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Sad, sad, sad death...


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Hey all...

As those who follow me may have noticed, I haven't been that active recently, and I feel like I owe everyone an explanation. Be warned though; it's not a happy funfun story...

 

So, april 2016. My dad became ill, a virus, nothing major. After about a month of being sick, the doctor came 'round to check. He had to go get checked up at the hospital. Sure thing, no problem, my sister needed to be there anyway; a muscle in her spine, in her neck, had been acting up. This caused her to be unable to walk long or even medium distances without getting tired, sick etc.

Cancer. Great. In the brains. Greatgreatgreat. There was a tumor of around 7 centimeters blocking the drainage of his cranial fluid, causing sickness and headaches. He was instantly moved to another hospital in The Hague and within a week he'd been under the knive. The procedure was a succes, luckily, but they'd found the source: a tumor in his left lung. It was getting close to june when he had to go to another hospital for another operation. It was a succes and after multiple scans he was send home. In august we went on summer holiday, fun stuff.

September: planning to make another scan while recovering. My sister was still in a bad shape, but my mom had luck: she'd been looking for a job for years, and now she had three primary schools offering a job, things were looking up, but...

--<>--[Here comes the shit]--<>--

Tumors. Three of them. In his brain. They had spread through the previously mentioned cranial fluid and had grown quickly. Mom's jobs went belly-up as one after another pulled the rug from underneath her, with some even having already hired someone before even asking her for an interview. We didn't hear much about the tumors for a while. There was a lot of discussing "behind the scenes" untill...yep...he was terminal. For those who don't know: "terminal" means you have at most three months to live. Greaaaat. This...was two weeks ago today.

The next Thursday he was moved to a hospice (a hotel for dying people). We visited almost dayly, and my uncles and grandparents were over there often. And then...

--<>--[Final warning, shit's fucked!]--<>--

He died. Past friday. My uncle was sitting in chair making a puzzle while my dad slept. He'd lost his voice and for about a week he'd stop breathing momentarily in his sleep. Untill my uncle noticed how silent it was. Check pulse and, well, you can probably guess. It was just past 23:00 when he called my mom, and we raced over there, ariving a quarter to 12. Me and my sister stayed and looked at the corpse 'till 2:00, when a friend of my moms' brought us home. My mom stayed untill around 6:00, when he was moved out of the room.

The next day my grandparents and uncles went to see him. Yep, very, very dead indeed. Sunday we had a talk with the person who was in charge of fixing everything for the funeral. How many cards? What kind of coffin? Music? etc, etc.

Then there's today. We closed the coffin today. I will never see him again. Ever. He had asked us to put a paint-print of our hands on the coffin, so we did, orange, like he asked. He's wearing quite a nice suit, almost a shame. Friday we'll bury him.

All in all, it's been hectic. And it's quite troubeling to know your father will never know you as anything more than a dissapointment. He won't be there when I finish college, move out, get married, have kids...and the same goes for my sister. He'll be gone - forever.

 

I don't know how to end this. I don't need condolances. I don't need anyone to feel for me. I mean, I've been depressed for almost half of my life, so I sure as fuck am not feeling anything. I don't want anything. I don't...

I don't need it...

I don't need anything...

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Shit... let me be real to you for a second. grieve, get mad, let it all out my friend. but denial? really? I don't feel nothing, so I make a post solely out of respect for my father just so he's not forgotten? look that doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care. sounds a lot like someone who needs someone to be there for them. like I can say I'm sorry until my face is blue but imma save both our time because that don't work. get comfortable with someone and let it out. it'll help you. trust me. 

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9 hours ago, ArcticVortex said:

Shit... let me be real to you for a second. grieve, get mad, let it all out my friend. but denial? really? I don't feel nothing, so I make a post solely out of respect for my father just so he's not forgotten? look that doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care. sounds a lot like someone who needs someone to be there for them. like I can say I'm sorry until my face is blue but imma save both our time because that don't work. get comfortable with someone and let it out. it'll help you. trust me. 

Don't worry, I have people I can talk to, I have people I trust, I have people I can share my feelings with, there just...isn't a feeling to share. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just...me, the way I've always been, and possibly will always be. Sad but true, it's what I've become.

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