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RagingPython

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  1. Everything seemed like it was going well a couple of days ago, but it’s just all taken a massive nosedive...

    It all started with the 8th, where I was constantly stressed and worried because I’d had to change my routine significantly as I needed to visit the opticians. I ended up out of comfort zone all day, and I couldn’t handle it all. It seems simple, just changing a day’s schedule, but it’s not for me... it’s the worst part about the autism + anxiety combo, stuff like this can be a nightmare.

    Despite that, I think I would’ve been able to cope, if I hadn’t made some mistakes with timing, leading to me missing some important things. That was when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was incredibly stressed out, I didn’t know what I was going to do or what was going to happen, as things weren’t going the way I’d planned today to go, and it wasn’t helped by some horrible part of my mind repeatedly reminding me how stupid I was, and how everything that had gone wrong was my fault.

    I ended up giving up on everything I wanted to do that day, post opticians, and went home to cry in a ball and hide as soon as possible. I calmed down later, but I wasted an entire day because of it. The worst part was, I knew that on the 9th, and indeed for the rest of the week, I was going to be doing a lot more schedule changing and stressful events, most of which I was worried about.

    So on the 9th, I woke up, feeling astronomically tired as I’m suffering from insomnia now, which is triggering my CFS again. I can’t say exactly what happened in the morning, but it was too much for me to handle. There was an argument... a lot of shouting on both mine and the other side’s part... and I just ran for it. I wanted to run and keep running, to get as far away from my problems as I could.

    But that was the issue. I couldn’t. Because I was the problem. I was the cause. It was all my fault, everything that happened that morning, everything that had gone wrong, it was all my fault because I’m a terrible, useless, waste of a person who has achieved nothing but ruin people’s lives for the last 20 years.

    Or at least... that’s how I felt at the time. I know it’s not true... I know I’m not like the way I feel I am sometimes... but there’s this part of me even now that feels like it’d be better for everyone I care about if I wasn’t there to get in the way of their lives, and that I’m the cause of all my issues, whether I like it or not.

    I was scared, lost, confused and I felt more alone than ever before, and I effectively had a full-blown panic attack. I didn’t know what to do or how I was going to do it. I ran as far as I could away from my house, and found somewhere to hide for a while... and after a few hours I felt strong enough to face my anxiety and go back.

    I then went to university for the whole day. My though were still clouded, and I wasn’t thinking properly, everything seemed so dark and negative, but that same negative part of myself was the reason why I insisted on going to my classes, I didn’t want to be anymore of a useless failure than I already was.

    It... was a lot like on the 1st, which to be honest I don’t really want to think about even now... I had the same thought process, the same ‘realisation’ that I was the cause of my problems, and those of everyone I cared about, and the same phase of horrible thoughts about how I didn’t deserve to live, or even to exist...

    I don’t know why I felt like that, but I don’t want to feel like it again... I hate it! It’s horrible! It’s the worst feeling in the world. I never want it to happen again. Not now, not ever...

    I’m starting to worry that I don’t know what I’m going to do. Everything seemed to be getting better, but then it collapsed again... it’s just to much for me to handle right now, everything’s so complicated and scary...

    I just want this all to be over...

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Red Simpson

      You should be able to find a box set on Amazon it's such a funny show

    3. RagingPython

      Alright! Sounds fun.

    4. Red Simpson

      I....desperately need to pee i only just woke up but omg my bladder is soooo full

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