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i needs an opinion...


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im thinking about making this a story...what do yall think so far...it seems like a ending chapter or a beginning just tell me what yall think...it was to my ex but i re read it and thought it was good enough for a story...


 I started going back to church to change my ways after the break up cause you made me realize how much I need to change my ways by telling me all my problems, and as you know me and her share the same religion, so I went the first day and she hugged me and asked me what was wrong cause I seemed sad I told her nothing and that I didn't want to talk about it, well after Sunday school was over, she saw my watch and looked at it and saw new scars and looked at me teary eyed and asked me why I was cutting myself still, I sadly told her we broke up, and not everything...I didn't feel like she needed all the info....and she slapped my cuts WHICH HURT EXTREMLY then told me not to worry about it... that she will always be there for me and the story goes on and we went to the big part of the church and she held my hand as I was listening to the preacher preach words of wisdom...she then wrapped her arm around mine bridal wise and I felt there was a reason for this...that god was some how some way sending someone to help me...but I still didn't trust her at all...part of me said it was an act...so I went next Sunday and a kind man opened the door for me and asked me a random question "have you been coming her since you were a baby or just new here?" I explained to him that I used to go here all the time when I was young but me and my mother stopped going for four years and something happened to me that made me realize how wrong of a path I was going...he said something next that just made me think more about it, he said you know, son that's god telling you to come to church, as he will help you through your hard times, god will come in many ways, it's your heart that will tell you if it's him, I smiled and shook his hand and said thank you sir, I went to Sunday school then and Madelyn was there and she hugged me again and whispered in my ear...I want to help you...through everything....and my heart raced, a mixtures of fear and anxiety, I replied huh? and she said oh nothing and petted my hair and sat down, when it was over she grabbed my hand and led me to the big church for the preacher as I walked in the atmosphere changed dramatically, like I had weight on my shoulders and when they preyed I preyed also not by choice...something was making me...I felt happy actually happy afterwards I watched with a smile as the preacher went on...Madelyn whispered in my ear...my mom and I believe your the one....and I was beyond shocked....in our religion the females pick their mate at anytime and won't let them go...all of our preachers met there wife or husband at 13, or 14....and that wouldn't stay out of my head...s...she...thinks I'm...me?...I'm the one...and she held my hand and stared at me and led me from the big church to a empty hallway and pinned me against a wall...I asked what she was doing this is a church? and she replied I love you and always will I tell my mother all the feelings I have towards you and she says that you must be the one then if she truly feels this way towards me...and she kissed me...before I could say anything.... my eyes were open at first and then I calmed and closed my eyes.....my heart racing....I couldn't believe what I was hearing...?...this couldn't be true...?....could it?....after a couple of Sundays she convinced me...that she feels that way towards me....and who am I to disagree with her...so it leads to now....she makes me happy...when it seems impossible to....laren messed me up...rusty doesnt care...and karliegh just likes me......and here is my happiness Madelyn....she's got it wrapped between her fingers.....and....I...honestly love it....I...love her....I've actually grown attached to her.....the world cant stop us now...like before how it dragged us down...why...?...why me....it doesnt make since...but why question it...if it makes me happy?....i was so hurt and here she came to save me...unlike you...who just told me my errors....and made me feel like i was always doing something wrong...me and her love is mutual...no one can drag it down...not even you...not nobody....its just us against the world.....with my circle of friends disappering why not find some happyness in it....so get off m back...you had your run so dont try to drag down hers...
 

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Guest tortoise

It's a good story concept and I enjoyed it when I read it through. But I agree with @iamandrew that you need to paragraph out your work - it's daunting and hard to follow the text in one, long block. You used lots of ellipses (these ... ) too - which you don't need all the way through the text; a full stop is fine to mark the end of a sentence. A good and enjoyable story has varied punctuation. Maybe you could use a dash in place of some ellipsis to help create emphasis. When I read through it, I couldn't tell where one sentence ended and another began!

But, it is a good story concept and could be better if you edited it correctly :-)

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