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This was supposed to be my Halloween story for the year.  I rushed through much of the writing process but still finished a week late.

 

Strange things happen on Halloween.  That's what they always say.  You believe it when you're a kid.  As you get older and more sensible Halloween doesn't feel so strange.  It's easy to think there's nothing remotely magical or exciting about this holiday.  It's just another day.  I'm here to tell you that's wrong.  The strangest thing that ever happened to me happened last Halloween.  There's magic and mystery out there.  Maybe one year you'll see it yourself.

It all started with a really dull party.  My social life isn't what it used to be.  I'm losing touch with my high school buddies and not meeting many new people.  Not interesting people that is.  So I didn't have plans for Halloween until one of my neighbors invited me to his party.  We're not close friends, in fact he always seemed dull to me, but a party's a party.  What did I have to lose?

It turned out his friends are even duller than him.  To make it worse the only woman who showed up was his wife.  It was a good thing I didn't waste any time or money putting together a costume.  I just came in jeans and a tee.  I did make sure the sleeves were short enough to show my spider tattoo because it's relevant to the holiday.

The party started so early there were still trick-or-treaters coming to the door.  I was waiting to get into the only bathroom when the doorbell rang.  And rang.  And rang.  Since nobody was answering it and the bathroom wasn't opening up anytime soon I decided I might as well be the candy guy this once.  After handing out a treat to every kid in the group I went back to where I was waiting just in time to see somebody new go into the bathroom.  I'd have to wait even longer.  It was at that point I decided I needed to leave this party.  But first I wanted to have a good reason to leave so I wouldn't offend anybody.  I also wanted to have an empty bladder but that wasn't essential.

The doorbell rang again and I decided to be the candy guy for the time being.  I spent a while pacing back and forth across the porch because I hate sitting still when I'm overdue for the bathroom.  I passed out candy when kids showed up and I searched my brain for a good excuse to ditch the party.  As luck would have it the excuse came to me.

One of the trick-or-treaters was a fully-grown blonde.  She didn't have any kids with her and she sure looked like she was past trick-or-treating age but she was dressed up and going door to door.  She was a lovely milk maid right out of a children's picture book.  Except for the cleavage.  And the short skirt.  Actually she wasn't much like a picture from a children's book but she sure looked great.  I made sure to tell her that when she got to the porch.

"Thanks," she said like she was bored with compliments.  She held out a pail and I wasn't about to tell her she was too old to get candy.  About the time I gave her a Snickers she noticed the tattoo on my arm and she suddenly turned friendly.

"Ooh!" she cooed as her sky-blue eyes lit up.  "Artful mark!"

"Thanks" I said, and I started telling the funny story that went with the tattoo.

"I thought I'd find someone in this neighborhood," she said, ignoring my babbling.  "Are you ready to go to a real party?"  She flashed her pearly whites and I was ready to go anywhere she told me.

I went in for my coat, made a polite excuse, and ditched that popsicle stand.  Before long the milk maid was leading me to a part of town I didn't really know.  It wasn't a short walk either.  It was pretty dark before we even got near the place.

"Where is this party?" I eventually asked.  "Whose party is it anyway?"

She told me the name of the hostess but I'm gonna leave everybody's name out for reasons you'll find out later.  All she said about the locale was that it was "a well-kept secret" and "truly enchanting."

That milk maid wasn't exaggerating.  It was an underground venue.  Literally.  She led me through a foggy forest up to a giant gnarled tree.  She gave the trunk a special knock and someone let us in.  I didn't even notice the door was there until it creaked open.  She exchanged brief pleasantries with the mime who opened the door and we went down a dark narrow staircase until we came to a big candle-lit room.

This was one hell of a place to throw a Halloween party.  It was a man-made grotto lined with stones, mirrors, and natural wood.  It was big enough that about a dozen people were standing around but there was still plenty of space.  The floor was a circular mosaic of colored stones.  The ceiling had a chandelier of tree roots with lanterns and glowing fungi hanging from it.  There were alcoves filled with flasks, jars, crystals, scepters, bones, and other spooky paraphernalia.  There were dark holes in the wall leading to unseen chambers.  It was exciting.  It was spooky.  I hadn't got this kinda rush from a Halloween party since I was 9.  But the real thrills and chills were still to come.

Once I'd had a little time to recover from the shock and awe I remembered I had something to take care of.

"Have you been here before?" I asked my lovely new friend.

"Yes."

"Can you point me to the bathroom?"

"Not yet.  This mistress runs a strict ceremony.  I wouldn't even think about asking for a bathroom break 'til after the opening ritual."

It was a pretty intense theme party.  The costumes were all over the map but everybody was really into the Halloween spirit.  All the conversations were about spirits and magic and make-believe junk.

Once all the guests had arrived there were about 10 men and 10 women, all of them looking college-aged.  Everybody but me had a costume and they all seemed to know what to do at this party.  I was really starting to feel out-of-the-loop.

They all applauded when the mistress walked out of a dark tunnel.  She was a tall and intimidating but very attractive woman dressed like a black cat complete with contacts that made her pupils look narrow.

After telling the mime to lock the door she said "Make yourselves decent."  Before I knew it she'd taken off her ears, tail, and cat-suit and I was staring at a naked woman.

I turned to ask the milk maid if this normally happened at her Halloween parties and I got an eyeful of her too.  Everybody there was taking off their clothes.  I noticed that each of them had a creepy-crawly tattooed somewhere on their body.  There were spiders, striped rattlesnakes, and bats with pterodactyl wings.

It looked like people were taking out their contacts but then it looked like they were putting cat eye contacts in.  It was really puzzling.  It seemed almost like everyone had green cat eyes underneath normal-looking contacts.  Then they started wiping off their makeup.  Everybody but the mime.  This was topsy-turvy.  This was like a dream.  All of them were wearing flesh-colored makeup over really pale skin.  Only the mime had been showing his true complexion. I wanted to leave or at least ask what the hell was going on but I didn't want to be a party pooper.

"Take off your costume," said the nude woman who was formerly a milk maid.

"What costume?" I asked.

She cocked her head and narrowed her eyes.  That look a grown-up gives a kid that's being silly.

"Your mortal costume."

I just stood there speechless.

"You brought a stray in," accused a naked man who'd been a pirate a moment ago.

"Of course I didn't!" the blonde defended, and said what tribe I belonged to.

"I'm not with a tribe," I contradicted.  "You know something?  I think I oughta leave."

By this time everybody was staring at me, even the naked cat lady.

"If you're not of the tribe why do you bear the mark?" someone asked.

"What, this?" I asked, pointing to my ink. "It's just a tattoo."

"It's a spider with 10 legs," said the blonde emphatically.

"It doesn't mean anything," I explained.  "Just looks cool."  I laughed nervously.  "Got it at this place on 5th.  Funny story..."

"Real spiders have 8 legs!  A 10-legged spider is an arcane mark just like a 6-fingered bat or a coral snake with a rattle."

"I don't think the artist knew much about spiders."

I winced when I felt something on the back of my neck.  A brunette who'd been dressed as a Spanish dancer had just licked me.  "He is a mortal!" she announced angrily.

"Throw this trash out!" yelled a red-headed man who'd been dressed as a Highlander.

"No!" said the cat woman.  "He's seen too much."

The milk maid talked back to her mistress.  "It doesn't matter.  Nobody's gonna believe him."

"He'll find the den again."

"We can just move."

"I'm not filling in a perfectly good den!  Treat him with the fog of forgetfulness!"

"The fog of forgetfulness never works right," scoffed the naked Scotsman.  He didn't seem to have a lot of respect for the mistress either.

"We'd better torture him a little," suggested the Spanish dancer.

"Yeah and torture him a lot more if he tells our secrets," added the milk maid.

"Hey!" I said.  "I thought you were on my side."

"It's nothing personal," the milk maid assured me with a soft voice and gentle expression.  "You just need to be hurt in horrible ways to make sure we stay safe."

"What about the brew?" asked the mime, who hadn't spoken yet.

"Good thinking!" the mistress said.  "A mortal fell into our laps. It would be foolish to let him leave without extracting the ingredient."

"I'll take you to a safe place while we debate what to do with you," said the milk maid.

"Will you take me to the bathroom first?" I asked.

"Out of the question," she sternly snapped.

I was led to a dark chamber and locked inside a metal cage.  I was thankful that there was a wooden stool because I'd been on my feet for quite a while by that point and I knew that sitting on the cold stone floor would be torture for my full bladder.

I stayed in there for hours in a terrible state of anxious uncertainty.  Would they torture me?  Kill me?  I listened for signs.  I couldn't make out many words.  I heard bickering which eventually calmed down.  After the silence I heard what sounded like dramatic monologs alternated with chanting and singing.  That must've been the ritual.  After an hour or so it reached a climax and there was silence again.  A few minutes later there were quiet murmurs and then footsteps on stone.  My heart was heavy with dread and my bladder was bursting with pee.  

After lots of suspense the curtain to my prison whipped open and half a dozen cat-eyed women stood in the opening leering at me menacingly.  To add insult to injury they caught sight me holding myself due to my extreme need for a bathroom.  A couple of them giggled and the mistress scorned me.

"Only 2 hours in the cage and you have to make water so badly that you're holding your male member?  Pathetic!  I knew mortals were weak but this is disgraceful.  The last boy in the cage was 5 years old and even he controlled himself better than you."

"Yeah he didn't wet himself 'til we shoved him in the oven," commented the Spanish dancer.  They all laughed uproariously.  I hoped that meant she was joking.

"Hold still," the milk maid ordered as she unlocked the cage.  A black hood was pulled over my head and I was led through a tunnel.

"Where are we going?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"The kitchen," one of the women answered with a tone of barely-restrained glee.  It wasn't a very reassuring answer.

"What's going to happen there?" I asked as a follow-up.

"We're adding an ingredient," someone said.  That answer was even less encouraging.  I decided I was better off not asking questions.

After walking a little ways they jerked me to a stop and yanked off my hood.  I was in a chamber lit only by a fire in a pit in the middle of the floor.  Sitting on top of the fire was a cast iron pot the size of a smart car full of a bubbling hot concoction.

This was really happening.  They were actually going to cook me.

I was instantly overcome with horror.  I tried to run away but two of the women held my upper arms like a pair of vices.  I struggled with all my strength but barely moved an inch in any direction.  I tried to kick free but another pair of women were crouched on the floor holding my legs.  

I was completely powerless.  That included my bladder control.  I didn't even notice at first because of the adrenaline rush but I was peeing my pants.  It probably started the second I saw the cauldron.  None of the pee was running down my legs because they were held so far apart but the bulge in my jeans was soaking wet and glistening in the orange light of the fire and I could see a little shining stream running straight down to the floor.

The next thing that happened was a crazy surprise.  The milk maid had carried her pail into the kitchen.  Now she joined the other two women on the floor and held the pail under the leak I'd sprung.  That made me even more embarrassed about my accident but I couldn't stop it.  The blood-warm liquid just poured out of me while the milk maid watched closely to make sure she caught it all.

Each of the girls in the room was restraining me or collecting my pee except for the mistress.  She just stood next to the pot with a maniacal grin on her face and watched me humiliate myself.

After about a minute that felt like about an hour my bladder had exhausted its supply and I was just dripping into the bucket instead of pouring.

"This is plenty," the milk maid said.  With those words spoken the other women let go of me.  The milk maid stood up and handed the bucket to her mistress but not before dipping a finger inside and bringing it to her lips.  "Very concentrated.  It'll do nicely."

"Thank you for your contribution," the mistress told me.  "The urine of a mortal is a crucial ingredient in this particular brew."

"Why didn't you just tell me?" I asked timidly.  "I would've gladly peed for you."

"This was more fun," the mistress said with a smile like a snake.  "You may go now.  Never return to this part of the woods.  Tell no one our names or the location of our den.  We can find you anytime we want.  If you misbehave we'll make your life so scary you'll wet your pants every day."

The mime showed me out and I ran away from that tree as fast as I could.  When I was out of the woods I made a bee-line for home.  I was thankful it was the middle of the night so nobody was around to see the big wet spot on my pants.

I never went back to that forest and I never told anyone the important facts about those people or their den.  I had to tell you the story though.  It's Halloween and this is the scariest story I've got."

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