Search the Community

Author's note: h I couldn't think of a better title, but here it is The fic is below: Spamton was just chilling in the dumpster where he lives when he noticed a need to pee. Due to the overwhelming urge to always announce his presence, he yelled out “HEY EVERY !! IT’S ME! EV3RY BUDDY’S FAVORITE [[Number 1 Rated Salesman1997]], SPAM-SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!!” He then did his signature laugh, he landed and then noticed Kris. WOAH!! IF IT ISN’T A...LIGHT nER!! HEY-HE Y HEY!!!” A throb from his bladder tried to steer Spamton back onto the track he was on before, yet this pretty much did nothing as he ignored the feeling his body gave him. “LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE [[All Alone On A Late Night?]]” Kris just...blinked in confusion at this. They were about to say something, before Spamton continued. “ALL YOUR FRIENDS [[Abandoned you for the slime]] YOU ARE? SALES GONE DOWN THE [[Drain]] [[Drain]]?? LIVING IN A GODDAMN GARBAGE CAN???” In frustration he slammed his door against it, causing another throb in his bladder, which once again he ignored. “Uhhhh?” Kris asked, completely confused. Spamton ignored this, much like he was ignoring his bladder. “WELL HAVE I GOT A [[SPECIL DEAL]] FOR LONELY [[HEARTS]] LIKE YOU!! IF YOU’VE [[Lost Control Of Your Life]]-” Another throb caused Spamton to pause, he squirmed to try and take the edge off his need to pee, abelit unconsciously. “Uhm...Spamton, was it? You seem bothered by something-” “I’M [[totally fine]]! ANYWAY IF YOU’VE [[Lost Control Of Your Life]] THEN YOU JUST GOTTA GRAB IT BY THE [[Silly Strings]], WHY BE THE [[Little Sponge]] THAT HATES IT’S [[$4.99]] LIFE, WHEN YOU CAN BE A [[BIG SHOT!!! BIG SHOT!!!!, BIG SHOT!!!]]” “...Uh...really? But I don’t wanna-” Kris held their arms up, trying to indicate they weren’t interested, but Spamton continued. At this point Spamton was shaking with excitement, but Kris still had the feeling something was off. Well, everything about Spamton was off, but more so like...he was hiding something, or maybe just not noticing? “Maybe you should rest-” “YOU WANNA MISS YOUR CHANCE TO BE A [[BIG SHOT]]?! NO WAY! TELL YOU WHAT, I HAVE SOME [[Hyperlink Blocked]] FOR YOU. YOU WANT SOME [[Hyperlink Blocked]], RIGHT? YOU TOTALLY DO! ANYWAY, IN EXCHANGE YOU MUST SHOW ME YOUR [[Heartshapedobject]]. YOU’RE LIGHT neR< AREN’T YOU? YOU’VE GOT THE [[LIGHT.]] WHY DON’T YOU [[Show it off?]]” He broke into laughter, pressing his legs together and bouncing a little on the spot. Kris sighed. They REALLY didn’t wanna fight them, especially with their odd behavior. Even as Spamton finished his laugh and the battle began, he still had his legs pressed together, squirming. As soon as he saw Kris’s soul, his hand shot to his crotch, his bladder having trouble keeping up with the excitement. Kris pieced everything together and figured out exactly what was going on. “Err, shouldn’t you-” Kris began to say, but Spamton promptly cut them off. “IT’S YOUR [[Turn]] ISN’T IT? THEN TAKE IT.” Kris sighed, they’d have to use a proper command if they had any hope of getting through to Spamton. Unfortunately, the options for ACTing were naturally limited to things only directly related to the battle, but fortunately they could get Spamton into a position to be spared and prevent Spamton’s accident. Or at the very least, spare him. Kris wasn’t sure if it COULD be prevented at this point. “Let’s make a deal.” Spamton’s other hand shot to his crotch, you could tell this made him giddy. “HEY HEY HEY! I’VE NEVER SEEN A [HeartShapedObject] LIKE THAT BEFORE!!” Kris sighed in relief, they seemed to be headed in the right direction. “MY EYES ARE [[Burning]] LIKE [[Dvds of ANY movie at Half-pr1ce!]] I HAVE A VERY SPECIL [Deal] FOR YOU KID!” “Tell me more.” Kris replied. A shiver shot up Spamton’s spine, he even leaked into his underwear. “THAT’S THE ATTITUDE YOU LITTLE [Slime]! DEALS LIKE THIS ONLY COME ONCE IN YOUR [[Ant-sized]] [[Rapidly-shrinking]] LIFE!!” Kris dodged all of his attacks, but now they had to do the process all over again. “Let’s continue discussing our deal.” Kris said, trying to put on their best “confident business person” voice. More shivers. More leaks. By now, Spamton did notice his underwear was...wet, but he chalked it up to probably just being “excitement sweat”. He DID however, dig his hands into his crotch, needless to say Kris thought now for sure there was no way Spamton would make it to the bathroom, but hey, being able to spare him at least was a win. “BELIEVE IT OR !! I USED TO BE A BIG SHOT, THE BIGGEST! BUT NOW... I NEED A LITTLE [[GENORISITY]].” “Generosity?” Kris asked. “I’m not giving you a hand out- “THAT’S RIGHT AND I DON’T MEAN [Money]!!! I’M A SALESMAN , I WAS NEVER IN IT FOR THE MONEY!!!” Kris had a blank expression. Well, their expression normally WAS blank. Dodging yet another set of attacks, it soon rolled back to Kris’s turn. “Uhh...why did you do it, then?” In response to this, he doubled over, trying to put as much pressure on his bladder as possible. Spamton’s leaks became more frequent, now showing up on his pants, some even dripped between his fingers. “I WAS ONLY EVER IN IT FOR THE [Freedom]. TO MAKE YOUR OWN [Deals] TO CALL YOUR OWN [Shots] AND SOMETIMES IN THE MORNING, A LITTLE [Hyperlink Blocked] SOUNDS GOOD, DOESN;T IT?KID? DON’T YOU W4NT TO BE JUST LIKE YOUR OLD PAL SPAMTON??? TAKE THE DE4L.” “Ok, I’ll take the deal.” Kris agreed, causing more pee to spurt from Spamton, creating a small puddle underneath him. “NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABO4T! YOU GOT [Guts] KID!! THAT’S [[Discomfort And Abdominal Pain]] IN MY [[Guts]]!!” Another turn, more dodging. “How do I know this deal is for sure safe, though?” Kris asked. “DON’T WORRY KID I WILL GIVE YOU [Deal Insurance] ONLY FOR THE LOW, LOW PRICE OF 1000 KROMER. AN AWESOME PRICE.! AN ABSOLUTELY [[Terrifying]] PRICE, PRICES SO LOW EVERYONE I KNOW IS [[Dead]]!!” Yet another turn. “Err...I don’t need any Deal Insurance.” Kris declined. “HAHAHAHA HAHAHA PLEASE STOP [Killing] ME I WILL GIVE Y OU ANOTHER DEAL.” “Ok, lay it on me.” Kris said, finally there was a light at the end of the tunnel… “DON’T WORRY KIDS I’M AN [HonestMan] I JUST NEED YOUR [Account Details] AND THE [Number on theB4ck!] THEN YOU CAN ENJOY 1000 FREE KROmer.” “I don’t need that much money.” Kris refused. “WHAT!?!?! YOU DON”T NEED IT!?!?! THAT’S A REAL BIGSHOT MOVE KID!!! YOU’RE LIKE ME…[Desperate] BUT WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT, DON’T WE!? W1LD PR1ZES, HOTSINGLE, 100 CUSTOMER, AND MOST OF ALL [Hyperlink Blocked] WILL YOU TAKE THE FINAL DEAL!? REMEMBER...THIS IS UP TO YOU, I WOn’T FORCE YOU.” Kris simply answered. “Deal.” That was enough to make Spamton burst. The hot stream of piss that had been aching to be released and had in fact, managed to sneak it’s way out multiple times came out unimpeded, cascading past his hands and down his legs. Every atom of Spamton’s being felt blissful in that moment. He gently breathed “Kromer”, paying no attention to the growing puddle spreading beneath him. It seemed to continue on forever, Kris even having to step back to prevent it from getting on them. It was a...surreal experience, to say the least. One neither of them would be forgetting, and especially not anytime soon. “Haah...haah...that was one of the best times of my life…” Eventually though, the stream had slowed down, and came to a stop. Spamton let go of his crotch, straightened himself, and wiped it on his pants. He held it out to Kris, and they reluctantly shook it. “THEN A DEAL’S A DEAL!!! PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU KID!!!” “U-U-Uh yeah…” Kris replied. “H-Here’s your Kromer. Do you want me to help you get cleaned up or something?” Spamton stared down at the puddle beneath them. It was fairly sizable, especially compared to his size. “...Wow.” Then realization dawned on him. “OH, I [[Remember]] NOW! I LEFT MY DUMPSTER HOME TO TAKE A PISS!” Stunned silence. They stared at each other for a few moments before Kris spoke up. “...Then why did you try to make a business deal with me, then?” Kris asked. “WELL, IN BUSINESS, YOU HAVE TO TAKE ANY [[Opportunity]] YOU GET. YOU WERE CLEARLY AN [[Esteemed Customer]], SO NO WAY COULD I IGNORE YOU. “Uh-huh. Isn’t the call of nature important?” “NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE CALL OF [[Business] and [[Targeted Advertising]].” Spamton replied, huffy. “NOT LIKE I DON’T HAVE SPARE [[Pants]] ANYWAY. OH, REMEMBER TO VISIT MY [[Home-made Storefront Site]]. IN THE [[Trash Area Closed For Repairs]]. COME...ALONE.” “...Yeah, maybe I will.” Kris shrugged.