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So far, I'm loving the pacing. The exposition is nicely done, explaining just enough without getting cumbersome. I must say, I'm really not sure how this will go. I can see a lot of omo-related mischief playing out, with the sprite getting intentionally desperate to mess with Colette in important social settings, or Colette turning that against her, somehow... They seem like they could end up being an entertaining duo.

But it's more than that.

You've given the impression that the world is much larger than the story, which so many amateur writers fail to do- Especially in fantasy. It feels like there could be a lot to the system of magic, that, being pretty practiced already in it, Colette doesn't offer much commentary on. The forest alone seems like a potentially enchanting world in itself, and this port town offers many stories on its own.

You've laid the groundwork for a LOT of possibilities. You could take this world in so many directions. There are so many areas you could flesh out, and I think all of them would be great to explore. This relationship you've just established is fantastically unique, as well. Keep writing, and write a lot. :)

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I don't have much more to say to be honest. This was simply a briliant start for a great story with thousands of possibilities.

Just a suggestion for a future chapters - which I'm really looking forward to: you might want to explain if both girls still have their own working sphincters and urethra or only one of them has to hold all their pee and decides when their bladders are emptied.

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A couple side notes explaining how the bladder physics works here in case it wasn't clear enough in the chapter.

Heart Sprites bind to their partners by a body part, sharing its functionality. Usually, this involves two hearts beating as one, so the sprite won't die until her human's heart stops beating. At the same time, if the sprite dies, so does the human, so the sprite gets a long lifespan from the human and protection from the human, since she has the human's life beating in her chest. If the sprite and human get too far apart, then both hearts will stop, killing them both. The sprite usually wants to stay near the human, to feed herself, screw with them and live in their shelter, so this isn't a problem for them, but means the human's stuck with it. Their clothing, hair, and eyes are usually grey, but fill in with a deep red color when they bind to a human. They also get a deep red spot on their back that signifies the bonding, and getting it is almost a coming-of-age ritual in their culture. These colors would be pink for the Lung Sprites and blue-grey for the Brain Sprite mentioned in the story. These give them other deadly forms of control, so are no less honored. However, Hxia was upset because she has amber colors burned into her, which is considered laughable. She's the embodiment of peeing.

Hxia and Colette share their bladder functionalities. At any given point, their needs are exactly the same. Anything one drinks will eventually wind up filling up not only their bladder, but the other's as well, so if one were to drink a lot, it'd make both of them desperate. If one initiates urination, both will pee then and there, and the other cannot stop it in any way. However, with more experience, both will eventually learn to hold it in and stop the other person from peeing. Colette couldn't with Hxia, but it's only because she's inexperienced.

Why would one want to stop the other from peeing if they had to endure being equally desperate? Pranks. Pranks with prices.

Edit: Something I forgot to mention: Unlike with Heart Sprites and their partners, who die if separated, If Hxia and Colette go too far apart, both are sent into a permanent state of very extreme desperation until they're reunited. If they lose control before that happens, they'll enter a new state during which they have very little control and fill up a lot more quickly than usual. Basically: A very bad time for them.

Edited by Lilia (see edit history)
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Something I forgot to mention: Unlike with Heart Sprites and their partners, who die if separated, If Hxia and Colette go too far apart, both are sent into a permanent state of very extreme desperation until they're reunited. If they lose control before that happens, they'll enter a new state during which they have very little control and fill up a lot more quickly than usual. Basically: A very bad time for them.

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I just noticed this morning that this was a featured topic on the main page, and I'd only written two chapters at the time, too. I don't know what the requirements are for a topic to be featured, but thanks for all the lovely feedback! Just a reminder to send any suggestions my way, or aspects you want to see, because it's a lot easier to come up with plot when I know what you want!

Edited by Lilia (see edit history)
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I think I'm going to start splitting the chapters into Colette's point of view and Hxia's point of view for a more professional point of view, instead of jumping back and forth between them. That last one was from Hxia's, but there'll be plenty of desperation from both their views, don't worry!  :wink:

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Wait since Hxia didn't connect to any vital organ doesn't that mean her life hasn't been extended at all? Will Collete be rendered incontinent when the short lived fairy inevitable bites the dust? Am I taking the contrived rules of a mythical being in the context of a fetish story way too seriously?

It may be a fetish story but as an aspiring author I take my work very seriously!  :cool: 

I'm not entirely sure. I hadn't thought about that. The extended lifespan is probably more of a magical thing about the connection rather than the physical effects of sharing a heartbeat. So, Hxia gets the lifespan because of sprite magic.

As for death: When a heart connection breaks, both partners' hearts stop working until at least one of them is dead. But they always die together, so you can't ever have one still alive.

When a bladder connection breaks, both partners' bladders stop working until at least one of them is dead. You can have one still alive, and for them it's life as normal. One will eventually have to watch the other die whilst wetting themselves. Yeah. Cruel. But COLETTE AND HXIA ARE YOUNG AND VERY MUCH ALIVE AND I INTEND TO KEEP THEM THAT WAY.

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This is quickly becoming one of my all-time favorite omofics.

Thanks! That means a lot.

 

 

From what you've said, I'm guessing the lungs are treated as a single unit instead of separatedly. Does the same hold true for other paired organs(say, the kidneys)?

Yes.

 

 

For a bond where death of the human doesn't guarantee death of the sprite, does the sprite retain the lifespan the pair would have had if they died of old age or does there lifespan shorten to that of an unbonded sprite?

The sprite wouldn't die instantly, but would probably get very weak over the next few days with nothing to sustain their aged body. Unless they bond to another human. But it's better than the alternative: Dying WITH their human and not being given a chance.

 

 

While I can't see any benefit to it, can a sprite bond to multiple humans? For that matter, can multiple sprites bond to the same human?

Not at once, but a human can be bonded to by another sprite if its old one died, and a sprite can bond to a new human if its old one died. But that's probably not going to happen here. I can't see the point in adding character deaths to a fetish story, really.

 

 

Other questions about bonds:

Would contact centered between he shoulder blades also result in a heart bond? would striking either shoulder blade result in a lung bond?

What would happen if the point of contact was on an arm or leg, missing any internal organs?

Bonds are meant to happen to major internal organs only. Note how nothing happened when Colette kicked Hxia, nor did Hxia bond to Colette's skin instead of her bladder, despite touching the former. I like to think the sprites have a culture revolving around bonding to the heart, and mocking those who form a 'useless' bond.

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