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Very Off-Topic But I Just Need To Vent


Guest Armaril

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Guest Armaril

Lately, I just feel so out of it. I use this website regularly when I'm not doing work. It's been really fun here but I just need to get this stuff off my chest. I don't really have any friends to vent to, but hey, I can talk to you guys. I'm gonna divide my problems into different sections because this is gonna be long. Honestly, I don't think anyone is going to read all of this, but I mean, writing all of this will make me feel a bit better.

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Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria

This may not be my biggest problem ever, but my god is it messing with me. I've had CIU since I was a kid. If you don't know what CIU is, it's reacurring hives with no cause. Sometimes, at the most random times of the day, I'd get bumps all over my arms, legs, etc. The small bumps itched, and the big bumps hurt. I use to have huge bumps that wouldn't go away for days and I'd just be in constant pain. My mom use to take me to get blood tests to see what the heck was wrong with me but they never found anything. Of course, it's not as bad as it use to. I take good medication now. When I was kid, I'd wake up with a part of my body swollen. I've woken up with a swollen lip and hand, it's even happened on my eye (I will never forget how painful that day was.) Now, it's usually just small bumps on my arms and legs. Though, it's been interfeering with my work lately. I get them more at the day than night now, and it's freaking annoying. I'll be trying to get my work done but I can't stop scratching my damn arm/leg. Again, it's not the biggest of my problems, but lately, it's been taking a toll on me and my work.

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Tics

Ugh, tics. I'm not absolutely positively sure I have tourette syndrome because I haven't mentioned this to my doctor yet. There was a time in my childhood where I started to develop this weird 'twitch,' at least that's what my parents use to call. I would regularly feel the urge to 'twitch.' My parents use to yell at me for it, telling me to just stop, and I could, but the urge was always there and pretty hard to ignore. After a year of this, it just stopped, and I was happy. Of course I'd feel the urge here in there but it wasn't as strong as before, I could just ignore it and go on with my day. Unfortunately, it came back, damn. It came back as a new tic, throat clearing. God did I hate this tic. This tic was something I felt really ashamed of, mostly because of my parents. My parents would constantly tell me to "stop with that little cough, it's annoying," and it made me feel bad because this tic was so loud, and I felt ashamed I couldn't control it. This tic lasted a long time, and just as the last tic, it stopped one day, and I was happy again. But OF COURSE, it came back. And guess the fuck what, the twitch was back. Damn.

I have it now to this day and it's been getting worse. People give me weird looks when I twitch and it's embarrasing. I'm gonna mention this to my doctor because I seriously don't want to deal with this shit anymore.

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Body-Focused Repetitive Behavior

Pain, pain, pain, and pain. I use to bite my lip a lot when I little kid. It wasn't that bad, it was just little nibbles. These little nibbles gradually got more extreme as I grew older. Now, I'm fucking biting the skin off my lips. The worst part, I don't even know when I'm doing it half of the time. I am constantly, and I mean constantly, biting my the skin off lips 24/7, every day. I only realize I'm biting my lips when the damage is already done. My lips look horrendous. Cuts, bruises, etc. I can't even smile or open my mouth wide anymore, unless I wanna stretch out 20 cuts. I remember one time I was doing weird faces in the mirror. I did that thing where you grab the sides of your mouth and stretch it out, sticking your tounge out. Guess what happened when I did that. All of my cuts opened and my lips looked like a bloody mess. I've tried to use chapstick before but 5 minutes later it's gone. I lick it off without knowing, just like the lip biting. Now, we wear masks in public. I can cover my busted lips now! Though, it's still very, very painful.

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Low-Self Esteem

My self-esteem is lower than low. Ever since I was a kid, whenever I looked in the mirror I would ask myself, "Why the hell do I look so ugly?" I'm not like the those people who are obviously good looking but call themselves ugly for the compliments. I mean, I am fucking ugly. My body is not the problem, I'm just really self-conscious about my face. My face doesn't match my gender. I wrote my pronounes as they/them, but that's really because I don't care what gender I'm seen as. You can imagine me as a girl, or a guy. It's up to the people who see my content. I won't be posting videos or photos anyway. But again, my face does not match my gender. If I ever changed my hair to the gender my face matches, people would think I was the oppisite gender. My body on the other hand, It's decent. I dare say I 'like' my body. I'm not comfortable wearing a bathing suit but I like my body enough to look in the mirror and say, "Wow, you look good." But I can't show my face on camera. I hate taking pictures of myself. The only picture I have of myself on my phone is an old picture from when I was a kid. Whenever I see myself on camera, I look worse than I look in the mirror. My self-esteem isn't as bad as it used to. Though I may not have any friends, I'm doing pretty good on my own. Of course, there are many other causes of my low-self esteem, but I don't feel like typing anymore. This vent is long enough as it is.

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If you made it this far and actually read all of that venting shit, props to you. You wasted your time reading my problems. But I appreciate you listening and hope you have a happy, healthy llife.

Edited by Armaril (see edit history)
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Hey no time wasted for my part. Having a lot on your mind and feeling that you have no one to turn to is difficult. We all need to vent sometimes! While I won't pretend to have any real solutions or answers, I will say that I read it all and I'm willing to listen, for what it's worth. Also, just know that I wish you all the best and that the community is here to listen!

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Honestly sounds like hell but ive been there with some of those. Im right with ya on the low self esteem thing, i used to hate my face and my body, ive come to deal with my face but my body bugs the shit out of me. Also curious about the CIU because i get these hive like things too more during the night. Never have found a cause, i just get these swelled up itchy rash things that look like hives that pop up randomly. Some days worse than others, might have to talk to my dr about that.

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