GadgetCereal 2,166 Posted March 17, 2017 🌟 OmoOrg VIP Popular Post Share Posted March 17, 2017 (edited) Story time: So after a long absence from writing, I made a second attempt on the turn of the new year, releasing an interactive story on here. I enjoy it and it's helped to put me back on track with writing, but I decided to get back into my favourite thing. Short stories. Now, I'm still really rusty after this absence and I'm well aware this story won't be 10/10 best story of the year, but I'm proud of the effort I've put into this and I want to share it with this great community. It's based in my own world which I created a few years ago, following one of my main characters, Yunoko Tanobi when she was a teenage thief. It's just a short detailing a small part of life. So enjoy. Also, feedback and improvement is greatly appreciated. Especially in regards to writing omorashi and general descriptive work. Edit: after a discussion with Moocom, it turns out yuri is acceptable in fiction, so I present my first effort at writing a yuri scene along with this. Again, feedback is appreciated. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Ask any thief, lowlife, or criminal in Monsai where the best place to get a strong drink, a warm bed, or a good woman all out of the vigilant gaze of the cities guard, they would always point you to one place: Taverne d'égout, a tavern hidden well in the bowels of the Monsai sewers, ran by an strict elderly lady known only as madam lamplight, frequented commonly by all manner of shifty folk. Those willing to make the trek through the filthy, rotten sewers would find themselves in the rowdiest, most rambunctious club in the cities underbelly, from dusk til’ dawn, noon til’ midnight, the lavish rooms of the Taverne d’egout surged with a tremendous atmosphere as loud jazz and drunken cheering filled the halls. Serving girls, scantily clad in golden thongs, their breasts exposed, roamed the lounge. For Yuka, this place was heaven, her home away from home where she spent her nights in the company of her fellow thieves, getting drunk, playing cards and on some special nights...in the bed of one of Taverne d’egout’s fine ladies. Tonight however, Yuka sat in the company of her friends, half sloshed on a crate of expensive wine and winning her share of their loot in a game of cards. “Haha! Read em’ and weep, losers!” She cheered, slamming down a royal flush onto the table. “Bring that gold my way!” The other gamblers slammed their cards down in anger. Yuka pulled in her prize, at least four hundred gold. “You guys just paid for an hour in the opium den tomorrow!” “That’s the fifth time in a row!” Saki slammed his own cards down. “I’m starting to think you’re pulling one over on us, Yunoko!” He was a short man, thinner than most with a head of greying hair. He was a man well past his prime, but still one of the best thieves in the city and one of Yuka’s best friends. “Me? Pulling one over on you, Saki? You know card tricks and sleight of hand are amateur tricks of the trade, right? I’m insulted you’d even insuate such a thing!” Yuka put on a mock expression of shock. She reached for her wine and took a sip. “Now quit checking out my fine tits and shuffle those cards!” “Gah...Anyway Yuka,” Saki began, his fingers running over the deck of cards. “me and a few of the boys were thinking of hitting up that giant boat in the port. You know the one, right? That freighter bringing in all those precious metals from Norsekar? Gold, silver, platinum, I’ve also heard a thing or two about some emeralds aboard it. But it’s all there, ripe for the taking once they turn the lights off for the night!” “It’s a tempting offer, but I have plans tonight with a very special lady.” “Oh really?” Saki peered up from his cards, a keen interest in his eyes. “Who is it today?” “The same girl it was the other day, and the same as the week before, and the week before that.” “You’re still spending time with Ania? The church girl? No idea what the fuck that girl sees in you, Yuka.” “You're kidding right? Have you seen me? There's a reason Madam Lamplights whores would rather have a romp on me than your frail old butt! Same for any other woman in this city! Her included.” Yuka was not a typical girl, appearance-wise, she was a girl of sixteen, but her shaggy and ragged blonde hair, and freckled cheeks made her look younger, and more boyish. Her skinny frame, at 6ft tall and undersized breasts didn’t help to show her softer female side. “I don't mean your looks. I mean that beautiful and charming personality that comes with you. Why a lady of the church would want a foul-mouthed, heavy-drinking, whore fucker like yourself...I’ll never know…” Saki laughed. He took a swig of his ale. “Saki, that’s the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me, but I’ll pass, I made a promise to Ania that I’d make her see heaven.” “You’re missing out, Yunoko.” Yuka downed her wine and got up from her place at the table. “Take it from a girl who’s been fucked by more than this cities law enforcement: No I ain’t.” She patted him on the shoulders. “You all have a good night. I’m cashing out.” In the dead of night, only thieves and lowlifes could be found wandering the streets of the merchant district. The perfect time of night for Yuka to be wandering the lonely passages and alleyways that made up Monsai’s merchant district. She made her way through the streets, warm summer air and the aroma of spiced meats filling the air. The lanterns on the walkway dimly lit, cloaking most of the market in shadows. The church was the largest building in the merchant district, towering over the small stores and trading centers beneath it. A grand and ancient structure that predated the founding of the city. To the simple people who merely gave the church a passing glance, it was a grand structure, held in high regard for its service to the gods, where miracles were performed and those who sought a life of philanthropy and virtue could call home. For the workers and poor of the Monsai’s lower districts however, the church was much more than that, it was a haven for folk with no place to go, no place to sleep. When they got sick or injured, it was the church who cured them of their ailments, doing their services free of charge to help their fellow man. Looking up at the carved stones and stained glass windows reminded Yuka of her first encounter with Ania, a tale befitting of a charming love story, the lone thief who turned up to the church one dark evening in winter, battered and bruised after a rough encounter. She made her own way through the cold streets to the church of the apostates, weak and weary. She collapsed before she made it through the door, awakening some time later by the warmth of a roaring fire, a guardian angel smiling down on her. That ‘guardian angel’ was a young apprentice named Ania Timora. Ania took care of Yuka over the winter, nursing her injuries and caring for her like a saint, tending to everything the young thief needed. A friendship bloomed between the girls, and quickly Yuka began to realize the feelings she had for the holy girl. After the cold winter passed and Yuka was free to leave, she had never felt the same. She went weak at the knees just thinking of that girl who had cared for her, her gentle smile, warm and delicate like that of a caring sister, and the soft, sweet scent of incense and berries, a scent that made Yuka shudder with delight. After some time, she could not hide her feelings any longer, she confessed her affection to the holy girl, shouting to the heavens and declaring her love. But one thing stood between her and true love, Father Kuragi, the head of the church of the apostates, an old burly priest who demanded his apprentices gave everything to the church. And demanded all apprentices take a vow of abstinence. Thankfully, Ania shared her feelings, but was torn between the church or Yuka, so both girls worked on a compromised, letting Yuka do what she did best: sneaking her way into a place, doing what had to be done, and leaving before anybody was privy to her presence. It was a sound strategy. Although at times Yuka made her way around the side of the church and walked over to one of the pillars running up to the roof. There were plenty of handholds and crevices running up the building that allowed her to climb up towards the roof. She scaled the pillar up halfway, shifted over to some loose stones above the windows and climbed the rest of the way up to the ledges on the top of the church, where the sleeping quarters were. Finally, Yuka climbed up onto the ledge, a cold air wafting past her. From up here, most of Monsai could be seen, the slums and lower industrial areas were lit by a thin veil of lantern light. To the far east, the emperors palace could be seen, a beautiful building illuminated by large torches that watched over the whole city. It was an exquisite view, but it didn’t interest Yuka. She looked into the window, her heart racing as she caught the sight of a girl sat before a small shrine. Ania, the short girl with tanned skin and the looks of a cute doll, rounded bright cheeks and sapphire eyes that gleamed in the light. She sat in prayer, her legs crossed and head tilted towards the floor. She wore a set of white vestments common to the female apprentices, the folds draped around her feet. Yuka tapped on the window. Ania turned, her face lighting up when she saw who stood outside her window. She got up from the shrine and made her way over to the window. “Good evening milady, I have come to see my favourite girl in the city." “Yunoko?” Ania smiled warmly. “I've missed you!” She pulled Yuka up from the ledge and into her private chamber, where the familiar scent of incense and rosewater awaited her, an aroma she'd grown accustomed on her late night visits. Every time she made one of these late night visits to Ania's private chamber, she would have a small lantern of incense hanging from her bedsit. They took no quarrel about lying down on the bed, embracing each other after being reunited after a week apart from each other. “I’ve missed you this past week.” Ania said softly, burying her head into Yuka’s arms. “I’ve missed you too.” Yuka pulled Ania in closer to her, she had a pleasant scent of lilac on her robes. “I’m sorry, it’s been a busy week for me.” With Saki and Makita planning their big raid on the imperial palace, Yuka had been afforded little time to herself. Tonight was the first night she had free and she hadn’t thought twice about coming to see Ania. Just the thought of her made Yuka tingle with glee, her cute face, her short dark hair, she was perfect in every way, and as they sat reunited, it made her feel like the luckiest girl in the world. “Since it’s been awhile, what do you say we have some ‘private time’?” Yuka felt her ladyhood tremor at the offer. “I’d love nothing more. Just let me hit the pisser and then I’m all yours for the night. ” She got to her feet and stumbled along toward the door. Since leaving the tavern, Yuka had felt her night of drinking weighing down on her bladder, but she had been so eager to see Ania that she had pushed her need to piss to the back of her mind. “Yunoko! Wait!” Ania reached out and grabbed her arm. “Y-you cannot go out there. After that break in last week, Bishop Kuragi has started doing rounds around the whole building.” The moment she heard those words, Yuka's face slumped. Suddenly, her bladder, teeming with a gluttonous amount of wine, felt much heavier than it did a second ago. She had gone from being in complete control, the master of her own bladder, to a trembling child on the verge of leaking. “Y-you're shitting me, right?” “I am not! He thinks it was one of the new apprentices stealing from the church. He's been doing rounds the past week to make sure nobody leaves their rooms after curfew.” I knew I shouldn't have stolen those fucking candlesticks! She thought. Brought a good price though...Gah! I really need to take a fucking piss! Why did I have to drink so fucking much!? I'm gonna fucking explode here! “What am I supposed to do then, Ania? I'm about to burst!” Yuka wanted to yell it, but she knew well from experience that attracting the attention of half the church while she wasn't meant to be there was not a wise move. “You know I can get past that old godfucker, right? You know how agile I can be.” The young maiden blushed. “I-I do...but I don't want you risking it. He threatened to banish me the last time he caught you here. I told him I got rid of you just to get him off my back and thankfully he believed me. If he catches you again…” “Come on, Ania.” Yuka begged, bouncing to stave off the pains in her bladder. Were she anywhere else, whether it be the Taverne D’egaut or out in the streets of Monsai, she would've just pulled her shorts aside and let loose wherever she pleased. There was a pleasant sense of freedom whenever she pissed outside, it was a feeling Yuka could never explain. It was somewhat of a sexual thing for, the quiet sound of her pee splattering against the surface, the relief of emptying a whole nights worth of wine from her bladder, and the warm steam rising against her bare legs in the cold air. It was near orgasmic for her, but she had to display some semblance of decency in Ania’s presence, for all her big and crude talk in front of her fellow thieves, Yuka when soft near Ania, suddenly losing her crude manner and softening up. “Can you not hold it for an hour or two? Just until Kuragi takes a rest?” She thought about it for a moment. “I could...” A sharper twinge struck her, causing Yuka to try and hold back the flood rushing desperately towards her pee hole. “Nope. Nope. Nope. I gotta piss right now...” She forced a hand down her shorts and pressed it against her urethra. Ania sighed. “Can you not go back down and do it in the alley?” “No! I can’t climb back down, as much as I'd love to. Look at me!” Her legs were bent and trembling under the strain of her muscles, a hand rammed down her shorts, pressed against her crotch, and a pained look on her face. “I let my legs get more than an inch apart, I'm gonna fucking piss myself. And I mean REALLY piss myself. Do you not have a jug or something? Ah, what about out the window?” “Really? What if somebody s-sees you? Or somebody is below?” “Ania, please don’t make me get on my knees and beg to piss out the window.” She sighed again. “T-then...do it out the window...please.” The rosy red cheeks flooded back. Yuka always thought Ania looked adorable when she blushed, like those cute dolls she would see in the windows of the toy stores. “Just keep it quiet.” The strain on her muscles as Yuka kept holding back from wetting herself was too much for her drunken state to handle. The second Ania had given her permission to relieve herself out the window, Yuka didn't hesitate to make the most of it. She staggered along, holding her maidenly area to make up for her failing efforts at holding it in. All she wanted to do was unzip her shorts and let her piss rain down into the filthy alley below. She yanked her shorts down, revealing her shapely backside to Ania and let her shorts fall freely around her ankles, lifted a leg onto the window sill to steady herself, the warm summer air wafting against her hairless region, and relaxed, letting her stream flood out from her between her legs. A pale dribble fell onto the window, followed by a quick but relieving spurt, “Ohohoho, ah my sweet lord...” She moaned as the spurt quickly became a strong stream pouring from her maidenly passage. The pleasure and relief sent shudders throughout her body, it was a feeling comparable to sex itself, at least to Yuka. “Ahahahaha...this…this is heaven…ah...ah...ah...” Her pale stream continued to pour out, raining down onto the stone below. Her eyes rolled back and a large smile ran from cheek to cheek. “I wish you didn't have to look and sound so...immodest.” Ania responded to the moans and sighs with a rather embarrassed tone. “Are you almost done?” “G-give me a little longer.” It was hard to talk, the joy and ecstasy Yuka was feeling as she felt her wine filled bladder slowly deflating with each second it spilled from between her thighs had hampered her words with stutters. The amount of alcohol in her probably didn't make things any easier. A good minute passed before her stream died down, a few final drops spilled out onto the window. “Ahhhh...that felt fucking great...” Yuka continued. “I should probably stop drinking so much.” A sentence she followed with a laugh; that was something she could never say with a straight face. “Okay, all done. I, eh, need something to wipe with though.” “Let me get you a tissue or something.” “Well hurry up, wind is starting to get cold. And I have my cunt on display for half the city.” “Like that ever bothered you.” Ania said with a giggle. “Besides, they can look all they want. You're all mine.” As Yuka finished wiping, she felt the warm touch of Ania's bare breasts against her back. “I've missed you so much." She whispered sensually. The transition from polite and coy nun to lustful lady was always something that attracted Yuka to Ania. To see the quiet lady of a lord show her darker and more debaucherous side, it made her heart race and her ladyhood quiver. “I've been waiting for this all day...” She grabbed Ania and carried her to the bed, climbed down on top of her naked body and smirked. “I’ve missed you so much.” She snuffed out the lantern and began making passionate love to her partner. Engaged in their kiss, Yuka felt her soft spot quivering again, she had been softened up by kissing, her ladyhood called out to her, she needed this, she needed stimulation, she needed pleasure. Overwhelmed by desire, she stripped off her shirt, revealing her firm, albeit slightly undersized breasts. She grabbed her lover by the cheeks of her soft backside, desperate to do everything she could to please Ania’s beautiful naked body. As their kissing continued, Yuka took her chance, as if possessed, her hands moved from Ania’s backside, slowly moving along between her legs. Ania pushed her head into Yuka’s breasts, stifling a moan as Yuka’s fingers slipped into her maidenly passage. The warmth and moisture as she went deeper made her own place tingle. She grabbed Ania’s hand, forcing it toward her own legs before Ania did it for herself, slipping her own fingers between Yuka’s legs. A pleasant, almost orgasmic sensation ran through her whole body. Yuka also wanted to moan, the feeling of her own hands caressing Ania’s soft passage while having her own fondled almost made her explode. She bit lower lip, tightening hold on Ania’s backside with her free hand as another jolt of pure ecstasy shot through her. She could feel Ania’s fingers inside her, stimulating her, her breathing got faster, her ladyhood got warmer, she couldn’t hold back. She could see it in Ania’s eyes as her own fingers did their work, her fast breather, her heaving breasts, her quiet but still audible moans. Both girls were nearing climax. Another minute of Ania’s fingers rubbing against her was more than enough. Yuka pushed herself back into Ania’s breasts, she began shaking, the warmth around her ladyhood grew more intense. Suddenly, the world seemed to stop. Her mouth shot open and she stifled her final climatic moan into Ania’s soft breasts. Ania mimicked the motions, burying her own head against Yuka’s stomach, she moaned loudly, her warm breath against Yuka’s skin. She pushed herself off Yuka, lying by her side, breathing heavily. It was amazing, well worth the weeks wait. Yuka, also short on breath, lay spread out, her maidenhood satisfied. “T-t-that...w-was...g-gr-great…” She uttered between breaths. “I...come...come...here…” She pulled Ania close, grasping her backside once more and holding the girl close. “I...I...love you…” The next morning, the sun outside shone brightly, casting a beautiful golden glow over the city. Yuka awoke in Ania's bed feeling tired, worn out, drained of her energy. It started out as a gentle night, some kissing and gentle fondling before Yuka could no longer control herself, her week of celibacy had only made her lust for sex worse. When the time came for them to move beyond kissing, she leapt on Ania like a beast possessed, working every part of her soft body beside her lover sleeping peacefully with the sheets cast off, revealing her naked body and giving Yuka a more than welcoming view of her beautiful backside in the morning sun. Yuka inched herself close, and pressed herself against her naked lover, enjoying the feeling of her ladyhood pressed against the warmth of Ania’s rear. Ania yawned and shuffled around on the bed. “I hope you enjoyed last night.” “You may be a lady of the gods, but you have the lust of a devil.” Yuka smirked. “You’ve ruined me for other women.” “That’s good.” She yawned again. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the privy.” “You know, I wouldn’t mind accompanying you to the privy, milady.” Yuka said with a sly yet playful tone. “I think it's only fair after what you saw yesterday.” “Don't be so vile, Yunoko.” Ania replied, blushing and giving Yuka a soft slap. “Oh right. Holy girls don't piss, do they?” She turned on her side and yawned. “Speaking of pissing, will that godfucker have gone to sleep? I wouldn't mind ACTUALLY using the toilet this time.” Ania smirked. “Yes, he should be gone now. It's still early so we might be able to get there and back before any of the new apprentices wake up.” “We? Are you expecting company?” Yuka smirked. “Very funny. Get your clothes on, and please be quick, not only do we have little time before the rest wake up, but I've been holding it in since supper.” “As milady commands.” Yuka hopped up from the bed, a spring in her step that she could only get from a night of passionate and glorious sex. She grabbed her shorts and shirt, lazily throwing her shirt on as her eagerness to get to the privy hurried her. Just as she was about to get her shorts on a loud and elderly voice boomed outside the door to the chambers. “Sister Ania! It is time to wake up, my girl!" “Darn, I forgot about today.” Ania whispered. “I promised Bishop Kuragi I’d assist him with the wounded.” “Oh come on…” Yuka whispered back. “I don’t even get to take my morning piss before that cunt showed up…” Another bang. “Ania, we don’t have long. Up! my girl!” He had a strong voice, which just made him more irritating to Yuka. “What the fuck am I meant to do?” “Eh...eh…” Ania frantically searched around. She gasped, pointing to the window. “Back out the window…now…” With the old 'Godfucker' banging on the chamber door, there were few options for a quick getaway. There's weren't even a few; Yuka had one choice, to climb down the side of the building in just her shirt and nothing shielding her maidenly assets from the lingering eyes below. “Guess I'm going out the fun way.” Yuka muttered. It wasn't the first time she'd been forced to make a quick getaway. There was another bang on the door, prompting Yuka to make her getaway, she hurled her shorts from the window, slipped her boots on and climbed out onto the ledge. With her usual quick feet, strong hands, and an unsuspecting breeze sweeping against her bare arse, Yuka climbed down into the alleyway below. “Well that was a hell of a night.” She grabbed her shorts, threw them on and made her way into the merchant district. Yuka made her through the bustling city streets of the merchant district, taking a favoured shortcut through a small maze of market stalls and cramped passages. Early morning was always the busiest time, a chaotic rush of merchants and pedestrians flooded the narrow streets. The smell of exotic spices and fresh cooked kebab swam through the smoke filled air as Yuka danced her way through the masses and made her toward the harbour. On some mornings her friend Mori was down by the water, enjoying the peace and quiet, indulging in a little morning fish, and of course having an early drink. She turned off from the busy street, seeing the masts of the merchant ships peering over from the harbour walls. The sweet exotic smell faded into a salty reek of fish, the commotion of the market faded away with each step until Yuka was left with only the sounds of her own feet and carefree humming. She passed under the archway, taking in the sight of the sun glowing above the ships in dock. It was quieter down on the waterfront, the bustling sounds of the merchant district far behind the gentle rocking of the nearby vessels. Yuka made her way down to the water, sliding down the railings of the staircase with her humming in full tune. A few elderly gentleman sat hunched over their fishing rods, their sagging eyes focussed on the waters for even the faintest nibble. Along the waterfront, perched on a small seat far away from the rest of the fishermen, sat a small shaggy haired boy, dressed in tattered clothes. “Good morning, Mori. Doing a little bit of morning fishing?” She greeted her younger friend, pulled up a spare stool and made herself welcome to the alcohol he often brought with him on his early morning fishing trips. She pulled a dark brown bottle from his basket. “Aw, come on...rice ale? I thought you loved me better than this.” “I didn’t count on you visiting me. Thought you’d want to spend all morning with Ania.” “Nah, didn’t even have a chance to take a leak before that Godfucker Kuragi came banging on the door. Oh right…” Yuka sat her bottle down. “If you’ll excuse me, still gotta piss.” Instead of making her way into the passages beneath the streets, where she would be given some privacy, Yuka took a few steps behind where she was sitting, stood against the wall and pulled her shorts down to her knees, she arched back and rested her hands comfortably on her butt. She relaxed and let her bladder empty against the wall, a dark stream poured out from her, splattering against the stone. She felt a slight warmth as her bare shins were sprinkled by a light shower of piss. “So did you have fun?” Mori asked, a slight stutter of embarrassment in his speech as he was forced to hear the pattering of Yuka's piss. “A lady doesn’t fondle and tell, Mori.” “Oh please.” He scoffed. “Like that’s ever stopped you.” “Only when Madame Lamplights fine ladies are involved, you have every right to hear about my fantastic conquests! The things I do with Ania, however, are only for me, her, and those apostate gods above watching us.” “Well listen to you. Talking like a girl in love.” He sniggered. “Is that what this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach is? I just thought I needed a good fart.” Her stream softened to a light trickle “Ahh...nothing like the first piss after a night of sex...heaven…” She shook off the final drops and pulled her shorts back up. She took her seat back beside Mori and opened her bottle. She took a sip, shuddering as the bitter ale hit her tongue. “You know...maybe it is love…” She smiled, sat back and let the bright summer day wash over her body. Edited March 17, 2017 by JustCallum (see edit history) KozmoFox, AtomicBob, DerivativeWings and 9 others 10 1 1 Quote Link to comment
Melificentfan 1,215 Posted March 17, 2017 ✨ Legendary Member Share Posted March 17, 2017 I loves it was so good to read =) Quote Link to comment
OmoCommando 38 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Nicely done, Clom. You have earned the Moocommunity seal of approval. Quote Link to comment
anonymous guy choc 111 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 1 hour ago, OmoCommando said: Nicely done, Clom. You have earned the Moocommunity seal of approval. redeemable at any Buffalo Wild Wings for an appetizer, entree and dessert for two, some restrictions apply, offer not valid in Montana. Quote Link to comment
Keita123 1,103 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Hmm, I feel like the omorashi is more of a side note compared to the sex. Quote Link to comment
Lisk 932 Posted March 17, 2017 🌟 OmoOrg VIP Share Posted March 17, 2017 But Clom. Even thinking that the purest form of love is not acceptable is an unforgivable thoughtcrime and heresy, and for that I sentence you to 69 years of death through beheading. But since you've overcome embraced the temptations, you are completely forgiven and will be revered as the hero of the flower pond instead! Yay ^_^ =^.^=! GadgetCereal 1 Quote Link to comment
KozmoFox 5,644 Posted March 17, 2017 👮 Moderator Share Posted March 17, 2017 6 hours ago, Keita123 said: Hmm, I feel like the omorashi is more of a side note compared to the sex. That's not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes it is a good thing, like here. Its refreshing to see something that isn't exclusively, you know *pisses everywhere* oh nooo Quote Link to comment
wedgeantilles 156 Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Wow, a realy hot story. Great! Quote Link to comment
Ms. Tito 1,568 Posted February 3, 2020 Share Posted February 3, 2020 On 3/17/2017 at 11:44 AM, KozmoFox said: That's not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes it is a good thing, like here. Its refreshing to see something that isn't exclusively, you know *pisses everywhere* oh nooo Sometimes you just need a little *pisses everywhere* oh yeeeahhhh Quote Link to comment
gianki007 24 Posted February 4, 2020 Share Posted February 4, 2020 On 3/17/2017 at 11:44 AM, KozmoFox said: That's not necessarily a bad thing! Sometimes it is a good thing, like here. Its refreshing to see something that isn't exclusively, you know *pisses everywhere* oh nooo I second that. Sidenote: as a writer myself, I advise using the "show don't tell" method. That way, we can learn the history between the characters without you telling us. As a thought. Quote Link to comment
Dark Knight 86 Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 Bit of a nitpick, but "apostate" refers to someone who renounces their religion. Might want to choose a different word. "Apostle" doesn't really work (generally used to describe individual prophets, not a religion as a whole), and the direct antonym, "loyalist", doesn't work either. Maybe "noble" or "divine" would fit better? Sorry, as a religious individual, I just had to point that out. On topic, great story, love yuri. Quote Link to comment
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