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SashaButters

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SashaButters last won the day on March 27 2016

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About SashaButters

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    Future Crazy Cat Lady
  • Birthday 03/29/1991

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    she/her

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  1. Chapter 9 Danielle had been quiet since they had returned to the waiting room. If she had been angry with Ella before, she didn’t show it. Her attention was now drawn to the fold of her left arm, cradling her elbow in her right hand, as if it might pop off at the joint at any second. A small, white pad of gauze stuck to the inside crease by a clear line of tape. “The doctor wants to follow up with Ella in two weeks since she can’t have a live vaccine yet.” the secretary said. “You’re lucky you didn’t have to get a shot.” Danielle said, looking away from the offending injury for the first time. Ella noticed her face looked ashen and pale, as if she had been held down and tortured downstairs. She supposed to Danielle, she thought she had been. Ella wanted to point out that she had just been violated by what felt like a garden hose, but didn’t have the energy to fish out her notebook. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. It just hurt. She wondered why they had bothered to check for an injury before turning her into a human water balloon and not after. It made no sense. Instead, she lifelessly gave her head a small nod at Danielle, who seemed pleased that Ella understood she had gotten off easy. “He also suggested you pick up a tube of Lidocaine topical ointment from the pharmacy. He’s written her a prescription for that as well to help with any pain or irritation. As for the chicken pox, he suggests an oatmeal bath to help alleviate the itching.” The secretary said. Suddenly she stood and beamed at Ella. “I heard you did really well in there!” She praised. Ella sunk down a little lower in her seat. The secretary laughed before turning back to Heather. “She’s such a cutie! How old is she?” “Ten!” Heather answered turning to smile at Ella. “Ten!?” the lady said, sounding shocked. “She’s so tiny though!” They both stared at her now. Ella hid behind her arms. The sudden attention made her uncomfortable. The only people she normally interacted with were a rotating staff of regular nurses, and they usually didn’t find her so cute after she had sunken her teeth into the flesh of their arm. Rose was the only one who had been up for the challenge and she had learned very quickly to wear long sleeves. “Well, I better get this little one home. She looks beat.” Heather said. Ella nodded, wanting nothing more than to just curl up in bed. “Before you go, since you were such a trooper, would you like a treat?” The lady held out a box towards Ella’s direction. Ella looked blankly at her followed by Heather. Her new mom smiled and gave her a nod of encouragement. Ella slowly stood up, grimacing as she hobbled over to the chorus of, “Aww’s,” and “Poor Thing.” Without looking, she pulled out the first thing her hand came in contact with. It was a Ring Pop. She smiled weakly, placing her palm on her chin before moving it outward. “Thank you,” was only one of the few things she knew how to properly sign. The rest she tended to mime out the best she could. “Fake it ‘till you make it!” as Rose used to say. Danielle rose to her feet. “Can I have one too?” The secretary glanced up, looking surprised as if noticing Danielle’s presence in the room for the first time. “They’re for the younger kids.” She hurriedly thrust the box back under the desk and busied herself with paperwork. “O-oh,” Danielle said softly. For a split second a look of hurt flashed across her face at the abrupt denial. Ella wondered for a brief moment if she had imagined it as well as it had come and gone as quickly as the earlier look of malice. “It-Its okay, we always go out for Baskin Robbins after.” She held up her bandaged arm for clarification. “Not today, Danielle, I need to get Ella home.” Heather said, turning to leave. “We have plenty of junk food at home.” Ella felt a small surge of gratitude. Unless that trip to Baskin Robbins included a scoop down the back of her pants, the thought of ice cream sounded about as unappealing as Paige walking through that door and saying she couldn’t leave until she pooped one more time. She felt even more grateful when Heather scooped her up after she saw her attempting a painful waddle. The sour look stayed on Danielle’s face a few seconds longer than last time, before returning to its usual self, albeit with a tinge of a frown. Ella had to hand it to her; she could sure bounce back. Maybe she felt as terrible as Ella did and decided ice cream didn’t sound that great after all. “I’m supposed to watch what I eat anyway; I've got soccer tryouts next week. Fingers crossed, right?” Danielle said to the secretary. She got no reply. Three strikes and she was out. By the time they made it to the car, Ella took back her original assessment. Danielle looked absolutely heartbroken. They rode in silence for the next ten minutes as Ella closed her eyes, grimacing at every bump in the road. When the car stopped, she lifted her head expecting to be in their driveway, but instead found herself in the drive thru of a Walgreens. “Will you stop sulking?” Heather said suddenly, sounding irritated. “I am not sulking!” Danielle snapped back. “You act like it’s the end of the world every time you have to get a simple test done!” “I was dizzy and I fell!” “No, what you did was put on a show!” Heather said, her voice rising. “Everything went dark; I got scared.” Danielle mumbled. “You’re the big sister now. You should be setting a good example. Ella put you to shame in there! I’m sure she didn’t have fun with what she had to do, but you didn’t see her crying about it. You need to start acting your age! You’re almost 13!” Ella inwardly groaned. She wished Heather would leave her out of this. Besides, Heather was wrong. Ella had cried plenty. Heather just hadn’t been there to see it. She stole a quick look at Danielle, who was practically shaking in her seat as she bit into her knuckles, eyes cinched tight. That’s when Ella remembered Emily Masterson, the girl who had ratted her out to security on her first night after Ella had decided to take an impromptu run down the hall naked and hide in Emily’s closet. Ella had never considered her a friend, but she remembered Emily having to go lie down after any kind of injection. Once, they had had to get Iv’s together, and she got all sweaty and started swaying side to side. The nurses had to bring her a pint of orange juice and a cookie to make her feel better. “Squeamish” was what Rose had called her. She thought back to how Danielle had looked in the waiting room, all quiet and pale. Her new sister may have a flair for the dramatic, but she hadn’t looked like she was “putting on a show.” Emily had fallen once, so maybe Danielle was “squeamish” too. Ella reached into her pocket and felt the Ring Pop. Maybe Danielle needed sugar? She pulled it out and began to hand it to Danielle, but Heather’s voice startled her into dropping it on the floor. “Don’t! She’s just upset because we’re not stopping for ice cream. She needs to learn that life will not reward her everytime time she faces a minor inconvenience.” Heather snapped. Ella shuddered. Danielle smiled weakly at her, but she couldn’t hide the tears anymore, and Ella knew this had nothing to do with getting ice cream. “Thanks,” Danielle mumbled, bending down and handing the sucker back. “But it’s yours.” Ella looked at the sucker and frowned. She was confused. Sure she had had a rough time at the drs, but hadn’t Danielle too? They had both faced their fears, so then why? Didn’t it make more sense to be afraid of needles than bathrooms? They had both done unpleasant things, so why was Ella being coddled and Danielle chastised? Why had she gotten the candy? She wasn’t a little kid either. Did two years really make that much of a difference? Ella thought of the blood. Danielle’s just getting older. She shuddered. She didn’t want to get older, and yet... she had. Those two years that meant the difference between punishment and reward.. It was the same amount of time that had passed her by. If these two years were so important, just what had she missed out on? …………………………………………………………………………………………………………. When they got home, Ella made a beeline for the bedroom. Heather and Danielle’s constant bickering was giving her a headache. She was itchy, sore, and overall just plain miserable. When she got to her side of the room, she kicked her shoes off, peeled off her socks, and let her too-big shorts fall to the floor with a dull thud. It felt too weird going around commando. She searched around for underwear, but was dismayed to find none. All she could find was the torn open bag of pull ups sitting on the floor by her dresser. Figuring it was better than nothing, she stepped inside the leg holes and hoisted them up to her hips. Feeling slightly more at peace, she kicked her clothes into a pile on the floor before climbing onto the bed and letting herself fall face first into her pillow. Her body felt like dead weight. She was so utterly exhausted, but she couldn’t seem to fall asleep. She had over shot tired, and now as a result ,was unbearably restless. She turned from one side to the other in an attempt to get comfortable. Her shirt kept getting twisted as she moved helplessly about, so without a second thought, she pulled it over her head and let it fall onto the floor with the rest of her clothes. Ella laid spread out, wearing nothing but a Disney princess themed pull up on the top of the comforter. The stifling heat and stuffy air made the idea of getting under the covers sound about as unappealing as another round of chemo. She was vaguely aware she was running a fever, but all she could do was keep flipping and rotating her pillow in search of a cool spot to rest her burning face. She wished she could push a button and have someone bring her a fan like she could in the hospital. Even for someone to come open the window would do. The thought of doing it herself crossed her mind, but the idea of getting up and dragging herself across the room seemed a monumental task in her current state. Rose would have had a cow if she caught her out of bed sick. Ella remembered the last time she had been running a fever. Santa had come early that year and had left all the good little boys and girls of floor three, Influenza type A. The nurses had also given them an early Christmas present two weeks prior. Flu shots. For type B. The call buttons had been chiming like Christmas bells ringing in the holidays. Ella had knocked a crayon off her tray and it had rolled off the bed and onto the floor five feet away. She thought nothing of it until her picture required a certain shade of blue, and only that shade of blue would do. The sea and the sky were not the same color after all. She pressed the call button and waited. And waited. And waited. No one came. She looked across the room willing the crayon to roll back, but as it turned out, the trade off for radiation treatments was not super powers. Unless projectile vomiting on school bullies counted, Batman (who was really just Pedro from janitorial in a cheap batman costume) was wrong. She wasn’t a hero. What kind of hero couldn’t even get a crayon to roll back to them? Her frustration level rose with every passing second. She had had a terrible few days. She was coughing up hail sized chunks of phlegm the same color of the christmas tree in Kids Korner. Her chest ached and rattled with every cough, and as for her throat... it wouldn’t have surprised her to learn that her lung butter was the same hue as the pine needles from the christmas tree in Kids Korner because she was coughing up the pine needles from the christmas tree in Kids Korner. Rose had told her to distract herself from how miserable she felt and snuck her a fist full of crayons. It was as if Rose had handed her a fist full of gold. Sure, Ella could get a hold of the basic eight staple colors, but in this handful was magenta, silver, blood orange, three different shades of green and two of blue. The excitement had given her just enough energy to sit up and color. She wondered how Rose had gotten her hands on this? Word in Kid’s Korner was Steve Mason, the 13-year-old with the trach tube, could get you anything you wanted within reason. For a price. He had a fairly successful black market going on for a bit before he got moved to a different floor. Ella had even got up the nerve to slip him a note once asking for a few markers and colored pencils. She was ecstatic when he had slipped her a reply back underneath the table...that was until she read his demands. A number 10 from Mcdonalds with a large coke. Money wasn’t the currency here. The currency was food. Specifically food from the outside. You wanted a favor? You paid for it in chicken nuggets and type 2 diabetes. Her heart had sunk. It was an impossible request. Black market trading she had learned, was for kids who had parents and visitors. Her visitors had dried up long ago when the awkwardness of sitting in silence had become too much to bear for them. Then they sent letters. But now, even those had stopped some months ago. Visitors, contraband, and chicken nuggets were the farthest thing from Ella’s mind. “Small steps.” and “Divide and conquer” was Rose’s advice to her. If she focused on conquering small goals, she wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed with her slow progress. Her small goal now was that damn sky blue crayon across the room. If no one was coming to help her and telekinetic powers (or lack of) didn’t help, she’d just have to get up and get it herself. She wasn’t allowed out of bed, but rules be damned. She had made it halfway there, but froze when Rose opened the door. Ella knew she was in trouble when Rose pulled out her green key chain of a flip-flop and shook it at her before chasing her back into bed. Rose had begun muttering under her breath in Spanish. Ella didn’t have to be bi-lingual to understand what she meant. “If I had a real sandal; i’d smack you with it.” ………………………………………………………………………………………………….. “I see you’ve made yourself at home.” Ella was brought back to the present to find Danielle leaning against the doorframe staring at her spread out nearly naked on the bed. She was miserable and modestly was the furthest priority at the moment. “Here” she heard before something landed next to her on the bed. “Mom told me to tell you to drink it.” Ella reached out her hand and groped blindly until it landed on something cold. Instead of drinking it, she drew it into a hug keeping it pressed against her chest. “You hot or something? It’s kind of cold in here.” Danielle remarked. Ella was flabbergasted. Cold? It had to be a 100 degrees in here at least. Ella nodded, pulling at an imaginary collar around her neck. She heard the window slide open. Although there was no breeze, she found the fresh air to be refreshing. “Oh man! Does it itch?” Danielle asked. Ella opened her eyes again and found Danielle hovering over her and examining her body as one would something gross, yet oddly fascinating. Ella nodded again before flipping on her stomach and burying her face in her pillow. She didn’t feel like trying to communicate. She just wanted to be left alone- that was until she felt fingernails begin to run up and down her back. She quickly decided she didn’t mind the company after all. In child black market standards, this kind of service would have cost her an M&m Mcflurry easily. She had almost managed to fall asleep when Heather's angry voice from the doorway made both of them jump. Her heart hammered and she could feel the pull-up between her legs growing wet. “What do you think you’re doing?!” What little peace and relaxation she had been able to obtain was gone in the blink of an eye. Danielle sat on the edge of Ella’s bed stammering. “Huh? Wha-” “Look at her back! It’s full of finger nail scratches!” “Sh-She said she was itchy! I- I was just trying to make her feel better!” “I’m supposed to keep her from scratching! I send you up with a bottle of water and find you’ve taken what looks like razor blades to her back. What do you think CPS is going to say if they see that?” “I-I didn’t know! I’m sorry!” “Don’t you ever think before you act?” Heather snapped. Ella curled up into a ball on the bed. Something that felt like hands was squeezing her lungs again. She wanted to get up and leave, but couldn’t move. She could hear Heather’s angry footfalls coming towards her. She felt a cool hand trace the bumps on her back. Any other time and place but now, she would have found the gesture soothing. Suddenly the hand went lower and made contact with the now sodden garment. She heard Heather's breath hitch. “You’re not supposed to use these any more.” While the voice had been gentler than the one used with Danielle, it still caused her to hide her face under her arms. “I was going to bring up the mop bucket. You can just kind of, I don’t know, keep it under your bed until you need it I guess. At least until we can figure out a better idea.” “A bucket? Really?” Danielle couldn’t stop herself from asking. “In my bedroom? It’s going to stink up my room!” “Then just empty it!” “Eww! No, that’s disgusting!’ “It is not just your bedroom anymore. When we decided to take Ella in we all agree-” “No, mom! I didn’t agree to anything! You decided to chop up my room and make me share it instead of converting the office into another bedroom. Now you’re expecting me to be okay with someone taking a dump in my room! This is my space!” “Where am I supposed to put it?” Heather said, throwing her hands up. “Oh, I don’t know. How about the office that should have been her room in the first place!” “I am not moving her into the office. End of discussion!” “Then just put the bucket in there!” “No, I work there.” “I sleep here!” Ella’s head was pounding.She couldn’t take their arguing anymore! She wanted to tell them they could just leave it in the backyard for all she cared. She grabbed the blanket off the top of the bed and began walking off with it while ignoring Heather’s questions about where she was going. Her nerves were completely shot. “You need to get cleaned up!” Heather yelled after her. “Don’t sit on anything, I’ll be right there.” Ella slammed the bedroom door closed behind her and went into the next closest room. She hadn’t explored the house yet and now seemed a good enough time as any. She didn’t care if Heather chased her with a sandal later, she just needed to be alone. The room she had entered must have been the office Heather and Danielle had been talking about. There was a desk on the far side of the room with a laptop. On the other side of the room was a couch facing a small flat screen tv mounted on the wall. She thought about snuggling up on the couch, but knew Heather would quickly find her. What she wanted more than anything was to be alone, so she made due with the best hiding place she could find. Under the desk. She used the blanket to make herself a little place to curl up, before crawling in and sealing the entrance to her “cave” with the computer chair to hide her. She thought she had been well hidden, but Heather had immediately spotted her the moment she walked in. “Ella, what are you doing? Come out of there.” Ella shook her head and scooted herself away as far as possible. Heather moved the chair out of the way and squatted down in front of her. She dropped the notebook and pencil in front of her before saying, “Talk to me.” Ella shook her head. She had nothing to say. “Ella! You’re dirty! You need to get cleaned up!” She shook her head again as she fought to see through her tear streaked eyes. Urine had come in contact with her raw skin and was burning her. She couldn’t deal with the pain, fever and stress of the fighting at the same time. She could feel herself short circuiting. “Ella, if you don’t come out in the next three seconds i’m going to pull you out myself!” Heather warned. “One. Two. Three.” Ella didn’t move a muscle, only continued to stare at her. “Fine!” Heather said. Ella felt an arm grab her, and so she did what she always did when she felt scared or cornered. She sank her teeth into the woman’s arm. “ELLA! NO!” Heather cried out in pain before quickly withdrawing her arm and eying the damage. “You do not do that!” “What? What’s wrong?” Danielle said coming into the room. “What happened?” “She bit me!” Heather said. Ella could hear the mix of surprise and pain in her voice. “Seriously? Where is she?” “Under the desk.” Heather swore. “I’m going to go wash this.” When Heather left, Danielle followed her out before quickly coming back in and shut the door. She knelt down a safe distance away and saw Ella bundled up in the corner. Ella was prepared to bite her as well if she tried to pull her out, but Danielle didn’t. Instead she slid a few things toward her and quickly withdrew her arms, before giving her a wink and standing back up. Her peace offering appeared to be her pillow, a trash bag, wet wipes and a clean pull up. Ella quickly pulled the loot into her den. With a bit of twisting this way and that, she managed to change, threw the used pulled up and wet wipe in the bag. The cool, wet cloth helped ease the burning and she felt grateful to Danielle. Even more so when she saw what she was about to do. Danielle unfolded a sheet and threw it over desk, leaving Ella in semi darkness in her new desk fort. “What is this?” Ella heard Heather ask. She could hear her approaching and stiffened. “Don’t! Just let her be. She’s sick. She probably just wants to be left alone.” “So why doesn’t she just sleep in her bed? Why is she hiding under the desk?” “Because you came in and started yelling! That’s why. Remember when we got Ribbit and he wouldn’t come out of the closet for a week?” “Ribbit is an animal! Ella is-” “Sick and probably freaking the hell out..Just let her come out on her own when she’s ready.” “But she’s wet and-” Ella heard the crinkling bag shake. “Let her be.” Danielle said walking out of the room. Heather gave a defeated sigh and followed her out. Ella felt herself finally relax in the semi-darkness. It was cramped, warm, and absolutely perfect. She drew her knees into her chest and curled back into her blanket nest. She was about to drift off to sleep when a new visitor decided to peek its head under the sheet and investigate. Ella was delighted when the tortie shelled cat rubbed up against her outstretched hand and began to loudly purr. After deciding that the stranger was friend rather than foe, the cat entered the fort and plopped down in the nest of blankets. Ella smiled as she laid down next to her new friend and stroked its fur. You must be Ribbet, she thought before finally drifting off to sleep.
  2. Thanks! Haven't written in like a year so I'm a bit rusty. I kinda like writing medical drama/ mysteries if you couldn't tell lol
  3. Only took me a year to update this... Chapter 8 Sitting in nothing but a paper gown was bad. Listening to Heather and Danielle fight was worse. All illusions of what a mother daughter bond should look like quickly dissolved before Ella’s eyes .The tension in the air was so thick she could feel it wrap around her lungs and begin to squeeze. “Why can’t I see the doctor by myself?” Danielle demanded. She stood in the corner, arms crossed and still fully clothed. When the medical assistant had led them in and handed them each a gown, Ella had wasted no time stripping down. Danielle had merely scoffed at the idea. “Because I said so!” Heather hissed. The reasons seemed to change every time Danielle asked the question. At first, the answer had been because she was too young, then it had switched to the doctor being male. “He’ll be here any minute. Get changed!” An exacerbated Heather growled. “I’m not changing in front of you guys!” Danielle protested. “Nobody cares what you look like in your underwear! Why are you pretending to be shy? I caught you streaking down the hall last week!” “Mom!” Danielle whined, drawing out every syllable. “I don’t want to change in front of her! I’m on my...you know.” “So what! You’ve seen her in a diaper! I doubt she cares if you're in a pad!” “But it leaked…” Danielle mumbled. Heather groaned and swore under her breath. “Just get changed!’” Ella looked from Heather to Danielle as they glared at each other, each silently fighting a battle of wills. Danielle was the one to finally cave. She grabbed the gown off the table and spun around while mumbling under her breath. Ella was at first relieved in a way when she had seen the bulge in Danielle’s underwear. At least she wasn’t the only one who needed some kind of diaper. Perhaps her situation wasn’t that weird. Speaking of weird though, she eyed Danielle’s underwear for a second before she inwardly gasped and looked away. She could feel the color draining from her face. What she had thought was a tie dye design was none other than splotches of blood. Ella groped blindly in the air until she felt Heather’s arm. She anchored herself to the woman, ignoring Heather’s worried concerns and waited until the room righted itself again. Her stomach began involuntarily doing somersaults. She stared at her bare feet as she felt a hand press against her forehead. “Poor thing,” Heather said. “You’re running a fever.” Why was she worried about her? Couldn’t she see her daughter was bleeding? Her mind flashed back to the time she had pneumonia. She had been coughing up blood then and it had caused a panic. Was it like that? Was she hurt? What kind of disease did she have? Was she terminal like Ella had been once labeled? She looked up at Heather with a face full of concern and panic. “I know, being sick is no fun, huh?” Heather said. Ella shook her head and pointed at Danielle. “What’s wrong?” Ella silently mouthed. “I ask myself that everyday.” Heather grumbled. “ Don’t worry about her, she’s just being ornery because she knows she’s getting a shot.” Ella shook her head and pointed more frantically. Heather hadn’t seen! She didn’t know Danielle was sick! “What’s wrong? I don’t understand.” “Did little Timmy fall down the well?” Danielle threw in sarcastically. “Danielle!” Heather hissed before turning back to Ella who was now pulling the notepad out of her shorts pocket that were on the floor. She’s bleeding! Heather looked at the note perplexed until realization dawned on her. “Don’t worry about that.” Is she sick? Heather smiled a little and shook her head. “No, she’s not sick.” Ella looked at her puzzled. “What? What’s wrong?” Danielle asked. She got up and looked at the notepad before burying her face in her hands. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to get changed! This ones on you! I’m not telling her!” Tell me what? Ella thought. “There’s nothing wrong with Danielle. I promise. How about we worry about you. You’re covered in chicken pox!” Heather said as she attempted to change the subject. Ella wasn’t taking the bait. Why is she bleeding? “I’ve had her for one day. One day and I already have to have this conversation.” Heather moaned. “If you just would have listened to me and-” Danielle started but was cut off with a glare. “What’s happening to Danielle is perfectly normal. She’s not hurt or sick, she’s just growing up is all.” Heather explained. Ella cocked her head to the side confused. “I’m fine, I’m just on my period.” Danielle said. What’s a per Ella had begun to write, but jumped when the door had suddenly swung open. “Miss Danielle!” An elderly man said walking in and giving her a handshake. “Hop up on the table and have a seat!” Ella noticed the color of Danielle’s face drain as she did what she was told. “Wish she’d listen to me like that.” Heather said. Danielle rolled her eyes. “Uh-oh! Has someone been giving their mom trouble?” Dr. Lawson asked. “When is she not?” Heather said. “Stop it.” Danielle grumbled. He smiled as he glanced through a small white folder. “Looks like someone’s headed into their teenage years So let's see here. You are here for a physical, yes?” Danielle nodded as she hugged the paper gown to her chest. Convinced that Danielle was ok afterall, Ella picked up the notebook she had dropped and began using the spiral edges to get at the hard to reach itch on her back. “Don’t scratch.” Heather whispered to her before taking the notebook away. Ella frowned as she tried not to focus on the crawling sensation in her skin. She examined her arms. How had she not noticed all the red bumps that now coated every inch of her skin? An audible moan coming from the table made Ella lookup. The doctor was filling out a form and Danielle looked none too pleased about it. “Blood work.” Heather whispered as he tore off the form and handed it to her. “We’ll go get this done as soon as we get out of here.” “No.” Danielle whimpered. “Please no.” “The sooner you get it out of the way the sooner you’ll feel better,” Dr. Lawson said, He put down the thin chart and picked up a much larger collection of paperwork. “Now who is this little lady?” He wheeled around on his stool and slid in front of Ella. She blushed and slid down further into her seat. “This,” Heather said placing her hands on the cowering girl's shoulders, “is our foster daughter Isabella, our newest edition to the family. We just picked her up yesterday.” “Congratulations, how long will she be staying with you?” “Well, depending on if things go in the next couple of weeks, hopefully permanently.” Ella frowned at this. What did Heather mean by If things went well? Was she or wasn’t she part of the family? “Ah, I see.” He said. “Well it’s very nice to meet you, Isabella.” Ella reluctantly took his extended hand and shook it. “Well according to all this paperwork you’ve had quite the childhood so far, poor thing.” Ella merely shrugged. “The good news is, according to your latest labs, your blood count looks normal. Very good. Very good. What’s not so good,” He said, before stretching out her arm. “Is this.” “Twenty four hours with us and she’s already picked up some disease.” Heather said, sounding depressed. “Not to worry, she probably picked it up at the hospital. Just bad timing really. Unfortunately, nothing I can really do for her. It’s one of those things where it’s just going to have to run its course. I can prescribe an ointment for the itching though.” He explained while examining her arms. “There was something else I wanted your advice on.” Heather said. “ A few things really.” “Go on.” “I haven’t been successful in getting her to use, or even go in, a restroom. Not even the one at home. I really don’t know what to do.” Heather said. “Yes, I read about that in her chart. Some kind of toilet proximity anxiety disorder.” “She drew this this morning when I asked her about what she was so afraid of.” Heather said, pulling the picture out of her purse. “What do you think it means?” He studied the picture a long while before responding. “I think I agree with her original psychiatric assessment. Isabella most likely endured some kind of emotional or physical trauma that’s being repressed and is manifesting in the form of an irrational fear of restrooms. My suggestion would be finding a good psychiatrist and family therapist.” Heather bit her lip. “You don’t think she was abused in that way, do you?” “Unfortunately, it is possible. I could give her a thorough examination if you’d like. Check for any signs of sexual abuse. I imagine they would have done that in the hospital, but I’m not seeing any notes or findings in the information they faxed over.” “If you wouldn’t mind. I’d feel much better knowing just what we’re dealing with, but God, I really pray she wasn’t.” Ella watched a bit apprehensive as Dr. Lawson opened the door and yelled, “female exam!” down the hall. She liked the situation even less when he donned latex gloves. It was never a good sign when someone put on latex gloves. “Danielle, you would mind trading places with Isabella please. Thank you.” Ella stood, feeling awkward as she watched Dr. Lawson lower the table. “Go ahead and lie down on your back. Paige will be coming in just a moment, ah, here she is.” The nurse practitioner from earlier stuck her head in. “Please come in, I need to examine Miss Marsh here.” Once she heard the door close he continued. “Isabella, would you be okay if I took a quick look? I promise I will be very gentle and very fast.” She looked at him uneasily. In her experience, whenever someone said they’d be gentle, they were usually far from it. She looked at Heather, looking for some kind of sign as to what she should do. “It’s okay, Ella, go on. He just wants to make sure you’re not hurt anywhere.” Ella grimaced, but nodded her consent before lying on her back. “Now i’m just going to push your gown up a bit, there we go.” She heard a sudden ripping noise as her soggy pull-up was taken off and thrown in the trash. She grimaced as the cold air chilled her bottom half. “Is she having trouble controlling her bladder and bowels, mom?” He asked as he took some wipes from a drawer and began cleaning her. “I’m not sure to be honest. The hospital sent her home in diapers and she’s been using them so far, well reluctantly.” Heather answered. “I think it’s because she’s afraid.” “I wouldn’t suggest it.” The doctor said, throwing the wipes away. “I think it will do her more harm than good. She might regress, or become dependent on them. Our end goal is to get her used to the idea of the restroom. We want to show her, no matter what may have happened in her past, she is safe. What we don’t want is to encourage her to go whenever, and wherever she is.” “So then what do I do if she won’t use the restroom? We can’t have her having accidents all over the house.” “Well, there’s a good chance there will be accidents. Bed wetting is quite common in children following a big life change. So if you wanted to keep her in pull ups overnight, that would be understandable, but for the day, it would be better to use some kind of container. A bucket even would be better than a diaper. As long as she is associating a specific item and place she can...eliminate. I think the key here is safety. Maybe once she feels safe and in a routine, you can begin moving closer and closer until eventually you have her inside the bathroom. Then ultimately she won’t need it. It’s like someone who avoids public restrooms because of germs; it all comes down to their personal safety. Even I have avoided quite a few unsanitary gas station restrooms in my time. Eliminating waste, across all species, drastically requires letting your guard down and for some unknown reason, Isabella here does not associate restrooms as a safe place where she can let her guard down.” “That’s an understatement.” Heather said. “She bit me when I tried to take her this afternoon.” Danielle let out a snicker. “Just give her time to adjust to her new surroundings.” Dr. Lawson said before turning his attention back to Ella. “Now, Isabella, I’m going to press around your stomach. You let me know if anything hurts.” She closed her eyes as he pressed around her upper belly and sides. “Good, you’re doing good so far, oh- Does this hurt?” Ella nodded, wincing as he pressed again below her belly button. “What? What is it?” Heather asked as he continued, more gently to feel around. “Do you know when your last bowel movement was?” Ella blushed and stared at the ceiling. “Umm, yesterday, on the way home.” Heather said, looking to Danielle for confirmation. “Did she soil herself?” “No, uh, we were stuck in traffic. Danielle took her to some bushes on the side of the road.” “So you do know when you need to go one and two?” Ella nodded. “So how did you handle taking care of business in the hospital? Were you in diapers?” She shook her head. “Did you use the toilet? No? How about a bedpan?” She turned her hand side to side. “Sometimes?” She nodded, before making a circle with her arms and holding on to imaginary handles. He looked puzzled for a moment before realization dawned on him. “Good good, it’s what I thought. And you had no trouble with this, correct? No fear?” Ella shook her head again. “So do you think you could use that at home if you had the option over diapers?” This time Ella nodded her head eagerly. “What if it was in the bathroom? Is it the toilet you're scared of?” She shook her head. “So you wouldn’t use it if it was in the bathroom?” She shook her head again. “Isabella, when was the last time you spoke? More than one word. When was the last time you had a verbal conversation?” She thought about it before lifting up a finger on one and two in the other. “One to two years ago?” She nodded. “Why is that?” She shrugged. “If I gave you something to write with would you explain? Are you just feeling shy?” Ella motioned in the air like she was writing and Heather gave her back her notepad and pencil. Words won’t come out. Even when I want them to. “So you do want to communicate? It’s not that you won’t talk, it's that you can’t?” Ella nodded. “But I’ve heard her talk.” Danielle said. “I’ve heard her say ‘no” and, ‘hey’” “Well, let’s focus on one thing at a time here. Isabella, I’m going to take a quick peek at your privates. I promise I’m not going to hurt you, I’m just going to make sure you aren't hurt anywhere, ok?” Ella nodded. She counted the ceiling tiles as she felt herself being spread open, and then it was over. “I didn’t see any sign of external injuries or scaring, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t abused, unfortunately.” He said to Heather. “90% of sexually abused kids won’t show any external signs.” “That’s very high.” Heather said. “Alright, I just need to check one more place. Can you turn on your side and get into the fetal position? Yeah, just like that. I’m going to do the same thing with your back side, just a quick peek and… done. Good job, Isabella. The hard parts are over.” She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw him pulling off the gloves. “Now then, let’s talk about the first issue. Your belly. When you last went number two, was it normal?” “N-oo-oo!” Danielle answered for her. “Explosive. It was nasty! Nothing’s going to grow there now!” “Shush.” Heather said. “No, this is good to know. When was the last time before that?” Ella shrugged. She didn’t keep track. “You don’t remember? Ok, so I felt quite a bit of stool in your colon and I think that’s what’s giving you belly pain and giving you the runs. Do you need to go number two?” Ella shook her head. Please don’t make me go back in there, she thought. “If we brought in the commode you used in the hospital, do you think you could go if you tried? We have one.” She shrugged. “Would you be willing to try?” She grimaced a little. “Better you go here than at home where we don’t have one.” Heather pointed out. She had a point, Ella decided, before nodding her agreement. “According to her chart they did give her a laxative in the hospital a couple days ago, but it sounds like nothing happened. They made a note that they suspect she’s been purposefully holding it. Sounds like she might have enupresis. I’d like to prescribe some laxatives, but not if she’s just going to hold it in. She might start having fecal leakage if she doesn’t clear the blockage.” Heather wrinkled her nose. “I hope she goes while we’re here. I’ll have Charlie swing by the pharmacy and get a portable toilet, but that won’t be until later tonight.” “Well, if she doesn’t go on her own, I can have Paige administer a you-know-what.” He said before mouthing the word to her. “It’s pretty compressed.” Heather grimaced as Ella looked from Heather to Dr. Lawson. “Here you go, hun.” Paige said wheeling in the all too familiar commode. “Hop on up.” Ella was about to obey until she realized a problem. Four problems in fact. She shook her head taking a few steps back. She motioned her hand around the room. Sure she was willing to try, but was the audience really necessary? She could probably go in front one, but four people? Even she had boundaries. “How about you and Danielle go work on that blood work downstairs? Leave Isabella here with us, hopefully we’ll be all situated by the time you come back.” “I guess that would work. Are you okay with us leaving for a bit, Ella?” Ella nodded her head and gave the thumbs up, just to make sure she got the point across. “Well, alright. And if you feel she needs it, go ahead and give it to her. Better to get it over with I guess.” “We’ll give you some privacy.” The doctor said, leading Danielle and Heather out. Give me one what? Ella thought as the door shut leaving her alone with Paige, “This doesn’t scare you, right?” Ella shook her head, shifting from one foot to the other. Now that it was in front of her and most of the crowd had dispersed, she realized just how badly she had to pee. “You were pretty freaked out back there earlier, so how about you show me you can sit on it before I go work on paperwork for a few minutes. You look like you gotta go.” Ella shrugged as she opened the lid, revealing the few inches of water Paige had already put inside. She bunched up the paper gown toward her stomach and sat down on the plastic seat. Ella inwardly cringed as urine trickled down almost immediately. She had meant to just sit, only going once Paige had left, but it seemed muscle memory had won out in the end. “Good job, that was a lot easier than earlier. I didn’t even need to turn on the faucet. You must have really had to go.” Heather had been practically forcing water down her throat. “I’m going to step out for a bit and give you some privacy. The doctor wants you to try and go number two. I’ll be back in ten minutes to check on you.” They sure were making a big deal about this Ella thought. As long as they didn’t make her go in there though she was happy. And she tried. She really did. She didn’t want to be desperate to do that at Heather’s. She didn’t want to have that kind of accident, and she had promised. Something Heather had said flashed back in her mind. If all goes well. What had she meant by that? She would be a permanent member of the family if all goes well. What if she had that kind of accident after she had promised not to? Then that would mean things had not gone well. Would Heather drop her back off at the hospital for doing that? Ella redoubled her efforts, but still, she couldn’t go. She couldn’t do as Heather wanted. Then came the knock and Paige came back. “Hey there, any luck?” Ella shook her head and stared at the floor. “Hey, hey, what’s the matter?” Paige said, squatting down next to her. “Are you not feeling well?” Ella sniffled and wiped at her face. She had gotten herself so worked up she had started to cry. “Here.” Paige said, handing her the notebook and pen. “Tell me what’s wrong.” I don’t want to go back to the hospital! “You’re not going to go back for this. We’re going to give you some medicine to make your tummy feel better.” They were going to give her laxatives. Those wouldn’t work for several hours. She would be back at Heather’s by then and then… If All Goes Well… She’d have to go number two and… she couldn’t go in the restroom. ..If All Goes Well… She wouldn’t be able to hold it. She’d have that kind of accident. She’d break her promise. If All Goes Well... Ella burst into uncontrollable sobs. “I know the medicine’s not going to be very fun, but it’ll be worth it. I promise.” Paige said. She tried to rub Ella’s back, but the girl shook her head and continued to write. It’s going to make me have an accident after I promised I wouldn’t! Heather is going to take me back to the hospital and leave me! I don’t want to go back! “Ella, no! Why do you think that? She isn’t going to change her mind and take you back. Especially not over an accident.” She said I would be a part of her family only if things went well. I tried to use their bathroom! I’ve tried to use all the bathrooms! I can’t! I can’t do it! I can’t breathe! “I don’t know why you feel like that, but that’s why we’re here. We’re here to help you figure it out and move past it.” She placed a hand on Ella’s scalp and gently rubbed her head. “It’s gonna be okay. Moving in with a new family must be scary, huh?” Ella sniffled and nodded her head. “I can promise you one thing. The medicine I’m going to give you won’t make you have an accident at home. It’s gonna make you go here and now. It’s gonna make your stomach feel a lot better too. You wanna give it a try?” Ella nodded as Paige patted the table. “Hop up. Lay on your side and bring your knees to your chest like you did before. That’s it, just like that.” Ella silently groaned as she heard the sound of latex gloves being put on. Just what had she agreed too? She glanced behind her and saw what looked like a bag of water connected to a hose. Ugh, an IV Ella thought, before she felt Paige lift up the back of her gown and exposed backside. All Ella had time to think was, this doesn’t seem right, before the nozzle was inserted into her rectum. She let out an audible moan as she felt the liquid begin enter. I’d rather have the IV, she thought as she grabbed her stomach. The cramping had begun. Paige had been serious when she said it was going to make her go here and now. She wanted to go! She needed to go! Badly! She let out another moan. “Almost done, you’re doing good, just a little bit more.” Ella didn’t think she could take it anymore. Sweat poured out of her, making the paper gown stick to her skin. Her stomach violently cramped and churned. She’d probably be even to use the toilet if they set her on it. “Good job, it’s all done!’ She whimpered as she felt the nozzle being pulled free. “You can go sit on the bucket now and let it out.” Ella moaned. She couldn’t move! If she moved even a fraction of an inch it would come out. Every muscle was tensed and trained to hold the fluid at bay. “Think you can make it?” Paige asked. “Ella gave a tiny shake of her head. She wasn’t going to make it even two steps! She barely registered the sound of something being slid across the floor and before she could even process what had happened. she was lifted up and sat on the bucket just as her body said no more! ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door followed by Danielle, Heather, and Dr Lawson. Ella was passed out on the table, now fully dressed. The bucket was now nowhere in sight. “Did it work? Did she go?” Heather whispered. “Ohhh yeah.” Paige said eyes opened wide like one who had witnessed a terrible battle . “She must have been backed up for weeks. She’s gonna be a bit raw down there for a bit. Fell right to sleep after.” “Thank you.” Heather said. “There’s something I want to show you though.” Paige said, handing Heather the messages Ella had written. “Ella, no.” Heather said gently caressing the young girl's face. Ella opened her eyes and found Heather standing over her. “Ella, I’m not taking you back to the hospital.” she whispered, rubbing the girls back as she helped her sit up. “No matter how many accidents you might have. It’s okay. You’re part of this family now whether you like it or not. You’ve been a part of this family since the first time I met you six months ago. When I said “if all goes well” I meant with Child Services, not with you. Yes, there’s still a few hoops we have to jump through to make it official, but that’s nothing for you to worry about.” She leaned down and pressed her forehead against Ella’s before softly kissing the top of her head. “You're my daughter now and I love you.” Ella sniffled as the tears ran down her face. “C’mere.” Heather said as she wrapped her arms around Ella and picked her up. Ella threw her arms around Heather and rested her chin on the woman’s shoulder. “I don’t know what happened in your past, Ella Marsh, but we’re going to get through this together.” How long had it been since she had been held like this? She was the happiest she had ever felt. She was about to close her eye.s and drift back to sleep when something snapped her out of her moment of bliss. It was there and then gone in a flash. Maybe she had imagined it, but deep down she knew she hadn’t. Across the room was Danielle, and in her eyes, even if just for a brief moment was a look of hate
  4. “But why do I need to go to the doctor too?” Danielle grumbled as they rode in the car. “I’m not sick.” “I know you’re not, but you need a physical to play soccer, and since I need to bring Ella in I figured it would be easiest if I brought you along too.” Heather said. Danielle grumbled something else from the front passenger seat Ella couldn’t quite make out before moodily staring out the window. Ella inwardly groaned and scratched at her neck. She knew it had something to do with the picture she had drawn. She had only meant to show them she felt paralyzed while standing in the doorway. Drawing all the other stuff just felt right at the time, but now she was regretting it. They pulled into a parking lot across the street from a park. Ella had to crane her neck a bit to see out the window. Since the booster seat had come with the rental, it had been returned with the car. She didn’t want to admit it, but she kind of missed sitting higher up. Now she struggled to keep the seat belt away from her neck which was irritated and itchy. Once she had freed herself from the restraints, she gave the side and back of her neck a few good scratches before she took a look at where they were heading. This area looked a little shabbier than where they had come from. The parking spots all had faded lines. Ella could hardly tell where one spot ended and another began, but Heather had seemed to have figured it out. As they walked, Ella had to avoid stepping in crater sized pot holes and nearly tripped over a chunk of asphalt. She checked her pockets to make sure the miniature notepad Heather had given her to communicate with was still safely tucked away along with a pencil. Ella frowned when she saw the building they were walking towards. It was large, reddish brown, and designed to look like wooden planks. The color reminded her of dried blood. It felt ominous. “Mom, I’m not getting a shot, right?” Danielle asked. “That’s up to the doctor.” Heather said, before turning to face Ella. “She’s afraid of needles.” Danielle shuddered. “Last time it took three people to give her one little shot.” Danielle scoffed. “There was nothing little about it.” “One itty, bitty, teenie, weenie shot.” “That was a huge fricken needle!” Danielle protested. “She cried the entire time.” “Mom! Seriously! It was huge and painful. That lady just jabbed it into my arm!” “She wouldn’t have had to jab it into your arm if you hadn’t been struggling to run away.” “I was like seven or eight.” “She was ten.” Heather whispered to Ella who grinned. While not a fan of them herself, Ella had grown accustomed to them over the years. Shots were nothing to blood draws, and blood draws were nothing to ivs. Nowadays, she hardly even flinched. She would be glad to swap fears with Danielle. Ella was surprised to find that the inside of the building was quite a bit nicer than the outside. From the street, Heather opened a door that led into a courtyard. Lots of plants and flowers grew on either side of a man made waterfall and into a pond that trickled underneath a red bridge. A few ducks swam by underneath them while they were crossing over. Ella would have found the area relaxing if it wasn’t making her have to pee. Heather had told her that morning she wouldn’t force the issue when they were in public, but in exchange, she’d have to make an effort at home. Rose would have been proud of her for trying on her own, but Heather wanted more from her than peeing herself in front of the doorway apparently. Ella had felt discouraged. She thought she was trying her best, but after needing another change before they left that afternoon, Heather seemed frustrated. While it was tempting to just go in the pull up, she didn’t want to put her in a bad mood, even if Heather had said she could. The idea of being introduced to a new doctor in a wet diaper didn’t thrill her either. Once inside, Heather ushered her and Danielle to a couple of seats before making her way over to the receptionist desk. “Hi, can I help you?” a voice asked that Ella couldn’t see. “I’m here to check in my daughters. Danielle Graceland and Ella Marsh.” Ella’s heart thumped. Heather had called her her daughter! She couldn’t help but smile a little. “What are you so happy about?” Danielle asked. Ella shrugged and tried to catch more of the adults conversation. Heather appeared to be writing a check and talking in a low whisper to the lady behind the counter. She strained to listen, but frowned when she made out the words, “difficult to handle” and “in over my head.” “So, are you like, afraid of getting sucked down the drain or something?” Danielle asked. Ella gave her a puzzled look. How old did she think she was? Five? She shook her head. “Then what’s the deal with that picture?” Ella shrugged again. “So are you really scared of the bathroom?” Ella nodded. “Why? That’s weird.” Ella sighed and pulled out the notepad. “Wish I knew.” She wrote back. Danielle bunched her eyebrows up in confusion. “You don’t know why you’re scared? Didn’t you draw some kind of she demon in our bathroom?” Ella shrugged again before writing her response. “ It just does.” “What if you closed your eyes?” “Makes it worse.” “Why?” Ella ignored her. She didn’t want to talk about it. Instead of answering anymore of Danielle’s questions, she busied herself as she tried to scratch her backside by rocking back and forth in the chair. What she really wanted to do was stick her hand down the pull up and scratch, but she’d have to make due with this. “Ella, are you okay?” Heather called out from the front desk. Ella gave her a thumbs up and tried to sit still. “I don’t know what to do. Even if I took her back...” Heather said turning back to her conversation. Ella pretended to be interested in the magazines on the table next to her. “Hold off on that, the doctor will want samples from both of them anyway.” the receptionist said. “I can’t promise you I can get either of them to cooperate. Danielle’s about as scared of needles as Ella is of a toilet.” Ella wanted to protest. She was not afraid of toilets! “Let me talk to the nurse practitioner, she might have an idea.” The receptionist got up and left so Heather came back and joined them in the seats. They sat in silence for a few minutes before a door to the back opened. A woman in medical scrubs in her mid thirties appeared and propped the door open with a stopper. In her hand was a small, white, specimen cup. “Oh, Danielle, I have something for you.” Danielle got up and took the cup from her. “I assume you know what we want from you.” “Yeah.” Danielle mumbled. “First door on your left. Put it on the counter when you’re done. We’ll let you know if you’re pregnant or not.” Danielle snorted and disappeared down the hall. “You are so grounded if you are!” Heather yelled after her. “Hi, you must be Ella!” the nurse said. Ella nodded but sunk down into the chair. “Don’t worry, honey, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I don’t bite.” Ella gave her a weak smile. “My name is, Paige, i’m the nurse practitioner here for Dr. Lawson. It’s nice to meet you, Ella.” Ella nodded her head again, unsure what they wanted her to do. She looked nervously between the two women who seemed to be whispering to each other. “How would you like to play a game while we wait for Danielle?” Ella shrugged before Paige brought out a large strip of gauze from her pocket. “Would you mind moving those chairs back? Yeah against the others is fine. Perfect.” she said once Heather had opened up a large space in the waiting room. “The object of the game is to not get caught by the one who’s blindfolded. One person will keep the blindfolded person from walking into anything, and the other will try to escape. Does that sound fun?” Ella nodded. She had never heard of doing anything like this in a doctors office. “How about we have Heather be ‘IT’ first. I’ll guide her by the arm, and you try to escape. I’ll set my timer for three minutes, and if you can avoid getting tagged, you win.” Ella watched curiously as Paige blindfolded Heather with the gauze. “Ready or not here I come!” Heather said, stretching her arms out like a zombie as Paige led her towards Ella. “You better move or she’ll get you and you’ll be it!” Paige said. Ella quickly scooted back away from the two as Heather blindly groped the air. “I’m close, I know I am!” Heather said as she reached in the completely opposite direction. Ella smiled and side stepped away again before bounding to the other side of the room. “Uh, what are you doing?” Danielle asked standing in the doorway of the waiting room. “We’re playing tag.” Heather said walking to the sound of her voice. “And you’re IT now.” she reached out and tapped Danielle’s arm before peeling off the blindfold. Ella silently laughed as Paige tied the blindfold onto a very confused looking Danielle. “Seriously?” Danielle asked giggling. “For real?” “Come get us. You’ve got three minutes.” Heather said as Paige took Danielle’s arm. Ella smirked and danced around the room weaving in and out of Danielle’s reach. She didn’t think she had ever had so much fun in a doctors office before. Soon she and Heather had managed to trap themselves in a corner with Danielle inching her way closer to them. “Age before beauty.” Heather said before lightly pushing Ella into Danielle. “Hey!” Ella said as she gently collided with her sister. She was surprised the words had come out. “I told you she could talk!” Danielle said. She ripped the blindfold off her face. Ella looked sheepishly at Heather, but Heather merely smiled. “She’ll talk when she’s ready to.” Heather said. “All right, Ella, you’re turn to be blindfolded.” Paige said. Ella grinned wide as Paige tied the cloth over her eyes. She attempted to make a beeline to where Danielle and Heather had been standing, but Paige had begun to spin her around and around until she didn’t know what direction was which. She giggled as she staggered forward, now out of breath, with Paige leading her by the arm. She reached out waving her arms left and right. Ella stopped laughing as Paige continued to guide her straight. She didn’t think the waiting room was this long. “Oh no, they moved left!” Page said. Ella eagerly turned left, grasping at the empty air as Paige led her on. Suddenly they stopped. Ella was about to reach for the blindfold, but Paige began to spin her again. She giggled as she gasped for air, her side hurt from laughing so much. She wobbled a little once she stopped spinning, now tired and disoriented. And then it happened so suddenly Ella’s brain didn’t have time to process it. She felt her pants and pull up unceremoniously yanked down to her knees before Paige had lowered her onto something cold, and hard. Alarm bells began to ring inside Ella’s head. She had been blindfolded and led into the bathroom! The familiar feeling of panic began to rise in her chest. She tried to bolt, but Paige was holding her down by the shoulders. She was crying now and fighting against her, but she was no match for Paige’s grip. “Shh, shh, Ella, it’s okay. We just need a urine sample and then I’ll let you up. It’s okay. I’ve got you, nothing’s going to hurt you. ” Ella was bawling now, fighting with all her might. She couldn’t breathe! Something was reaching for her in the dark! She ripped the blindfold off and met Paige’s eyes. How could she do this to her? “Aren’t you tired from all that running around?” Paige whispered. Ella was tired although she continued to fight, but with every second that passed she felt weaker and weaker. Despite the adrenaline, she knew she couldn’t win. Ella slumped against Paige’s hands and cried. “Let me up!” Ella pleaded. “I’m sorry, Ella, but I can’t let you up yet, but good job on using your words. Heather says you don’t talk much.” “You’ve gotten farther than I have.” Heather said coming from the hallway. “Any luck?” “No, she’s too uptight. Something in here definitely has her freaked out. Would you mind turning on the faucet? Maybe that will help. I think she’ll bolt if I let go.” Ella whimpered at the sound of the rushing water and shut her eyes tight. “The hardest parts already over, honey. You’re already in here, and the more you struggle the longer you’ll be stuck here. This is the easy part, all you have to do is pee. You’ve done it thousands of times. You just need to calm down a little and relax. Try and match my breathing, okay? Take a deep breath in through your mouth...and exhale. That’s it. A few more times. Take a deep breath. Good job. Now picture you’re on an island. You’ve just woken up from a nap. You’re so groggy and the warm sand is so comfy. You sit up and listen to the waves…” Ella tried to picture herself on the beach as Paige whispered in her ear. She was shaking less and less. Her breathing was evening out. She pictured the waves crashing on the shore as Page continued to whisper. “You’re so comfy, but then you realise as you sit and listen to the waves you have to pee. You have to pee more and more with every passing second and with every wave that hits the shore.” Ella found herself unconsciously jiggling her legs as she listened. “You begin to feel desperate, but you don’t want to get up. You look left and then right. You’re all alone. And then you realize... you don’t have to get up. You’re in a bathing suit, and no one’s around. You can just rinse off in the water later when you’re not so tired. Your eyes are so heavy and your bladders so full. The temptation builds with every crashing wave until it all becomes too much to bare. You spread your legs out in the sand and give in…” Ella looked down at the sudden realization of what was happening. Her legs, that were cinched tight in a ball a moment ago, had relaxed and opened in time with the story. Imaginary Ella, who sat on the beach peeing into the sand, had become real life Ella, sitting on a toilet peeing into a plastic tray tucked underneath the seat. She sighed in relief as the weight inside her drained away. She hadn’t realized she had had to go so bad. Once she had finished, she tapped Paige on the arm. She wanted to get the hell out of here. Paige was skeptical at first, but once she saw the full tray between Ella’s legs, she let her go. Ella tried to make a break for it, but tripped over her pants still around her knees. Heather had caught her mid fall before she hit the floor. She jumped back up and streaked out the bathroom and into the hallway uncaring who saw her. “You did good, kid.” Paige said dumping the trays contents into a specimen jar. “Now I’m just going to test this an-” She stopped mid sentence as Ella began to take the opportunity to scratch at the part of her butt that had been driving her crazy. Ella suddenly felt a hand pull up the bottom of her shirt. “Uh-oh, mom.” “What?” said Heather taking a look. “Oh no, are you serious?” “Afraid so. She’s covered in them.” Once Ella had managed to hoist her pants back up, she took a look at her skin in the better lighting. Little, red, raised bumps covered her arms. “Poor things got the chickenpox.” “But don’t they vaccinate for that now?” “Not if she was undergoing chemo. We need to go over her records. She might need the MMR as well.” Ella shrugged. “Well speaking of chickens.” Heather said looking at the door of the room Danielle was waiting in. “You’re not the only one facing your fears today.” Paige said giving Ella’s shoulder a gentle pat. “Someone needs some blood work and a tetanus shot.”
  5. While Ella had quickly fallen asleep the night before, she had not stayed asleep for long. Recurring nightmares still plagued her dreams, leaving her with a looming sense of dread. She could never quite recall the images her mind whipped up in the night, but they were enough to make her uneasy. It always started the same. Her mother’s voice calling her from the bathroom, and the never ending walk down the hallway that seemed to stretch on forever. Usually after that, nothing. This time was different though. Ella hugged her knees to her chest as she recalled the voice still ringing in the back of her mind. “Let mommy make it all better.” It was soft, gentle, and a little unnerving. Ella had awoken to a chill creep down her back she was sure had nothing to do with the weather. Now she sat up, with her back against the headboard, watching the sun begin to slowly trickle in as she listened to the caws of the crows perched in the trees. She found their calls calming. It was a reminder of her freedom. She had forgotten what it was like to listen to the early morning birds, or perhaps she had never taken the time to appreciate it before now. Her usual morning greeting had consisted of only the incessant beeping of the clothespin like device that had fallen off her finger at some point in the night. Ella looked down at her arms in realization. There was nothing tethering her to this bed. No cords, no iv’s, no blood pressure cuffs. She could get out of this bed if she wanted to and explore. She took in her surroundings. While Ella had the bed underneath the window, Danielle’s was pushed up against the opposite wall, with its owner still fast asleep. A small bookcase and two nightstands separated their beds. A cell phone sat charging a top piles of papers and empty cups on Danielle’s nightstand while Ella’s was bare. She pulled open each of the drawers to find them all empty. A few shopping bags full of clothes and a torn package of diapers leaned against her bed, along with a trash can. A thought occurred to her. She reached up to the waistline of the diaper and pulled it down, before pulling it back up. Her bladder had been nagging at her, ruining her good mood despite waking up from another nightmare. She had two options. She could get up and try and use the bathroom on her own, or wait for Heather to tell her what to do. Ella was so used to having to wait for one of the nurses to tell her where she would pee depending on what medications they had given her. All Ella had to do was tell them she had to go. Sometimes they’d bring a bed pan, while other times they’d disconnect her from the monitors and help her onto the chair. Sometimes she’d even use the bathroom, but that was rare and usually involved a fight. “You know most kids only put up this much of a fight when they’re about to get a shot.” Rose had once said while she nursed a scratch to the face. “You’d think we were asking you to march to your death rather than sit on the toilet for a few minutes.” It wasn’t the toilet. It had never been about the toilet. Ella knew if she wanted a fresh start she’d have to get over it; whatever “it” was. Maybe it would be easier without the added pressure of another person. With her mind made up she slowly and quietly got out of bed and tiptoed across the room. Wearing just a t shirt and diaper she snuck down the hall, pausing only once she reached her destination. Her heart fluttered as she looked into the dark room lit only by a nightlight. She could see the outline of the toilet ahead. She could do this! All she had to do was run in, pee, and run back out. No one was up yet, she wouldn’t even have to close herself in. The fear began to set in like vines coming up from the floor and wrapping around her legs. No matter how much she struggled to move forward an invisible barrier kept her in place. She wanted to cry. There was nothing there! All she had to do was move forward a few steps, and yet, she couldn’t. She wanted to do it, and yet, part of her would rather swim through an ocean full of sharks. “Ella, what are you doing?” Heather asked. Ella jumped feeling startled by the sudden appearance and began to leak. She crossed her legs, attempting to gain control. Her heart beat frantically and a feeling of guilt began to overwhelm her. Had she not been allowed out of bed? “Were you trying to use the bathroom?” Heather asked sounding hopeful. Ella nodded despite not being able to get past the doorway. Heather flipped on the bathroom light and held out her hand, but Ella shook her head. She had lost control the moment Heather had scared her, the evidence of which had begun to run down her legs. Heather let out a defeated sigh and wrinkled her nose. “C’mon, let’s get you cleaned up before anyone else wakes up.” She grabbed Ella’s hand and begun to pull her toward the bathroom, but Ella stood rooted to the spot, eyes wide as if seeing some kind of invisible monster. “If you’re scared, you could wake up Danielle or I to come with you. You don’t have to wait until it’s too late.” Ella shook her head, and began to back away. “Maybe things will get easier once you get adjusted to your new surroundings. You’re in a new house, with a new family. I don’t blame you for being scared.” Heather bent underneath the sink and retrieved two wash cloths. She ran one of them under the faucet and dropped the other on the floor by Ella to mop up the small puddle. Next Heather grabbed a trash bag and handed it to Ella. “Go ahead and pull that off and put it in the bag.” Seeing that the hallway was empty, Ella awkwardly pulled down the soiled diaper and dropped it into the bag leaving her in nothing but a t-shirt. Heather then traded the bag for the wash cloth with instructions for Ella to wipe herself down and meet her back in her room while Heather threw the bag away outside. Ella quickly cleaned herself before hurrying back into bed and hid under the blanket. Ella had a feeling Heather was annoyed with her. She curled into a ball and waited, time seeming to tick by more slowly. Just when she thought Heather wasn’t coming back, a light flicked on overhead. She could hear Danielle groan and roll over. “Go back to sleep, I just need to help Ella with something.” Danielle grunted her approval and retreated back under the covers to block out the unwelcome light. “What to do.” Heather mumbled to herself before grabbing another pull-up. “Go ahead and pull this on. Maybe they’ll fare a little better during the day rather than overnight.” Ella held it up, trying to tell the difference between the front and back. She gave up after a few attempts before lifting up her butt and sliding them on. “Try not to wait so long next time. If you’re scared just come get me. Or Danielle.” She added. “Hey.” Danielle mumbled. “What are you volunteering me for?” “Ella needs help in the bathroom at the night.” Heather said. “She has diapers.” Danielle groaned back. “For emergencies. We want her to use the bathroom like a big girl so she can get back into school.” Heather said looking down at the other lump. Ella cringed. Why were they talking to her like she was a little kid? “I need you to be a good big sister and show her there’s nothing to be afraid of.” Heather said, before clearing her throat. “I was hoping you’d take her with you and-” Before Heather could finish Danielle threw off the blanket and sat up. “No.” she said flatly. “If you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting…” “I was hoping she’d... follow your example.” Heather said. “Please.” “Mom, that only works for toddlers! She’s ten! Not really what I had in mind when you said you wanted me to bond with her! I thought you meant I’d be doing her nails or something.” “And you can. “ Heather said with a grin. “In the bathroom.” “Then why don’t you, ‘show her there’s nothing to be afraid of’.” Danielle said with air quotes. “You’re her mother now.” Heather stammered. “Because I’m an adult...and it’s different...it would be...inappropriate. Besides I think it would work best if it was someone around her own age. ” “The answer’s still no, and it’s not like she’d even be willing to follow me in, right, Ella?” Ella nodded and pointed at Danielle to show Danielle was right. “See, she said she would! That settles it!” Heather said, but both Danielle and Ella were on their feet protesting in their own way. “I’m kidding. Calm down.” “What makes you think that would even work?” “The nurse taking care of Ella said she tried just about everything in the hospital. Even bribery.” “What did she do? Hide in the bathroom and wave a candy bar out the door?” Pretty much, Ella thought. She looked around until she found her sketch pad and art supplies at the foot of the bed. She couldn’t explain with words what it was she was afraid of, but maybe she could draw it. She furiously scribbled as the two of them argued back and forth. Once she finished a rough sketch, she took a black crayon and filled in some of the blanks. As Ella finished, she held it up. Danielle and Heather looked it over, both of their faces creasing in concern. “See this is why I want you to show her there’s nothing to be afraid of!” Heather insisted. There on the canvas was a sketch of a bathroom, but in the center stood a tall black silhouette with many arms reaching out of the drains towards the girl who was held in place by an additional pair of hands coming up out of the ground. Ella wasn’t sure why she had drawn what she had, the idea just popped into her head and she needed to get it out. She had only meant to draw the hands holding her in place, but the rest just seemed to flow out. “What is that supposed to be?” Danielle asked. “Slenderman?” “I don’t think so.” Heather mumbled quietly. “Look at the hair. It’s a woman.”
  6. Thank you! That really means a lot to me. I try to write more than just fap material, (although I do have a few of those on here lol )
  7. Ella woke with a start and gasped for air. A distant voice echoed in the back of her mind. “Let mommy make it all better.” She struggled to remember what she had been dreaming about, but it quickly drifted away like sand running through her fingers. In seconds it was gone completely. She felt an unsettling chill run through her. Mommy, why did you leave me? Ella quickly forced her mind to other things, but it kept going right back where she didn’t want it. Back to the day of the fight between her soccer coach and her mom. …………………………………………………………………………………………………….. She had been seven years old, long black hair tied into a ponytail that swayed in the wind. She ran up and down the field, dribbling the ball between her feet and around the orange plastic cones before stopping when she came to the end. She felt utterly exhausted. Ella used to be able to run these drills with ease, but now she struggled to find the energy to even stand after running only a few laps. Her face gleamed with sweat. She pulled up her shirt a little and wiped it away. She hurried over towards the cooler, her mom and coach in serious conversation nearby. They were off to the side, talking in hushed whispers. She filled a little paper cup and took sips, pretending not to notice. “Look I’m not accusing you of anything,” Her coach was saying. “but some of the other parents and I have started to grow concerned. She’s just not the same player she was last year.” “She’s just been feeling a little under the weather lately.” Diane said. “Look, I need to ask, has everything been ok with her home life?” “Yes, everything’s fine. I don’t know what you mean.” Diane said sounding confused. “She sleeps more. Usually passes out after school and practise.” “Well, is there any reason she might be depressed? Sleeping a lot could be a sign of depression, or using it as a way to escape a bad situation at home maybe.” “She’s seven!” Diane said, raising her voice. “Maybe she’s just coming down with something. She’s not trying to escape from anything!” “Mrs. Marsh, please, it’s just, the others and I have been noticing some bruising on her and-” “SHE’S SEVEN!” Her mom yelled back. “Of course she has bruises! She plays sports, climbs trees, goes hiking! Are you trying to imply I am abusing my daughter?” Ella had never seen her mom this mad. She looked down at the massive purple and green bruise that wrapped around her knee cap and half way down her leg. She had fallen last week riding her bike. Another brown and green one roughly the size and shape of a dollar splotched across her forearm. She wasn’t sure how she had gotten that one, but she was positive her mom had nothing to do with it. “I fell off my bike.” Ella said speaking up. They both looked at her. “I am a good mother!” Mrs. Marsh hissed through gritted teeth at the coach before grabbing Ella’s hand and leading her towards the car. “Mom, we’re not done with practise!” Ella said. “You are now, I’m taking you off the team!” At first Ella had thrown a fit. She liked playing soccer, and going to away games. She basked in the praise every time she scored a goal, and loved going out to eat with the team after every win. She was so mad, she hadn’t spoken to her mom for the rest of the day, even though she hadn’t really been enjoying it this season. She wouldn’t admit she was kind of relieved she’d no longer have to struggle as she fell behind her other team mates. Last season she had been one of the best players, but this season, she spent more time on the bench during games than not. Who would have known not playing soccer was the least of her problems. The real trouble came just a week later. Her mom had scheduled her a doctor’s appointment after school. Bribed with the promise of ice cream, Ella held still and tried not to cry when her blood was drawn. An hour later, with a large smile plastered on her face, she held her half chocolate half vanilla cone in hand, relieved now that the worst was over. She’d never have guessed that the very next day she would be told she had cancer. Ella hadn’t really understood what that meant, but her mom had immediately broken down in sobs. At first she thought she had done something wrong, but the next thing she knew, she was being held in a vice like grip. Her mom rocked her back and forth, “Not my baby, please no, not my baby.” She remembered her whole team coming to her first chemo appointment, coach and all. They had all signed a giant get well soon banner that took up half the wall. Her coach had spent most the time begging her mom for forgiveness and told Ella her spot on the team would be waiting for her once she felt better. Ella had originally thought the worst part was the IV. She hadn’t had a clue what this was going to do to her. All she had understood was that she would be coming to the hospital everyday for a needle. It wasn’t until an hour in to her treatment did the nausea hit her and without warning, she projectile vomited on Ernie Miller. Once her mom wiped her down with a washcloth, she distinctly remembered her whispering, “I didn’t like him anyway.” She had gotten many letters that week from classmates wishing her well and congratulating her on her aim. Apparently her mom was not the only one who didn’t like him. The nausea had quickly replaced her fear of needles. Unable to keep anything down, the pounds had begun to fall off her frame, leaving behind a ghost of who she had been. On the days her mom would have to leave for work, Rose would come up periodically and keep her company. She had really talked her ear off back then. So why couldn’t she talk now? She also remembered Rose helping her steer her IV pole into the bathroom. Had she been scared then? She didn’t think so. She found it mildly unsettling she had to pee with an audience, but soon she had become so weak she needed the help. Once she had even wet herself just from the effort of walking and left a trail from her bed to the bathroom. Ella had mumbled an weak apology, shaking and hanging on to the older woman’s arm for support, but Rose told her not to worry about it. From then on, Rose would pop in every couple hours and have her use a bedpan. Sometimes on the weekends she would fall asleep in her bed at home, and wake up from a nap only to find she was now in the living room being held and gently rocked in her mom’s arms. Diane would then lightly run her fingers through Ella’s hair, trying to hide the clumps that came out as she did so. Sometimes it was her humming that would wake her up, but on other days it was her sobs. She started going to work less and less, and soon she was at home taking care of Ella full time. Diane would drive her to chemo first thing in the morning, and then they’d have the afternoon just the two of them. Ella’s favorite would be to curl up with her mom in the Lazy Boy recliner and be read to, letting the rocking of the chair and her mom’s voice lull her to sleep. …………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………. Ella jumped when she felt Danielle grab her hand. Her new sister looked at her with mild concern in her eyes.“What’s wrong?” she asked. What? Did she have something on her face? Why was she looking at her like that? Ella rubbed at her face, surprised to find fresh tear streaks. Had she been crying? She turned her face away and dabbed at her eyes. Why had she been crying? She dried away the evidence, and tried to plaster on a fake grin. No wonder, Ella thought. She had been thinking of her mother. “Ella, are you ok back there?” Heather asked. “Do you need a change?” Ella blushed, but shook her head. “Are you sure? You’ve been asleep for a while. I can get off at the next exit an-” “Yes please!” Danielle nearly shouted. Ella looked over at her to find her legs crossed. “I told you not to drink all that soda.” Heather teased. “We’ve got another diaper back there if you need it.” “Ha. Ha.” Danielle said sarcastically.. “Please, can you get off at the next exit?” “No can do.” Heather said. “What, what do you mean? Don’t joke like that.” “I’m serious. Read the sign.” Heather said. Danielle groaned as she saw the Road Work warning signs and Freeway Exit Closed Ahead. What was worse, traffic had come to a complete stand still. “You’ve got to be kidding. Just my luck!” For every couple minutes, the van seemed to only move an inch. It was Karma for her earlier comments, Ella thought. When she had noticed the clock in the dashboard, it had been nearly three hours since they left the restaurant and she hadn’t gone at all either like she was supposed to. Heather was sure to check if she had gone. She felt kind of bad for getting to pee while Danielle was suffering, but she didn’t want to find out what would happen to her if she again hadn’t done what she was asked. So Ella closed her eyes and pretended she was asleep as she tried to relax as best she good. She had only meant to let a little bit out at a time, but once she had managed to get a stream going, it wouldn’t stop. She felt the diaper expanding underneath her shorts as she anxiously watched for leaks. She felt a little begin to pool under her butt, but compared to last time, it was nothing. It may not have leaked a lot, but this diaper was definitely done for. She cringed. It felt gross to sit in it. Everytime they hit a bump, the unabsorbed liquid seemed to slosh against her. Whatever discomfort she was feeling, it was nothing compared to Danielle, who had taken to squirming and holding herself. Ella managed to pick up her drawing pad off the floor with her feet and managed to get close enough her hands to grab. She pulled the pencil out of the ring on the side and began to draw the grey Honda next to her. She began to make a few lines when she suddenly stopped and doubled over in her seat. Her stomach making its displeasure with her hamburger known. What had she been thinking? Her stomach wasn’t used to greasy foods! She let out an audible groan that surprised both Danielle and Heather. She had to go and she had to go now! Her stomach continued to groan as she liquid pressure trying to escape her backside. No! Not in the car! Not in the middle of traffic! Her eyes began to water. “Ella, what’s the matter? Are you feeling sick?” Heather asked, looking at her through the windshield mirror. Ella held up two fingers. “Did you have an accident?” Heather asked worried. They had made a deal that she wouldn’t do that in the diaper, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep her promise. Ella shook her head, her eyes wide and pleading. Ella was pretty sure Heather had swore. “Not now.” Heather moaned. “What’s wrong?” Danielle asked continuing to squirm herself. “She needs to go number two, and by the looks of it, badly.” Dannielle scrunched up her face. They couldn’t keep the windows rolled up if she did that in the car, but they’d melt if they rolled them down. Danielle looked around outside before speaking up. “I’ll take her on the other side of the barricade.” she said pointing at the roadblock that went at least waist high. There’s some shrubbery over there.” “I don’t know.” Heather said, looking over and biting her lip, but Ella was already trying to unbuckle herself. “I really gotta pee, mom. And I really don’t want to smell dirty diaper all the way home.” “Fine, but stay close! Don’t wander off.” Heather agreed. Ella was already out of the car seat before Heather had even pressed the button to open the door. “Help her over the barrica- never mind.” Heather said before Ella launched herself over with ease, before she and Danielle raced towards cover. Danielle squatted down with her shorts around her knees almost as soon as she reached the plant. By the time Ella had managed to catch up to her, Danielle had already finished and was pulling her pants back up. Ella let the shorts drop as she hurriedly stepped out of them, revealing the diaper underneath. She desperately tried to pull at the tapes, but they wouldn’t come undone. She whimpered, she didn’t have much time left. Just when she thought she was going to have an accident, Danielle came at the nick of time, and with one strong tug, the whole thing fell away. She barely had enough time to point her butt in the bush before showing the desert ground exactly what she thought of this heat. Danielle had quickly turned around and pretended to be fascinated by the distant horizon. Once Ella was sure she was done, she reached over and plucked the diaper off the ground, using the driest part she could to clean herself. Once she was satisfied she wouldn’t track any residual back into the car with her, pulled the shorts back up and they headed back to the van. It had only moved about ten feet in their absence. “You girls feel better now?” Heather asked. “Trust me, you did NOT want Ella to do that in the car.” Danielle said. “I feel sorry for that bush.” Ella felt her cheeks grow red. “I’m sorry you had to do that, Ella, but we appreciate it. Do you think you’ll be okay now?” Ella nodded and patted her stomach, relieved it was no longer doing flips. “Do you think you’ll need another diaper? We should be home in another 2 hours, if traffic ever clears up.” Ella shook her head. “Are you sure? I can still get off whenever I get to another off ramp and help you.” Ella shook her head again, glad to be rid of it. She had made sure to pee in the desert earlier. “Well let me know if you change your mind. I called Dad and sent him to the store with a list of supplies to pick up for you before we get there.” “So you really don’t need diapers, right?” Danielle whispered to Ella as she finished buckling her back in. Ella shook her head. Danielle seemed the breathe a sigh of relief. “Cause you know, we’re sharing a room and everything. I was afraid it would smell like dirty diaper.” Ella shook her head again. “So why are you wearing them now?” “Just for the car ride.” Ella wrote on the side of the page. “So, what happened back at the Denny’s? You were freaking out outside the bathroom.” “I don’t want to talk about it.” Ella wrote, before closing her notebook. “O...kay” Danielle said with a bit of attitude. The rest of the car ride went by in silence, Danielle watched another movie, and Ella went back to sleep. The day so far had been exhausting. It seemed she had only just closed her eyes before she found herself being shaken awake. “We’re here!” Heather said. “Welcome to your new home, Ella!” Ella’s eyes went wide taking it all in. The outside lawn looked like a professional landscaper took care of the place. A bed of small colorful flowers lined the walkway leading to the green front door. The house itself was a modest size, but Ella thought it was perfect compared to the hospital. The inside had dark hardwood flooring, and the biggest tv Ella had ever seen. She looked around taking in all the furniture and family portraits. “Hi, I’m Charlie,” a red headed man said suddenly, making Ella jump as she scooted closer to Danielle. “A little shy, but that’s okay! I only bite a little!” “Ignore him.” Danielle said, rolling her eyes playfully. “And don’t laugh atl his lame jokes, you’ll only encourage him.” “I’m hurt!” Charlie said, feigning insult. “Oh, the stuff is in the girls room by the way.” “Oh good, thank you for picking that up by the way.” Heather said, giving him a small peck on the lips before heading down the hall. “Was it hot out today?” Charlie asked Ella. She slowly nodded, while Danielle groaned. “I thought I was going to die!” she exaggerated. “Honey! What’s this?” Heather called from the back of the house. Charlie and Danielle went to investigate, so Ella tagged along behind them and peaked into the room. Sitting atop the bed amongst the pile of clothes, was a small colorful chair of some sorts. “Oh, that’s the portable commode you asked me to get.” Charlie said matter of factly. “This isn’t a portable commode, this is a training potty.” Heather said, raising her eyebrows. “Yeah, you said we needed to work on that with her.” Charlie said. “So I got a training toilet.” “This is for toddlers.” Heather said stifling a laugh. “I think she’ll be too big for this. I meant the medical commode, the pink thing with the rails so you can move it.” “They wanted over a hundred bucks for that. Seemed awfully expensive for a temporary problem. “ Charlie said. “That was ten.” Danielle snorted. “It has butterflies on it.” “C’mon, Ella, have a seat.” Charlie said patting the top of the chair. “What am I going to do with you?” Heather said shaking her head. “Out, both of you. I’d like to talk to Ella and get her ready for bed.” Ella was relieved when the two of them wished her good night, and headed out the door. “Would you like to soak in the tub for a bit and get washed up?” Ella quickly shook her head. “So it’s not just the toilet then, is it?” Ella didn’t answer, but stared at the floor instead. “ I guess it would be too much to ask tonight to give the toilet a try as well.” Ella bit her lip refusing to make eye contact. She wasn’t ready for all this the moment she walked inside. “Well, I had planned on having something ready for you so we could start slow and work our way up to it, but as you can see.” Heather waved her hand at the children’s potty and Ella couldn’t help but smile. It was kind of funny. “Well, the bathrooms down the hall to your left, when you feel up for it. For now though...Do you want another diaper for tonight? I got some just in case. I’m sure they’ll fit better than the last ones.” Ella quickly shook her head no. “Well, if you’re not going to wear one to bed, I want you try going...somewhere.” Heather said. Ella picked up the plastic toilet and opened the lid. “I think you’re a little too big for that.” Heather chuckled. Ella agreed and set it down on the floor. She sat on the bed, beginning to feel sleepy. She wanted nothing more than to lay down and close her eyes. She didn’t care at this point. Ella pointed at the package of diapers. “Ok, were both tired, we’ll start working on this tomorrow.” She pulled a pull up out and laid it on the bed. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go grab a washcloth.” Ella stretched out on the bed and closed her eyes, only opening them once she felt her shirt getting pulled over her head. “Here, this will probably help you sleep better.” Heather said running the warm wet rag over her chest and down her stomach and arms. “Let’s get all that sweat off you.” Once Heather deemed her front half cleaned, she had her roll over onto her stomach and did the same for her back. Ella stiffened once she felt her shorts being pulled off but didn’t fight. She tried to think of all the things she would draw tomorrow while Heather cleaned her lower regions. Next she tugged the pull on up Ella’s legs and helped her into a long night shirt. Heather rubbed the top of Ella’s scalp as Ella settled under the covers. “Welcome home, Ella ,I think you’ll be happy here. Good night.” Ella was fast asleep before Heather had even finished closing the bedroom door.
  8. Ella stood helpless as her body’s need took over. She was as still as a statue, horrified and unable to move a muscle as the garment between her legs did little to absorb her emptying bladder. She knew she was in trouble mere seconds after beginning to relieve herself. Urine had began to stream down the left side of her thigh, down her leg and into her socks and shoes. She could do nothing about it as a puddle began to form at her feet. Her body was not willing or able to stop despite the pleading of her mind. It wasn’t until she had finished did the tears begin to fall. She was soaked from the waist down. Either the diaper had been too loose, or it had shifted to the side from all her squirming. Ella didn’t know what to do. After a full minute of standing shell shocked, Heather had begun to ask if everything was okay. Everything was not okay. All she had was the clothes on her back, and now they were ruined. She couldn’t go into Denny’s like this. “Ella, I’m coming to check on you.” Heather said. She knew it had only been a matter of time, but Ella just couldn’t get herself to go to her, so after five minutes, Heather had come to see what the problem was. “Oh.” Was all Heather had said. Ella hung her head. She didn’t say anything or make any attempt to communicate with her new mom. Ella’s face grew warm. Without warning, Heather had lifted up her now ruined skirt. “This did not work as planned, did it?” She gave a light tug and the diaper plopped off onto the ground. Ella looked down at it, most of it hadn’t even been used. “Did you try to take it off before you went?” Ella shook her head. She wanted to tell Heather it was loose, but as usual the words wouldn’t come. “I won’t be mad if you did, just tell me the truth.” Ella shook her head again, feeling a tad bit annoyed. She pointed at the diaper, moved her hands apart to show it was too big, but Heather didn’t seem to understand. “Well, let’s see if we can get you cleaned up.” Ella stripped off her shoes and socks after being prompted to do so and watched as they were unceremoniously thrown in the back. After a few seconds, she audibly whimpered and jumped from foot to foot. The hot pavement had began to quickly scald the bottoms of her feet. Heather stopped searching the trunk and rushed to pick her up. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking!” Heather said. She set Ella down feet first on the carpet. Ella began to whimper in pain. “I know, I’m so sorry, I’ll get you off your feet in a second. Shoot, where is it?” Heather said. She quickly tore through the contents in the very back before pulling out a blanket. “I got it!” She hurried back around and draped it over the back seat, motioning for the teary eyed girl to lay down. Ella did so, whimpering as Heather examined the bottoms of her feet. She could already tell blisters were forming. “Oh, Ella, I’m sorry. This is a rough day, huh?” Ella sniffed and nodded. The tears finally subsiding as the burning settled down into a dull throb. “I’ll bet you’ll feel better once you’re cleaned up.” Ella blushed, feeling her skirt slid off her body. Now naked from the waist down, with only Heather partially blocking the view from the outside world, Ella shut her eyes and pretended it was Rose. She was used to this kind of treatment from Rose, but that had been in the privacy of her hospital room. She jumped a little as a cold, wet wipe ran up and down her leg, but she quickly relaxed as the coldness felt heavenly compared to the scorching outside air. Ella didn’t even care that Heather had now reached more private areas. She just laid limply on the seat, letting Heather move and position her as she saw fit. Part of her wanted to ask if Heather would rub one up and down her back, but a clean wet wipe of course. The temptation was too much, once Heather had finished, she rolled onto her stomach and pointed at her back. Heather chuckled and obliged. Ella was practically drooling as the cold wipe went up the back of her shirt. “Allright, it’s time to get you dressed. Flip back around.” A pang of sadness filled Ella’s chest, but did as she was told. Heather opened up the diaper as Ella looked away, feeling embarrassed once again. “Will you promise to keep this one on?” Another surge of annoyance rushed through her, ruining her small moment of bliss. She reached down for the note pad and a pencil and began to write a note. “I didn’t try to take it off. It was too big.” “Ah.” Heather said in realization. Looking at the new diaper as she taped it between Ella’s legs, she lightly tugged at the straps and gently moved the crotch as it easily slid off to the side. “This is a bit big on you.” Heather agreed. Ella nodded, happy that Heather finally believed her. “It must have moved when you were squirming against the seat.” Ella nodded again in agreement. “So I guess we need to keep you from moving.” Heather went into the back again and came back with a pair of shorts and flip flops. These are Danielle’s. We spent the night in a motel last night on the way up here, so she has a spare set of clothes from yesterday. They will probably be a bit big on you though.” Ella didn’t mind as long as she didn’t have to go out in public in just a shirt and diaper. Once dressed, she sat up to meet Heather’s gaze. “Ella, here’s what needs to happen for the time being.” Ella looked at her, worried she was about to be scolded. “You’re going to have to pee is small intervals. Do you understand what I mean?” Ella shook her head. Intervals? “Sorry, it’s been a while since i’ve been around small children. Like, in small amounts. Don’t hold it until you can’t anymore, the diaper can’t handle it; It doesn’t fit you right. Since we don’t want a repeat of last time, and it’s really not fun having to hold it, just relax every so often and try to pee. Let it absorb in small amounts, do you get what I’m saying? Don’t wait until you have a full bladder.” Ella nodded, but was unsure she could do it. She definitely didn’t want to disappoint her new mom, or ruin her new sisters clothes. “Danielle’s probably wondering what happened to us. Let’s get some lunch.” Heather hadn’t been joking about the shorts being too big for her. She literally had to hold them up by the waist to keep them from falling down as Heather carried her into the diner. “Aren't those my clothes?” Danielle asked when Heather set Ella down in the booth. “She needs to borrow them for the time being until we go shopping.” Heather answered. “What took you guys so long? I’ve been waiting for like twenty minutes. The waiters been by like three times to ask if I’m ready to order.” “Sorry, we had some things that needed taking care of.” Heather said picking up the menu. “Here,” Danielle said sliding a kids menu and crayons over to Ella. Ella frowned, she hadn’t ordered off the kids menu since she was like seven. As an active soccer player, she had had a high metabolism and ate like a horse, but that had been before she had gotten sick. Ella thought fondly of going out for pizza after a game with the team. She hadn’t sat in a restaurant in what felt like years. She briefly looked over the menu, but nothing really struck her fancy. She didn’t eat much anyway. Instead of deciding on something to eat, she worked on the word search as Heather and Danielle talked about what looked good. When the waiter came by, Heather ordered a cobb salad and Danielle chicken strips. Ella merely shook her head when asked what she wanted. “Ella, aren't you hungry?” Heather asked. Ella shook her head. She felt too emotionally exhausted to eat. “You’re not feeling car sick, are you?” Ella shook her head again, only for Heather to order a kids cheeseburger for her and a cup of milk. While her new family seemed to be lost in conversation about the school Danielle went to, Ella continued working on the puzzles on her menu. Once she had finished those, she flipped over the page and began doodling patterns. She wasn’t paying much attention to what she was doing, just filled the page with little different colored squares as a way to pass the time. Once the waiter brought the drinks did Ella notice how thirsty she was. She eagerly reached for the cup that was handed to her and began gulping it down. She wasn’t really a fan of milk, but the cool liquid soothed her parched throat. In less than a minute, she had downed the kids drink portion and looked around the table for something else to quench her thirst. “How many soda’s did you drink while you were waiting for us?” Heather asked. Ella looked up, noticing for the first time just how many empty cups were on the table. “It’s hot.” Danielle shrugged, sipping on the brown liquid in her glass. “Why don’t you drink some water instead,” Heather said. “Soda is just going to dehydrate you faster.” Danielle wrinkled her nose, and Ella shuddered. She remembered what it was like being dehydrated from getting sick too much. Dehydration meant I.V. fluids, and I..V. fluids meant a needle. Ella reached for the unclaimed glass of water that was closest to her and began to down it. “So what school will Ella be going to?” Danielle asked in between sips of her soda. “I’m not sure we can get her into a school right now.” Heather said after a pause. “Why not?” Danielle asked. “Is it because she’s not potty trained?” Ella nearly choked on her straw. “Something like that.” Heather admitted. Ella felt her face blush bright red. She wanted to say she was to potty trained, but her throat closed up once she tried to summon the words. She almost never had accidents unless she was sick! She could use the bathroom just fine as long as it wasn’t...in the bathroom. “So that's why she;s in a diaper?” Danielle asked bluntly. Ella’s mouth nearly dropped open. Why were they talking about her like she wasn’t here? “Just for the ride home, i’m not sure what we’re going to do once we get there..” Heather said. “I’m not changing diapers!” Danielle said wrinkling her nose. Ella began furiously scribbling on the page. “I don’t need diapers! I don’t have accidents!” She shoved it into the middle of the table feeling frustrated. Danielle seemed to relax at first, but asked with a smirk, “So then why are you wearing one now? And why are you wearing my clothes?” “Because they made me!” Ella wrote.“I can use the bathroom just fine!” she lied. “Then why were you crying earlier?” “Danielle, please knock it off. Don’t antagonize her. She’;s in a new environment and has trouble speaking up when she needs things, that’s why she’s dressed the way she is.” Heather said. “You just admitted she wasn’t potty trained.” Danielle said back. “Look, can we not discuss this here. It’s a complicated situation. She just needs time to adjust to her new surroundings.” Ella hung her head, twirling a crayon in her hand. Her eyes burned from the tears that wanted to break through her defenses, but she fought them back. She had to prove to her new sister she wasn’t some little kid. Heather seemed to sense she was upset, as she felt a large hand begin to stroke her head. “It’s okay, she just doesn’t understand your situation. Don’t worry about what she thinks.” Ella heard whispered in her ear. Ella shrugged and pretended it didn’t bother her, even though it did. Once the food came, the others dug at their meals, but Ella merly picked at her fries. They were good, but she didn’t really have much of an appetite. Butterflies seemed to fill her stomach to the brink. She was going to live with these people who were practically strangers, one who thought she was just a little kid. A sudden pang of despair filled her chest. She missed Rose already. “Will you at least take three bites of your hamburger?” Heather asked. “The doctor wants you to gain some weight, remember?” Ella nodded, feeling a bit relieved. As long as she didn’t have to eat this huge thing at once. If this was only the kids size, she’d hate to see how large the regular portion was.She took a small bite, surprised at how much better it tasted than anything that was served to her at the hospital. Was this what flavor tasted like? She took another bite and then another. Soon she had consumed half without even realizing it. Ella felt like she was going to burst. She hadn’t eaten this much in years. She pushed her plate aside, and leaned her head against the wall. “You did good!” Heather said, nodding approvingly at the dent she had made in her meal. Ella gave her a weak smile and closed her eyes, a sudden wave of exhaustion hitting her like a ton of bricks. She was just about to doze off, but stiffened when she heard Heather whisper in her ear, “It’s been thirty minutes, have you gone yet?.” Ella blushed, but shook her head. “Please try. If you think you’ll need a change before we get back on the road let me know. I don’t want you to leak in the rental.” Ella didn’t think her face could glow any brighter. She was used to bluntness in the hospital, but for some reason this felt different.” Ella looked away from her, pretending she hadn’t heard anything. Instead, she picked up a french fry and dragged it through the ketchup making circles on her plate. “Would you rather give the bathroom one more try?” Ella dropped her french fry. She froze at the thought of going back in there, despite wanting to prove to Daniel she was potty trained. Ella dropped her head in defeat and gave it a small shake. “I want you to go one more time before we leave. You too, Danielle.” Heather said raising her voice. “Huh?” Danielle asked, looking up from her phone. “Bathroom, go.” Heather said pointing towards the back of the restaurant. “We’ll be driving through that stretch of desert again. I don’t want any accidents because you drank half your weight in soda.” Danielle seemed to grumble in embarrassment, but got up and headed towards the bathroom.””We’ll meet you back at the van!” “ “There, will that make it easier?” Heather asked, turning back to Ella.” You’ve also had quite a bit to drink.” Ella didn’t respond. “How about while I’m in the restroom, you head back to the van and wait for us? Would you rather try alone?” Ella nodded her head eagerly. Maybe she could just say she went while outside. She scooted herself out of the booth once Heather stood up, the diaper crinkling under her. Ella walked briskly back to the van, wincing at the dry heat wave that met her face once she opened the door. Once there she stood debating on what to do. Maybe she should do as Heather asked, and at least try. She inwardly groaned. All this thinking of peeing had made her actually have to pee. She glanced around, spotting a large bush. Another thought of ripping the damn thing off and squatting behind it crossed her mind. She had peed off the side of the trail several times when hiking with her mom. Her heart ached as she thought of her mom. She usually tried to avoid thinking about the past; it hurt too much. “You all ready?” A voice asked behind her. Ella jumped a little and turned to find Heather and Danielle. While her new sister hopped in the front this time, Ella was suddenly lifted into the air, blushing as she felt a hand go down her shorts. “Ella,” Heather said more sternly. She slunked down and buried her head in Heather’s shoulder. “I’m trying to be as patient with your situation as I can, but if you won’t use the diaper I’m going to have to take you into the bathroom whether you like it or not.” It was like a switch had suddenly been flipped. Ella cried and tried to force her way out of Heather’s arms, thrashing and clawing at anything she could reach. “Ella! Ella, stop! I’m going to drop you! Calm down! Please! I take it back, I won’t force you! Please calm down!” Heather tightened her grip around Ella until she could hardly move. Ella’s breathing was erratic as she continued desperately to get away.” Please calm down, I’m sorry,” Heather whispered, trying to rub the thrashing girls back. “Shh. breathe, Ella.” Heather continued to rock her back and forth. “I think you’re having a panic attack.” Ella continued to cry, but no longer fought Heather’s arms. It had only been a few hours and she was already in trouble. What if Heather didn’t want her anymore? What if when they got back in the car, she drove her back to the hospital? “It’s ok. It’s ok.” Heather said. “Does it really scare you that much? Why? What happened to you, little one?” They remained silent. “Tell me, what do you want? If you won’t use the bathroom or the diaper, then what?” Ella moved and Heather let her down. If it would make her new mom happy, she’d do it but first- Ella made sure no one was looking before she let go of the waistband on Danielle’s shorts. letting them fall to the ground before stepping out of them. She walked a few steps over to the grass and sat in it. At least if it leaked, it wouldn’t make such a mess. She gave a small push and relaxed. The crotch of the diaper grew warm as she watched it expand. She was pleased to feel this time it hadn’t leaked. In fact, it hardly felt as if she had gone at all other than feeling a little heavier around her waist. “Was that so bad?” Heather asked. Ella shrugged and stood back up. Her face burned as Heather knelt down and began poking and prodding at it. “I think this will work this time. I only have one spare left, so let’s make this one last a bit longer. Remember, no squirming and go in small amounts every so often. Ella frowned at the thought of being stuck in a wet diaper the rest of the way, but said nothing. Once she was buckled back in the booster seat, Danielle hopped in the back beside her and they were off. Now with a full stomach and empty bladder, Ella quickly drifted off to sleep.
  9. I've been having this urge to write a harry potter fanfic about a Hufflepuff with Tourrettes (because that sounds like such a hufflepuff) that goes around school accidentally casting spells at random and jinxing other kids.
  10. “Kayee, go take a seat while I check you in.” The nine year old girl nodded and made a dash for a pair of seats tucked away in the corner away from the others. She looked around the psych’s office glumly. Generic landscape pictures hung on the white walls, and the floors were covered with fake wooden planks instead of carpet. There was a table in the center of the room covered in People magazine’s and issues of Web Md’s. It wasn’t as child friendly as her normal doctors office, whose toy basket overflowed with germ ridden teddy bears and outdated hard cover I SPY books. This was a different kind of doctors office. This doctors office was for crazy people. Her head twitched as she wondered what they were going to do to her in there. “Hi, we have a 10 o’clock to see Dr. Marzan.” Kaylee heard her mom say at the front counter. “That’ll be a $60 co-pay.” The receptionist said back. Kaylee’s stomach dropped a little. Sixty bucks? Was that how much it cost her mom every time she took her to the doctor? She had been to the doctor a lot recently. Kaylee tried to do the math, but quickly gave up. Her head jerked violently to the side as she punched the air in front of her. The door opened and in walked a mother and a boy she guessed around five. She let out a bark followed by a high pitched whine. Kaylee saw the receptionist look up at her, before she looked away. “You nervous?” Her mom asked as she took a seat next to her. “A little,” Kaylee admitted. She grimaced before the muscles in her face finally relaxed. “IT’S TUESDAY!” She felt all eyes on her. What a stupid thing to yell. It was Friday. “Oh, is it Tuesday now?” Her mom said. “Bummer, I had been looking forward to the weekend.” “WEEKEND WEEKEND!” Kaylee yelled. “FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF!” She could feel her mom tense beside her. “You are nervous.” Her mom stated matter of factly. “Mrs. Shepard,” a voice called. Her mom stood and beckoned Kaylee to follow, but an elderly man held up a hand to stop her. “I want to have a minute with your mom alone for a few minutes. How about you wait there and I’ll come call you when I’m ready for you.” Doctor Marzan said. Kaylee gulped. She didn’t like being alone in public. “Here, “ Her mom said handing her something out of her purse. Kaylee’s heart soared as she took the red and black case. “Play with that until it’s time for you to come in.” Kaylee eager bounded back to her seat, all anxiety of being in the public eye long forgotten as she undid the zipper to reveal her Nintendo Switch. Oh, I’ve missed you! Kaylee thought as she turned it on. She had gotten it taken away last week when her mom had been called to the principal's office to come pick her up. She hadn’t been in school since. She didn’t mind; she hated it there. “SHUT UP!” Kaylee yelled into the quiet office as she tried to remember what she had been previously working on in Mario Odyssey. After only ten minutes of smashing through brick walls as a T-rex she felt the urge to shake her arm out. She tried her best to ignore it, but before she could stop herself, she let go of the Switch as she flapped her arm up and down. Kaylee let out a gasp as she helplessly watched her game tumble to the hardwood floor. She shot down out of her seat and scooped it up off the floor. There, impossible to ignore, was a big crack across the screen. “No!” she whimpered. Her mom had specifically told her she wouldn’t buy her another if she ever broke it. She had only had it for three months! She hit the power button, relieved to see it come back on. She’d be in trouble for sure, but at least it still worked. She let out a loud series of barks as her neck twisted to the side. “Mommy, why’s that girl barking?” The boy from earlier asked loud enough for Kaylee to hear. She could hear his mother quickly hush him. “FUCK OFF! SHUT YOUR FAT ASS!” Kaylee yelled looking down at the screen. She gulped. She hadn’t meant to say it. “Do not talk to my son that way!” the mother snapped. Kaylee looked up to see the lady glaring daggers at her. “I’m telling your mother you said that when she comes back out here!” Kaylee’s heart dropped. “I-I didn’t mean too!” She tried to say “I have turnips!” She could feel her eyes begin to burn. It was like school all over again. Her face twisted into a snarl and she let out another quick succession of barks. Her hand shot up and punched herself in the face. “David, let’s move.” the other lady said. She grabbed her sons wrist and pulled him as far away from Kaylee as she could get. She dropped her voice, but Kaylee could still here her say, “She’s obviously not all there.” Tears pricked her eyes as her vision began to blur. Her hands shot up, her neck craned as she yelled. “PEANUT BUTTER!” She hated being in public alone. “Kaylee, we’re ready for you. “ Her mom called. Kaylee looked up, tears still streaming her cheeks. “What’s wro-” Her mom begun to ask before stopping and spying the cracked device clutched in her daughter’s hands. “I told you to be careful with that!” her mom said in a disgusted tone. Kaylee shrunk back. She let out several barks, shook her head from side to side, and her body pushed. “No!” Kaylee thought, suddenly frozen. Not again! She could feel warm liquid beginning to pool under her. Her body stopped pushing and she frantically clutched herself to stop the leaking. Her mom threw her hands in the air and let out a grunt of exasperation.“See this is what I was talking about!” She half yelled to the doctor. “She pees herself almost every time she gets in trouble!” Kaylee’s face burned. Did she have to say it in front of everyone? Doctor Marzan pushed his hands out and lowered them gently down as a signal to calm down. “Let me talk with her alone.” Kaylee sniffled and wiped her runny nose down her arm as she waddled down the hall in semi wet pants. Once they were in the back, he led her to the bathroom so she could finish peeing and clean herself up. She threw her wet underwear in the trash can and scrubbed at her pants with a wet paper towel. Once she re-emerged, she followed the Dr to a room and took a seat across from his desk. “So your mom tells me you’ve been getting in some trouble at school.” He said. Kaylee nodded. Her left eye twitched. “You want to tell me in your own words what happened?” “I kicked this guy Jake in the nuts.” She mumbled. “And why did you do that?” “He was making fun of my turnips, him and his friends.” She admitted. “Turnips?” “The noises I make and all the… “she waved her hands in the air for emphasis. “Oh, the tourette's. I see” “Yeah, that thing. I always get the name wrong.” she said with a shrug. Her arm jerked out to the side. “So what kinds of things do they say to you?” he asked as he took notes. She shrugged. “They copy me, call me a freak. Tell me I need to be in the retard class.” “Do your teachers know they do this?” “Yeah, but she doesn’t care. She usually just sends me to the office.” “Wait, your teacher sends you to the office when they pick on you? Why?” “She doesn’t like my tics. Or me.” Kaylee said before letting out a loud grunt. “Why do you say she doesn’t like you?” “Another teacher told me to hand my teacher a stack of handouts. She was in the teacher’s lounge and FUCK OFF, sorry.” she said. He nodded to her to continue. “Well when I opened the door I heard her in there talking about me to the other teachers. She-She...She said she wished I wasn’t in her class because I was annoying and that I needed to be in the specials needs department.” “That must have been hard to hear. Did your tics get worse after that?” Kaylee shrugged. “I don’t want to be in special needs.” She said feeling a tear fall down her face. “I’m not stupid.” “Being in a special needs classroom doesn’t make you stupid.” He said. “I was normal last year and then.” She shrugged and threw her hands up. “Well, sometimes tics can manifest after a stressful event. Did anything happen differently this school year compared to last?” “We moved.” Kaylee said after a pause. “That’s about it.” “Being in a new environment can be stressful. Did you leave behind friends?” “Yeah.” “Did you have any friends in the school you were going to?” Dr Marzan asked. “Yeah, back in Texas.” “No, I mean here in this last one.” “Not in the school I’m going to now. I’m…” Kaylee paused. “Not very popular.” She trailed off. “Do you know why you’re not in school right now?” Kaylee shook her head. She didn’t know, she was just happy she wasn’t there. “You were expelled for attacking another student. Jake you said his name was. I need to know, do you ever have thoughts of hurting other people? Even the ones who deserve it?” Kaylee shook her head. So that’s why her mom was so mad at her this week. She had gotten expelled. “He dared me to hit him, so I did.” “You said earlier it was because he was making fun of you.” “He was, they were, “ She tried to say thinking of how to explain. “I was having punching tics, while they were standing around me.” She demonstrated by punching the air. “So they started laughing and egging me on to hit him. Said they’d give me a free shot, then Jake said I was too retarded to even land a hit and… yeah. That’s when a teacher saw me.” “Do you think they wanted you to hit him because they saw the teacher coming and wanted to get you in trouble?” “Yes.” “So you don’t normally want to hurt anyone?” “No.” “What about yourself? Do you ever want to hurt yourself?” “No, I don’t want to, but sometimes I do anyway. My hand hits my face. I feel this pressure sometimes and it’s like, I have to.” “We call that a premonitory urge. Do you feel this urge with all your tics?” “Sometimes, but when they’re strong I don’t feel anything. It just happens. Like when I yell. I feel a pressure in my throat, but I don’t know what’s going to come out.” “I want to ask you about one more thing before I invite your mom to come back in.” Kaylee nodded. “Tell me about the accidents.” Kaylee blushed. “It’s like the other stuff.” “What do you mean? It’s like a tic? You’re mom is concerned you might have been acting up for attention or something.” “No!” Kaylee insisted. “I- I can’t control it! When I tic, sometimes my body pushes without meaning too.” “And that makes you pee?” “Yes,” Kaylee blushed before letting out a bark. “I don’t do it on purpose. It’s like when I say stuff, or rock my head side to side. Sometimes It just pushes.” “I see, well how often does this happen? Once a day? Once a week?” “Umm, well, lately a couple times a day.” Kaylee admitted. “My mom gets really mad when it happens.” “Wouldn’t it be more convenient if you wore some kind of absorbent pad or something?” “I guess.” She said with a shrug. “So how about you wait out front while I talk to your mom one more time?” “Okay.” she said getting up to leave. “Oh, and Kaylee.” She looked up and met his gaze. “You’re not a freak.”
  11. Are you dead?

    1. SashaButters

      *makes gurgling dying noises*

  12. Ella’s heart fluttered with nervous anticipation. She was leaving! She was finally leaving Loma Linda Children’s Hospital and going home! When was the last time she had even been outside? Was it months? Maybe it was even years! She couldn’t remember, she was just so happy to be leaving. She stepped out the elevator with her new family and had her eyes set on the front door, when a sudden thought flashed through her mind. She looked down at the medical bracelet still strapped to her wrist. Would they even let her leave? She eyed the security desk wearily. What if they thought she was making a break for it? It wouldn’t be the first time security had chased her. Ella could clearly remember the incident. It had been the first night in the hospital after her mom died. She had been lying in bed, still numb from shock, when Rose had begun to undress her. She had taken Rose’s hand when offered and let her guide her into the restroom for a bath, and that’s when it hit her. As soon as she took just a single step in the doorway, a sudden indescribable terror had washed over her. She had never felt such a strong fight or flight reaction before. With adrenaline coursing through her, the only thing she knew was that she had to get away. Without knowing just what she was running from, she bolted, catching Rose off guard. She had run down the hall in all her nine year old glory, dodging nurses and staff along the way. Ella vaguely remembered a man cackling as she streaked by and he shouted, “We got a runner!” After a brief lock down of the facility, they finally found her cowering in the closet some 10 rooms down the hall. She had never forgiven Amelia Masterston for shouting at the top of her lungs. “She’s in here! “She’s in here!” Ella walked closer to Heather as she tried to paw at the bracelet. They were getting closer to the front door where she saw two large ,white pillars standing opposite ends of the door. To Ella, they looked like the kind of things in stores that prevented shoplifting. Ella was certain they would buzz and screech if she were to walk through with the bracelet still on her wrist. If these were like store alarms, did that mean Ella had to be rung up and paid for? Maybe Heather already had a receipt for her in case the alarm went off. But what if Heather was shoplifting her? She imagined her new foster mom shouting, “Run! Every women for themselves!” if they got caught. Ella doubted she’d be able to keep up, but she got ready to run if need be as they neared the white electronic pillars. She held her breathe, expecting the worst, but as she passed by them, nothing happened. She let out her held breath and relaxed. Maybe Rose had already rung her up when they they left to talk. She wondered for a brief moment how much Heather had paid for her, but all thoughts of human trafficking left her mind when the double automatic doors swung open. Ella was finally free! Freedom was beautiful! Freedom was hers! Freedom was… holy crap… freedom was hot! As soon as Ella walked outside she was greeted with a blast of sweltering San Bernardino heat. Ella had been used to being in the air conditioned confines of the hospital, and had completely forgotten how hot it could get here.Within a few minutes of walking she could feel her upper thighs beginning to chaff from the diaper. She hoped she wouldn’t have to walk much farther. She felt like she’d either melt or collapse at any moment. Just as Ella was wishing she was back in the cool comfort of her hospital room, they stopped in front of a grey minivan. “It’s a rental,” Danielle said. “I wish it was ours. It even has a DVD player in the back. Hey, mom, do that thing with the doors.” Ella looked on expectantly as Heather pressed a button on the key fob. Ella watched in amazement as the side door slid slowly open by itself.”Neat, huh?” Ella nodded in agreement. Her mom’s car hadn’t even had automated windows. “We need to let the van air out; it’s gonna be hot inside.” said Heather. Danielle jumped in the back and jumped back out with a, “Nope.” Heather got in the front and started the van’s engine. “I’m going to let the AC run for a bit.” said Heather. “Can you give Ella something to drink from the cooler? Maybe one of those Carnation Shakes and a bottle of water.” Danielle led her to the open trunk and rummaged around in a large, red ice chest before producing a few drinks. Ella accepted the can and bottle of water, but instead of opening them, she held them up to her face as a makeshift ice pack. “Right!” said Danielle as she did the same. “It’s supposed to get up to 114 degrees here. No thank you! It’s not nearly as hot at home.” Ella was thankful for that. She tried to recall what town they said they lived in, but she couldn’t remember. Santa something or other. All she knew was that it was going to be a long long drive. “Let me help Ella get situated and then we can go.” She heard coming from the front. Heather turned off the engine and climbed out of the front seat. Ella walked back to the open side door and peered in. She frowned while staring at the booster seat. She had hoped it would just be a little thing she could sit on and hide with her body, but this looked more like a full on car seat. Ella let out a defeated sigh before setting her drinks on the back seat and crawling over. When she sat in it ,the first thing she noticed was that she was much higher as she looked out the van window. It almost felt like sitting in a bus or a truck. Heather climbed in behind her and started fiddling with the straps. “Ella,” Heather suddenly whispered. “Rose is right. I don’t want you to worry or be stressed. We can worry about’ what we’re going to do when we get home. For right now, I want you to just take it easy. I know it scares you, sweetie, that’s why I’m not going to force you right now. Especially not out in public while we’re just getting to know each other. And I know you’re not thrilled about this arrangement, but I think it’s for the best. You don’t need to be embarrassed if you end up using it, that’s what it’s there for. Just let me know when you need a fresh one. I’ll check and see how you’re doing when we stop.” Ella felt her face flush with embarrassment. She hadn’t been planning on using it. She could control her bladder just fine. There was an awkward pause as Heather seemed to struggle to find her words. “But I have to admit, I’m out of practice… with the other kind of...you know. I’d really appreciate it if you let let me know if you have to...really go. Wet diapers is one thing, but…I know it scares you, but, if you’d be willing to try. Even if you can’t, we can figure something out.” Ella quickly nodded her head. There was NO WAY she would willingly do that in the car. There would be no hiding that kind of accident. Heather looked relieved. More than relieved even, like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. “We’ll figure something out for you.” Ella didn’t know what she meant by, “something” but it sounded better than sitting in her own waste for god only knew how long while Danielle held her nose and shot her dirty looks. Heather handed Ella her drinks back, “Doctor Richmond says he wants you to drink three of these a day.” she said, holding up the can of meal replacement shake. “They're supposed to help you gain weight since you don’t seem to like to eat.” Ella scowled as she looked at the can in her hands. “They're surprisingly not bad. I had one the other day.” Ella was doubtful. “It’s very hot, so I want you to stay hydrated.” Heather pointed to the shake and bottle of water. Please drink those before we make our first stop in LA.” Ella opened up the bottle of water and took a swig. “Good girl.” Heather praised, rubbing her hand through the girls short hair. “Would you like your art box up front with you?” Ella nodded her head eagerly. Heather reached into the back and handed it to her, but not without a warning of, "absolutely no paint." Ella tore into the box, quickly retrieving the drawing pad and as many colored pencils she could fit in her lap before setting the rest of the contents by her feet. Once Danielle had climbed into the seat next to her, Heather slid the door closed and climbed back up front. Ella watched out the window as Heather backed out of the parking spot and drove onto the main road. As much as Ella detested the fact that she still needed a booster seat, she had to admit it was fun riding so high up off the ground. It felt like she was soaring over the open road and towards her new home. ………………………………………………………………………………………………. Once they had hit the freeway, the excitement of looking out the window quickly turned dull. The scenery of tall buildings had almost at once turned into a monotonous desert scene. Ella tried to entertain herself by counting cactus, but soon there were too many to count. Instead she began counting Denny’s. In the last hour she had counted six of the big, yellow signs off the freeway. Danielle had zoned out almost as soon as they had hit the road, her attention completely transfixed to the Dvd player. Ella had given her several glances in the hope they would make eye contact and could have a conversation, but she had soon given up on the idea. She tried to follow along with the movie, but as usual, she soon grew restless and bored. Movies and tv had never been able to hold her attention for long. Ella reached for her water bottle, but found it empty. In an attempt to please her new mom, she had guzzled it down within the first ten minutes. She eyed the health shake. Was she really that thirsty? She was. She pulled the tab and gave it a sniff. When nothing foul reached her nostrils, she tentatively took a sip. A slightly off after taste, but it really wasn’t that bad. She’d had worse in the hospital. She sipped on her shake as she tried with one hand to draw the scenery on her sketch pad. Her cactus ended up looking more like pitchforks she thought, but it was something to pass the time. Once her shake was gone, she let the empty can fall to her feet. With both hands free, she was able to put her full concentration into her drawing. Ella would switch on and off between gazing at the landscape and trying to recreate it on paper. It was still mostly cactus, but at least now they weren’t so uniform, nor did they look like they should be held in the hands of an angry mob of villagers. Next she drew a billboard with with a little fork and knife symbol next to a gas pump. Over it she drew a sign for Denny’s. It seemed only fitting since they had passed one in almost every town they seemed to drive by. It wasn’t until she made a second smaller sign saying “Rest Stop Next Exit” did she notice her bladder give a small twinge. Great, she thought to herself, not even two hours into the drive. She’d have to hold it until… until… how long would she have to hold it? Until they stopped somewhere? And then what, actually use the bathroom like a normal person? She laughed bitterly to herself. Wouldn’t that simplify her life. Not a single shrink, psychiatrist, or hell, even herself knew what the problem was. She’d just have to distract herself until the feeling went away. Ella threw herself back into her drawing, only periodically looking up at the screen when Danielle let out a chuckle. She was so focused she hadn’t realized the movie had finished and her foster sister had begun watching her draw. Ella had been particularly focused on a single cacti stalk with a pair of nearby boulders when Danielle’s voice made her bolt upright. “Are you drawing a dick?” “No!” Ella said loud and clear. Danielle’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh? So you can talk.” Ella turned to the very back of her sketch pad and ripped out a page before writing her response. “You surprised me is all.” Danielle looked at it puzzled. “So you don’t talk on purpose?” she asked. Ella shook her head. “Words get stuck in my throat and won’t come out.” “But… But you just said ‘no’. I heard you.” Danielle insisted. “You scared it out of me.” Danielle read the note, a feeling of annoyance rising inside her. Little kids and their lies. Did her mom actually buy this bullshit? How long was she going to pretend to be mute for? Clearly she could talk just fine. What else was she lying about? Danielle wondered to herself as she flipped through the binder of movies she had brought with her. Her age probably. She couldn’t be ten, there’s was no way! She had a seven year old cousin bigger than her. Not to mention she was 90% sure Ella was wearing a diaper. She had seen a peak of it under her skirt when she had gotten into the van. “How about you let Ella pick the next movie.” Heather said, glancing at them from the rear view mirror as Danielle was in the middle of sliding her next choice out of its sleeve. Ella tried to sign, ‘ no thanks’, but the binder had been thrust into her lap before she could object. She halfheartedly flipped through the pages trying to find something she recognized. Worried she was taking too much time, she hastily pulled out a dvd and handed it to Danielle. “Heh, haven’t seen this in forever.” Danielle said before sliding it in and pressing play. “Whatcha girls watching?” asked Heather. “Mulan.” “Dishonor on you!” said Heather. “Dishonor on your family!” Danielle replied. “Dishonor on your cow!” They said in unison before bursting out in a fit of giggles. Ella’s gaze went from Heather back to Danielle with an expression of mild confusion. “Haven’t you seen this before?” Danielle asked. Ella shook her head. “What? Where you been living?” Ella wanted to answer, “the hospital” but instead shrugged and sat back in her seat as she tried to take her mind off her uncomfortably full bladder. Ella found she was more amused by Heather and Danielle singing all the songs than she was by the actual movie. It wasn’t bad though. She assumed she would have enjoyed it more if she hadn’t of had to pee so bad. She was crossing and uncrossing her legs by mid movie, and by the time the credits were rolling, she could hardly sit still longer than a minute or two. “Ella, are you okay back there?” Heather asked. Ella gave her the thumbs up, even though she felt far from it. “Are you girls about ready for a break? I know I could sure use a break from driving.” “Yes!” Danielle said. “My butt hurts.” Heather took the next exit and pulled into a Denny’s parking lot. Ella would have found it humorous had it not been for her current situation. Heather shut off the engine and the automatic back door began to slowly slide open. “Bathroom!” Danielle called hopping out of the van. “Go on ahead of us. We’ll meet you inside.” Heather said. Danielle wasted no time in scampering off into the diner without a single glance back. Heather came around and began to un-clip the harness securing Ella in. “You okay back here?” she asked. Ella shrugged and fidgeted in her seat. “Need a change?” she asked in a lower voice. Ella blushed but shook her head again. “You sure? It’s okay if you do, we’ve been on the road for a while.” Ella looked away. Heather offered Ella a hand up and they both exited the van. “Do you want to try and use the bathroom before we sit down and order lunch?” Those were her only choices now. Face her fears and use the bathroom or have an accident in the diaper and have to be cleaned up by Heather. With her heart thumping she nodded her head. “That a girl.” Heather praised as she took the girls hand and led her inside. Rose must have told her she had a tendency to bolt, Ella thought. Ella gripped Heather’s hand tighter as they neared the door that said, “Women,”. “Oh, honey, it’s okay. It’ll be okay.” Heather whispered, feeling Ella’s hand begin to sweat. “Would it help if you closed your eyes and I carried you?” Ella shook her head. That’s what Rose usually had to do, but Ella doubted it would help. She began to breathe harder as Heather opened the bathroom door. “What’s wrong?” Danielle asked stepping away from the sink as she dried her hands with a paper towel. “She’s scared.” Heather said, as Ella had stopped walking and stood transfixed to the spot. “Of what?” “The bathroom.” Heather replied. “Uhh, what, why? That’s weird.” Danielle said. Ella could feel hot tears begin to prickle in her eyes. All she had to do was walk in and sit on the toilet. She had done it a million times in her life, so why? “Aww honey, it’s okay.” Heather said lifting her up. She was astonished at how light she was. “It’s okay, you don’t have to worry about this right now.” Heather whispered. Ella buried her face in Heather's shoulder and let out silent sobs. “Can you go get us a table please, I’m just going to take Ella outside for a minute.” Danielle shrugged and walked to the hostess booth as Heather walked back to the van. She opened the side door and set Ella down on the seat. Ella squirmed and planted herself on the edge. “Ella, honey, don’t do that, it’s okay.” Heather said, leaning over her. “Do you need to..umm… GO go?” Ella shook her head. “Then what’s the problem? Just go ahead and go if you need to.” Ella picked up a pencil and wrote in the back of her book. “It’s gross and embarrassing.” Heather couldn’t argue with her there. “I know, but if you can’t use the bathroom, you don’t have any other options.” Heather said. She waved a hand through Ella’s hair and down her tear streaked face. “I tried.” Ella mouthed. “I know you did.” Heather said. “Tell you what, how about we walk around the building a bit, and after a lap, we come back and I can get you cleaned up. Or, if you want some privacy, you can stand on the other side of the van by yourself, take a deep breathe, and just relax and get it over with.” Ella thought about it for a moment, until she realized she didn’t have a choice. She wished she could just take the stupid thing off and squat beside the van, but it was a busy parking lot, and people would wonder why she couldn’t go a couple extra feet inside and use the bathroom. She sniffled and got up out of the van, before motioning that she’d be on the other side. “I’ll be here if you need me.” Heather said. Ella paced back and forth for a bit before stopping. Was she really gonna do this? A spasm from her bladder told her she didn’t have a choice. She looked left and right to make sure no one was watching her. Once the coast was clear, she leaned her back against the van, spread her legs a little, shut her eyes tight and let nature take its course.
  13. Thank you very much. ^^ I'm glad you liked it. I've been working on the next chapter today.
  14. Chapter Two “Thank you.” Heather said, accepting the luke warm cup of coffee from Rose. She sipped on it periodically as she weighed her options. Heather had heard Ella’s story from a friend, and her heart had broken for her. Now she began to realize how little she actually knew about her. Sure, Heather had talked to Ella’s case worker on the phone, but the information she had received seemed incomplete now. She had come to collect this girl only knowing a small fraction of her backstory. Her mother was deceased, her father wasn’t in the picture and she had previously had leukemia. That was all she was told. So why was she only now being told Ella had obviously witnessed some kind of horrific trauma? Had Ella walked in to find her mother's deceased body in the bathroom? Had she heard the gunshot and come to investigate? Is that why she wouldn’t talk? Heather shuddered as she pictured a young girl coming across her mothers brains splattered across the bathroom. Would Ella ever be the same again? And then, the toileting issues. This she had not expected. She was way past the stage in her life where she was willing to change diapers. She hadn’t had to change a diaper in ten years! And babies were one thing, but a ten year old? Heather sipped on her coffee again trying to take it all in. Was Rose trying to dissuade her from taking Ella? “I just want to make sure you’re prepared.” Rose had said. Prepare her? More like making her second guess herself. Heather felt more like a witness on the stand, with Rose as an attorney poking holes in everything she said she had planned. “A cell phone isn’t a good idea, it’s not good for her to rely on that for communication.” “No top bunk, Ella is prone to nightmares and could roll off.” “Ella doesn’t like watching tv, maybe try a board game night instead of a movie night.” Every Friday night was movie night, it was Heather and her daughters time to curl up together on the couch and relax. Who was Rose to come in and tell her to change just because they were adding a new member of the family. “Is there anything else I should know?” Heather asked, trying to keep the mild irritation out of her voice. Rose stayed silent for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. “I’m sorry if I’m being pushy.” “I could be wrong, but It’s almost like you don’t want me to take her.” Heather admitted. “No no, it’s nothing like that!” Rose said, waving her hands back and forth. “ My biggest fear is that, you’ll take her, decide you can’t handle her and bring her back. It would crush her. She’s been through so much. I want her to have a stable family. ” Rose paused and twirled a finger through her brown curls. “Ella is...” She paused again, seemingly fighting to find the right word. “Young for her age.” Heather nodded. She took another sip as an awkward pause filled the small break room. “How young?” “Well, she’s two years behind in school, but since she came back. I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist.” “If you had to guess.” “Six or seven. The stress you know, of whatever happened. Finding a good child psychologist in your area would probably be a good first step.” Heather nodded. This she agreed with. “Have social services been by yet?” “Yes, all the paperwork's been signed. Charlie, Danielle and I are ready.” “Shall we then?” ……………………………………………………………………………. Ella was a tad bit anxious when Heather and Rose hadn’t returned after ten minutes. Once half an hour had passed, she was down right convinced Heather had decided she didn’t want her anymore and Rose was just stalling for time. It had taken less than five minutes to show her new foster sister her drawings she kept in a binder. Danielle had nodded politely and smiled at all the right times, but Ella had the sinking suspicion she wasn’t as “good for her age” as the staff made her out to be. With every turn of the page the possibility was looking more and more likely, Ella decided. Ella looked at her drawings with a more critical eye and let out a small sigh of disappointment. With only a limited number of crayons, a dull handful of colored pencils and a blue pen, he pictures were anything but professional. Three months ago, on the one year anniversary of her hospitalization, Rose had bought her a box of 64 count of crayons. The big box that every kid dreamed of having. The one that even had a sharpener on the back! Ella had her suspicions it was less out of the goodness of her heart, and more to get her to stop stealing them from out of “Kids Korner” where they kept all the games, toys and coloring books. Ella had made the mistake of bringing them with her where another nurse forced her to share. The small children promptly broke them within the hour. Those crayons had been one of her sole possessions and she was inconsolable as a result. “Kids Korner” was supposed to be a playroom of sorts so the kids could interact instead of feeling trapped and isolated in their rooms, but all Ella saw it as was a breeding ground for germs, and ever since the crayon fiasco she harbored a dislike for small children. Remission or not, she didn’t trust her immune system enough to risk it, lest she end up the in ICU again with walking aspiration pneumonia. Rose said she got it from throwing up so much she had breathed it into her lungs and that’s what “aspirating” meant. Ella had written on a piece of paper she thought it meant “butt sweat” and showed it to her. It had taken Rose almost a solid minute to stop laughing and explain “ass” and “perspiring” were two separate words and were not usually used in the same sentence. It had from that moment on become their inside joke to say, or in Ella's case write, that “it was so hot in here she was aspirating”. “What are these?” Danielle asked, flipping through the very back of Ella’s binder. Most of her pictures were realistic images ; Animals, sunsets, people, but these were different. Ella didn’t show these pictures off, and she couldn’t really explain why she had drawn them, but when she was in a bad mood she went to town with that black crayon making nonsensical patterns. Ella shook her head and reached for the binder back before putting it back in the cubby hole. Anyway, she was done showing off her childish doodles, although a part deep inside (well maybe not THAT deep) longed for the praise and attention she gardened when she showed them off. “So, uh.” Danielle stammered. The passing seconds were becoming more and more awkward. Ella pointed to the tv, then to Danielle as a way of asking what her favorite shows were, “Oh, you want to watch tv?” Ella tried to shake her head “no,” but Danielle reached for the remote and turned it on. It took Danielle all of ten seconds to realize she only got channels 1 through 10. Three of those were nothing but static, one was a local news station, two were public access channels, another two in Spanish, and one that played nothing but “Judge Judy” and “People’s Court” reruns. Danielle settled on the only one that seemed bearable, Family Feud with Steve Harvey. On three separate occasions Steve told the “Roger’s” family they couldn’t say that on television, and all three times their answers were on the board. Danielle laughed the hardest when the question “Name something that gets passed around” and a contestant answered “your mom.” Ella didn't understand what was so funny, but she grinned when Steve threw his cue cards in the air and walked off the stage. Just when Ella had almost given up on getting to go home with Heather, a knock on the door announced their return. A nervous excitement filled Ella's stomach, This was it, she was finally leaving this place! No more sick little kids, no more IVs, no more shots, no more doctors, no more Ro- her heart sank a little. No more Rose. She looked at the plump, middle aged, Hispanic woman fondly. Ella would miss her most of all. She tried not to think about it as Heather began collecting what few possessions Ella had. “Hey, Danielle,” Rose said, handing her the now packed box. “Why don’t you load this in the car while we finish getting your new sister situated.” As soon as Danielle left, Heather pulled up a chair and Rose stood next to her bed. She felt Rose gently place a hand on her shoulder and heard her whisper, “Please don’t fight.” Ella gave them both a quizzical look. “We have a long trip ahead of ourselves, and I know your having some. . . problems.” Heather said. Her smile was kind, but Ella saw it was one full of sympathy. Something was about to happen, something she knew she wasn’t going to like. “I know it’s going to take time to work through them and it’s going to take time for you to trust me, so we figured it would be best if for the car ride, and maybe a little longer, if we didn’t push you too hard.” Ella was confused. What were they talking about? She looked to Rose who was holding a piece of clothing in her hand. She set it on the bed before drawing the curtain around herself and Ella. “Lay back, hun, I’ll get you situated and then you can head out.” Ella did as she was told, It wasn’t until a skirt was removed and a diaper fell out that she put two and two together. The were going to put her in a diaper for the car ride! She sat bolt upright and backed as far as she could from Rose while shaking her head. “ Ella, please.” Rose said. Ella shook her head again while hugging her knees to her chest, She pointed to herself and signed “toilet.” Rose smiled, but had her doubts. “Will you or are you just saying that?” Ella didn’t respond, just continued staring at the floor. “Can we trust you to speak up?” Ella signed toilet again. “She’s driving, how will you get her attention?” Ella tapped Rose on the arm and signed toilet. Rose thought about it for a moment. “Alright, prove that you’ll use the toilet right now and I won’t diaper you.” Ella stared at her then slowly shifted her gaze to the closed bathroom door. Ella scowled. Feeling determined to prove them wrong, she got out of bed only stopping once she reached the door. She looked back at Rose, sending her a pleading look. Rose only nodded and said, “go on”. Ella took a deep breath and opened the door. She took one step inside and froze. Ella felt like she couldn’t breathe. Her legs felt paralyzed. She had to do this or else she’d be in a diaper in front of her new family. She just had to… Ella hung her head in shame and walked back before collapsing on the bed in a fit of tears. She couldn’t do it. “Shh. Shh. It’s okay.” Rose said rubbing her back. “See, it will be better this way. Less stressful for everyone.” Ella didn’t respond, just continued to cry into her pillow. “No more tears, little one. This is supposed to be a happy day.” Rose gently lifted her up and put her on her lap, periodically bouncing her as one would a small child. Ella wrapped her hands around Rose and buried her face into her. “Danielle doesn’t have to know. It can be our secret.” Heather said. Rose waited for Ella’s sobs to turn into sniffles before lifting her up and putting her down on her back on the bed. “You better behave now. You wouldn’t want the monster to come out.” Ella quieted down almost immediately and gave her a look as if to say, “you wouldn’t”. “Duh nuh.” hummed Rose. She continued humming as her hand inched her way closer. “Duh nuh.” Ella slowly backed away. “Duh nuh..Duh nuh Duh nuh Duh nuh.” Her hand shot forward as fingers made their way across Ella’s ribs. Ella let out a squeal of laughter as she tried to curl into a ball to fend off the attack. Rose finally stopped after a good minute, leaving the girl panting and gasping for breath albeit with a large smile on her face. “Okay, it’s time to calm down and get this over with.” Rose said. “Lay out straight.” Ella reluctantly stretched her legs out and laid back down on her back. She winced as she heard the crinkling. Sure, it wouldn’t be her first time being diapered here, but that was different. She had pneumonia then and couldn’t control her bowels when she coughed. She was too sick to even feel embarrassed when an orderly walked in and nearly gagged at the smell. She vaguely remembered Rose scolding her about not telling her she had had an accident. Several accidents actually, but she really didn’t care that she was lying in her own waste. She was that sick. She had fallen back asleep while Rose was trying to do damage control and woke up in a diaper. It hadn’t bothered her then, but now. . . Ella could feel her face burning as Rose lifted up her legs and slid it underneath her. She had no fever to distract her, no pounding headache or nausea. All she could feel was the soft material under her butt and the hyper awareness of her foster mother just a foot or two away. Was she having second thoughts? What did she think of her now? Ella could feel Rose rubbing powder in between her legs and butt. She didn’t mind Rose doing this, but the thought of Heather changing her made her eyes sting with fresh tears. “What happens at the hospital stays at the hospital” Rose would say when Ella had been a new patient. Of course she had been embarrassed then, for a little while at least. She had gotten used to having no privacy rather quickly, but this felt different. Wrong even. She would be leaving the hospital in it. She was going out into the real world, and in the real world, ten year olds didn’t need diapers. “All done,” Rose said finishing with the tapes. Ella couldn’t even put her legs together. “It won’t, you know, leak in her booster seat will it?” Heather asked. Ella’s mouth hung open. Booster seat!? She mouthed the words to Rose. Wasn’t that for little kids? She hadn’t needed one since she was five! “Just give her a change at the halfway point and you should be fine.” Rose said to Heather, before turning to Ella. “You’ve lost a lot of weight kiddo, and you haven’t grown like a normal ten year old. You don’t want your new mom to get a ticket do you?” This, Ella thought, was not a good start to her new life. She shook her head as she finished getting dressed. Danielle had come back in the room and was standing in the doorway waiting. “I have something to give you before you leave.” Rose said. Ella watched her open a closet and come back out with a wrapped box. Ella’s eyes grew big as Rose handed it to her. She smiled as she tore at the paper. Her smile turned into a wide, beaming, grin as she revealed the contents. A large 83 count set of art supplies. It had colored pencils, oil pastels, watercolors, brushes, a sketch pad and drawing pencils. Ella flung her arms around Rose’s neck as Rose laughed and returned the hug. In a voice so small she wouldn’t have heard if the room hadn’t been absolutely silent, Ella said, “I’ll miss you.” Rose eyes prickled with tears. She had spoken! “I’m gonna miss you too.” and with one more hug farewell, Rose watched the small girl leave with her new family. She only hoped she’d never have to see her here again.
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