solous.persona

Hey Y'all! So...I took The Plunge and put Grindr and Scruff on my phone(I'm Bi As Fuck btw). I've been thinking about this for a while, and I'm ready to start looking for my First Boyfriend! 😍 I've had Grindr for about a week now and the response has been nothing short of amazing! I've met so many new wonderful people and I'm making lots of new friends. A few Creeps, but I was totally expecting that. I set up my Scruff Profile this afternoon but if I'm being honest, the UI is a little overwhelming. I'm just gonna have to sit down tomorrow and fiddle with it until I figure it out. I'm VERY new to all of this, but I'm having fun nonetheless. The confidence in my body alone has risen by leaps and bounds! In my long history of Mental Illness, this is the first time I've felt this good about myself in YEARS! I feel like I could FINALLY be me! I Came Out to my best friend the other night. We live in the DEEP 'Hood in Austin, and he's a former Gang Member. We've been talking about getting our own place with increasing seriousness, and in order for things to not be awkward when I inevitably started bringing Guys over I had to tell him. He was TOTALLY cool with it! He said he'd never judge me for something like that. I cried off and on for the rest of the night. My first ever Happy Tears. So my reason for writing this is to ask any Grindr/Scruff Vets out there for any advice they may have, no matter how obvious it may seem. I know what I'm attracted to and I know what I'm about as far as Kinks go. But chatting up Dudes seems to be something I suck at for some odd reason. I've had several ok chats and a handful of Prospects, but nothing Solid yet. I'm so glad I did this. I just wish I had all My Shit figured out earlier. I got a lot of lost time to make up for! Thanks Y'all! 💜

So here's how I spent yesterday: For background, I've fallen into the Lofi Hip-Hop Rabbit Hole HARD. I found this song on a Pueblo Vista poodcast the other night and I just HAD to do somethin' with it; I couldn't help it. Conformidad-Smod So there's the song, here come the lyrics I wrote yesterday. The guitar pickin' is your metronome and don't let the dice stop rollin' on the flow. Think Geto Boys for rap style and you should be able to feel it. Lyrics start to upbeat before the drums kick in at 0:29. I call this "Stardust" If the pen is mightier than the sword and knowledge is power, Then I'ma fuckin' Howitzer! Dark Energy surroundin' us, bindin' us together. Yeah, we know it's Out There. And there's a fuckin' reason that we all we all come from Stardust! We see the world thru the lens of individuality when we know there's trillions of others spread throughout the Galaxy. Movin' thru the stars faster than a Gamma Ray but we're still hung up on some bullshit like race? There's others Out There but we'll never fuckin' see 'em. We're too busy peepin' the neighbors wonderin' how we're gonna beat 'em. We ain't leavin' this Rock as long as we're divided, not 'til all this Tribalism Bullshit's subsided. Open up my mind, get high, an' surf the Cosmos. Ev'ry fuckin' day the Smoke's fillin' up my torso. I walk the Streets with a Stutter-Step in my feet. They're bein' driven by a Lofi Hip-Hop Beat! Chakras open, tryin' to get that Akashic Record, benefit Humanity, and bring us all togetgher. It's a chill job, but someone's gotta do it. Might as well be me. Let's fuckin' do this! Starin' in the Abyss, seein' if It'll look back. Take a fuckin' swan dive. I ain't leavin' no return address. Gonna take my exit from this world for a while, got some information that needs to be compiled. They say "Genius And Madness Are Two Sides Of The Same Coin," but it's a razor's edge to balance between sadness and joy. I find that fuckin' valley and ride as long as I can. Ev'ry single second bein' pulled down by The Man! Why do I have to be a Useless Cog in a Huge Machine? Why can't I just do Me? What the fuck does this all mean!? We weren't put on this Earth to be Wage Slaves, countin' down the months 'til the next fuckin' Vacay. I'm the Wrench thrown in The Works by a monkey. Tear it all down, just you try and fuckin' stop me. We'll find a solution together, I promise. There's somethin' better Out There, We jus gotta fuckin' find It... ❤️

I've learned the hard way that Sex, altho it's fuckin' AMAZING when you're Manic, is like pourin' gasoline on an open flame. I still masturbate regularly every day, but the only time I let myself go crazy now is when I watch gay porn for an hour straight every Sunday at the same time I used to go to Mass as a teenager. Weed, Music, Meditation, and a few other Coping Mechanisms I've learned along the way are what get me thru my day without Meds. I'm tryin' to stay off them as well as I'm 36 and I already have TD in my hands. I stopped takin' my Depakote after the first uncontrolled muscle twitch. I just keep a full bottle of that around along with a bottle of Seroquil in case I need to..."Hit The 'Eject' Button?" yeah. We'll go with that(it's my life. If I wanna take an Early Check-Out, I've fuckin' earned that right). I would be lyin' if I said that I'm White-Knucklin' It less than 80% of the time, but I can deal with it(for now anyways). Successfully goin' off your Meds requires A LOT of mental discipline. You need to be able to recognize the nanosecond your thoughts start to run rampant, but that's the easy part. The hard part is learnin' how to pump the brakes a little bit, pull yourself back in, and refocus. It's one of the main reasons I converted to Buddhism; the whole "Power Over The Mind" thing. Buddhism has been teachin' mental coping techniques since around 580 CE that modern psychology has only just now started figure out. I don't normally push my spiritual views onto anyone, particularly Internet Strangers, but I can't recommend Buddhism enough to people with mental health issues. It's like Mental Navy SEAL Training(or your country's Special Forces analog), and you can't help but feel a little like a wise old Jedi Master once you "Get Good." I'll stop here as I don't want to take the spotlight from others tryin' to help. Please don't hesitate to PM me if you EVER find yourself in a Crisis of ANY kind. I'm a "Suicide Survivor"(I fuckin' HATE that term) with a broad spectrum of life experiences to draw from. I wish you well. ❤️

I promise I'll write this up tmrw. I spent most of my day High As Fuck nursing a hangover, 'cause my dumbass hasn't gone out drinkin' in like, 5 years; plus I spent the majority of the Preparation just tryin' not to have a panic attack, so I barely ate anythin' before I left. On top of all that I did so much walkin' my are just fuckin' killin' me. In between BIunts(plural) I just laid in bed and listened to lofi hip-hop while rehydratin'. To Short The Long Of It: Altho no sexaul contact of any kind was had last night(besides a fingertip over my knuckles and a wink from the cute Zombie Bartender as he commented on my hair) I had a great night! I met so many wonderful people and I got to come out of my shell and be extroverted again! I was smokin' myself to sleep and about to logout for the night when I saw this. However...To tide you over(and totally NOT a cop-out 😛), one of the last good long stories I posted was a My First Bi Experience. It's the last post on my Funny Drug Stories Thread in the Off-Topic Forum. Enjoy! ❤️

I dealt with A LOT of rapid-cycling manic episodes in my 20s. It seemed like sex was the only release. I was a hot-shot young buck Chef back then, so I would leave work all amped-up from the dinner rush and go get cross-faded and fuck the brains outta one of my bartenders. Guy. Girl. Didn't matter as long as someone down(altho truth be told the gay bartender and I never actually had sex, we did mess around a lot tho ❤️). I finally found out what works for me when I start to go manic is some good Indica, a chill lofi hip-hop station, and 10-15 minutes of medititation. If you've never meditated before it's tough at first, especially for people like us. Our brains are not wired to just switch off like that. It'll take some practice at first, but it's totally worth it in the long run. Also. Youtube offers a plethora of guided meditation videos for beginners. One last thing as I know this is gettin' kinda lengthy. Another thing that helps when I start to notice I'm about to go off the deep end again is I just repeat to myself over and over "Are These The Actions Of A 'Normal' Person?" Hope this helps. I'm always here if anyone has any mental health issues. I've been thru it all and still kickin'.

Preparation: Subject [solous.persona] will maintain a functional level of Stoned and will always have earbuds in. Subject will constantly listen to "Smoke Chill | lo-fi hip-hop" livestream on Youtube to quell any social anxiety that will arise throughout the day. Subject will trim beard, shower, style hair, brush teeth, and generally make a serious attempt to look like a Human again. All the while reminding himself that, once upon a time, he was an extrovert; it's still there, he can do this. Execution: At approx. 15:30 CST Subject will board a CapMetro Bus to downtown Austin, TX and find a location to "Hang Out" until 18:00 CST. Subject will employ Mindfulness Meditation coupled with breathing exercises as a means to deal with any overwhelming anxiety. At 18:00 CST Subject will make his way to Cheer Up Charlies, a local gay bar. Subject will then attempt to complete the following. Primary Objectives: -Subject will "Have Fun" -When asked about his "Costume," Subject will, in a charming and friendly manner, answer he is "Just A Broke Dude" for Halloween. -Subject will make attempts to engage with people he doesn't know in conversation. Secondary Objective: Subject will keep an eye out for anyone he may find attractive. Subject will, if presented with the opportunity, fufill every gay omo fantasy he has ever had with said attrative person. Tertiary Objective: Subject will consume any Cannabis and/or Psychedelics offered to him and just "Let The Night Happen." Outcome: Status Ongoing. Will update when able. Wish me luck and Happy Halloween Y'all!

Star Wars a we knew it growin' up is dead to me. Thank and Fuck You Disney. I don't even acknowledge Disney Star Wars and I've made it my Life Mission to make sure Disney gets $0.00 of my money. The Expanse...I could talk about The Expanse all day! I've read thru whole series 3 times. I haven't read the newest one yet, but it's on The List. Of the show I've only seen up to the 1st episode of Season 4. I was a little disappointed as it took a season and a half to do the first book, but only 4 episodes to do the third book, which is my favorite one. Have y'all watched any Scott Manly? He's a youtube "Armchair Physicist" and has a lot of videos about the science of The Expanse, Space Exploration in general, and he does a lot of cool stuff in Kerbal Space Program(like buildin' and flyin' a Viper mk II from Battlestar Galactica).

With a Screenname like that you'd better be a Space Nerd! 😛

Meme Guy? Who's that? Lol I'ma have some time this weekend to watch highlights. Ultimately tho I'ma be doin' some (legal) Side-Hustle's to ensure I got enough scratch to have a fun Halloween on 6th Street. Ya know. Priorities. 😄

I know full well how much of an asshole I'm about to sound like, and I accept that. Here 'Goes... I LOVE the History of NASCAR, and its Origins! To me it doesn't get any more Hillbilly Punk Rock than Soupin'-Up your car to out-run the Cops 'cause you got a trunk full of Illegal Canadian Import Liquor, White Lightnin', and/or Bathtub Gin and they need a Speakeasy to call "Home." Prohibition was the biggest study in Unintended Consequences the U.S. has ever seen. It gave a violent idiot like Al Capone the keyes to Chigago almost over-night, and brought about what we now know as NASCAR today(among other things). Comparin' NASCAR to F1 is Apples To Oranges so I'm not gonna do that(much). I do like F1 better from an Engineering Standpoint as they're always tryin' Push The Envelope(I've never understood that sayin') with new tech and little tricks, findin' any Loophole in The Rules for that year, just to get a 0.01s edge. I think that, 'cause all the cars are exactly the same, that there is a little more skill involved as a NASCAR Driver. But when it comes down to it, I just can't watch a bunch of Rednecks drive around a big oval for hours on end. I know I'm a horrible Texan for thinkin' that way, but I've spent so many Sunday afternoons tryin' to give NASCAR a chance, only to fall asleep on the couch. Money also has somethin' to do with it as well. And before you start up, I am well aware of F1's Money Problems, where if you have just a modicum of Talent, but a Metric Shit-Ton of money, you can buy a seat with a mid-field team(I'm talkin' to you Lance Stroll). I am also aware some great tracks like Istanbul, India, and Malaysia are still feelin' the bite from the Eccelstone Epoch. But there is one thing that F1 still has in spades compared to NASCAR: Ceremony. The end of a Grand Prix is rife with Flags, National Anthems, Trophy Presentations, and the Sprayin' Of Champagne to the background of Carmen's Toreador. Whereas at the end of a NASCAR race the Driver spins around a few times, and then IMMEDIATELY gets his picture taken drinkin' 5 diff'rent drinks, and wearin' 8 diff'rent hats. NASCAR is just a giant Billboard now, whith all Ceremony sucked away in exchange for that PERFECT shot of the Winning Driver drinkin' a Pepsi with a Jiffy-Lube hat on. It's a little sad seein' what NASCAR is today versus how it all began. The Magick's gone. It was, once upon a time, just a bunch a Bootleggers gettin' together to see who had the fastest Trap Car. Somethin' got lost along the way as they got organised. Anyways, that's my two cents about NASCAR. Hope y'all don't think I'm too much of a Motorsports Snob. I'll be over on The Formula One Thread if y'all need me.