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Chitoge just made it (Nisekoi)


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It was wenesday morning, Chitoge woke up late she was having a wet dream about Raku and she was mad that she was interrupted from that dream. Chitoge quickly got dressed and headed out to the bus, but she had dranken lots of water the night before, now she had a total full bladder, and it was small as well. Chitoges best friend, Kosaki was sitting next to her, and wondered what was wrong. Chitoge was trying to hold it in as hard as she could, holding her arms in between her legs, her groin started to get sore and her face was bright red. However the bus ride ended quicker than she thought, she immendetly ran off the bus headed to the girls bathroom, Kosaki came with her. Chitoge got to a stall just in time, she pulled down her panties which she nearly soaked with piss, sat her squishy butt on the toilet seat, and she peed out her vagina. Once she was finished, she flushed, she saw that kosaki was outside, kosaki waited for her to wash her hands, and once she finished washing her hands, Kosaki gave the blonde a big hug.

Chitoge started hugging back, and kosaki said "You really had to pee huh?"

"I sure did, Kosaki san! Thankfully Rakus not on our..."

"It's okay I won't tell him that you almost peed yourself, i'm your best friend!"

"Thank you, Kosaki san"

So with that, the blonde and the brunette broke the hug, then they headed off to their first class.

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Nobody wants to hear this about something they worked hard on, but in an objective sense, the writing here is pretty bad. And that's okay! :) Everyone's writing sucks when they are just starting out, which I get the feeling you are. Here are a few tips that might help.

Your first sentence is a run-on. It has too many parts all crammed into one sentence. Try separating it as such:

"It was Wednesday morning. Chitoge woke up late. She had had a wet dream (can girls have wet dreams?) about Raku and she was mad that she was interrupted from that dream."

But that says nothing about the style. You might have heard the immortal tidbit of writing "Show, don't tell." If the reader is supposed to imagine something, you can't get away with saying it directly.

"Chitoge's best friend, Kosaki, was sitting next to her, and wondered what was wrong. "

The first part of this is fine. But you are writing from Chitoge's perspective, and she presumably can't read minds. You have to use another way to let us know Kosaki wondered what was wrong. It could be as simple as Kosaki watching her movements and literally asking, "What's wrong?" but it has to be something.

Anyway, this should give you a bit to chew on. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors. Omorashi is a great motivator and inspiration for the writer's art. :)

Edited by AliasnameTO (see edit history)
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