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autism and feeling like dying

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Ghost13    46
Posted (edited)

i have autism. im living with my girlfriend of several years. every time i get upset, no one helps me. i read online it says to reach out to friends. i try and get ignored. if i get frustrated at school i am mocked. i get sad at home and i cry alone.

i dont know how to help myself. all i can do is cry until i cant anymore, then bottle my emotions up for the next meltdown. i wish i could just curl up and die.

how do i help myself? how do i live a fulfilling life when i can barely function?

edit: i see this needs to be approved by a mod. i didnt realize the advice forum was so heavily moderated. its fine just delete this post

Edited by Ghost13

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I also have autism and when I was in school I used to go though this same thing more or less. One of the best ways I have found that helps is to have some way to vent your emotions and relax your mind. For me it's playing video games that helps me cool down and relax. For you it could be anything from reading a book to having a shower. It's different for everyone but once you find what it is, it will help a lot.

Another good thing like OmoCommando said is to take life one step at a time. Instead of focusing super hard on your long term goals, focus more on the here and now. Instead of focusing on bad things that happen, hold on to the little things that make you happy.

I hope that helps.

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OmoCommando    2,051

I don't think I've seen someone so succinctly describe the stuff that I go through. I wish I had the answers for you, but at least I get what you're going through. When I lose it, most of my friends tend to blow it off as being overdramatic and I'm left to suffer alone. It sucks and most days I just wish it would end so I can just break the cycle of sadness.

But all I can really do is try to focus on getting to the next day. I think the first thing to do is cast aside any preconceptions of what you might consider to be a "fulfilling" life, because when that expectation isn't met, you're going to find yourself getting frustrated with life. Just... focus on what comes next, because that's really the best anyone can do.

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I'm not sure if it's much help in the instant that you're actually crying, since it can take a varying amount of time for people to respond, but I'm sure there's people on this site who'll be happy to be here for you if you need a bit of support from like-minded people (Omo-minded at the very least)... I have a few friends on the spectrum (I'm somewhere on there myself, but more the high-functioning aspergers side so not quite the same), and I don't see why other people seem to find it so hard to take people's concerns and pressures seriously (I mean it's not like you'd make up being that upset right?).

If you ever need someone to vent at you're free to use me for that (PM or whatever) - I can't promise to respond fast enough every time but might help to just write out what you're feeling and why to someone (even if you delete before sending), and I promise not to dismiss it offhand or judge or anything, I know that everyone experiences life differently and a lot of things that really get to me make no sense to anyone else so it's easy to see that others' problems might not make sense to me but in no way does that make them any less real...

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Ghost, you have my fullest sympathy. (Should you want it.) I don't have autism. I don't even know if I have depression. But I am going through something quite similar. Although perhaps not as strongly. 

For whatever reason, for years I have been unable to cry when in a sad situation. Maybe it is because I have been in so many, but when I am in a stressful situation, I cry easily. But when I am sad, I don't cry so people think I'm okay. I dress differently, so people think it's okay to take those things that make me different and play with them. People make fun of me because I accidentally left my computer open for five minutes and they go through all my files and misread something then ask me about it. They see the Fairy Tail background on my computer and ask "How's the hentai?" In case you didn't know, Fairy Tail is an anime and in western culture all anime is hentai simply because of fan-service. 

Sorry about the rant. But Ghost, I understand what you are going through. I don't have a solution, but I can tell you this. Find something you really enjoy and whenever you feel down, comfort yourself with that thing. Like a tv series. But know that you are not alone. Others suffer under the same burden. 

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OPencil    18

Ghost, I have Asperger's and I've been in a similar place. Basically, there are two possibilities.

1) You've reached rock bottom- it can only get better!

2) It could be worse!

I know these aren't the most comforting words. They probably sound patronising and insincere. But reaching out is the first step, y'know? At least you're aware of your emotions, and that's a surefire sign that you want to improve your life, and believe me, it's  going to get better.

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Fisk    102

My sister is autistic and I've witnessed her get over similar feelings. She had huge feelings inside her, but no way of handling them. I was actually the same back then, our family wasn't very supportive when it came to feelings. Our mother lived by the logic that all feelings are accepted, but negative feelings must be kept to oneself.

 

My sister had it really bad, because she doesn't speak the same language with other people. We share a verbal mother language, but she doesn't speak human. She doesn't have problems with sarcasm or metaphors (not all autists have), but she's still very exact with her words, and that's problematic, because usually people don't understand words as exactly as she does. When we were young, I kinda learned to be some kind of an autism-human-autism interpreter, and sometimes I just wanted to scream into people's faces: "Why won't you stupid cunts just listen to the words she uses, she chooses each and every one of them for a purpose". No one heard her. When she tried to explain her feelings to someone, they would interrupt her speech just to tell her how well they understand her, and when she would say that she doesn't feel understood, they just ignored her. Everyone claimed they understood her, but no one really did. Well, except for me, according to her.

 

She spent all her childhood and youth in this state called "defense mode". If you don't yet know what that is, google it. Understanding defense mode will greatly help you understand yourself. It can happen to any autist, and I don't know you, but it kinda sounds to me that you are currently living in constant defense mode.

 

I'd like to ask about your girlfriend, if that's okay. How much time do you usually spend together? Do you generally speak about feelings? How much have you talked to her about this? How well do you feel she understands you? When you have a conversation with her (about anything), do you feel comfortable afterwards; or annoyed, frustrated, misunderstood and not heard?

 

How's your life otherwise? You mentioned you go to school, do you feel like you're learning effectively, or do you forget everything you're supposed to be learning? Do you eat proper, healthy food? Do you sleep well? Do you have hobbies? Do you have stable routines in your daily life?

 

Do you think you could be depressed? Or do you suspect you may have some other diagnosis, besides autism? Has something happened to you that keeps bothering your mind, or do you just feel bad without any clear, external explanation? Do you have any idea what your problem's core is? Loneliness, perhaps? Or something else?

 

You don't have to answer any of these questions, but I'd love to hear about you so that I could offer you the little help I can. If you don't feel comfortable answering my questions here, feel free to send me a private message.

 

My sister's fine, by the way. I don't know if her feelings back then were the same feelings you're feeling right now, but her feelings can be described with the same words that you used to describe your feelings. She was very low, and now she's fine. She grew up, used a couple of years to sort herself out, and now she's on her way of becoming a chemist. She loves life, is happy and contributes to society enough to feel proud of herself. The change won't be instant, it will take time, but you CAN become like her.

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I'm so sorry about what youre going through! but as you can already see you have full support from youre friends here on omoOrg! the only advice i can give you has pretty much already ben said, but i'll say it in my own words cuz i want you to know that I'm here supporting you too. first, you really do need to vent some of youre feelings. i doubt anyone who commented here would ignore you if you sent a simple message explain your feelings. i you want to message me i'd be glad to listen and sympathize(if you want it). another thing you could benefit from is just relaxing. for me it's re-reading harry potter. maybe for you its  drinking tea or taking a bath or maybe even just reading all the encouraging comment people have left you. whatever it is, find it and use it as an outlet for all of you emotions.

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It hurts when that happens. Pain is a part of life and it comes and goes. I break down every couple of months. Usually I cry silently after some strong stimulus during a hormonal upturn. A couple times a year when my mind decides to assult me with every bad thing that has happened to me over the past years and my own inadequacy I sob loudly. I don't know much about autism unfortunately. Sharing online is sometimes cathartic and its anonymous which is a plus. I feel better if I actually let myself cry in private rather than fighting it. Sharing with strangers online and crying in private usually fixes it temporarily. Then watch something funny. 

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