The Last Peebender

[Depression 7]

CANCELED

Hello, its me, Kikyo...This story is canceled...And I'm also moving accounts too...with much better stories then this suckish one

Kikyo.

[Ronyo 806]

Nice story ^^ Keep up the good work

On another note, you posted this in the Introduction part of the forum xD I moved it here for you =P

[Depression 7]

Nice story ^^ Keep up the good work

On another note, you posted this in the Introduction part of the forum xD I moved it here for you =P

Glad you liked it, By the way I'm watching "Bleach" now and if I watch any other Manga serieses, then I may start making them.

Kikyo.

[Meowth 335]

Glad you liked it, By the way I'm watching "Bleach" now and if I watch any other Manga serieses, then I may start making them.

Isabella.

I believe you mean anime series. Anime is essentially a Japanese cartoon, while manga is a Japanese comic book.

[facade 1,946]

Glad you liked it, By the way I'm watching "Bleach" now and if I watch any other Manga serieses, then I may start making them.

Isabella.

You should watch Lucky Star, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or Azumanga Daioh. They're great animes.

[Depression 7]

I believe you mean anime series. Anime is essentially a Japanese cartoon, while manga is a Japanese comic book.

I know its Anime But I call it Manga because I never saw "The Last Airbender" in Comics. . .I mean I do know Manga is a comic Book.

Kikyo.

You should watch Lucky Star, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or Azumanga Daioh. They're great animes.

Yes! I finally start to watch Lucky Star. . .But I didn't like it ;( I. . .Loved it.. .BTW I think Bleach is something I Wished for cause I love Ghosts and Horror and Stuff Like that, Thanks for Commenting.

Kikyo.

[Depression 7]

I believe you mean anime series. Anime is essentially a Japanese cartoon, while manga is a Japanese comic book.

And I also do mean Manga Series because I follow the "Wikipedia" thing that says its "Manga" series.

Kikyo.

[MR_Win 1]

very nice story : )

[mipmixer 43]

This is a nice story, but it's very short and has no real buildup. But this was your first effort, I understand. But I would advise, don't just go immediately from everyday situations to a wetting. Let it build up, let other things happen, it just doesn't work well like this.

[Depression 7]

This is a nice story, but it's very short and has no real buildup. But this was your first effort, I understand. But I would advise, don't just go immediately from everyday situations to a wetting. Let it build up, let other things happen, it just doesn't work well like this.

I'm not trying to be mean but is there another way you can explain what you mean? I don't really understand what your trying to Explain.

[Depression 7]

I am moving from my main account,I shall register a second one though...See you guys

[Ranpalan 477]

Someone has already mentioned this story lacks build-up. I have to add it also lacks in presentation and logic.

First of all, why the large font size and random capitalisation? Combined with the lack of punctuation, this makes the story look messy. This is effect is further strengthened by the two completely different formats of dialogue in the beginning and the end; while that at the beginning is closer to being grammatically correct, neither do the layout of the story any good. Nor do they add much to the, for lack of a better word, plot. The first conversation looks unnecessary long and irrelevant, while the second feels rushed (and actually consists of two conversations, anyway). Due to the lack of line breaks, it looks like everything is said within a minute or two, while there's actually enough time for Katara to change.

The next point is the logic, or lack of such. The first conversation has none at all; it is unclear who of the three characters is speaking, and why they're saying such utter nonsense. This is followed by Katara for some reason suddenly discovering she needs to pee (that's what is meant with lack of build-up. Is she partially incontinent? Had she been holding it?), and runs off to the forest. The reader now probably expects for her to be looking for a place to pee, but instead, she just stands around holding it. Finally, she wets herself and first goes back to her friends, and then runs off yet again.

I'd like to point out just how idiotic Katara's behaviour is. She doesn't seem at all prepared to need the bathroom, as if it's the first time in her life that she has to pee. She only comes up with the thought of going in the bushes well after she's in the forest! At which point, instead of doing something about her desperation, she wets herself (also showing next to no emotion, but I'm not even going to start on that). And, once she has wet herself, she fails to come up with the idea to simply water-bend the pee out of her clothes. I'm not all too familiar with Avatar, but is she really no smarter than your average monkey?

As to specific sentence structure: many things are stated in fairly unnatural ways. ``bladder bursting'', ``use behind a tree as a bathroom'', ``something warm and wet slid[ing] down her legs'', ``the pee finally passed through it and fell onto the ground until her bladder was empty''... Although all three make sense once you think about it, the mental images they convey are probably not what you intend.

All in all, I wouldn't say that advertisements for this kind of story are something people would like to see their threads spammed with.

[Depression 7]

Someone has already mentioned this story lacks build-up. I have to add it also lacks in presentation and logic.

First of all, why the large font size and random capitalisation? Combined with the lack of punctuation, this makes the story look messy. This is effect is further strengthened by the two completely different formats of dialogue in the beginning and the end; while that at the beginning is closer to being grammatically correct, neither do the layout of the story any good. Nor do they add much to the, for lack of a better word, plot. The first conversation looks unnecessary long and irrelevant, while the second feels rushed (and actually consists of two conversations, anyway). Due to the lack of line breaks, it looks like everything is said within a minute or two, while there's actually enough time for Katara to change.

The next point is the logic, or lack of such. The first conversation has none at all; it is unclear who of the three characters is speaking, and why they're saying such utter nonsense. This is followed by Katara for some reason suddenly discovering she needs to pee (that's what is meant with lack of build-up. Is she partially incontinent? Had she been holding it?), and runs off to the forest. The reader now probably expects for her to be looking for a place to pee, but instead, she just stands around holding it. Finally, she wets herself and first goes back to her friends, and then runs off yet again.

I'd like to point out just how idiotic Katara's behaviour is. She doesn't seem at all prepared to need the bathroom, as if it's the first time in her life that she has to pee. She only comes up with the thought of going in the bushes well after she's in the forest! At which point, instead of doing something about her desperation, she wets herself (also showing next to no emotion, but I'm not even going to start on that). And, once she has wet herself, she fails to come up with the idea to simply water-bend the pee out of her clothes. I'm not all too familiar with Avatar.

As to specific sentence structure: many things are stated in fairly unnatural ways. ``bladder bursting'', ``use behind a tree as a bathroom'', ``something warm and wet slid[ing] down her legs'', ``the pee finally passed through it and fell onto the ground until her bladder was empty''... Although all three make sense once you think about it, the mental images they convey are probably not what you intend.

All in all, I wouldn't say that advertisements for this kind of story are something people would like to see their threads spammed with.

I can write some things By Mistake. And if Your saying she should get the idea of bending the pee out of her clothing but that Detail is taken into "Kataras Desperation", and I'm not being mean but if you didn't like the story you could just say so.

[Ranpalan 477]

What do you mean with `Toshio'?

The new version is somewhat better. The formatting could still be improved, and a few proofreads to fix sentence structure would do it good.

And, yes, that's precisely what I said.

[mipmixer 43]

This is improved somewhat, but now for no reason at all you capitalize words in the middle of sentences. Basic english says otherwise.

[Depression 7]

You should watch Lucky Star, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or Azumanga Daioh. They're great animes.

AZUMANGA DAIOH?!

I haven't even NOTICED you wrote that!! I do wanna watch it!!!!!!! I'll watch it now if I can!

Kikyo.

What do you mean with `Toshio'?

The new version is somewhat better. The formatting could still be improved, and a few proofreads to fix sentence structure would do it good.

And, yes, that's precisely what I said.

Oops, that was a mistake or I probably wanted to write it for some reason.

Kikyo.

[Guest Shu]

I think that this is an exciting story

[Depression 7]

Someone has already mentioned this story lacks build-up. I have to add it also lacks in presentation and logic.

First of all, why the large font size and random capitalisation? Combined with the lack of punctuation, this makes the story look messy. This is effect is further strengthened by the two completely different formats of dialogue in the beginning and the end; while that at the beginning is closer to being grammatically correct, neither do the layout of the story any good. Nor do they add much to the, for lack of a better word, plot. The first conversation looks unnecessary long and irrelevant, while the second feels rushed (and actually consists of two conversations, anyway). Due to the lack of line breaks, it looks like everything is said within a minute or two, while there's actually enough time for Katara to change.

The next point is the logic, or lack of such. The first conversation has none at all; it is unclear who of the three characters is speaking, and why they're saying such utter nonsense. This is followed by Katara for some reason suddenly discovering she needs to pee (that's what is meant with lack of build-up. Is she partially incontinent? Had she been holding it?), and runs off to the forest. The reader now probably expects for her to be looking for a place to pee, but instead, she just stands around holding it. Finally, she wets herself and first goes back to her friends, and then runs off yet again.

I'd like to point out just how idiotic Katara's behaviour is. She doesn't seem at all prepared to need the bathroom, as if it's the first time in her life that she has to pee. She only comes up with the thought of going in the bushes well after she's in the forest! At which point, instead of doing something about her desperation, she wets herself (also showing next to no emotion, but I'm not even going to start on that). And, once she has wet herself, she fails to come up with the idea to simply water-bend the pee out of her clothes. I'm not all too familiar with Avatar, but is she really no smarter than your average monkey?

As to specific sentence structure: many things are stated in fairly unnatural ways. ``bladder bursting'', ``use behind a tree as a bathroom'', ``something warm and wet slid[ing] down her legs'', ``the pee finally passed through it and fell onto the ground until her bladder was empty''... Although all three make sense once you think about it, the mental images they convey are probably not what you intend.

All in all, I wouldn't say that advertisements for this kind of story are something people would like to see their threads spammed with.

Uhm, Katara is kind of an idiot. . .I guess.

[Depression 7]

"Now what do you want?" Katara asks as she creeps the door open.

"..."

"You came here for nothing. . .right?"

"No, I came because. . .We gotta look in a haunted house" Replies Toph.

"No...You?"

"No of course, I'm coming" Katara walked out.

When they arrived to the town where the people said the 'Haunted house' was a Young girl cut the group's way.

"Hello..." She Greeted.

"Hi there" replied Katara.

"Sign this paper. . .if you dare to enter the haunted house" The girl said.

Katara sighed and grabbed the fether from the girl's hand to sign the dirty page.

"Are you done?" The girl asked.

"Yes" Replied Katara.

"Good luck...Now you can enter" The girl said, Then she faded away like a ghost.

"Whoa"

"Were leaving" replied Aang.

When they arrived at the haunted house, The young girl's look flashed in the group's eyes and faded away in every corner.

"Whoa, Hey Toph. . .did you see that?" asks Katara.

"Ovbiously, How can I see it?...I'm blind" Replies Toph

"Right. . .I'm gonna search for any other ghosts" said Aang.

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

[Slater 167]

I was wondering what your first language is because you seem to capitalize random words. I know that's the way it is in Dutch anyway.

[Ranpalan 477]

You don't capitalise random words in Dutch...

[Slater 167]

You don't capitalise random words in Dutch...

The Dutchman I knew did. It's not that it's "random" so much as it is the grammar is different. In English, you only capitalize the first word of a sentence (with a few variations), and proper nouns. In Dutch, you capitalize certain words in other places and locations, don't know the specifics. Trying to translate and transfer words into English, it looks to us like random words are capitalized. If I'm not mistaken, German is the same way.

[Ranpalan 477]

The rules are indeed different, but not significantly, and it certainly wouldn't look utterly random as a result. The capitalisation here is clearly plain sloppiness.

[owhat 2]

I don't have anything against short stories. In fact I think some people prefer ones that get to the point.