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Chitoges Dreams (Nisekoi)


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Chitoge was about ready to lose it, Classes seem like they were taking forever today, her next period was lunch. She had dranken A LOT. Ranging from Coffee she had at breakfast, Her water bottle, and so on. Her bladder was seriously about to explode. This morning, she was not dreaming about raku for some reason she had a dream about making out with her best friend Kosaki, if she dreamed about kissing another girl, was she gay? She wasn’t concerned about that right now, She was doing everything she could to hold in her pee. She held her crotch has hard as she could squirming around in the seat, with her face a red. She was not about to wet herself at her age. Everyone stared at her, she could barely focus on what was going on in class. She already asked if she could go to the bathroom, but the teacher was very scrict, so she was very angry about that. She looked at the clock, there was only 5 minutes left, even though her whole bladder was in pain right now, she knew she could hold it. She then passed out, she was imaging she was in an open field where a toilet was there to sit on, in this dream, once she started sitting down on the toilet, the bell woke her up, she immediately took her purse, and ran. But since she was dreaming about actually making it to the toilet, it started by her feeling a warm sensation near her butt, she felt the warm pee making her panties very wet. She was in tears right now, everyone could see that she peed herself really bad, some pee was even still running down her legs, she needed to find Kosaki now, because she’s her best friend. She got down to the lunch room quickly, kosaki was sitting down at the table waiting for her, Kosaki could already see that she was crying. Chitoge was sat down, and the brunette hugged her as hard as she could.

 

“I hate to see you crying, Chitoge san, what’s the matter?”

 

“I peed myself!”

 

“Oh, no, that’s not good!” Kosaki replied “I have a extra pair of panties, for you, because i’m always afraid i’m gonna pee myself as well!”

 

The brunette lifted her skirt and saw that her panties were complety soaked but there was no stains on her skirt.

 

“Did you hear me? I have an extra pair of panties and the good news is that none got on your skirt!”

 

“I’m so glad that you’re my best friend, Kosaki san, and you know something? I had a dream about you last night!”

 

“Really? What happened?” Kosaki asked

 

“We um… uh...”

 

“We what?”

 

Chitoge didn’t say what it was but she raised her head up and now both chocolate and blue eyes stared at each other in awe. Chitoge gave Kosaki a kiss on the lips.

 

“I love you! Do you love me?”

 

“I love you too Chitoge san, forever and always”

 

I wanted to write a better Nisekoi Omorashi fanfic than for you guys because the other one i wrote was horrible, and in the replies, can one of you tell me how to remove posts from this site? because i really want to delete some other post.

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No writer goes from newb to pro in a day. This one is better than the last, though. I'll focus on grammar, because everything else is built upon knowing how to be understood.

"Chitoge was about ready to lose it, Classes seem like they were taking forever today, her next period was lunch."

Do you see anything off here? You have words arranged in what's basically three sentences, recognizing that the middle one is a separate thought by capitalizing "Classes." But it's all combined with commas, which makes a run-on or comma-splice. There are ways to make more complex sentences, but it's better to get simple ones down first. Revised:

"Chitoge was about ready to lose it. Classes seem[ed] like they were taking forever today. Her next period was lunch."

The next two sentences have the opposite problem-- you put a period between them in a way that makes a fragment, which I underlined.

" She had [drunk] A LOT. Ranging from Coffee she had at breakfast, Her water bottle, and so on. "

The first part is fine. The underlined part, however, needs fixing. You can either combine it with the first somehow, or put a subject in there. An example might be "Her liquids that day ranged from coffee..." and that would fix the grammar.

^^Just some things to chew on. I did like the imagery of her temporarily questioning her sexuality before the urgency overwhelmed her thoughts. And waking up from pee dreams to wetting oneself is always an adorable scenario. :D

Edited by AliasnameTO (see edit history)
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