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Giving but not getting? Oral sex

Question

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for two years now and I hate to admit but I have not had a fully satisfying sexual experience with him yet. It could possibly be because of the lack of foreplay, lack of clitoral stimulation, or just how exhausting it gets after a while. No matter how long we keep going he just won’t come unless I suck him off.

At first, I was fine doing so, since then at least it would mean we can finally rest and cuddle. However, recently I started to realize how unfair it actually seems. I definitely orgasm wonderfully with my vibrator against my clitoris so I was hoping his tongue working on it would be nice as well. I mentioned it a few times, he said sure but it was put off for a while, until finally I just couldn’t wait anymore! The next time I made it so we would 69 and at least he would be receiving something as well, and that was when he agreed to it. Unfortunately it didn’t even last 20 seconds before he stopped and said he can’t do it because he didn’t exactly like the taste of my pussy... He must’ve seen how disappointed I was, enough to say that he would try again another time before I get wet. I was hurt. I told him I understand; our genitals aren’t exactly the most delicious meal you will ever have. I would know since I’ve been giving him oral from the start. But I didn’t care if I was in tears from the gag reflexes or if he came in my mouth. I just wanted to feel connected with him and make him happy. I was hoping he would do the same for me too. Can I keep my hopes up? Is there anyway I can maybe change his mind? Do I wait patiently until he’s ready, and until then I continue to give him pleasure with my mouth or not? Or should I just give up and stick with my vibrator?

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It's a very personal question, I mean there is no generic answer for everyone. Can he change his mind? Possibly, eventually. People's sexual preferences change. Or sometimes they don't. There're people who love giving oral and people who hate it. Same with anal or any other type of play. I like fingering, but I am myself don't like giving oral (I don't like smell, I don't like taste, I don't like sensations on my face like that), you can count on fingers how many times I gave it to a woman in my life and I never liked it. Am I going to force myself doing it? Sorry, no, I don't think it's fair to force yourself do something on a regular basis you don't like, whatever it is. Do I expect to get it back? If woman likes doing it herself then sure, but if she would have to force herself to do it - then no, fair game, nobody does it. Do you have to keep giving him oral? No, you don't have to, it's your personal choice if you're going to continue or going to stop, you don't owe him oral sex. 

Pretty much, no one of you has obligations to give oral or do anything else, so everyone can do whatever they feel comfortable with. And just my 2 cents... I've never heard of guy who physically cannot cum without getting oral... unless he is not even trying knowing you will suck him off anyway to make him happy.

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Firsts things first. You should know that men are kinda dumb. Particularly on matters concerning the oposite sex. We can be pretty clueless. Specially in bed. You see, male functioning is simple: a man gets excited he becomes hard. He climaxes, he gets soft. Very simple. Females are much more complex and sometimes it is hard for us to grasp that complexity. Sometimes we are not even able to tell for sure if our partner has orgasmed or not. Every man wants to perform well in bed, but sometimes we are not sure what to do to improve. That said, if you want your partner to improve in bed, you should give feedback. I'll get back into that in a minute.

I personaly do not believe that relationships should be based on being "fair" or "unfair", "right" or "wrong", but in making two people happy. And a great way to ensure that is dialog. If you are unsatiefied in bed you should talk, gently, of course, but very openly about this with your partner.

Invite him over, have dinner, a nice chat, good mood, than tell him you want to talk about sex. Ask him what he likes or dislikes in bed (and be really accepting, if you want to give feedback, you should be willing to recieve too) and then tell him about your needs.

You guys should figure out what kind of foreplay works for you both, that he enjoys and that gets you going. If he does not like licking you, fine, teach him how to use his fingers to please you or how to your toy in the sexy time. Do not be ashamed to talk to him, to even masturbate in front of him, so he gets a first hand lesson on how to please you, if you have to. Do what you must, but talk to him, and I am sure you guys will figure it out.

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On 8/26/2019 at 4:32 AM, pleasure said:

I’ve been with my current boyfriend for two years now and I hate to admit but I have not had a fully satisfying sexual experience with him yet. It could possibly be because of the lack of foreplay, lack of clitoral stimulation, or just how exhausting it gets after a while. No matter how long we keep going he just won’t come unless I suck him off.

At first, I was fine doing so, since then at least it would mean we can finally rest and cuddle. However, recently I started to realize how unfair it actually seems. I definitely orgasm wonderfully with my vibrator against my clitoris so I was hoping his tongue working on it would be nice as well. I mentioned it a few times, he said sure but it was put off for a while, until finally I just couldn’t wait anymore! The next time I made it so we would 69 and at least he would be receiving something as well, and that was when he agreed to it. Unfortunately it didn’t even last 20 seconds before he stopped and said he can’t do it because he didn’t exactly like the taste of my pussy... He must’ve seen how disappointed I was, enough to say that he would try again another time before I get wet. I was hurt. I told him I understand; our genitals aren’t exactly the most delicious meal you will ever have. I would know since I’ve been giving him oral from the start. But I didn’t care if I was in tears from the gag reflexes or if he came in my mouth. I just wanted to feel connected with him and make him happy. I was hoping he would do the same for me too. Can I keep my hopes up? Is there anyway I can maybe change his mind? Do I wait patiently until he’s ready, and until then I continue to give him pleasure with my mouth or not? Or should I just give up and stick with my vibrator?

one thing i noticed here.. it's the way you describe your relationship with him. it seems to me like there's no passion between you two at all, everything just physical, a routine. like two people who happen to be together, but with no strong feelings for each other, just being otgether because you don't want to be alone. people who are in love, crazy about each other love every inch of each other's body, no matter the smell or anything. 

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On 8/28/2019 at 3:34 AM, Apertado said:

Firsts things first. You should know that men are kinda dumb. Particularly on matters concerning the oposite sex. We can be pretty clueless. Specially in bed. You see, male functioning is simple: a man gets excited he becomes hard. He climaxes, he gets soft. Very simple. Females are much more complex and sometimes it is hard for us to grasp that complexity.

This is a generalization, and not true of all men.  Frankly, I find statements such as this to be very offensive.  Please speak only for yourself, not other men.  Sitcoms have done enough damage already.

I believe that if a person is selfish in bed, or anywhere else for that matter, then there's really nothing you can do to change that.  Sorry, but my experience is that people usually can't or won't change that much, if at all.  But there are all kinds of people on this planet, and they run the gamut in personality.  That includes men just as it does women, so at the very least you aren't stuck with just one type of potential partner.  It's just a matter of finding someone compatible.

To be fair here, you didn't really talk about what kind of relationship you have with your boyfriend, so I don't know if there are other stakes involved.  If you love each other but the physical aspect is just kind of lacking, well then the relationship may be worth fighting for.  But if you're just sexual partners and not at least good friends as well then I would say move on.

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Well the lack of clitoral stimulation and foreplay come a long way when it comes to good sexual pleasure, if i dont do foreplay it doesnt feel good to me cuz i wont be wet enough

i usually clean my vagina before any kind of sexual play, just because I personally dont like the way i smell, its a normal smell but i dont like it so i dont expect my bf to (even though he does) , it just makes me feel more confident during oral but thats just me, maybe try that and see if there is a difference? 

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I find vaginal sex boring. Oral and anal are the only things that make me cum. If a girl won't do bareback anal, or oral and swallow, I move on.  I give a woman as much oral as she wants, why should I be in a relationship where I'm not being satisfied? 

And if you're giving, INSIST on GETTING!

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Hey @pleasure! Just a few thoughts about your problem that might help you out a bit.

On 8/26/2019 at 4:32 AM, pleasure said:

I hate to admit but I have not had a fully satisfying sexual experience with him yet

Yeah, that pretty much seems to be a frequent problem for people - more so for women than men, as I heard, but I might be biased. Anyway, the point is: it's okay to admit it. Love needs maintenance and people need time to figure out sex between each other. This is nothing new or unique in itself. But usually there is a strong drive to make it better with couples. I'm quite skeptical if this is the case in your relationship, based on your description of things.

 

On 8/26/2019 at 4:32 AM, pleasure said:

our genitals aren’t exactly the most delicious meal you will ever have

But it surely helps your sex life, if you act like it is 😄

 

On 8/26/2019 at 4:32 AM, pleasure said:

Can I keep my hopes up? Is there anyway I can maybe change his mind? Do I wait patiently until he’s ready, and until then I continue to give him pleasure with my mouth or not? Or should I just give up and stick with my vibrator?

Well, if you're only having sex once a month in the last year or so, or something like this, then I'd say there is room to evolve there. If you're having a lot of sex for most of this 2-year relationship, and all of it is like this, then I'd say no. I don't know how young or attractive you are, and what are your circumstances, but if you're at least a moderately attractive young woman in a moderately sized city, then guys will line up to date you. You don't really need anything, except choose one well 😉 This might sound cruel, but being stuck with a shitty sex life is cruel too.

I don't really know what's really going on with you two, but here are a few ideas:

  • Both of you might be too much into masturbation, if you know what I mean. Death grip is a real thing for men, and no pussy on Earth can match that thightness once they are used to that. Similarly, no mouth will match the raw sensation of a vibrator pressed into your clit. These are just different sensations. Okay, based on your account you're much more willing to please him than vica versa, but this still can be a a problem for both of you. Maybe try to mutually abstain from pleasuring yourselves for a period of time, then try again with each other's genitals. Try increasing the no-fap time according to results, individually or mutually.
  • Or as an interim solution why don't you teach him how to pleasure you with your vibrator? He can do some other stuff for you during that - fingering, sucking on a nipple, or just holding and caressing you. I don't know about you, but when someone replicates the way I masturbate with a vibrator for me, AND also holds me close, kisses me on my special weak spots, perhaps even calls me cute as I cum and whimper into their neck, that makes it about ten times better 🤗 But you need to build up a relationship like this, and I'm not sure that you can do it, or that it's doable with this guy.
  • Try to ramp up communication with each other? Maybe use a site like mojoupgrade.com to find some common kinks/fetishes that you can engage in? I saw on your profile that you're into some things, girl. Maybe try to only tease each other for a whole evening - so no touching of the clit/head of the penis, only everything else? This is a game that most couples play usually somewhere around the start of a new relationship. You know, to get to know your partner's body. But of course, you need the underlaying drive to pleasure your partner for this to work...
  • Upgrade to a better guy 🙃 Girl, some of these disgusting animals out there straight up want you to sit on their face for oral - like sit on upright, not even 69 style. (Or at least I heard so 🙄) And here you are, getting a grand total of 20 seconds of oral in... two years? That's no bueno, if you ask me.

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After some reflection I think I may have been a bit too hard on @Apertado.  Sorry for that.  If you were speaking purely physiologically then I can kind of see where you were coming from.  I guess your wording just kind of bothered me.

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On 8/26/2019 at 3:32 AM, pleasure said:

Can I keep my hopes up? Is there anyway I can maybe change his mind? Do I wait patiently until he’s ready, and until then I continue to give him pleasure with my mouth or not? Or should I just give up and stick with my vibrator?

I think it's an unfortunate situation, but it's generally a bad idea to push people to do things they don't enjoy, even if you're happy to do it for them.

Just a thought though, if vibration is what is needed to get you off, why not have him do the honours? Or ask him to cuddle you while you do it yourself. No reason it has to be a solo experience.

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I’m just gonna say this really quick: 

If your only motive to be with this guy is to have sex with him, and he hasn’t showed any improvement over the two years that you have been with each other, then you should move on. Sex is a temporary love that can be given to anybody, don’t be with a guy who doesn’t make you happy. Find out what your motives are in a relationship and go towards it, perfection is subjective and if your boyfriend isn’t perfect to you then he is perfect to a different woman. It’s the way life is, you have to be honest with yourself and follow your intuition. There’s plenty of guys out there. 

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