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RagingPython

Established Member
  • Content Count

    595
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About RagingPython

  • Rank
    Bursting
  • Birthday 08/14/2000

Personal Information

  • My pronouns are..
    she/her

My Kinks

  • I'm into..
    Bathroom Control
    Crossdressing
    Cuddling
    Immobilization
    Master / Slave
    Pleasure control
    Public humiliation
    Sadism / Masochism
    Tomboys

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Single Status Update

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  1. I’ve been having a much tougher time these last few days. Everything seemed to be going so well, but I felt my mental health start declining the day before Halloween. It seems I can’t be happy for more than a few days without something dragging me down. I forced myself to keep going until afterward Halloween, as everyone in my family was so exited, I couldn’t just let myself ruin it for them, but the last 5 days have been a struggle.

    I’m in a much more stable state than I was, so in a way it’s not as bad, but in other ways I feel worse. I’m having even more trouble talking to people, and just doing everyday tasks is o hard now... most days it takes all my strength just to survive university. I’m even being late to university, since I wake up on time, but then it takes an hour or two of lying there feeling useless before I can find a reason to get up. 

    It feels like my world is getting smaller... I feel isolated from everyone, since I can’t let them see this hidden side of me. It’s too much, even just talking to my friends about it is an overwhelming thought. Keeping the facade of happiness up is so draining too, that I can’t even really do anything with them, which means that I’m spending more time on my own.

    I only leave the house for university now, I can’t do much else. When I’m at home, I just spend all my time curled up in bed. There’s no point in getting up and doing anything, I may as well just lie down and wait until the next day. I can’t even sleep properly because my mind is always super-mean to me and keeps making me think about everything that I hate about myself.

    I’m not sure what to do. I’m trying to push myself to do more; I don’t want to let myself give up, and it feels like I’ll never get over my mental health if I keep hiding at home all day. But... it’s just so hard. I don’t have any energy, so doing anything is tiring, but I’m still trying to talk to my friends more, even if I can’t admit what’s going on.

    What I’m worried about is whether I’ll ever go back to normal... all I want is for things to be back to the way the were, but if I do that these horrible feelings will just come back... and I know that because I know why I’m getting them. I had a bit of a realisation... at the centre of everything I’ve been feeling; all the suffering and pain, is the fact that I can’t find a single positive thing about myself.

    I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I hate my appearance. I hate my voice. I hate my autism. I hate my anxiety. I hate my health. I hate it all. Most of all, I really hate who am. I feel like I’m a selfish, useless failure who causes pain for everyone she meets... and I know it’s true... that’s why it hurts so much to think about.

    So many people I know care about me, but I wish they didn’t. All I can do is make things worse for them, but they don’t like I when I isolate myself... I just want to hide and stop myself ruining everything for them, but I can’t... because if I do, I make them worry about me, and they miss me, and then I end up causing more pain for them. It hurts me so much to think about how much I’m hurting everyone else... if I just didn’t exist, or if I just disappeared, everyone would be better off, but I’m too selfish to ever do something like that...

    I’ve felt like this for years... but never this bad. I don’t know why it’s only so recently that it’s got so much stronger, but I wish it would just stop... I wish it would all just stop. The pain, the confusion, all of it. But it won’t... it won’t ever, because I’m the cause. Because I’m such a terrible person. All I want to do now is make everyone happy, but I can never do that because I ruin it for them...

    I’m sorry this is so long. It’s just that whenever I start typing, it all just overwhelms me and I can’t hold back my feelings anymore... I should just delete this... but I’m too selfish, I can’t even stop myself making you guys waste your sympathy and energy on me. I’m so sorry that you guys have to deal with me...

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Tangosierra97

      This anonymous corner of the internet believes in you. 

      Depression+anxiety is a beast. A beast that lives by eating you. I've seen it. It is not a failure on your part that this beast exists. 

      People out there love you. Find and cherish as much of their company as you can manage. 

      The fact that you worry about being selfish means you are not. Selfish people don't care about others. 

      Please see a professional who can help as soon as you can manage. They have better knowledge and tools than we here do. And just like the beast can spiral into being huge, the reverse is also true: good emotions feed on good emotions. Take care of yourself. 

    3. WailinJenny

      It isn't a waste at all, from anyone. You are worthy of sympathy, empathy, and concern. 

      And of course I'm sure its strange from some random person on the internet, but if you'd like to talk, I'm here to listen. And if anyone else offers that, they mean it too. They wouldn't do so otherwise. 

      I'm not going to pretend I understand exactly what you feel, because that wouldn't be fair. I've definitely been through my share of feeling isolated, unbearable emotional pain, suicidality, self-hatred, and more, but each of our journeys are different. 

      My only advice is to seek out help (in whatever form that means to you), even if you don't want to. 'Cause that tends to be when you need it the most. 

      Sending positive energy your way! Image result for queer heart

    4. Red Simpson

      @RagingPython I now 100% understand how you feel for the past month my self esteem has deteriorated and with that my confidence drops i know what the problem is as you saw but i feel i can't do anything to sort it out as of right now I'm covered in my duvet contemplating life itself i hate myself and everything i stand for everywhere

      i look i see people who are far more lucky than i am which just makes me hate myself more i don't want to live but i can't commit suicide so I'm stuck in hell

      So i feel your pain 100%

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