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A Bojack Horseman Fic: Diane presents Potty2Go!


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Quick story I thought up, apologies for any grammar/spelling mistakes.  Messing warning if that's not your cup of tea.

 

Diane awoke with a start.  As she moved to grab her glasses from the bedside table, she wondered what had interrupted her sleep.  She pondered this until a waft of a hot, rotten smell crept up from under the covers and met her nostrils, causing her to gag softly.  To her right, her husband Mr. Peanutbutter stirred at the noise before settling down again.  Shamefully, Diane realized what she had done – she had farted herself awake.

A sudden pressure in her gut confirmed it.  Diane sighed.  She was extraordinarily poop shy, a habit stemming from her quasi-abusive household.  Each time she would drop a deuce in the one shared bathroom she had with her siblings, they would tease her endlessly.  As a result, she had learned to pause her bathroom needs until she could discover a suitably secluded bathroom.  Diane could live with the frequent abdominal pain and litany of excuses this habit forced her to make.  However, her body wasn’t under perfect control, and an all-too-frequent side effect was that she would occasionally pass gas in her sleep.

The sulfuric smell coming from the covers was all the confirmation she needed, but another gurgle emanated from deep inside her belly.  She got up and scurried over to the bathroom adjoining the private bedroom.  Paranoid that Mr. Peanutbutter might listen to her “performance”, she closed the door, turned on the sink, and gently plunked down onto the cold porcelain seat.  Clenching her fists and wincing, Diane bore down with as much pressure as her body could muster.

She was rewarded with a noisy fart that echoed off the bowl.  Diane turned bright red and held her body completely still.  When she heard no evidence of Mr. Peanutbutter stirring, she resumed her task with slightly more restraint.

“Hmmmmph,” she breathed through clenched teeth, attempting to move the mass unsettling her stomach.  However, as opposed to a rewarding solid, more gas escaped her anus.  Diane sniffed and winced with disgust and shame as the stench of her digested food assaulted her nostrils.  Pushing again, she felt the tip of a log poke its way out of her enlarging hole.  She strained, groaning quietly.  “Move!” she thought, and felt rewarded as the turd tip slithered further out.

“Hey Diane, are you okay in there?”  Diane gasped as she heard her husband’s voice at the door.  Involuntarily, she felt her anus tighten up and the log retreat back inside of her with a slimy trail.  She had been so close to going undiscovered!

“Yes, Mr. Peanutbutter!  It’s just…um…” Diane stalled, quickly pulling her granny panties and pajama bottoms back on to her person.  She looked around for anything that might save her.

“Um!  The ancient Sumerian spirit Um has taken up residence in our bathroom?” Mr. Peanutbutter called back incredulously.  “Don’t worry Diane, I’m coming in to save you!”

Diane, who had been frantically racking her brain for any ways to convince her husband that a deity had not intruded on their bathroom, looked at the door with horror.  Despite her other preparation, she had failed to lock the door!  Turning bright red, she raced toward the door while screaming “No, don’t!”

WHAM.  The door burst open with an agitated Mr. Peanutbutter behind it.  As he entered the bathroom, his face turned from outrage to disgust.  “Ugh, Diane!  What is that horrible smell?”  He wrinkled his nose and pulled his V-neck pajama shirt over his face.  “That is just truly disgusting!”

“What smell?” Diane asked innocently, trying to keep her face from becoming even redder.  Mr. Peanutbutter’s acute sense of smell made it nearly impossible to deny.  To be fair, only the most oblivious humans could ignore the warm, meaty stench that hung in the bathroom air.

“Diane, it’s disgusting in here.  Wait, you came in here in the middle of the night, turned on the sink, and the room now smells like last night’s tacos.  There can only be one explanation…”

Diane looked down at her feet, ashamed.  “Okay, Mr. Peanutbutter.  I’m sorry, I have to come clean…”

“No Diane, don’t worry, I completely understand.  It’s okay!”, he replied.  Diane breathed a sigh of relief.  “I totally get it now,” he continued, “a skunk must have snuck into our house, ate our dinner, turned on our sink, blasted gas in here, and then run out!”

“Um…” Diane tried to interrupt, but Mr. Peanutbutter was on a roll.

“No Diane, I know you came in here to do battle with a vengeful Near Eastern spirit, but you clearly misdiagnosed this.  I’m certain we must have had a skunk in here.  Nothing human could have ever created a smell like this!” Mr. Peanutbutter concluded with a winning smile.  “Don’t worry Diane, just come back to bed and we’ll hunt that skunk tomorrow morning.”

“Oh…ok…” Diane stammered.  For the time being, her need to relieve her bowels had disappeared.  She figured she’d be able to sneak into a bathroom tomorrow while her husband was distracted by whatever new harebrained scheme he and Todd had thought up.  Rubbing her stomach, she followed Mr. Peanutbutter out of the room.

The next morning, Diane woke up with what felt like a mass of clay sitting in her stomach.  She didn’t feel like she had to “go” yet, but the urge was definitely making itself known.  Mr. Peanutbutter was nowhere to be seen – usually he got up early in the morning to chase mail and hang out with Todd.  Diane rolled groggily out of bed and put on her customer jacket and jeans.  She trudged off to the bathroom, hoping to move her bowels before her husband got back.  But as she opened the door the bathroom, she was greeted with a shocking sight.  The toilet had been removed!

“Mr. Peanutbutter!” she called out.  He and Todd came running into the room, followed by Todd’s friend Emily who shuffled in moments later.  “Why is our toilet gone?”

Mr. Peanutbutter laughed.  “Diane, Diane, Diane.  We’re trying to kill two birds at once!”  “Um, racist?” Emily intoned.  “Sorry, we’re trying to help two birds at once!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Diane replied.  Suddenly, she was struck with a cramp and doubled over, pressing on her stomach.  “But I really need to use the bathroom, so can you hurry up and put it back?”

Todd shook his head.  “No, Diane.  Mr. Peanutbutter told me about your skunk problem, and it was obvious what we had to do.  See, skunks love escaping through toilets.  That’s their second favorite spot after pizza parlors!”

Diane groaned while doing a potty dance.  “What’s the other reason?”

Todd grinned.  “We’re working on a new invention!  It’s called: Potty2Go.  Mr. Peanutbutter, if you will?”

At his cue, Mr. Peanutbutter dragged out an easel with a piece of paper that just had “Potty2Go” written on it.  “Has this ever happened to you?” he began.

Diane felt a small fart threatening to escape her rear end with something more solid on the way.  “Can you skip all the theatrics and just get to the point?”

“Okay,” Todd said, “last week, Emily and I were at our favorite dance club, the mall.  Suddenly, she said she had to use the bathroom.”  Emily started to blush, her face turning the color of her red hair.  “But all the bathrooms were closed!” Todd continued.  “She held on as long as she could, but after our three mega-lemonades and two hours of doing the twist, she peed all over the floor!”

“I had a little accident,” Emily said while staring at the floor.

“Oh, no, this was a huge accident,” Todd chimed in.  “There was a major puddle everywhere.  It got all over our shoes and we had to buy new jeans and underwear for Emily.”

“Nobody really noticed,” Emily mumbled.

“Oh no, it was a huge deal,” Todd replied again.  “She was wiggling and groaning and holding herself.  And everyone saw as she peed her jeans completely.  I mean, there must have been 50 people there watching as she lost it!  Everyone saw, trust me.” Todd finished.

Mr. Peanutbutter took up the thread, “so anyway, we’re trying to invent a way that you can avoid humiliating yourself just like Emily did!  That’s why we came up with Potty2Go.”

Diane winced as she felt her log knocking insistently at her backdoor.  “Okay, so why are all our toilets gone?”

Todd looked thoughtful.  “Well, we haven’t actually invented anything yet.  So we decided to take out all the toilets in your house to help motivate us to come up with something!”

Emily whined, “Todd I really can’t hold it that much longer.  Can we please come up with an idea before I repeat last week’s incident?”

Diane let out a silent wet fart.  By now, she was sure her white panties had been smeared with residue from her opening asshole.  But without a toilet, there wasn’t anything she could do.  She had to find somewhere to go!

“Todd, do you know where I can find a toilet?” she asked through gritted teeth.

“Hmm, well Princess Carolyn isn’t home and her place is pretty close by.  Plus I live on her couch rent-free, so mi toileta es su toileta!”  Todd held out his hand with a key in it.

“Perfect,” Diane shot back through gritted teeth.  “Good luck, Emily.”  She waddled to the kitchen to grab her car keys.

“Thanks!” Emily yelled back, but Diane had already scrambled through the front door.

Diane raced inside Princess Carolyn’s apartment, barely stopping to shut the door behind her.  “Ugggh” she groaned and held her stomach.  She had barely been able to keep it in the car ride over, with her shit threatening to slip out into her slightly dirtied panties.  Once or twice, she even felt herself prairie dogging.  Frantically, she looked around the dark room.  She had been over the apartment once or twice, but had never wanted to use someone else’s toilet.  Now, she barely cared that she was about to unleash a nightmare on Princess Carolyn’s poor commode.

However, there seemed to be no toilet in sight.  Diane groaned.  She was at her limit!  All of a sudden, she spied a sandbox in the corner up against the wall.  “Of course!” she thought.  “Princess Carolyn is a cat, and cats go in litterboxes.”  Not stopping to think, she raced over the sandbox and pulled down her pants and panties.  She barely stopped to register disgust and the dark brown streak marring her unfashionable underwear.  She hunched over the sandbox awkwardly – there was enough room for her to put her ass hovering over the sand, but her legs were right toward the front.  “I guess this will have to do,” Diane thought, and after looking around to make sure she was alone, she released the floodgates.

Her hole yawned as the turd stirred inside of her.  Like last night, the tip poked out and Diane registered another noxious contribution to the atmosphere of farts surrounding her.  “Grrrr” Diane pushed, and the log emerged more rapidly.  The tail grew more quickly until it reached just shy of a foot and coiled neatly into the sand.

“Huh, that wasn’t so hard,” Diane thought to herself.  All of a sudden, liquid shit came spilling out of her asshole, depositing onto the soiled sand with a cacophony of noise.  “Ahhh!” Diane screamed before covering her mouth.  Diarrhea continued to spray out of her overtaxed rear end.  Diane peeked behind her.  While most of her excretion hand landed in the litterbox, she saw with horror that Princess Carolyn’s wall had little flecks of her shit on it.

“Oh no,” Diane thought, before she felt a different pressure grow within her.  Her eyes widened as she realized that she hadn’t relieved her bladder since yesterday.  In vain she tried to stop it, but within the second hot yellow urine gushed sprayed out of her.  Owing to the size of the sandbox, her pee sprayed in a continuous arc onto Princess Carolyn’s carpet, staining the blue an even darker shade.

“No, no, stop!” Diane tried clenching, but her bladder refused to comply.  She watched with horror as more liquid streamed out of her genitalia, creating a shameful smelly puddle on the floor as her semi-liquid turds continued to gush forth.  “This couldn’t get any worse,” she thought to herself.

All of a sudden, she heard footsteps and saw the light switch flicker on.  Princess Carolyn was standing at the foot of the stairs in a robe.  “Who’s there?”

“Oh no!  Princess Carolyn!” Diane shrieked.  In vain she tried to pull her pants and underwear over her exposed bottom.  “Don’t look!”  She felt a warmth run down her backside as her bladder continued its expulsion directly into her favorite pair of jeans.  “Ahh!” she screamed again at the unfamiliar sensation, trying to stand up quickly.

“Diane?  Is that you?” Princess Carolyn watched in horror as her friend stumbled against her wall, trying to preserve her dignity.  Diane raised a hand to cover her face.  Unfortunately, she felt herself begin to slip with one hand covering her face and the other trying to button her pants.  With horror, she toppled backward into the sandbox, smearing her fecal mess on her backside.

“Nooooo!” Diane sobbed as she felt a lump rise in her throat.  It felt as though she were sitting in a tub of expired chocolate pudding.  Princess Carolyn gaped in amazement from a safe distance, holding her shirt above her nose.  “Come on, honey, let’s get you cleaned up.”

Diane stared vacantly as Princess Carolyn led her into her bedroom.  Shortly after they went upstairs, Todd entered the unlocked door.  He wrinkled his nose in disgust and wondered aloud “is there a skunk here as well?”  Looking for the source of the odor, he saw the sandbox littered with half-smashed turds.  Grinning, he shouted out loud “I’ve got it!” and ran out the door.

The next day, Diane sat at home on her couch.  After learning from Princess Carolyn that the bathroom was right upstairs and that the sandbox she had despoiled was a Prince of Persia replica, she felt even more humiliated.  Her mood did not improve as Mr. Peanutbutter, Todd, and Emily walked in.

“Guys, please leave me alone.  I don’t want to talk right now.” Diane offered feebly.

“Diane, we have no time for your pouting.  We invented Potty2Go!” Todd beamed proudly.  Diane ignored him until she saw the object in Todd’s hands – the sandbox filled with her shameful logs!

“Todd, where did you get that?” Diane asked incredulously.

“This is our prototype!  Yesterday, I came in to Princess Carolyn’s apartment and found this fascinating sculpture.  I realized the answer had been in front of us all along!  Although I’m not sure what this is made of, it has a very true to life odor.”

Diane turned beet red – the offensive smell of yesterday’s poop was quickly filling up the living area.  “Please just get rid of that Todd.”

Todd shook his head.  “Not until you see our demonstration.  Observe!”  At his words, Emily moved front and center.  Diane saw that Emily’s pants seemed strangely full of something, bulging out in all directions.

“This is Potty2Go.  If you ever need to use the bathroom but you can’t find a toilet, all you need to do is take Potty2Go’s patented sand box and dump it into your pants.  Then, you can do what you need to do with no embarrassment and clean it out later!  Potty2Go!”  Mr. Peanutbutter nodded as Todd delivered the pitch.

“You guys know there is something for this – a diaper” Diane said in a flat voice.

“Oh, that’s what one of the people at the mall told Emily to wear!” Todd wondered in amazement.  “Okay, I guess we don’t need this.  Emily, you can take the sand out of your pants now.”

Emily had been wiggling around, her feet constantly moving, but she froze up when she heard Todd’s words.  “What?”

“Well, there’s no need for Potty2Go now, we can just sell diapers” Todd explained.

“Oh.”  Emily blushed red.  “Well, I kind of need to, you know…”.  All of a sudden, a hissing sound filled the air and Emily’s mouth opened slightly.  “Uhhh….it might be too late to get your sand back Todd…”
 

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