WaityKaty 1,171 Posted November 15, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted November 15, 2017 Have you ever heard someone use the phrase "I'll eat my hat" to express extreme confidence in an outcome? My fiance Mary-Beth has a different saying for such an occasion, "I'll piss my britches." She's the only person I've ever heard say that, but then she grew up like five states away and says a heap of other weird things like "more than Carter’s got little pills", and "if the creek don't rise", so I guess it's probably a pretty normal thing to say somewhere. She uses it when she is absolutely certain that something isn't going to happen; "I'll piss my britches if your sister is on time for dinner", "I'll piss my britches if Comcast ever call me back like they promised." You get the drift. A couple of weeks ago we were sitting down on the couch with a jumbo bag of potato chips and a couple of six-packs to watch a college football match between our respective Alma Maters. Neither of us care that much about football but it's a good excuse to drink at home. Beers with football, normal. Beers with a Stranger Things binge, not normal. Now my school is pretty garbage at football. They play in a major conference but they are really a basketball school. If they have a winning season and get invited to the Advocare V100 Texas bowl it's a banner year. This was not turning out to be a banner year. Mary-Beth's school on the other hand competes for national titles. It's not really a fair match-up. But I still made the effort to talk some smack. She was having none of it. "If your team wins I'll piss my britches." It's a pretty good saying for shutting me down. It was a good game. My team hung tough and was only behind eleven points after three quarters and cruising to a respectable performance, but after an unlikely punt return and a series of unexpected catches they somehow scored twice and found themselves three ahead with five minutes left. I think everyone still expected Mary-Beth's team to march down the field and disappoint the gallant underdogs, but against the odds their drive stalled and a 51 yard field-goal attempt to send the game to extra-time faded wide right. Once again, I don't really care about football, but I figured now would be a good chance to tease my fiance about it. "I guess you're going to have to pee yourself then." I said playfully. "I'm going to have to what?" She was sure she hadn't heard me right. "Well you said if my team won you were going to, and I quote, "piss my britches"." She glared at me, "It wasn't a bet! It's a figure of speech. Something like "I'd be so surprised I'd piss my britches."" "And were you so surprised that you pissed your britches?" I asked rhetorically with a meaningful stare at the clearly dry crotch of her faded old blue jeans. "Well no. I don't actually do that." "And have you ever seen anybody so surprised by an outcome that they wet themselves." She seemed a little unsure of where I was going, "Well... no..." "Because," I held up my hand and spoke like a television trial attorney giving closing arguments "I'm fairly sure no one has ever been so surprised by something that they wet themselves." "We threw a surprise party for my aunt May when I was a girl and she was so surprised she made a big old puddle right there on her rug!" Mary-Beth said in triumph. "Irrelevant!" I discarded her testimony with a shake of my head, "Aunt May was shocked by the unexpected cries of "surprise" from a house she believed vacant. It was not the surprise of her friends and relatives having a party in her honor that wrought that rug puddle." Mary-Beth thought it over for a second. "Fine. I guess you're right. Maybe it is meant to be a bet." "In which case." I held a finger aloft in triumph, "You have to pee your pants." "Really? You really want me to pee my pants." "Of course. A bet is a bet." I did not, in fact, want her to pee her pants. I was just making fun of her weird nonsensical sayings. I do it all the time. She pretends to be annoyed. She stood up suddenly and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" I asked in my normal voice, worried I'd gone too far and pissed her off. "Well I'm not going to do it on the dang couch." She rolled her eyes at me and kept walking. I jumped up and followed her into the kitchen where she stood facing me in the center of the linoleum floor. "I hope you know you're cleaning this up." She said coolly. And before I could tell her to stop and that I was only joking a wet patch was rapidly growing on her jeans. She peed so hard and so fast her pee was forcing its way through the denim and falling in sheets down her legs and onto her bare feet and the lino. "This feels so dang weird! I ain't pissed myself since I was three years old!" I was speechless. When she was done she did a little pirouette on the spot, the back of her legs were as uniformly dark as the front. "There. I done pissed my britches!" She undid her belt buckle and left her soaked jeans and panties on the floor. "You go on and clean up now, I'm having a shower." She said sweetly. I did clean up. She showered. And we didn't bring it up again. She had certainly called my bluff. That said I did expect her to stop using the phrase, or at least so cavalierly, but if anything she says it now more than ever. Bismiris, Theonlysaneperson, AliasnameTO and 5 others 8 Quote Link to comment
Melificentfan 1,215 Posted November 15, 2017 ✨ Legendary Member Share Posted November 15, 2017 That was excellent Quote Link to comment
Weasel 1,097 Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Heh. That was cute. Quote Link to comment
Manowar 170 Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Amazing. Fantastic story. I like the expression "if something happend I'll pee my britches". It is like "if something (...), there will be cactus growing on my hand". But, as we can see now, for some reason the " just a sentece" might change into a bet... BTW - who won the game? ? Quote Link to comment
WaityKaty 1,171 Posted November 16, 2017 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 On 11/15/2017 at 3:57 PM, Manowar said: Amazing. Fantastic story. I like the expression "if something happend I'll pee my britches". It is like "if something (...), there will be cactus growing on my hand". But, as we can see now, for some reason the " just a sentece" might change into a bet... BTW - who won the game? ? Cactus growing on my hand? That's a new one for me! Narrator's team did. :) I hope I described an exciting American football game decently and didn't sound like someone who has watched maybe three games in her life. Quote Link to comment
Manowar 170 Posted November 16, 2017 Share Posted November 16, 2017 7 minutes ago, WaityKaty said: Cactus growing on my hand? That's a new one for me! Narrator's team did. :) I hope I described an exciting American football game decently and didn't sound like someone who has watched maybe three games in her life. Don't worry. I have watched maybe half of the game... Quote Link to comment
mad_mick_atat 23 Posted December 5, 2017 Share Posted December 5, 2017 Great Story! A similar story could be done with a bet or a game where two women compete against each other, everyone of them absolutely confident to win and they spur each other with more and more daring forfeits for the loser and finally they sit there and play or watch while knowing that one of them will end up in completely pee-soaked pants. Or done ase a drinking-game with non-alcoholic drinks when everytime losing a round means a glas of water - until the loser finally loses bladder-control. Quote Link to comment
Bravestone 375 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Cute story! Liked it. Quote Link to comment
desperatewet 152 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Well written. You're a good storyteller. Good job! Quote Link to comment
AliasnameTO 335 Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 (edited) *obligatory "holy shit what a necro"* I went to school with a really cute girl who talked with a Tennessee twang, and although she wasn't quite this folksy, I can totally imagine her doing this. I love it! Edited December 14, 2018 by AliasnameTO (see edit history) Quote Link to comment
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