Jump to content
Existing user? Sign In

Sign In



Sign Up

Finally told my girlfriend. What now? Any experience?


Recommended Posts

This has been an interesting read, especially as I recognize several elements of it, from all angles. I applaud your candidness. 

I'm in the same boat in the sense that my partner of 7 years isn't into omo or ABDL. However, after a previous relationship, I did learn to be upfront about my preferences and told her about them when we were still dating. That way, I knew that I would either start a relationship with an accepting person or start no relationship at all. 

While she's not into omo, she's definitely curious and has tried several things, both with and without me. And you know what... it turns out it just isn't her thing. I'm sure she partially agrees with your girlfriend's assessment that it's dirty, but more importantly - it just doesn't do anything for her. It doesn't push her buttons or create any (sexual) emotion -- and she tried! Because of that, there's no role for her in omo.

The analogy I often use is this: if I don't like football, I could probably still join someone to a game, but what's the point? I'd just be doing it for the other, and the other will feel that I'm not as invested. It's the same in our relationship: while she accepts my interests, there's just no point in imposing it on her. 

I definitely recognize the emotion that this is harder than it initially seemed. I'm sure you and I both know about people (perhaps IRL or from stories here) who seem to have it all: the love, the life, the omo. Damn it, wouldn't we all want that? However, in my experience, if you can find a way to deal with the omo part, having the other two is something to cherish. 

I'm fortunate that my girlfriend has no issue with me interacting with others online, and I sometimes even meet people IRL, even wearing diapers at time. Does it become sexual? Not really, because that's still hard, but we are talking about it. Maybe it will change some day. 

Kochel's words, at least in earlier posts, and with all due respect, seem a bit black and white to me. I don't think there's anything wrong or untrue about what he said, but there's a nuance in every relationship. In your case, I think your girlfriend deserves some slack, after you sprung your fetish on her after eight years.

Sure, she said she'd never try it, but perhaps she never heard of omo the minute before you told her about it. It might have seemed alien at first? And maybe she has some level of prudishness in her character? Maybe she cares about what average Joe and Jane think and this scares her? Maybe she's just confused because she discovered a whole new side of you that went missing for eight years? These things contribute to initial responses, and they may change over time. 

What to do? It's up to you. Since we're in a comparable boat, here are some suggestions:

  1. Avoid the closet. Don't be ashamed. Don't put your feelings away. 
  2. Adding to the previous point: try to stay confident. If you're insecure about omo, she'll feel insecure about it too. She'll feel better if you show you're comfortable with it. 
  3. As Kochel said, she probably really should try it, once the initial shock is gone. Why not wet underwear in the shower? Any "damage" is gone within the minute, if it's really that terrible. 
  4. This all happened four days ago, right? Give her plenty of time. No rush here. It really is too early to panic. If point 3 doesn't work out, stick to point 1. Kochel had some examples of what that may look like, but again - really too early to look there.
  5. Keep coming to this forum. We're here for you.
Edited by davel (see edit history)
Link to comment

Kudos for coming out with it. While this issue may be causing some tension, I can guarantee that it's better to have it out on the table and in the open than chewing away on the back of your mind. 

I've had three partners and told each one of them about my desperation fetish. It's worked out pretty well, and so here's my advice. 

1) TAKE IT SLOW. Let the subject settle for a while. If you keep circling back, you may amp up the anxiety level in both of you. Go out, do fun things, and (perhaps most importantly of all!) have good sex with no kinky content. Repeatedly. This reassures both of you that you can have a sexual relationship without it. 

2) Honor her refusal and expect nothing. 

3) That said, there might be a few alternatives that you and she may not have considered. Easiest of all (and something all three of my exes volunteered to do for me): ask her to tell you a story from earlier in her life when she got desperate or wet herself. (Keep it in her teens and after, though. No need for her to think you've got a pedophile side, too.) Almost everybody's got such a story. If she's got one and is willing to share it, that gives you a little kinky content that's specific to her, but she doesn't actually have to do anything aside from tell you a story that's probably more funny than embarrassing by now. If you're like me, you'll probably respond very intensely. 

(Funny thing: the first time this happened to me, I responded very intensely in a non-sexual way. I was in pure "fight to defend my beloved" mode. If that happens to you, then you can honestly say that you probably wouldn't be turned on by this situation if it came up. That would be very reassuring for her, I think.) 

The third time this happened (second time I actually stopped her mid-story), I responded very well, very sexually, and my partner loved how turned on I was. It's totally possible for someone to do something for their lover and enjoy it just because the lover is enjoying it. 

There are a few other small steps you could take. Watch her peeing absolutely normally, in your bathroom, for instance. That gives your imagination something to play around with, and it's something she was going to do anyway! Or if you're outdoorsy at all, watch her pop a squat in the woods. 

If she's willing to try out some of these baby steps, see how she reacts. If she's like, "Okay, I did that for you, glad it's over" then don't push it and savor the memories. If she responds more along the lines of, "Okay, that wasn't too bad, and I like the effect it had on you!", then go slow and see if she's willing to do a bit more. 

Remember that a full-ish bladder can make sex feel quite nice for women, because it puts pressure on the clitoris from the other side. That might be a good selling point! 

Link to comment
On 3/5/2019 at 11:25 PM, davel said:

This has been an interesting read, especially as I recognize several elements of it, from all angles. I applaud your candidness. 

I'm in the same boat in the sense that my partner of 7 years isn't into omo or ABDL. However, after a previous relationship, I did learn to be upfront about my preferences and told her about them when we were still dating. That way, I knew that I would either start a relationship with an accepting person or start no relationship at all. 

While she's not into omo, she's definitely curious and has tried several things, both with and without me. And you know what... it turns out it just isn't her thing. I'm sure she partially agrees with your girlfriend's assessment that it's dirty, but more importantly - it just doesn't do anything for her. It doesn't push her buttons or create any (sexual) emotion -- and she tried! Because of that, there's no role for her in omo.

The analogy I often use is this: if I don't like football, I could probably still join someone to a game, but what's the point? I'd just be doing it for the other, and the other will feel that I'm not as invested. It's the same in our relationship: while she accepts my interests, there's just no point in imposing it on her. 

I definitely recognize the emotion that this is harder than it initially seemed. I'm sure you and I both know about people (perhaps IRL or from stories here) who seem to have it all: the love, the life, the omo. Damn it, wouldn't we all want that? However, in my experience, if you can find a way to deal with the omo part, having the other two is something to cherish. 

I'm fortunate that my girlfriend has no issue with me interacting with others online, and I sometimes even meet people IRL, even wearing diapers at time. Does it become sexual? Not really, because that's still hard, but we are talking about it. Maybe it will change some day. 

Kochel's words, at least in earlier posts, and with all due respect, seem a bit black and white to me. I don't think there's anything wrong or untrue about what he said, but there's a nuance in every relationship. In your case, I think your girlfriend deserves some slack, after you sprung your fetish on her after eight years.

 

Hey davel! Thank you so much for your reply! 😊

Yeah, sounds like you are kind of in the same boat indeed. 😉 I agree, if you try something and find out you don't like it, then that's just the way things are. No changing that. And yes, while I'd certainly like to at least try something omo, I still agree with what others (I think it was WetDave?) have also said before... I'd rather have a girl that doesn't share my kink but is perfect in every other way, than one I can live out my kink with but other than that don't actually want to live with.

It's pretty awesome though that your girlfriend is okay with you trying stuff with other people. Maybe not in a sexual way, but that's really hard to allow their partner to do for a lot of people, so I'd say that's perfectly understandable.

Yes, I can see how it's probably been kind of a shock for her. This is a whole new side to me she had no idea about for 8 years. This absolutely is something to give you pause and think about.

 

On 3/5/2019 at 11:25 PM, davel said:

Sure, she said she'd never try it, but perhaps she never heard of omo the minute before you told her about it. It might have seemed alien at first? And maybe she has some level of prudishness in her character? Maybe she cares about what average Joe and Jane think and this scares her? Maybe she's just confused because she discovered a whole new side of you that went missing for eight years? These things contribute to initial responses, and they may change over time. 

She'd hate it to say it like that, but maybe. She's pretty open about talking about sex and stuff, but she never had any desire to try anything less ordinary, besides maybe having sex on the beach once. And she definitely is the type of person who tends to worry a lot about what others think.

On 3/5/2019 at 11:25 PM, davel said:

What to do? It's up to you. Since we're in a comparable boat, here are some suggestions:

  1. Avoid the closet. Don't be ashamed. Don't put your feelings away. 
  2. Adding to the previous point: try to stay confident. If you're insecure about omo, she'll feel insecure about it too. She'll feel better if you show you're comfortable with it. 

You're right. I shouldn't be ashamed about it. This is still something I find pretty hard to do. Of course it's nothing I'd want to talk to just anyone about, but I shouldn't be ashamed about it in front of my girlfriend. It is a part of my sexuality. There's no way of changing it.

On 3/5/2019 at 11:25 PM, davel said:

As Kochel said, she probably really should try it, once the initial shock is gone. Why not wet underwear in the shower? Any "damage" is gone within the minute, if it's really that terrible.  

That's what I was thinking initially, but she really doesn't like the idea so far. I'm not sure she'll ever come around to do it.

 

On 3/5/2019 at 11:25 PM, davel said:

Keep coming to this forum. We're here for you. 

This is honestly one of the nicest things I've heard in a while. Thank you so much, man. 🤗

 

20 hours ago, Weasel said:

Kudos for coming out with it. While this issue may be causing some tension, I can guarantee that it's better to have it out on the table and in the open than chewing away on the back of your mind. 

I've had three partners and told each one of them about my desperation fetish. It's worked out pretty well, and so here's my advice. 

1) TAKE IT SLOW. Let the subject settle for a while. If you keep circling back, you may amp up the anxiety level in both of you. Go out, do fun things, and (perhaps most importantly of all!) have good sex with no kinky content. Repeatedly. This reassures both of you that you can have a sexual relationship without it. 

2) Honor her refusal and expect nothing.

Thanks for your advice as well!

Yeah, that's pretty much the plan for now. I can't and won't ever expect anything of the sort from her. We do love each other. That's all that matters.

20 hours ago, Weasel said:

3) That said, there might be a few alternatives that you and she may not have considered. Easiest of all (and something all three of my exes volunteered to do for me): ask her to tell you a story from earlier in her life when she got desperate or wet herself. (Keep it in her teens and after, though. No need for her to think you've got a pedophile side, too.) Almost everybody's got such a story. If she's got one and is willing to share it, that gives you a little kinky content that's specific to her, but she doesn't actually have to do anything aside from tell you a story that's probably more funny than embarrassing by now. If you're like me, you'll probably respond very intensely.  

(Funny thing: the first time this happened to me, I responded very intensely in a non-sexual way. I was in pure "fight to defend my beloved" mode. If that happens to you, then you can honestly say that you probably wouldn't be turned on by this situation if it came up. That would be very reassuring for her, I think.)  

We could give it a try if we both feel comfortable enough for it, but like you I don't like it when she has to go and doesn't actually want to. Anything even remotely non-consensual is a major dealbreaker for me, that's why these rare desperate street sightings never really do anything for me. I only like holding when the person doing it is doing it because they want to.

20 hours ago, Weasel said:

There are a few other small steps you could take. Watch her peeing absolutely normally, in your bathroom, for instance. That gives your imagination something to play around with, and it's something she was going to do anyway! Or if you're outdoorsy at all, watch her pop a squat in the woods. 

Yeah, we've been with each other for a pretty long time. I've watched her pee or pop a squat times beyond counting. This has never been overly sexual for me though.

20 hours ago, Weasel said:

If she's willing to try out some of these baby steps, see how she reacts. If she's like, "Okay, I did that for you, glad it's over" then don't push it and savor the memories. If she responds more along the lines of, "Okay, that wasn't too bad, and I like the effect it had on you!", then go slow and see if she's willing to do a bit more. 

True. But her last stance on it sounded pretty final, so that might never happen.

20 hours ago, Weasel said:

Remember that a full-ish bladder can make sex feel quite nice for women, because it puts pressure on the clitoris from the other side. That might be a good selling point! 

I did actually try to have sex with her once a pretty long time ago, to see if maybe there was a tiny little chance that she might enjoy it. She hated it. 😂

Your opinion has been super helpful as well though, thanks a lot Weasel!

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
Link to comment

I hope that you are able to find an amicable resolution to your issues.

My husband and I have unique sexual relationship. He is aware of my interests in Omo and I am aware of his personal fetishes. When he and I make love, either he or I are in charge that night. I've had him try things that I enjoy. He has been honest how he felt about it. I participate in his interests and let him know if there are things that I don't care for. There are things that both of us will no longer do. There are also things that we do alone.

We have had in-depth conversations about what brought about our fetishes and have found a very nice medium. We've learned about each other and are closer for it.

You might want to explain where you are coming from with your interests. See if you can find out why she is bothered by it. She might have a rough history with wetting that makes it taboo. If she was a young bed wetter and was admonished for it, she might feel shame in wetting and accidents. 

I also admit that I skimmed through a lot of the previous entries, so if I've repeated what someone else has suggested, I am sorry.

I wish the two of you the best.

Link to comment
21 hours ago, hoimi said:

I hope that you are able to find an amicable resolution to your issues.

My husband and I have unique sexual relationship. He is aware of my interests in Omo and I am aware of his personal fetishes. When he and I make love, either he or I are in charge that night. I've had him try things that I enjoy. He has been honest how he felt about it. I participate in his interests and let him know if there are things that I don't care for. There are things that both of us will no longer do. There are also things that we do alone.

We have had in-depth conversations about what brought about our fetishes and have found a very nice medium. We've learned about each other and are closer for it.

You might want to explain where you are coming from with your interests. See if you can find out why she is bothered by it. She might have a rough history with wetting that makes it taboo. If she was a young bed wetter and was admonished for it, she might feel shame in wetting and accidents. 

I also admit that I skimmed through a lot of the previous entries, so if I've repeated what someone else has suggested, I am sorry.

I wish the two of you the best.

Thank you!

Yes, that deal with your husband sounds very good. I've always liked these "I'll try yours, you'll try mine" situations. It often leads to an agreement that both are happy with.

No, I already know a lot about her past, she didn't wet more than any other child did. Probably even less. Knowing how she grew up though I think she may have been raised to think that it's unclean and to be avoided.

Skimming through this topic is totally okay, don't worry about it. It has gotten much, much bigger than I had anticipated.

Thank you very much for your insights and own experience with your husband as well!

Best wishes to both of you!

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
Link to comment
21 hours ago, hoimi said:

We have had in-depth conversations about what brought about our fetishes and have found a very nice medium. We've learned about each other and are closer for it.

I think this is key and excellently put. Thanks for the insight, Hoimi. It has an element that I didn't include in my initial response - apart from giving her plenty of time, might there be anything that she would like to try? Something that came up over the years, or perhaps something she'll disclose soon? Think it's important to try and not make this only about you. 🙂 

Link to comment
54 minutes ago, davel said:

I think this is key and excellently put. Thanks for the insight, Hoimi. It has an element that I didn't include in my initial response - apart from giving her plenty of time, might there be anything that she would like to try? Something that came up over the years, or perhaps something she'll disclose soon? Think it's important to try and not make this only about you. 🙂 

Oh yeah, absolutely. I asked her a couple of years ago, and again after I told her about my kinks. I would have loved it if there was anything she had a special interest in. She doesn't though.

Link to comment
2 minutes ago, mad the cat said:

Oh yeah, absolutely. I asked her a couple of years ago, and again after I told her about my kinks. I would have loved it if there was anything she had a special interest in. She doesn't though.

She's only into vanilla sex? Does she watch porn? Does she read smut or something that might have subtextual undertones?

Link to comment
9 hours ago, hoimi said:

She's only into vanilla sex? Does she watch porn? Does she read smut or something that might have subtextual undertones?


Yeah, pretty much vanilla only. She does have one sex toy that she enjoys sometimes though. She's tried porn, but is usually not into it. No, she doesn't read any of it.

Link to comment

Hey, so I definitely didn't read all of the replies to this, and I apologize if my hot take is just more of the same.  🙂

It took me seven years to tell my husband, and that had nothing to do with him in the least and everything to do with my deep sense of self-hatred and shame.  I grew up assuming that I'd never get married because I never thought I'd meet someone whom I'd feel comfortable telling, and I refused to marry someone whom I couldn't tell.  He proposed after two years, and I said yes, because I knew I could tell him.  But then I made him wait to get married for another five years (that sounds bad, but he was cool with my reasoning...we bought a house together first and started our respective careers and we aren't having kids so it wasn't a rush).  I wouldn't let him go through with marrying me without knowing exactly what he was getting himself into.

It took a lot of alcohol and hysterical crying for me to get it out.  Now, my situation is different in that he just laughed at (with) me and said, "That's it???  That was the big deal?!  Babe, you're tame."

That's not really relevant to your original question, just while I was skimming, I saw mention that it was a red flag you didn't tell her sooner.  I don't think it was a red flag on the relationship at all and likely not a commentary on her as a person or the bond you share with her, but, of course, my opinion is colored by my own personal experience.

Here's the relevant shit:  You just told her.  How she feels about it today is not necessarily how she's going to feel about it however long down the road.  I'm not saying she'll ever change her mind about participation, but I will say that it's all in what you get used to, and humans have the extraordinary capability to get used to anything.  Ever find yourself doing something you swore you'd never do?  Same concept.  She's just not used to the idea yet.  It's not normal yet.  But someday, it will be completely normalized in her mind.  If she's as awesome and accepting as you say, and I believe she is, she'll eventually get used to the idea that it's just a part of who you are and nothing to be seen as odd or gross or different.  If she has any capacity for compersion, she may even find it cute or endearing how much you enjoy it, once it's no longer such new information to her.  

I'm certainly not saying this will happen to her, please don't take it that way at all, but as an example on getting used to things... I had always been repulsed by watersports my whole life, to the point that I'd never even tried wetting myself until last year because I have clinical OCD and I am compulsively fastidious about personal hygiene.  Now, not only will I have my own accidents, but I relished it when a playmate and I, um, had a fully-clothed exchange of fluids.  I've had (many, heh) fantasies of another playmate who once suggested that on a future playdate he may undo my jeans and pee into them while I'm forced to keep holding through it.  I've also oddly stopped showering after an accident.  I won't go so far as to stay in wet clothes, but I don't always rinse off either (*blushes*).  Two years ago the thought of that would have made me nauseous.  It was only my immersion in the online omo community that helped normalize my own fetish in my own mind.  Now, it's just another Tuesday afternoon.

I'm also about to get super real on you.  You mentioned that after eight years, you've gotten used to each other and the heat in the bedroom has mellowed.  This is very important...  Omo is the same way!  Right now it feels like such a disadvantageous situation that you don't foresee ever getting to participate in person with her.  I am here to tell you (*waves* hey there) omo gets just as old, especially with the same partner.  Whereas one year ago I was over the fucking moon that my husband regularly volunteers to hold and wet for me and it was everything I'd ever dreamed of, I legitimately turned him down last week (another thing I thought I'd never do!).  I went from being ever-so-grateful for every bit of omo play I could get from him to it being just a regular Sunday in the Marin household.  What you're craving is the honeymoon phase, and that doesn't last forever, even with omo (and I say that as a complete omo-sexual, meaning absolutely nothing can get me off except omo).

I'll leave you with one last thought.  Omo does not require touching.  It does not inherently require a connection.  It can absolutely be the most transactional thing on the planet, if you organize it as such.  You never have to discuss the sexual aspect of it if you don't want to.  Just cause y'all know what the other's doing afterwards in your own separate homes doesn't mean you need to be explicit about it!  Definitely give your girlfriend lots and lots of processing time first, but have you considered at some point in the future maybe making an online omo friend?  Skype or FaceTime or whatever is almost as good as the real deal.  I don't know how she'd feel about you doing that, or how you'd feel looking for that particular connection elsewhere.  I know you mentioned she was scared (hence giving it so, so much time before bringing it up if you choose to), but it might be a happy medium if she truly is and remains that put-off by the idea of trying it.  I have a fair amount of online omo friends and my relationship with each of them is different, so I know you can make it anything you want it to be.  I have some that I keep things strictly PG with, and I have some that I've gotten comfortable enough with to get downright explicit.  I have some that I've met in person and some that live halfway around the world.  The possibilities are endless.  I will warn you to check your feelings at the door though, because that shit can really get complicated if you're not careful, but we're all adults here and communication is key.  Just make sure your friend knows under no uncertain terms that you don't mean to get involved in that fashion and you should be golden (lololol).

Link to comment
16 hours ago, youromofantasy said:

Hey, so I definitely didn't read all of the replies to this, and I apologize if my hot take is just more of the same.  🙂

 

 

 

Wait a minute. „youromofantasy“ as in THE youromofantasy on Twitter? Holy shit. If this is you then I'm pretty fucking starstruck right now, so sorry... 😂🙈

Your reply has been absolutely amazing, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me. I'll gladly reply in greater detail next week, but I'm pretty busy right now, so it'll have to wait a bit. I still wanted to thank you right away though.

20 hours ago, Toady567 said:

I told my girlfriend about it years ago. It didn’t change the way she felt about me except she thinks I’m weird, which is no big deal. We’ve never tried it even though I want to. 

Looks we're in the same boat right now, huh? The most important thing is that it didn't change the way both of our girlfriends feel about us, I think. Have you talked about it again since you first told her?

Also, thanks for your reply as well! It's nice to hear from people in similar situations.

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
Link to comment

This thread has caused me to finally get off the couch and create an account here so that I could add to the discussion.  This is my first post.  I’ll have lots more to say going forward -- I think... I’ve always been more of a lurker than a leader when it comes to forums -- but I find this topic fascinating, personal, and very relevant for me right now.

 

I’d start by amplifying the comments of several others that you should give things some time with your girlfriend, as this is a very new concept for her.  I’ve been with my wife for almost 30 years, and we’ve gone through a series of fetish growth stages, the latest of which only occurred a few weeks ago.  All along the journey, I’ve been the one with the fetish -- her wetting , me wetting, omo, some diapers -- and she’s been a faithful partner who’s typically gone from reluctant, to accommodating, to downright enthusiastic about playing my games with me.  Through it all, we’ve maintained a vigorous sex life, engaging in what we now refer to as NPS -- “normal people sex” -- a good bit of the time, and naughty sex when one or both of us is feeling a bit randy.

 

The first observation I’ll make is that my wife’s default tastes are very vanilla, but I work hard to love her the way she needs it.  She sees my needs as very much a “magic button”: she knows she can text me about peeing in her pants and I’ll come home hard and horny as a goat, which then gets her excited.  She’s never come to like peeing in her pants for herself, but she loves what it does to me, so there’s a very positive feedback loop when she does it.  I’ve also managed to take advantage of the fact that she’s a neat freak: a diaper is a great way to deal with the wet spot in bed, so having one around “purely for sanitary reasons” is now almost a given.  Gives me an extra cheap thrill, and the bed stays fresh.  Win-win.  In the same way, I’ve become a master of working her vibrator for her, but it does nothing for me.  This combination means we’ve both figured out how to get each other off, which makes it all mutually enjoyable.  She sometimes wishes she had a magic button as powerful as mine, but I’ve found that there’s a bit of Pavlovian conditioning that has worked in her.  I said she doesn’t love wetting -- it doesn’t do anything for her -- but she has some particular jeans that I like to see wet, and now when she puts them on, she gets aroused.  Because she knows what’s coming.  Great sex and two very happy people.

 

 So I’d give it some time and think of it as a way to deepen your relationship with your girlfriend, not make her a convert.  She doesn’t have to love it, but if she loves you, it will become a part of how she pushes your buttons.

 

 

  

Link to comment
On 3/1/2019 at 2:05 PM, mad the cat said:

So do any of you have any ideas on how to deal with this? Maybe some people also have non-omo partners? Is it as irrational as I keep telling myself it is? It's usually enough to just enjoy it by oneself, right?

No matter if you have or had non-omo partners or not, or maybe if you've ever considered telling your partner, if you have any opinions on this, please share them here or as a DM if you'd prefer that, I'd really love some input for discussion.

Tbh I am really surprised you didn't open up to her sooner than 8 years into relationship (just my perception, but I would tell about all my kinky side before even committing to a serious relationship), and I didn't read 2 pages of comments, so may be someone already suggested something similar, but are you both strictly monogamous, even play wise? Like you know, my wife and I have some kinks we share, and some we don't, so to make everyone happy, we are comfortable with each of us pursuing and having separate play partners to satisfy our "wants" that we can't  or aren't comfortable to fulfill for each other, or simply want to fulfill with more than one partner. We're not really pursuing other lifetime romantic relationships, as we're pretty content with each other in that regard, and we don't want to leave each other for anyone else, but otherwise we don't see why we should deprive each other fulfilling our kinky and other desires with other people. We're happy for each other than one of us find someone enjoyable to play with. But we're both quite poly, so I understand it wouldn't work for everyone. Have you ever tested your girlfriend's reacting on the idea of at least light polyamory and some fetish play with others?

Link to comment
On 3/8/2019 at 9:47 PM, youromofantasy said:

Hey, so I definitely didn't read all of the replies to this, and I apologize if my hot take is just more of the same.  🙂

It took me seven years to tell my husband, and that had nothing to do with him in the least and everything to do with my deep sense of self-hatred and shame.  I grew up assuming that I'd never get married because I never thought I'd meet someone whom I'd feel comfortable telling, and I refused to marry someone whom I couldn't tell.  He proposed after two years, and I said yes, because I knew I could tell him.  But then I made him wait to get married for another five years (that sounds bad, but he was cool with my reasoning...we bought a house together first and started our respective careers and we aren't having kids so it wasn't a rush).  I wouldn't let him go through with marrying me without knowing exactly what he was getting himself into.

It took a lot of alcohol and hysterical crying for me to get it out.  Now, my situation is different in that he just laughed at (with) me and said, "That's it???  That was the big deal?!  Babe, you're tame."

That's not really relevant to your original question, just while I was skimming, I saw mention that it was a red flag you didn't tell her sooner.  I don't think it was a red flag on the relationship at all and likely not a commentary on her as a person or the bond you share with her, but, of course, my opinion is colored by my own personal experience.

Okay. I have a little bit more time now, so I'd love to reply to some of your excellent points. 🙂

It's really nice to know that I'm not the only one who needed basically forever to tell their partner. And like you felt back then I also think that it didn't take me this long to tell her because I didn't trust her, but more because I was just ashamed of it. There's no need to be, but that's just how I felt. But of course that's just my subjective opinion, so for me there's no way of telling if it really was like that, or if it was a red flag like someone suggested before.

Also, that's an extremely great reaction by your husband. He seems to be a great guy. 😄

On 3/8/2019 at 9:47 PM, youromofantasy said:

Here's the relevant shit:  You just told her.  How she feels about it today is not necessarily how she's going to feel about it however long down the road.  I'm not saying she'll ever change her mind about participation, but I will say that it's all in what you get used to, and humans have the extraordinary capability to get used to anything.  Ever find yourself doing something you swore you'd never do?  Same concept.  She's just not used to the idea yet.  It's not normal yet.  But someday, it will be completely normalized in her mind.  If she's as awesome and accepting as you say, and I believe she is, she'll eventually get used to the idea that it's just a part of who you are and nothing to be seen as odd or gross or different.  If she has any capacity for compersion, she may even find it cute or endearing how much you enjoy it, once it's no longer such new information to her.   

I'm certainly not saying this will happen to her, please don't take it that way at all, but as an example on getting used to things... I had always been repulsed by watersports my whole life, to the point that I'd never even tried wetting myself until last year because I have clinical OCD and I am compulsively fastidious about personal hygiene.  Now, not only will I have my own accidents, but I relished it when a playmate and I, um, had a fully-clothed exchange of fluids.  I've had (many, heh) fantasies of another playmate who once suggested that on a future playdate he may undo my jeans and pee into them while I'm forced to keep holding through it.  I've also oddly stopped showering after an accident.  I won't go so far as to stay in wet clothes, but I don't always rinse off either (*blushes*).  Two years ago the thought of that would have made me nauseous.  It was only my immersion in the online omo community that helped normalize my own fetish in my own mind.  Now, it's just another Tuesday afternoon.

Yeah, that's true. I still think it's quite likely that her opinion about this will not change. It's just her way of thinking and there might be no changing that. But you're absolutely right, this is a pretty new and pretty big information to her. It will most likely take some getting used to.

By the way, if you have a clinical OCD focussing on personal hygiene, being able to do stuff like that, even with partners, and being able to enjoy it without your OCD messing with your head is a HUGE thing. I'm sure this took a lot of work, and it's amazing that you can do that now. I hope you're proud of it, because you really can be.

On 3/8/2019 at 9:47 PM, youromofantasy said:

I'm also about to get super real on you.  You mentioned that after eight years, you've gotten used to each other and the heat in the bedroom has mellowed.  This is very important...  Omo is the same way!  Right now it feels like such a disadvantageous situation that you don't foresee ever getting to participate in person with her.  I am here to tell you (*waves* hey there) omo gets just as old, especially with the same partner.  Whereas one year ago I was over the fucking moon that my husband regularly volunteers to hold and wet for me and it was everything I'd ever dreamed of, I legitimately turned him down last week (another thing I thought I'd never do!).  I went from being ever-so-grateful for every bit of omo play I could get from him to it being just a regular Sunday in the Marin household.  What you're craving is the honeymoon phase, and that doesn't last forever, even with omo (and I say that as a complete omo-sexual, meaning absolutely nothing can get me off except omo).

I completely agree. I know it's perfectly normal for the charm to "wear off" after some time. I know what I'm craving is the honeymoon phase (perfect way of putting it, by the way). So yes, the thought of my girlfriend agreeing to try omo stuff with me does seem like a dream come true. But that doesn't mean we don't enjoy the sex we have anymore. Even if things have "cooled off" somewhat, I still love sleeping with her, and I know she feels the same way. And while it seems hard to believe for me right now, it sounds perfectly reasonable that even omo would get "old" after a while. That's just the way people work. Thank you though, it's these kinds of reational thoughts and spoken truth that really help a lot.

It's awesome that your husband was down to live your omo side with you though. Did he agree to it right away or did it take him some time to get used to it?

On 3/8/2019 at 9:47 PM, youromofantasy said:

I'll leave you with one last thought.  Omo does not require touching.  It does not inherently require a connection.  It can absolutely be the most transactional thing on the planet, if you organize it as such.  You never have to discuss the sexual aspect of it if you don't want to.  Just cause y'all know what the other's doing afterwards in your own separate homes doesn't mean you need to be explicit about it!  Definitely give your girlfriend lots and lots of processing time first, but have you considered at some point in the future maybe making an online omo friend?  Skype or FaceTime or whatever is almost as good as the real deal.  I don't know how she'd feel about you doing that, or how you'd feel looking for that particular connection elsewhere.  I know you mentioned she was scared (hence giving it so, so much time before bringing it up if you choose to), but it might be a happy medium if she truly is and remains that put-off by the idea of trying it.  I have a fair amount of online omo friends and my relationship with each of them is different, so I know you can make it anything you want it to be.  I have some that I keep things strictly PG with, and I have some that I've gotten comfortable enough with to get downright explicit.  I have some that I've met in person and some that live halfway around the world.  The possibilities are endless.  I will warn you to check your feelings at the door though, because that shit can really get complicated if you're not careful, but we're all adults here and communication is key.  Just make sure your friend knows under no uncertain terms that you don't mean to get involved in that fashion and you should be golden

This is something that, at least as of now, she would most likely not be okay with. She does get pretty jealous when it comes to "direct competition", even if it doesn't require touching or any kind of physical connection actually. She already said that she wished she could allow me to try omo stuff with someone else, but she feels like she wouldn't be able to deal with it if it came to that. So there's a good chance that she might not like the thought of me trying it on Skype with someone either, but we haven't talked about that yet. And even if she was okay with it, I think I'd also have to become A LOT more confident about my kink to be able to actually try it.

On 3/8/2019 at 9:47 PM, youromofantasy said:

and you should be golden (lololol).

Oh my god, you did not just do that. 🤣

 

Thank you so much once again for your take on this. This has been extremely helpful, it really means a lot to me.

 

 

9 hours ago, Toady567 said:

It’s good natured ribbing.

That might not be a bad thing then. If it's a friendly, teasing way of making fun of it, it means that she's not ashamed of you for liking it and has accepted it as your kink.

 

 

5 hours ago, Dtravis said:

Tbh I am really surprised you didn't open up to her sooner than 8 years into relationship (just my perception, but I would tell about all my kinky side before even committing to a serious relationship), and I didn't read 2 pages of comments, so may be someone already suggested something similar, but are you both strictly monogamous, even play wise? Like you know, my wife and I have some kinks we share, and some we don't, so to make everyone happy, we are comfortable with each of us pursuing and having separate play partners to satisfy our "wants" that we can't  or aren't comfortable to fulfill for each other, or simply want to fulfill with more than one partner. We're not really pursuing other lifetime romantic relationships, as we're pretty content with each other in that regard, and we don't want to leave each other for anyone else, but otherwise we don't see why we should deprive each other fulfilling our kinky and other desires with other people. We're happy for each other than one of us find someone enjoyable to play with. But we're both quite poly, so I understand it wouldn't work for everyone. Have you ever tested your girlfriend's reacting on the idea of at least light polyamory and some fetish play with others?

A lot of what I just replied to youromofantasy applies to your post as well, so I'm gonna leave it at that. There have been a lot of interesting thoughts in your post as well though, so thank you very much for your input. 🙂

It's pretty cool that you and your wife have a level of trust that allows you to engage in activities with other partners without jealousy getting the better of any of you. This is definitely something to cherish!

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
Link to comment

That was really brave of you. Building up the courage to tell your partner about something you've been keeping to yourself and being open about it. And it was good that you're alright with her not into this sorta thing. Love is about committing to be with someone, not because you have the same fetishes. Thanks for sharing this with us. And it would be a lesson for everyone in this community.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Hope things are going well with you and your girlfriend.  My first post got lost in the shuffle up above as a new member here, but I went through some similar experiences.  I waited for a long time to tell my wife — after we got married — and still held things back, only revealing my deepest and darkest fantasies over time.  She’s a bit of an OCD clean freak, and when I first told her I wanted to watch her wet her pants, she was an interesting mix of disgusted and angry at me not telling her sooner.  Didn’t take long for her to give it a go, and we eventually added it as a regular bit of spice in our sex life.  Over time, we’ve added more stuff, and each time, she’s asked me why I didn’t ask sooner, so I think the issue has been with me, not her.  I was ashamed to ask for it, primarily because I wanted to be “normal” for her.  Now she laments that she doesn’t have a magic button that gets her off as reliably as wetting get me...

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...