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Showing results for tags 'mental health'.
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I've never posted in this forum before so idk if it's okay for me to make this post here or if it would work better as a status update but I don't have anywhere else really to talk about this so okay here we go. I write fanfiction. I've been a writer my whole life, literally since before I could hold a pen, and I've been writing specifically fanfiction since I was eleven, way back in 2004/05. I made my first online account for fic when I was fourteen, summer of 2008, and I never looked back. My ex and I used to write a lot of original works together and we had a bunch of OCs (original characters) that we'd created together over the years but as it's doubtful I'll ever speak to her again the likelihood of me ever writing something that's not purely fanfiction is pretty slim now. Not that it matters, because fanfic is my life blood and the one thing I've always consistently enjoyed doing, and known I was good at. People tend to look down on it as a lesser art because I guess it's stereotypically full of preteen girls who write about their fav male characters or celebrities hooking up with them in random, unrealistic scenarios, and the writing is usually really cringeworthy. Not that there's anything wrong with that particular type of writing as we all start somewhere and I know I wrote a fair amount of it back in the day. But the fic I read and write nowadays is often better than most traditionally published novels. Anyway, onto the point: after my ex left me the fifth time, back in February, I spiraled just as hard as I did the first four times. You'd think I'd have learned by now, but I'm a slow learner. The first two times she left me we went low contact so she wasn't totally out of my life and I was like, okay, I'll just write my way out of these feelings. It was really easy, especially the second time. I always turn to writing first when I need something. The third time she left we went no contact for six months and this was in 2020 so you can imagine on top of every other fucking fuck-awful thing going on in the world, dealing with my depression over not having her in my life at all for the first time in seven years was... impossible to deal with. I spiraled so bad I had a mental breakdown. My OCD and anxiety both got well out of my control and I ended up damaging my relationship with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law pretty badly before I finally caved and got a therapist, and then a psychiatrist. During that time my ex came back unexpectedly and I was beyond thrilled, but while she was gone and my OCD was overtaking my life I lost the ability to write. I became scrupulous with religion and I thought if I wrote God would punish me, my family, and the whole world. I had heavy serious debates with myself about whether I should just delete all my accounts, as well as all the files on my computer. Maybe even get rid of the computer entirely. I was looking into becoming a nun. I was so miserable. It was a shitty, lonely time. So when my ex returned I was happy to have her but I still couldn't write. It took almost two months to work my way back into being able to write again, and I had to do it in stages: I remember reading all my old works, essentially in chronological order, and when nothing happened I'd move on to the next "era" of my writing career. Eventually I got over not cursing (I had to write curse words in code, like first I said 'f off' and then 'fk off' and so on) and once I was there I figured I could write like before. And I did. And it was spectacular. From very late August 2020 to Feb. 2021, things were back to normal, plus I was mentally better off, my ex and I were communicating more clearly, etc. Then like I said she left again, second time going no contact, and I spiraled. But I hit the brakes this time. I didn't want to go back into that sheltered, scrupulous, pious, terrified life. I physically and mentally didn't think I'd be able to handle it a second time. And with my medication and my therapy I was able to rationalize to myself that I didn't have to, and now I'm here almost five months later, still mostly functioning, listening to the music I want, reading the fics I want, writing, etc. Things are fine except that my ex isn't here, but things are fine other than that. Certainly better than last year at this same time. What an utter fucking disaster. But without my ex I have very little confidence in my writing. This year was our eighth year of knowing each other, and essentially since we met everything I wrote went to her first. We met because of writing, and more specifically because of my writing, so it was a major topic of conversation between us, even when things were falling apart and at their worst we always had writing to fall back on. A few weeks ago I did try to tell myself that I wrote without her for the first twenty years of my life, and the only reason her presence gave me confidence was because I'd write something, hate it, send it to her, get her feedback that she loved it, and then decide it was fine. So really my writing has always been fine, I just liked having the confidence boost. Once I figured that out, I wrote a little more. I've published two things to AO3 since she left (well, really I've published three things since she left, but I wrote one at the very beginning of the year before she was gone, so that's two things I've written and published since she left). I like both, one more than the other, but I do like both, I know they're both good, not to sound pretentious or cocky but I am a good writer and I know I'm a good writer. I always have been. I don't bang out as many little private short fics as I did before because I have no one to share them with but aside from the two longfics I published to AO3 I've also written multiple angry freeverse poems (about her, obviously) which I've posted on Reddit, as well as a few short fics for Tumblr. The poems don't get much interaction but I didn't expect them to, so it's fine. The short fics don't either and that's also fine, they're for a small fandom. The longfics on AO3, though? They should've gotten more interaction. One is in the Batman fandom, and the other is in the Captain America fandom. And they're both kind of niche, and one is for a rarepair, but I've posted about them on other forums before and people acted interested, especially wrt the Capt. America one. Like, I've made I think four posts on Reddit asking for advice on that fic and people have responded big time and acted interested in the topic. And because I'm moving this week and also am very impatient, I decided to start posting said fic before I was done writing it, just to get it out there. Nothing. I posted it yesterday, over 24 hours ago at this point. Literally nothing. It's gotten five kudos, which is a shitty turnout for this amount of time, at least in my experience. It has well over a hundred hits, though, which means it's been looked at and ignored by fifty times the amount of people who have interacted with it. No bookmarks. No comments. None. Not even one of those pathetic comments people leave sometimes where they're like "good so far!" Just... zilch. And it's the same with the Batman fic. That one's about a really niche kink (not omo) but the pairing is popular, and people tend to like BDSM type stuff so I thought it would get traction, but I posted it about two weeks ago and it has 17 kudos. For comparison, the best reaction on AO3 I've ever gotten was when I posted Kylux, both times I got over 100 kudos in under 24 hours, and the number climbed steadily over the next few days until it hit about 400 on both. My other Batman fics have 222 kudos over the course of four months, and 81 kudos in three months (that's the omo one). And the last time I wrote anything Marvel-related was almost ten years ago, but back then I got a good turnout, and my writing was fucking shitty! I was writing for a more popular pairing but it wasn't even the most popular, and you can definitely tell I was eighteen/nineteen when I wrote it. But it still got a good-ass viewing. Idk my feelings are just really hurt. I tried to push past that uncertainty I felt about my ex not being here to support me and reassure me and just post stuff and get attention anyway, because on Reddit I've gotten a relative amount of attention on most of my posts (I've been much more active on there since she left), so I thought maybe people were paying attention to me. And like I said people expressed interest even in my niche Capt. America fic, but as soon as it went up they all vanished. I just... never know what to do when this stuff happens, especially because it doesn't happen to me very often. I'm going to be 28 in less than three months so you'd think I'd have my shit together by now and wouldn't get so hung up on whether people are paying attention to my writing or not, but I'm an unemployed fuck-up still living in her parents' home and they're literally forcing me to move out because they can't get rid of me otherwise, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
- 8 replies
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- not omo related
- fanfiction
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(and 2 more)
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Hey everyone! I know that we are all here for a good time and to talk about a topic we all find arousing in one way or another, but I wanted to take a moment and discuss something that has been weighing on my mind as of late. We are a community (at least I see this site as such), so I think it's only fair that we discuss the positive parts of this fetish with the challenging parts. First, the background. I am in my early 30s and live in the Western US. I am in a fantastic relationship with the women that, I have no doubt, will be my wife someday. We have known each other for a few years as friends, but just recently started to see each other romantically a year ago. More than likely because of our "friendship-first" origin story, we have a deep and passionate connection. Everything about our relationship just "clicks" and feels like it was always meant to be. Even our fights seem to fit and we usually come out of them with a better and healthier understanding of one another. I say all of this not to brag but to truly communicate to all of you how right I feel with this women. I will also note that she is almost 100% aware of my fetish for Omo and was super understanding and caring when I told her (though she does not get aroused by it as I do). I say "almost 100%" because I have told her most of my fantasies and arousals pertaining to Omo, but there are nuances that I haven't shared because they are a bit more fringe. For example, I have told her how much I want to see her have an accident while we are on a road trip. I haven't yet told her that I would also like to see that if she were wearing a diaper. I have told her that I occasionally like to hold and wet, I haven't yet told her how that is an area I want to explore more with her and possibly introduce diapers into my holding. You get the idea. So, she knows what I am into for the most part and is accepting of it. More than that, she has indulged me from time-to-time. She has held until she had an accident in her jeans twice (a dress three times!), she has gone down on me while holding and wet her panties before I finished, and she has held a few times during sex (having an accident in bed one of those times). All in all, I am a supremely lucky guy. That is what brings me here. Given everything I just shared, I still crave more. As this year has gone by, our kinky play time has decreased a lot (to zero, in fact). We talked about it openly and she said that she is not feeling so comfortable in her own skin right now (we both put on a little quarantine weight), and she needs to feel proud of herself before she is willing to indulge my fetish. This is a perfectly reasonable and healthy request and I told her that I would not push the issue or request anything related to kink until she brought it up again. She told me that she felt badly about it and said that she would not feel sad or upset if I used videos from this and other Omo sites to help me fulfill that part of me when alone. So I started doing just that. When she next inquired about it, I was honest with her and told her that I had been pleasing myself to Omo videos (mind you, or non-omo sex life has not decreased much save the occasional work overload that happens to everyone for a week or so). When I told her this, the words that came from her mouth were supportive and positive, but the sentiment and look in her eyes was sadness and self-doubt. So, I stopped telling her about the times that I kink-play and it has, once again, become my own personal secret. The title of this post is kink guilt, so let me share all that I am feeling on the subject. First, I feel guilt around the fact that I am not being completely open with her about my alone time. I did try once more to tell her I kink-played a few weeks after the first time and it went exactly the same way. I desperately want to be honest with her, but I also feel a strong urge to protect her emotions. This leads into the second part of the guilt. I feel guilty that there is a part of me that makes her sad and has the potential to hurt her. I love her more that words can express, so the idea that a part of my sexual identity could cause her pain is a pretty hard thing to cope with. The third layer of guilt is around my inability to just turn that part of my off. I feel guilty that has so little control over myself that I can't just put these mental fantasies away until she is ready to engage with them again (if she ever is). I tried when we first had our discussion and it worked for a while. Then I found myself waking up in the middle of the night after a particularly kinky dream and absolutely CRAVING wet sex. I was able to channel my desires into non-omg sex (which was amazing given my need), but when we were done, she asked where that came from and I had to withhold the truth again; see guilt layer one. The last layer of guilt is centered around greed. Here I am with this ridiculously kind, beautiful, smart, sexy woman that loves me as much as I love her and I am still wanting for something?! If you were to ask a version of me from a few years ago, I would have traded my left kidney for even a chance to be in the relationship I am now. I feel guilty that I cannot just be blissfully happy with her and appreciate what I have in front of me. I post this today for a myriad of reasons. One, I indulged today and wet myself while watching kinky videos and then had a glorious orgasm. Sadly, euphoria was immediately replaced by the ever-familiar guilt and self-loathing. This made me think that maybe it would help to share with someone (or a lot of someones in this case!). The second reason stems from the first. If I am feeling this way, there may be others that are as well, and it may be helpful to hear that they are not alone. Lastly, I am curious to see if any of you find community members have felt with this before and can offer some sage advice to me and anyone else following this thread. I was a lurker for many years before finally posting here, so I know there is a lot that can be learned by simply reading replies. If any of these reasons speak true, then the time spent writing this would have been worth it. Any way, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I will see all of you in the comments (hopefully!).
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♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ Hello everyone! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ Some of you might know me, most of you don't. I post sometimes and I've made a lot of friends on here. I just want to make a big post so it's easier than messaging everyone... I struggle with BPD, if any of you don't know what it is look here: http://www.mentalhealth.com/home/dx/borderlinepersonality.html I have ruined a lot of relationships because of this. No matter if the other is a jerk, BPD makes me 10x more of a jerk. Emotions I feel, they blast out of me and I can't shut up about everything I am thinking and panicking about. Lately, I've been through a rough patch with a heart attack, family dying, home problems, PTSD and suicidal thoughts. These problems are in the past now, this week I've overcome them. But BPD is not as easy as it hurts everyone I talk to, if only they knew about it and could just ignore me... I try so hard to make people happy because I don't want them to know BPD is a part of me, since no medication helps and there's a low chance I'll get better. I've never told anyone I have it because I try really hard to keep the people I love, but these past few months I've been so vulnerable and stressed (which makes it 10x worse) that I haven't paid much attention and I've hurt too many loved ones. Anyway, I'm taking a break from the internet. Facebook, twitter, instagram, youtube, omo, literally everything. I'm not talking to anyone anymore, even friends, as I've realized it's better for them if I am alone, I'm not saying this as a mean thing. Some people stress me out too far or aren't direct enough with how they feel towards me, which BPD can take a toll if I don't calm down quick enough. I need to figure out ways to calm down easier than meditation (which has helped me a lot the past week) and teach myself to not use such sad or angry responses and thoughts so quickly. For two weeks, I'm going to completely cut myself off from the media world, except for Netflix (honestly, I need some entertainment). I won't be using my phone, or laptop unless it's video games. Although, I will check omo until April 1st, so if any of you have any suggestions please post them! I need to keep myself busy for the next 2-4 weeks as I won't be talking to anyone but co-workers and family (forced to really) but I will post occasionally on this topic ONLY. I REALLY AM TRYING TO GET BETTER 110% SO THAT I NEVER RUIN ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP AGAIN. I am a positive, strong and loving person, I try really hard and I am determined that I can beat anything! ❀ I like: baking; muffins are my favorite tv shows; anime and british shows are the best movies; distopia/utopia/different worlds painting; any ideas?? (no fetish as it's going on my walls lol) drawing; yes ok request some fetish if you'd like BUT all characters need a pet or I swear to god... hair; I am a hairstylist who loves odd and creative hairdos and braids so any of you want a picture replica of some anime shit or scifi (especially braids or sick mohawks) I'll post a picture mini paint stories; i love making gifs and such with paint on my laptop, it can be fetish or not (i like funny things) also drawing; give me a picture and add what you'd like it to change (favorite show character who is sooo close to that toilet but didnt make it) or a picture of anything morphed like human and pet, or two people like babies or just something thatd look like two people (idfk, a threeheaded dumbledore) If you have anything you like to do, that is fun and not pricey, please let me know! I also love pc games; mmorpgs yo or anything I can download. Thank you guys, see you soon! xx ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
- 17 replies
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- bpd
- mental health
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