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Asexuality


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I wasn't really sure whether this fit best in this forum or the off topic section, so please feel free to move if appropriate. Not knowing where to fit actually seems pretty relevant, given the subject the post discusses. 😂

Ok, so before I begin I must stress this isn’t intended to be another discussion/debate on children and Omo - there are plenty of those ongoing already, so lots of opportunities to air your views. 

In some of the other discussions I’ve described myself as perhaps being asexual, although a little reluctantly so. What I mean by that is not that I’m reluctant to be asexual, if that is in fact what I am, but reluctant to label myself or anybody else in such a way, because I firmly believe that everything in life is fluid to a certain extent, everything and everyone will be somewhere on many different ‘spectrums’ which define their characteristics, and each of us is so unique that very rarely does a ‘one size fits all’ label really fit. 

I’ll be honest, sexuality isn’t really something I’ve given much thought to before, that’s how unimportant it all is to me. I don’t care what anybody else identifies as in terms of their sexual preferences/orientation or lack thereof, and sex just isn’t something that enters my mind, no matter how physically attractive any person may be. 

If you’d asked me before, I’ve always described myself as being a heterosexual male, probably because that’s the ‘norm’, although why should anything like that have one label which is considered normal which inherently implies that others aren’t? And why do we even need a label in the first place? Surely, within the bounds of what is legal, you love who you love and that’s that? You’re sexually attracted to who you’re sexually attracted to and that’s that? 

My view on labelling people hasn’t changed, but in a world where such labels seem necessary, rightly or wrongly, some of the discussion have made me think about which best fit me and that’s where I’ve come to the realisation that describing myself as asexual would be far more accurate and honest. In truth, I’m not sure that I’ve ever been properly sexually attracted towards another person. I’ve had a relatively long term, loving and committed relationship, but even then the sexual element was incredibly limited, and not something I took any pleasure from. I’d say that I tried, because my partner had a very high sex drive and clearly needed the sexual element of the relationship. I suspect, along with other issues, this played a sizeable part in the breakdown of the relationship. That former partner is still somebody I hold dear and love deeply, and I guess I always will, but not in a sexual way and I’m not sure there ever was a true sexual attraction even though I tried to play along with one.

Unfortunately my early sexual experiences were not positive, coming at the hands of an abusive family member when I was a child and adolescent, and I suspect that may play a part in my disinterest, but even before those experiences I had little in the way of impulses or desires that may be considered ‘normal’ (sorry, there’s that word again! What is normal?) when growing up. To put it crudely, even things like masturbation and porn don’t do anything for me, I just have no desire to become aroused.

Anyway, I’ve wittered on quite a lot there probably without saying a great deal, but it’s just something I wanted to get off my chest I think, and probably not something easily brought up in normal (?!) polite conversation, whereas I do know, again from the recent discussions, that there are likeminded people here so I figured where better? I’m sure there will be those who won’t understand feeling this way, but that’s absolutely fine and perfectly understandable in itself, just a I struggle to get my head around those who ‘stand to attention’ at the sight of an attractive person, or who become aroused by Omo acts. Obviously I’m on an Omo community site, so think there’s nothing at all wrong with the subject matter (heck it interests me greatly, that’s why I’m here), but it’s certainly not something that I find sexually gratifying, and I guess the reason I’m writing a post like this is because I’m yet to find anything which does make me feel that way, and suspect I probably never will.

Those of you who feel similar, I'd love to learn a little more about your journey and experiences, and also how your interest in Omo fits into things for you. 🙂

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Thanks for sharing- really interesting to hear other people’s experiences

i definitely   think sexuality changes through life- I was very sexual until recent years but now my primary interest in Omo, and although primarily Gay as an identity also find female desperation arousing- the important thing is that we are all who we are and that is all that matters 🙂

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Thanks folks for your thoughts, it's fascinating just how different people's feelings and perceptions are, and just strengthens my views that everything is quite fluid along various spectrums - I don't think there can ever be a static label to fit any one individual, because no matter how certain you are that you 'fit' a particular mould, you never know how your feelings may change, develop and evolve. 

I'd never sau that I won't feel sexual attraction or arousal in the future, with the right partner, but right now I could feel less interested in sex if I tried. 

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At least for us English speakers, I think part of the problem might be that we call upon a certain four-letter L-word to fill way too many roles.

That word, of course, is love and we use it to describe the feelings that hold together relationships as diverse as parent-child, brother-sister, friends, lovers, spouses, person-pet, even between a person and an inanimate object such as a favorite toy or book, and probably myriad others I can't think of at the moment. We use adjectives such as familial, parental, romantic, erotic, sexual, platonic, obsessive, and countless others in an attempt to describe the many kinds of love, and even that often falls apart as not all friendships, romances, affairs, and any other class of relationship you might apply the word love to are the same. The Greeks have multiple words for love, such as philia, eros, and agape, and even that language doesn't quite capture all the variation in a way that does a good job of balancing nuance against useful classification.

To a first approximation, I'd describe myself as a heterosexual cis-male. Technically true according to the straight-gay false dichotomy or the straight-gay-bi false trichotomy, and the cis-trans false dichotomy, but lacking in nuance.

To a second approximation, I'd describe myself as predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual, or a 1 on the Kinsey scale of sexual orientation and as a gender non-conformist cis-male.

To a third approximation, I'd add details such as:
High Libido
Strong preference for fictional characters over live actors in my erotica.
Those I'd consider as potential romantic partners are a subset of those I'd find sexually attractive.
Valuing romantic attachment to the point I don't think I could enjoy casual sex despite having no trouble enjoying masturbating to fantasies of sexually attractive individuals I'd never consider potential romantic partners.
A belief that the best romances evolve organically from strong friendships.

I can't rightly claim to know you, Piddly, but from what you've shared here, I think a good, short descriptor for you might be low-libido, hetero-romantic, or even just hetero-romantic. Either emphasizes that you're more interested in romance than sex, and the former makes it explicit that you have little, if any, interest in sex. More details can always be added, but the point of a good label is to communicate the most important details in a way that is comprehensible to most without pigeon holing into categories that might omit important details.

As for normal, the technical definition is a continuous distribution where the mean(average), median(middle), and mode(most common) values are all equal, 68% of data points are within 1 standard deviation of mean, 95% are within 2 SD, and 99% are within 3 SD. A normal distribution, if plotted as a histogram, takes on a distinctive, bell-shaped curve. Many things are normally distributed, and many discrete sets follow a binomial distribution, the discrete counterpart to the normal distribution... and many measures of abstract concepts are normalized to fit a normal distribution(IQ probably being the most infamous of such, normalized to an average of 100 and astandard deviation of 15/16 depending on the test).

Of course, most people who use normal in casual conversation probably don't know of it's statistical meaning, and the way the word is abused in casual conversation largely makes it meaningless outside it's statistical use...

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Thanks @Imouto Kitten for a thoroughly comprehensive and well reasoned reply as ever. 🙂

You've probably summed me up pretty well there, as I did very much enjoy the romantic side of being in a relationship, and felt deep 'love' and affection for my partner, there was just absolutely no desire for an intimate, physical, sexual relationship. 

On reflection, I think I've found the best label - 'me'. After all, that's who I am, with all of my little nuances and peculiarities. And if somebody wants to know more about what does or doesn't make me tick then rather than turning to a pretty non-descript label they're far better off getting to know the real me. 😊

So yeah, I'm not straight, gay, bi, asexual, demisexual, confused or unsure, and I'm certainly not 'normal' by any definition, I'm just plain old me! 😁

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2 hours ago, Piddly said:

On reflection, I think I've found the best label - 'me'. After all, that's who I am, with all of my little nuances and peculiarities.

I think you just have made a "best description" that can apply for everyone, if you don't mind me saying so. I have always thought of myself as (hopefully) more open minded than most people I have met. And the older I get, I realize that on an individual level, we are all unique.

As to the asexuality, I get it in other people. My daughter is asexual. One of our swordfighting classmates is asexual. (She did admit that she would let Gail Gadot punch her in the face. She is a local actress and stunt/fight coordinator for theatre.). Both of them have said that it isn't that they have discounted the possibility of something turning on their sexuality switch, but that 1. It isn't a priority in their everyday thinking. 2. There is no specific sexual "trigger" that makes either of them feel like there is a desire to look for someone/something.

I hope this is making some sense. Obviously, either one of them could be giving me an answer to keep me from asking (not that I ever did ask  ... but you know relatives ... how's school? do you have a boyfriend? ... do you have a job? ... etc. and both of the young women have expressed the frustration of those type of questions being asked over and over ....

Anyway ...

Either of them could have been saying they are/were asexual to keep the questions off. I don't think so. We (wife, daughter, son, and I) have always had a very open / discussion  Q&A type relationship. If they can ask it, they get an answer. The are also encouraged to do any research on their own. So, I believe that my daughter is telling the truth.  (And our SF classmate is her age and is equally open about lots of topics - and has no reason to lie.) 

So, I think it comes down to what you are comfortable with. I KNOW you are not alone in your feelings. I do not know if my daughter, son, and/or our classmate is into OMO (I would never ask, but if they asked me, I would not be judgmental and casually mention I have heard of a website ... )

I think it is great that you are who you are. A lot of my life, I told no one about my kinks. When I did, mostly I was ridiculed. I have had a few people who understood (2 co-workers, 1 best friend who knows / guessed - but does not share or judge my interest, a friend who moved back to Sweden and THEN told me he was really a woman in all but physical attributes, and 1 online friend/lover who was as near as makes no difference a perfect match sexual and kink-wise. 

So be yourself. If something / someone comes along and gives you more, then that is icing. 

Cheers!

 

 

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Thank you for sharing. As a very sexual and also quite perverted person I find it difficult to relate to less sexual and asexual behaviours, and your story has opened a little window into that world for me. 

Omo is only a minor aspect of my sexuality and I don’t really need it to enjoy life and sex. This is fortunate as it means I can choose from a wide pool of partners without restricting myself to those who share this fetish. 

I am predominantly straight and I love female company as well as female sexual partners. I did have a minor homosexual experience in my youth but since then have spent many years solely with females. I just love women! It’s not only about sex but also about enjoying the differences in outlook on life and different attitudes. I like unusual women, women with different values to me and that will challenge my views and keep me open- minded as I move into late middle age. I like beautiful and also what others have described as ugly. I like women of different cultures, races and colours and from different social backgrounds. And I find them all sexually attractive too, none of them seem ugly to me once I’ve got to know and befriend them.

i guess when there are no more women left in the world who will talk to me and sleep with me I’ll move onto the men, I’m open enough to that too, indeed rather more open to it than when I was younger thanks to one of my bisexual lady friends who opened my eyes to so much. 

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I will say that Asexual is, in itself, a very fluid term. It is an umbrella term that captures many other terms where little to no sexual attraction is experienced. I would suggest looking into the more specific terms if asexual doesn't feel right for you.

As for being comfortable with labeling, its always best to ask before you set a specific idea in your mind. Putting labels on people is much easier if you hear their labels (and pronouns, for that matter) from their mouth. Heck, I just found out one of my friends was Demisexual yesterday, and I've known them for years! It was a relief to have some information on their preferences after knowing them that long. 

Remember: Nobody's forcing you to fit a term that exists, the only true term that fits anyone is that you are you. And nobdoy's forcing you to label people, so of you don't want to attach terms to anyone, you don't have too.

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