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I'm on mobile so I hope you forgive me for not making a better review. But being passionate about both fiction and omo, I can suggest a few things.

One, after you finish, optionally let the story sit for a few days then read over it very carefully. You'll catch more typos and areas where it doesn't flow well. For instance, your first sentence is redundant in describing the "bright" sunlight twice. You also have a habit of chaining clauses with "and" like five or more times in one sentence. Stick to once if you can; simplicity is your friend.

I don't want to discourage you because the world needs more omo authors. But you'll be amazed at the things you can create if you put your all into it. 😄

Edited by AliasnameTO (see edit history)
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I love stories like this, where they not only don't feel too bad about a pee accident but think it felt good and develop an interest in it. While in real life it's a priority that they either don't really mind it too much or want us to enjoy it nonetheless, it's always nice to see in fiction as well.

Also, I did some google searches like that as well a few days ago to see if there was anything on that outside of here. I've seen people ask on some sites why it feels so good or if it's unusual that they do that, and other people replying and being very open-minded and accepting of it. (or maybe they were into it themselves)

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10 hours ago, AliasnameTO said:

I'm on mobile so I hope you forgive me for not making a better review. But being passionate about both fiction and omo, I can suggest a few things.

One, after you finish, optionally let the story sit for a few days then read over it very carefully. You'll catch more typos and areas where it doesn't flow well. For instance, your first sentence is redundant in describing the "bright" sunlight twice. You also have a habit of chaining clauses with "and" like five or more times in one sentence. Stick to once if you can; simplicity is your friend.

I don't want to discourage you because the world needs more omo authors. But you'll be amazed at the things you can create if you put your all into it. 😄

Thanks for the feedback criticism is good and it helps me improve! Thank you so much

7 hours ago, The Dark Wolf said:

I love stories like this, where they not only don't feel too bad about a pee accident but think it felt good and develop an interest in it. While in real life it's a priority that they either don't really mind it too much or want us to enjoy it nonetheless, it's always nice to see in fiction as well.

Also, I did some google searches like that as well a few days ago to see if there was anything on that outside of here. I've seen people ask on some sites why it feels so good or if it's unusual that they do that, and other people replying and being very open-minded and accepting of it. (or maybe they were into it themselves)

Still working on an idea for the next part of the story! Any criticism and suggestions for a new story would be greatly appreciated:)

12 hours ago, Melificentfan said:

This is a interesting story 

Thank you so much! 

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I am in love with Kailey already! Can't wait to read more. The way she was teasing boys with her adorable undies drove me nuts! I'd love it if she were to wear some cheap see thru leggings and flaunted another pair of cute printed panties underneath... Just a suggestion lol. Whatever u do just continue this saga! Great story my friend.

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8 hours ago, OmoJack said:

I am in love with Kailey already! Can't wait to read more. The way she was teasing boys with her adorable undies drove me nuts! I'd love it if she were to wear some cheap see thru leggings and flaunted another pair of cute printed panties underneath... Just a suggestion lol. Whatever u do just continue this saga! Great story my friend.

I'll take the suggestions into consideration:))

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  • 4 weeks later...

I hope I don't discourage you because this is an interesting concept for the story, but I feel it was a little rushed and the details were not really explored to their full potential.

What do I mean...?

Well, I feel that you could had showed a little more teasing maybe having boys in her second or third class trying to get looks while she teased them with opening and closing the view on them, or maybe you could have had the friends actually have a conversation either on the bus on the way to school where they talked about something, anything, it didn't have to be important, the conversation lasting a little more than it seemed to.  And you said that the mother came to pick her up, but we have no idea of what mom thought about what happened, or if she was okay with it because it seemed the mom's feelings and character was just skipped over, or maybe I read it wrong?  

These are just stated as maybe things to think about when you write again, about trying make your story more involved.  I am sure you see something very specific, but since we do not share your mind or your thoughts, you have to help us visualize what you see, or we have to fill in blanks completely on our own.  Not that there is anything wrong with that if that is what you were aiming at, but I didn't feel like that's what you were going for when I read the intent of the story.

Thank you for reading my suggestion, and please do understand, it is not meant to say that your story was not good.  Actually, I think your story idea is very good.  I just think it has more potential, and I thought maybe you'd like to know how to get us more invested and involved with your main character.

Anyway, thank you for sharing the story.

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On 12/6/2019 at 6:00 AM, Ishigreensa said:

I hope I don't discourage you because this is an interesting concept for the story, but I feel it was a little rushed and the details were not really explored to their full potential.

What do I mean...?

Well, I feel that you could had showed a little more teasing maybe having boys in her second or third class trying to get looks while she teased them with opening and closing the view on them, or maybe you could have had the friends actually have a conversation either on the bus on the way to school where they talked about something, anything, it didn't have to be important, the conversation lasting a little more than it seemed to.  And you said that the mother came to pick her up, but we have no idea of what mom thought about what happened, or if she was okay with it because it seemed the mom's feelings and character was just skipped over, or maybe I read it wrong?  

These are just stated as maybe things to think about when you write again, about trying make your story more involved.  I am sure you see something very specific, but since we do not share your mind or your thoughts, you have to help us visualize what you see, or we have to fill in blanks completely on our own.  Not that there is anything wrong with that if that is what you were aiming at, but I didn't feel like that's what you were going for when I read the intent of the story.

Thank you for reading my suggestion, and please do understand, it is not meant to say that your story was not good.  Actually, I think your story idea is very good.  I just think it has more potential, and I thought maybe you'd like to know how to get us more invested and involved with your main character.

Anyway, thank you for sharing the story.

I tried that's all I can say, I dont really have much motivation to make more so unfortunately dont expect much, my punctuation and ideas are just not great anyways, I've always sucked at English, thanks for telling me 

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23 hours ago, ethanboi_i said:

I tried that's all I can say, I dont really have much motivation to make more so unfortunately dont expect much, my punctuation and ideas are just not great anyways, I've always sucked at English, thanks for telling me 

Actually, your idea was really good.  Your punctuation was not hard to follow at all.  What I am talking about it less grammar oriented, and more detail oriented.  It's up to you, but I feel like you could really make something that would involve your audience a bit more if you took a step back, looked at the story again, and tried to proof read it as though you don't know what the characters are about or what is going on, until it unfolds in the story.  If nothing else, maybe get someone to proofread your ideas for you.

I know for an erotic story, that might be harder to do, but what you could do, is write out certain smaller scenes to show someone that you wouldn't mind reading that scene.  Then later, you can go back and add in the erotic stuff that you wanted after you have the scene set.

 

I really hate to think that you were discouraged or don't want to try this again.  You really have a good ideaYou don't have that many grammar problems with this story.  I just feel hungry to see a bit more of your world you are trying to create around your characters and get an insight into their minds and motivations.

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  • 2 years later...

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