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I quite enjoyed the game show scenario and that unexpected plot twist. I look forward to reading your other story after you have finished it, as well as future installments of this one.

In the future, I am hoping to see just what sort of punishment happens when one of the women empties their bladder by choice, rather than by losing control. I've been wondering about it since Kay warned Megan that there would be consequences.

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Megan smiled into her webcam, her left arm held over her naked breasts and her right hand covering her vagina. Countless messages flooded the chatbox on her page. “put the arm down bby” “sho

The Final Part- ***** Emma moaned and gasped as the two women continued to drag her. Every few seconds, another tiny spurt of wee filled her panties before it soaked into her fatigues. She d

Here we go, everyone. This is a very, very long one. When I finished writing it, I tried to see if there was a way to split it into two parts, but there really isn't. I'll try to keep future parts mor

I'll admit that I feel like I'm the only one with a legitimate complaint about the most recent chapter, and that's how Kay reacted to the one woman having a husband.

Quote

"By the way, tell your sister that whenever she gets over this 'husband' shit that she's welcome back any time. Tell her to follow her heart, not anyone's expectations. That girl's almost as big a lesbian as I am, you should have seen the way she went at my tits when I hugged her.” - Kay

I mean maybe I'm over reacting but it annoyed me just how unsympathetic she became. I mean if I ran some kind of strange business and had an employee leave on good terms I would have been happy to learn they got married and got to get a status on her. I just feel a bit strange about how she treated getting married like a phase or a sickness (sickness as in it being something negative you 'get better' from with time)

Also, speaking almost directly to Kay here, there's such a thing as BISEXUALS y'know, just because she acted lezzy doesn't mean that they're guaranteed to exclusively be gay.

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37 minutes ago, Curiousanon said:

I'll admit that I feel like I'm the only one with a legitimate complaint about the most recent chapter, and that's how Kay reacted to the one woman having a husband.

I mean maybe I'm over reacting but it annoyed me just how unsympathetic she became. I mean if I ran some kind of strange business and had an employee leave on good terms I would have been happy to learn they got married and got to get a status on her. I just feel a bit strange about how she treated getting married like a phase or a sickness (sickness as in it being something negative you 'get better' from with time)

Also, speaking almost directly to Kay here, there's such a thing as BISEXUALS y'know, just because she acted lezzy doesn't mean that they're guaranteed to exclusively be gay.

I've been trying to avoid saying it bluntly, hoping it would be clear through context alone, but Kay HATES men. Like, a lot. She can't comprehend why any woman would want to be near 'one of those horrible creatures.' To the readers, it isn't known what happened to her to make her that way, but it's an intended character flaw.

Edited by Bulge_Lover (see edit history)
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23 minutes ago, Bulge_Lover said:

I've been trying to avoid saying it bluntly, hoping it would be clear through context alone, but Kay HATES men. Like, a lot. She can't comprehend why any woman would want to be near 'one of those horrible creatures.' To the readers, it isn't known what happened to her to make her that way, but it's an intended character flaw.

Ah. well now it makes sense XD I apologize for my mini rant there.

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Yes yes, for me I just understand that she does not like men, which is understandable since she likes women, I have a lesbian sister so I am accustomed to associate lesbians having no interest in men, they can be great friends Of men but in the case of Kay it seems that she would have an affection for the girl, therefore it is conpreenso of Kay to have that hatred xD)

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2 hours ago, randomkath said:

Her rant doesn't really come over as "hates men", though.

More like "absolutely cannot stand rejection", which is a character flaw of its own.

43 minutes ago, Anubis said:

That is kind of what I thought. I interpreted her behavior as jealousy, almost like she was thinking Jae belonged to her and not anyone else.

true, I guess I just kind of read it the wrong way that I saw it almost as making her a bit more villainous/cruel, showing no sympathy for the poor girl who got caught up in her sister's weird past, and then laughing it off completely right after she humiliated her, and a bit of an assumption I tossed in the fridge also made me not notice the whole 'hates men' thing. I'd think most of the people on her stream (it did have a web stream I believe, and pardon the pun) would be male.

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43 minutes ago, Curiousanon said:

true, I guess I just kind of read it the wrong way that I saw it almost as making her a bit more villainous/cruel, showing no sympathy for the poor girl who got caught up in her sister's weird past, and then laughing it off completely right after she humiliated her, and a bit of an assumption I tossed in the fridge also made me not notice the whole 'hates men' thing. I'd think most of the people on her stream (it did have a web stream I believe, and pardon the pun) would be male.

She works with men as clients, but they're nothing more than a paycheck to her. 

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11 hours ago, Curiousanon said:

true, I guess I just kind of read it the wrong way that I saw it almost as making her a bit more villainous/cruel, showing no sympathy for the poor girl who got caught up in her sister's weird past, and then laughing it off completely right after she humiliated her, and a bit of an assumption I tossed in the fridge also made me not notice the whole 'hates men' thing. I'd think most of the people on her stream (it did have a web stream I believe, and pardon the pun) would be male.

There's nothing wrong with having a secondary (or even primary) main character be a villain or villainous. This is a good, sexy story, and nobody in it thus far has been exactly "heroic". It's not a heroic story. 

Kay is outright a villain, point blank, and she is still likeable. There is nothing wrong this. It is fiction. She's not a "I'm going to destroy the world" type villain, but everything she does is motivated by self-interest. This is fine.. I prefer characters that are flawed. Heroic and villainous characters alike have flaws, heroic ones use those flaws or work around them to help others, villains are often motivated by those flaws - they can still be very likeable.

Even the protagonist is firmly in the middle of the villain-hero arc, and as this progresses I could easily see her becoming a villain despite being the protagonist: she already sees things Kay's way quite easily when given the speech about "well, would YOU give all your money away if you had this much?" She was honest with herself, and figured "probably not". Time could tell as the story progresses, again, it makes it more interesting that all of the characters thus far have been deeply flawed and motivated almost entirely by self-interest. It's a theme, and a fun one at that, even the last contestant who we were to feel sorry for was deceitful and motivated entirely by what she thought was an easy paycheck.

Edited by LOLC2k (see edit history)
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3 hours ago, LOLC2k said:

There's nothing wrong with having a secondary (or even primary) main character be a villain or villainous. This is a good, sexy story, and nobody in it thus far has been exactly "heroic". It's not a heroic story. 

Kay is outright a villain, point blank, and she is still likeable. There is nothing wrong this. It is fiction. She's not a "I'm going to destroy the world" type villain, but everything she does is motivated by self-interest. This is fine.. I prefer characters that are flawed. Heroic and villainous characters alike have flaws, heroic ones use those flaws or work around them to help others, villains are often motivated by those flaws - they can still be very likeable.

Even the protagonist is firmly in the middle of the villain-hero arc, and as this progresses I could easily see her becoming a villain despite being the protagonist: she already sees things Kay's way quite easily when given the speech about "well, would YOU give all your money away if you had this much?" She was honest with herself, and figured "probably not". Time could tell as the story progresses, again, it makes it more interesting that all of the characters thus far have been deeply flawed and motivated almost entirely by self-interest. It's a theme, and a fun one at that, even the last contestant who we were to feel sorry for was deceitful and motivated entirely by what she thought was an easy paycheck.

well I meant villainous as in... well admittedly she actually said it in story. Some kind of mild version of SAW. I less mean it as in "oh there is a hero and villain" in a traditional batman vs the joker sense, but it's this strange feeling of just how creative this woman is with torturing her contestants and at the same time not giving a shit that this lady who had no idea what she was getting into is in way over her head. That's more what I mean by that.

Of course the protagonist is going to be more neutral as she only came here because it was the job opportunity of a lifetime, literally millions on the line for her, and I know it's a case where that's not the point of it, and that technically there no 'winning' against kay because again that's not the challenge of it. I just didn't expect after all these rave reviews her people gave her (pretty much everyone said she was freaking awesome) that she would be so ruthless

 

Edited by Curiousanon
image didn't work so I got rid of the last part (see edit history)
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I want to say that I absolutely love this series and I think it's the best fiction I've read here in a very long time. However, I got the sense you rushed the last chapter a bit. There were a number of places where you switch back and forth between present tense and past, and while this isn't a huge problem it just doesn't read quite as smoothly as the previous chapters. Everything else about it is really, really well done though and I'm looking forward to the completion of this series as well as any future projects of yours c: If you've any interest in it, I could possibly edit the last chapter to maintain consistency in tenses and message the edit to you. Please take this in the spirit of constructive criticism; I love this work so much I just want to help it be the best that it can be!

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45 minutes ago, molhado said:

I want to say that I absolutely love this series and I think it's the best fiction I've read here in a very long time. However, I got the sense you rushed the last chapter a bit. There were a number of places where you switch back and forth between present tense and past, and while this isn't a huge problem it just doesn't read quite as smoothly as the previous chapters. Everything else about it is really, really well done though and I'm looking forward to the completion of this series as well as any future projects of yours c: If you've any interest in it, I could possibly edit the last chapter to maintain consistency in tenses and message the edit to you. Please take this in the spirit of constructive criticism; I love this work so much I just want to help it be the best that it can be!

Lol I apologize for that, but there's a reason for it. I'm working on another huge project which is written in a very different style than Desperation Dungeon. I got used to typing in that way and it's bleeding over into my other work. I try to catch the mistakes but I did miss a few. As for editing it, I could do it myself no problem, but I can't actually edit the post. The one thing I hate about this site. On Reddit and other places I improve stories over like, weeks. Here I need to get it right the first time or I'm screwed.

I'll be posting a remastered version of this whole thing once its finished that wont have these issues.

Thank you for your advice.

Edited by Bulge_Lover (see edit history)
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8 hours ago, Full bladder said:

How long you will be writing?

Alrighty this is a message for everyone who's following this story: It's gonna be a REALLY LONG TIME. I don't wanna lie and say I'm actively working on it, because I'm finishing a few other projects first. Consider it like Season 1 of a television show - Season 2 will definitely come eventually, but you got a real good wait. Please don't be disappointed, as my other project is, in my opinion, even better than this one. As soon as I finish it, I'll be back working on this.

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Newcomer to this thread and LOVING IT!! You have a rather unique and wonderfully perverted mind good sir, and a very captivating literary style (though I think a fair portion of that can be attributed to the intensity of the subject matter!). I look forward to your return to Kay manor, and shall have to go searching for your other works around the site once I've recovered from reading through season 1! :admire2:

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