with.) Gotta deal with the root of the problem first, you know?

At any rate, I'm sure we all wish you with all of it.

I am getting help and I've been diagnosed with several different psychological disorders. I've never talked about the shame I feel about my kink to my therapist, but I'm getting closer. I simply refer to it as "my secret." As far as the sexual abuse, I have gotten to the point of speaking to my therapist and I'm still struggling with it a bit, but A few years back I got caught up in a delusion that my memories were false and implanted in me by a high order of extraterrestrials spying on humanity. I ended up the hospital after I tried to burn the probes out of my arm. Seemed like an elaborate denial to me, but I'm no expert. At any rate, I'm better than I was then. I mostly thought that was an isolated event, but when I was taken off the antipsychotics earlier last year, I started decompensating and had some delusional episodes, but nothing like before. I'm opting to go back on the antipsychotics now.

I think the reason I haven't dealt with my mother's abuse is because she was great aside from that, and it's hard to say "she abused me" out loud. She was really supportive during my mental health crises (had several hospitalizations) and has always been caring aside from the one thing.

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