Jump to content
Existing user? Sign In

Sign In



Sign Up

The World Has Turned and Left Us Here


Recommended Posts

Been lurking for as long as I can remember and decided to get around to writing a short little story. Never really written one of these before, so lemme know what you think. I'm still figuring out the formatting, so some stuff might be a little wonky.

- - -

“You okay down there?”

 

Saiga set her rickety machine gun down beside her. She inched closer to the newly-made hole in the floor, put her hands against her knees, leaned forward and stared down into the pit. She could see nothing but black.

“Pinkerton?”

She knelt down, picked up a pebble and held it up to the setting sun. It barely managed to cover it and orange-red light threatened to spill over the rounded stone. It's probably small enough she thought as she tossed it into the pit. It bounced around in the dark with several quiet clicks before falling silent.

“You didn’t seriously die on me, did you?”

There was a quiet cough from down below.

 

“Please stop calling me that!” cried the voice from the bottom of the hole. “...But I’m okay. This hole isn’t deep, it’s just-” the voice was cut off by another series of coughs. “It’s just really dusty down here. The fact that I can’t see a thing isn’t helping all too much either.”

“Do you want me to throw down a light?” Saiga dug through the olive synthweave webbing on her chest and pulled out a cherry-red flare. “I’ve got like… twenty of these flares we found on that loser I rolled back in Wei’s territory.”

 

“That won’t be necessary, but thank you for-”

“That hole looks kinda dark, Pink, I should probably throw in another one just to make sure,” she remarked as she pulled out another flare.

Nervous laughter could be heard from the pit. “No really, it’s fine! I think my eyes have adjusted to the-”

 

Saiga shook her head and crammed the flares back into the webbing. “You’re right. You know what we need?” she asked as she pulled out a coil of cable from her rucksack and began measuring out a length of it. “One of them brush grenades. Y’know, the kind that turns red-hot and throws around sparks n’ shit.”

“Saiga, you’re freaking me out!”

She laughed, a distinctly high-pitched and cheerful sound. A sound that betrayed her usual rough-and-tumble demeanor.  “I’m just playing with you, Pink! I’ll have you out in a sec, just grab onto the rope when you see it,” she chirped as she began lowering the cable into the pit.

 

“But I can’t see…”

“You’ll do fine.”

 She continued to lower the cable foot-by-foot until she felt it come in contact with something on the other end.

“End of the line, have you got the rope?”

 

The sound of fumbling and rocks tumbling echoed up from the hole as Pinkerton fumbled around blindly for the dangling cable. Down at the bottom, she found herself sitting atop what felt like wood and stone debris. She could see Saiga’s silhouette peeking her head over the hole above her. Shakily, she stood up, dusted off her shorts, and checked the blue metal-framed rucksack strapped to her back, feeling each of the little compartments to make sure everything was in order. It felt okay, but then again, she was completely blind.

 

If Saiga fell down here, we’d have to spend hours just picking up all the bullets and bombs that’d come tumbling out of her bags. How does she even carry all of that anyway? It’s ridiculous! She thought as she swayed under the weight of her own considerably lighter bag. Once she had righted herself, she clumsily continued to feel around for the cable. She swiped at the darkness, though her hands met only air. She tried it one, twice, thrice, but each time she only brought back a clenched fist filled with dust and disappointment. Through clenched teeth, she grunted softly and stamped her foot against the debris below, nearly causing her to lose her footing.

 

“Everything okay?”

 

“I’m fine!”

 

She took a deep breath and tried again. She outstretched her arm in front of her and felt around when -- something brushed against her fingers! Without skipping a beat, she grabbed hold of it and was more than pleased to find that she had her fingers wrapped around the cable.

“I’ve got it!” she yelled up to Saiga after tugging on the rope twice. “What do I do now?”

 

“Hold on tight!” was the only reply. Saiga looked around for something to loop the rope around. They were holed up in what looked like stone ruins of a forgotten manor, left to weather away in an endless field of sunflowers. To her left was a stairway leading to nowhere and to her right was the entryway, in which four ivy-covered columns stood without a roof. She took the remaining coiled cable and gave the length some slack as she walked over to the columns and ran it across its pale weathered surface. If one closed an eye and looked at it from afar, the setup vaguely resembled a sloppy sideways pulley that’d been put together by a child. Feet planted firmly and rope held tight between her gloved hands, she gritted her teeth and began trudging back towards the pit, pulling Pinkerton out at the same time. The column, despite cracking ominously, held up. Soon enough, Saiga could see the top of Pinkerton’s head, her long black hair stained gray from caked-on cobwebs and dust. With a few more tugs, she was back on solid ground no worse for wear.

 

“You got a little bit of something on your-” Saiga gestured to her hair, “...everywhere, actually.”

“I think it got in my mouth,” she said, wrinkling her face as she tasted the bitter grit.

Saiga immediately reached for her aluminum canteen hanging from her belt, unhooked it, and passed to her, nearly thrusting it into her arms with eagerness. “You can wash it out with this.”

She unscrewed the cap and drank greedily from it. Walking ten miles through hills and fields with the hot sun burning above would leave anyone feeling like raisen. 

Then she noticed the taste. Her eyes went wide as an overwhelming bitterness overcame her senses.

 

“Oh, I almost forgot!” Saiga chimed in as she put her hand over Pinkerton’s mouth, stopping her from even thinking about spitting it back out. “That’s not water. Remember that black stuff that guy was boiling outside of the village the night before we left?”

“Mmmmm!” cried Pinkerton with her mouth full of poison.

“So I bottled some of it and had a few sips. Guess what? It gives you so much energy, like unbelievable amounts of energy. It tastes terrible, but now that I think about it, it’s what you need right now.”

“Nnnmmmm!” Pinkerton had shut her eyes in agony. Why did I hire you?! She found herself thinking over and over again as the sheer bitterness began to cloud her mind over.

“Besides, we’re…” she looked over her shoulder at the sunflower fields behind them, then back to Pinkerton “...pretty far from the village. It would be silly to waste anything this far out.

Bitter tears had begun to well up in the corners of her eyes.

 

“Just swallow the rest of that and I’ll let you go,” she responded, taking the canteen from Pinkerton with her other hand. With much hesitation, she bit the bullet and swallowed the lot, shuddering all the while.

 

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Saiga asks as she holds up her end of the bargain and let her client go. Upon being freed, Pinkerton immediately hunched over and started coughing up a storm as Saiga left her to go and gather the cable.

“Why do you keep messing with me?” she asked as the coughing fit died down.

Saiga looped back around the column and came back with an armful of cable, “What do you mean?”

“The fire threats, holding my mouth shut -- and the name thing! You keep calling me Pinkerton! That’s not even close to my name, it’s Julia, my name is Julia!”

Saiga stopped gathering cable, sidled up to ‘Julia’, and put her arm around her shoulders. “I know you’re new here, but this place is harsh. You asked me to be your bodyguard, so that’s what I’m doing!”

“By putting me in constant danger…?” whispered Julia.

“By making you stronger. You’ll be thanking me by the time we make it to the Towers.”

“Well what about the name thing? I’d really appreciate it if you… called me by my real name,” Julia said as she slid her glasses up and wiped a tear from her eye.

 

The topic brought a smile to Saiga’s face, much to the chagrin of Julia. “I give all my clients names, it just makes it easier for me. You should be happy, you’ve got the best one so far!”

 

“Well… what were the others?”

Saiga tapped her chin, “So far I’ve had a Blue and a Green.”

“I’d rather be Blue than… Pinkerton.”

“Pink, everyone knows that Pinketon is the best of the lot,” Saiga replied, suppressing a chuckle.

“What does that even mean?”

“When we stop by my place, I’ll show you.”

 

Julia stared at Saiga expectantly, thinking there was more to conversation than just that, but Saiga had nothing more to say and went back to coiling up cable. Julia in the meantime walked over to the entrance of the ruin, this time taking extra care to avoid any loose-looking stones in the floor. She sat down on the terraced stone patio, in between two of the four lonely-looking pillars. Loosening the straps, she wiggled out of her rucksack and let it fall behind her. With that load off her shoulders, she finally took the time to dust herself off properly. While she worked, she watched as the sun was swallowed up by the sunflower field before her and sky gave way to reveal a blanket of stars. Once she’d finished up, she leaned back against her rucksack and relaxed for what felt like the first time in days. She’d been laying there for awhile when she heard the sound of footsteps and rattling metal behind her.

“Hey Pink, look alive!”

She sat up and turned around to see Saiga approaching with her machine gun slung over her shoulder. 

“I poked around the ruins a little more. If you keep walking past the stairs, there’s a little nook that can’t be seen from the outside, I set up camp there. You’ve got first watch tonight, wake me up when it’s my go.” she said as she extended the gun’s bipod and set it down beside Julia.

 

Julia poked the side of the weapon, almost expecting it to bite her.

 

“You know how to use that, right?”

 

“Of course,” she shot back. She was lying through her teeth, she was terrified by the prospect of even having to look at that machine. Saiga nodded as she dug through her webbing and pulled out a curved slate-gray magazine and set it down beside her gun. 

 

“I don’t think you’ll need it, but better safe than sorry, right? Take care of my gun, I’ll see you in a few hours,” Saiga said, finishing her sentence with a yawn. She gracefully spun around on a heel, and walked over to her nest and out of view, leaving Julia alone on the terrace. Julia laid down on her stomach facing the field, shouldered the machine gun, and began her watch.

 

Twenty minutes in, she realized that Saiga definitely wasn’t lying about the black liquid’s effect. Despite the hardships of the day’s journey, she felt great. I could keep this up all night! She thought to herself as she idly pressed her legs together. Though there might be side effects she didn’t bother to inform me about. It struck her that in the past eight hours, she hadn’t stopped once to relieve herself. This was partially because she hadn’t been drinking much, but more importantly, she hated having to squat down in the bushes knowing that Saiga was probably watching from the distance with some smart comment to make. She does it too, but it’s different with her. Sometimes she just ‘goes’ standing upright. How am I supposed to respond to that?!

 

Julia’s pale cheeks flushed as she thought back to such incidents. She wasn’t the prim and proper type herself, but she felt like Saiga took it too far. With quiet sigh, she tried to push the thoughts out of her head, but the intrusive thoughts were too powerful and flooded her thoughts one after another.

 

Hold up a sec Pink, I -really- gotta piss, whispered imaginary Saiga as she unabashedly began to unzip her olive trousers and spread her legs.

 

Julia shut her eyes as tight as they’d go, but it wasn’t any good. She could already hear the sound of liquid trickling onto the ground as it faded back into memory.

 

Aaaah~! You know, the first time I tried this, I ended up having to waddle back home with piss running down my legs. It’s not hard once you figure it out though! Imaginary Saiga said while gently swaying her hips, spraying her golden stream every which way. Check it, I’m writing my name!

 

I just can’t stand it! It’s so gross, why does she get to be so… comfortable about it? Julia lamented as she snapped back to reality. She pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to force herself to focus back on the field, but it was no use. All of a sudden she found that she couldn’t concentrate to save her life, and the ever-present feeling of growing fullness in her bladder wasn’t doing her any favors. She knew exactly what was going to happen, but she was going to try her damndest to put it off for as long as possible. Fidgeting and squirming, she refused to leave her post atop the terrace. She looked down the sights of Saiga’s machine gun and picked a spot on the field to focus on.

 

This kept her mind off her needs. For a moment, the urge vanished entirely and Julia thought she was in the clear. She listened to the gentle whistle of the breeze and the chirping of crickets all around her. Maybe she’d be okay after all? In the corner of her eye however, she saw the weapon’s ironsights shake. 

 

That’s peculiar... is it supposed to be doing that? She thought as she looked down at it, expecting to find a cheeky-looking Saiga rattling it from just out of sight. Julia’s trembling had gotten so bad, even her hands were shaking. There was no putting it off, she had to, in her own words, “excuse herself for a moment”. She stood up, and was surprised by how much harder it was to hold it in standing up. With the timidity of a mouse, she let out a whisper of a gasp, thrust her hand between her legs, and pressed her knees together as she held on for dear life. To Julia, it felt like she was fighting a battle, but anyone watching would have seen a young woman’s embarrassing rendition of the potty dance. Without another thought, she stiffly waddled over to the edge of the terrace’s steps and fumbled with with button to her faded denim shorts. The second she felt it release, she hooked her thumbs into the waistband of her shorts and panties, pulled them down in a single motion and squatted down right there on the spot.  Without even the slightest input from her, Julia’s bladder released. She blushed furiously as her powerful stream sprayed against the steps below her, forming a sizable puddle and continued to flow down the terrace like a small citrine waterfall.

 

Julia clasped a hand over her mouth as she exhaled in relief while hot urine continued to pour out of her. Aah! I need to be less noisy, or else Saiga might hear! she thought as she looked over her shoulder at Saiga’s little corner behind the stairs. She was relieved to see nothing suspicious from that end of the ruin, but was less relieved at the sight waiting for her as she looked forward at the sunflower field. A dozen silhouettes stood about thirty meters away from the steps of the terrace, waiting and watching. She froze up, though her bladder showed no such mercy. One of the figures appeared to take something off of a sling on his back, and leveled it at the ruin. In an instant, an arrow struck the step just beneath Julia, bounced off, and rattled down the terrace. They were under attack!

 

“S-Saiga!”

 

Julia sprang to her feet and pulled up her underwear and shorts. She felt the front of her shorts grow warm and damp as her body continued to release. She managed to stop the flow, but the damage was already done. She couldn’t see it in the dark, but she was sure there was a visible wet patch on her shorts. Don’t worry about it now, just get the gun! Another arrow whizzed past her as she scooped Saiga’s gun up in her arms, nearly buckling under its surprising weight, aimed it at the rapidly approaching figures and squeezed the trigger. There was a shower of sparks and a deafening series of explosions as Julia fired off a burst at her attackers. One by one, silhouettes disappeared into the sunflowers as they all dove for cover. Julia squeezed the trigger again, firing blindly into the field below. This time, however, she forgot to pull her finger off the trigger, and the recoil was too much for her. She fell backwards onto the cold stone floor, wincing slightly as her wet panties were forced against her. Now on her hands and knees, she scrambled for the machine gun as the figures from below began emerging from their floral hiding sports and stormed the terrace. 

 

She peeked over the edge of the stairs and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw one of the figures was almost upon her. Now that they were face to face, Julia could see the true nature of the attack. The man before her was a well-built looking man dressed in roughspun tunic and trousers, and was holding a wickedly-sharp sword high over his head. Upon his left shoulder was a single beaten pauldron riveted to a second piece of metal that just about covered his heart. The whole setup was held together by a series of belts, and confirmed Julia’s worst fears.

That armor -- these are Wei men!

She closed her eyes as she sprayed him down with a hail of bullets. When she opened them, she could see a cloud of gunsmoke and the curled form of the man at the foot of the terrace, cursing and clutching his leg as blood began to seep into the leg of his trousers. But as he fell, another three bandits rushed the terrace and began making the climb. Their curved blades glistened in the moonlight as they each held them high and prepared to strike her.

She felt her heart skip a beat.

Saiga!

Her legs quivered. She pulled the trigger once more, firing off a burst that cut down the left two bandits, but by the time she leveled the barrel towards the third, the weapon clicked empty.

Saiga help!

The machine gun, still red-hot and smoking, clattered as it fell from her now-limp fingers onto the floor. She tried to turn and run to Saiga’s nest, but in the blink of an eye, the bandit had already climbed the steps, ran up to her and struck her in the stomach with the pommel of her blade knocking Julia flat on her back. The bandit stood over her, blade raised and poised to strike. Paralyzed with fear, Julia barely even felt it as her bladder involuntarily released the rest of its contents. Julia trembled in a growing puddle of her own urine as a quiet hiss filled the air. Even in the dead of night, anyone could tell that she’d pissed herself from massive stain soaking into her shorts. 

 

“Saiga…” she choked out. Tears welled up in her eyes and ran freely down her cheeks.

The bandit wavered. “Fuck, are you pissing yourself? Really? You can’t keep watch, you can’t aim, and you can’t even die properly…” The bandit sighed and scratched the back of her head. “...plus you’re starting to make me feel bad.”

Another Wei bandit ran up from the terrace and approached the pair. “Ryan’s out, and Switch n’ Mantis got hit. Did you take care of the gunner?” he asked as he slowly looked down at Julia. “Uh… I guess you did.”

“Tycho, go tell the others to move in and sweep through this place, we know there’s at least one more hiding around here somewhere.”

“Sure thing, I--”

Before Tycho could finish speaking, a deafening shot rang out. Tycho dropped like a sack of potatoes and tumbled back down the terrace.

 

The female bandit spun around when a second shot caught her square in the shoulder. She stumbled forward a few steps and collapsed next to Julia. Out from the shadows came Saiga, wielding an stubby-looking revolver no bigger than the palm of Julia’s hand.

“Saiga!” Julia yelled as Saiga picked her up like she weighed nothing, slung her over her shoulder, and carried her back towards the nest.

“They were everywhere, there was nothing I could do,” she whimpered. She tried to steel herself so she could appear strong in front of Saiga, but there was no salvaging her appearance at this point.

“Don’t worry, Pink. Just let me take care of this. I’m your bodyguard, remember?” Saiga passed the stone staircase and ducked into a low stone archway that lead to a small hallway. At the very end of the hall was a small alcove just big enough for three people and a campfire. It was one of the few parts of the ruin that still had a roof, and there stood their campsite -- a small tent and a pile of Saiga’s belongings. “Alright, let’s have a look at you,” Saiga said as she set Julia down in the hallway, propped her up against a mossy wall, and knelt down beside her. “Wait a sec, you’re bleeding pretty badly,” Saiga said as she checked her over for wounds.

“I’m not bleeding,” Julia whispered as she lowered her head.

“It’s soaking into your shorts, we need to get these off,” Saiga said as she began reaching down to remove them.”

 

“That’s… not blood.”

 

“What do you -- oh,” Saiga said as stopped reaching and began to realize what had happened. She flashed Julia a sympathetic smile and laid her hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. Hell, I’m the best and it’s happened to me a few times. You’re not hurt, and that’s all that matters.” Saiga stood back up and snapped open the cylinder of her revolver. “I think I can hear some of them creeping around, I’m gonna go have a look.”

“Wait.”

“What’s up?”

“I uh…” Julia paused and cleared the shakiness from her voice. “I’m coming with you.”

“Alright, but stay behind me. Can’t have you getting hit.

The two crept up to the archway and prepared to spring out when Julia’s ears picked up on something peculiar.

 

Nothing.

 

The crickets had gone silent along with the wind. An eerie stillness came over the ruin. No scuffling, no shouts, no gunfire, just… silence.

Julia tugged on the back of Saiga’s tank-top. “Hey, do you hear that?”

“Not really, no.”

“Exactly, everything’s gone quiet. Something’s wrong.”

Saiga stopped speaking and cupped her hand over her ear. “You’re right. What do you think’s going on out there?”

“Let’s… have a look.”

 

They took up their previous position, and slowly peeked their heads out towards the front of the ruin. A heavy mist had begun to settle, and they could only see as far as the columns. Saiga took a few tentative steps out from their hiding spot and raised her revolver. She was ready to shoot anything that moved. Julia followed close behind as they headed for the terrace. 

 

Julia knew something was wrong when she saw that the bodies of the bandits had disappeared.

“Didn’t you shoot two of them right here?”

“Hold up, someone’s coming,” Saiga said as she leveled her gun at the empty space between the columns. The frantic footfalls could be heard getting closer and closer, when suddenly out of the mist, sprang the female bandit from before. Her face bore a large horizontal scratch right across her nose, her clothing had been torn to ribbons, her sword was nowhere to be found, and her heart-protector had a single large dent in it. In short, she had seen better days. Saiga was about to add  a second dent when the bandit stumbled forward and fell to her knees.

“Please,” she pleaded, “don’t let them take me.”

“What?” Julia asked, when she heard it.

 

A light and shrill sound, like glass cracking before the break.

Another figure emerged.

It’s skin was black as night, and contrasted with the pale mist.

It looked like two gigantic hands, fused at the wrist. 

 

In the center of the “wrists”, there was a thin striated trunk that stretched high up into the mists, which obscured the rest of this monstrosity. Julia shivered as she wondered what this thing could even be attached to. Its jointed fingers were impossibly long, and improbably thin, looking like they could snap at any moment. It lumbered towards them, and with each step brought the sound of splintering glass. Saiga, quick on the draw, let off two rounds at it, stopping it dead in its tracks.

Then dozens more poured out from the mist.

The cacophony was indescribable.

 

The bandit made the mistake of turning around. Her face froze in a soundless scream. The seat of her trousers tented as she began voiding her bowels in terror. Julia, locked in place, watched as the tent grew into a sizable discolored bulge as the bandit helplessly messed herself. Dark streaks ran down the back of her shaking legs and collected in a steaming puddle beneath her as her body completely betrayed her. Julia felt her own bladder quiver, and was slightly thankful that she had already gone and got it over with. The monstrosities were nearly upon them when Saiga sprang into action, with one hand, she grabbed the back of the bandit’s collar and grabbed Julia’s hand with the other. She dragged the two of them away from the terrace and back into the main room where it all began. She quickly scanned the room. The stairs to nowhere was a death sentence, and their campsite was all but compromised. That left only one place to go. The bandit yelped as Saiga slung her into the pit. With Julia in tow and the monstrosities closing in, Saiga didn’t think twice as she pulled her client close and plunged down after the bandit.

 

They could hear glass shattering all above them as they laid low in the depths of the earth. What -were- those things?! What if they find us? What do we do? Julia couldn’t help but let her mind race. Her breathing quickened and she began to tremble. Suddenly, she felt someone put their arm around her and hold her tight.

 

“Don’t worry, we’re safe down here.” It was Saiga’s voice. She could be loud and messy sometimes, but she was reliable -- and good at her job. She relaxed against Saiga’s arm and waited. The trio waited there in the hole beneath the ruins. The smell of two accidents in such an enclosed space was unpleasant, but was far preferable to the fresh air on the surface -- considering the circumstances. Hours passed, and the shattering began to fade away with the wind. By then, the three of them drifted off to sleep. 

 

Saiga woke up to the bright morning sun shining down on her face. She sat up and shook the other two awake.

 

“Rise and shine, looks like we survived.”

 

The bandit awoke with a start, and wormed her way away from the group. Julia groggily rose up and eyed the bandit cautiously. Gradually, the bandit began to remember the events of the previous night, and once she realized that it wasn’t all a terrible nightmare, she began to blush heavily. She sat up and winced as she felt her mess squish against her. Yep, she definitely messed herself in front of her would-be mugging victims. Saiga stood up, walked over to the bandit and tapped her on the shoulder.

 

“You look strong enough. Give me a boost, I’ll pull you and Pinkerton up from the top.”

 

The bandit wasn’t really in a position to refuse, and did as she was told: helping Saiga out of the hole by acting as a human step stool. Now that the sun was finally overhead, Saiga could finally see the bottom of the pit, which as it turned out, was not so deep after all. She outstretched her muscled arm and helped Julia, then the bandit out of the pit. Julia stretched her arms out, and looked over to the terrace. The mist had since cleared, and with it the monsters, but she noticed something extremely strange. She walked out past the columns to make sure she wasn’t just imagining things, but her eyes did not deceive her. Her rucksack and Saiga’s gun were still exactly where she’d left it, but the field was a different story. Every single sunflower in the field had vanished, leaving dry brown grass as far as the eye could see. Julia rubbed her eyes and looked again -- no change.

 

This planet is going to be the death of me.

 

Link to comment

It would be weird for me to welcome you as you say you've lurked for a long time, but that is a hell of an entrance! When you say you've "never written one of these before" I assume you mean an omo fic? Because your writing has no small measure of finesse to it, and the setting is both grounded and highly imaginative, no small feat. Granted the peeing and scat stuff is a little bit shoehorned in (while getting shot at, concern for that would probably be in a comfortable last place) but I know I'm already a fan. <33

And it also seems you know your way around a gun or two, so I got a kick out of the irony that someone named Saiga wasn't carrying a shotgun instead. 😉

Edited by AliasnameTO (see edit history)
Link to comment
23 hours ago, AliasnameTO said:

It would be weird for me to welcome you as you say you've lurked for a long time, but that is a hell of an entrance! When you say you've "never written one of these before" I assume you mean an omo fic? Because your writing has no small measure of finesse to it, and the setting is both grounded and highly imaginative, no small feat. Granted the peeing and scat stuff is a little bit shoehorned in (while getting shot at, concern for that would probably be in a comfortable last place) but I know I'm already a fan. <33

And it also seems you know your way around a gun or two, so I got a kick out of the irony that someone named Saiga wasn't carrying a shotgun instead. 😉

Hey, thanks! And yes, up until this point, I've never written an omo-fic. Do you have any advice for making the omo seem less shoehorned in? I'm always open to new tricks and techniques.

2 hours ago, DsGSilver said:

I loved that whole story from start to finish, excellent work! There's been something of a drought of good messing/fear content, so this is a welcome sight.

Also, I dig the SHODAN profile pic.

Funny story, you're one of the main reasons I decided to write this as your stories are some of my favorites. It means a lot to hear you say that.

And yeah, SHODAN is fantastic in general. I've always loved the rampant AI with no restrictions trope.

 

 

Thanks to Barry and Melificent for your kind words as well! I'd quote you but this post is a formatting hellzone already. I've only got one shot at making a readable post, since my posts take time to process as an introductory member.

Link to comment
10 hours ago, VVintermute said:

Hey, thanks! And yes, up until this point, I've never written an omo-fic. Do you have any advice for making the omo seem less shoehorned in? I'm always open to new tricks and techniques.

The only way I've thought of so far to have the omo content fit in better is to actually make that the main issue. Your story has more pressing things going on when it happens, so it doesn't really deserve more than a passing comment. But if I had to write a scene that included both battle and wetting, I'd resolve the fight first, and then in the following peace, go into detail about the wetting as the character recalls what happened. Maybe have Saiga think it's blood at first like you already did, maybe freaking Julia out thinking she'd been shot. But once Saiga notices it smells  like pee, all the recent memories come flooding (ha!) back to her. Then in a flashback of sorts you could go through it in more detail.

But that's all super-specific. My main suggestion would be not to overshadow the severity of a toilet accident with life-or-death danger. 😛

Edited by AliasnameTO (see edit history)
Link to comment
14 hours ago, VVintermute said:

Funny story, you're one of the main reasons I decided to write this as your stories are some of my favorites. It means a lot to hear you say that.

That's awesome to hear! I hope you keep writing, I'm looking forward to seeing more.

Also, as for omo being shoehorned in, I wouldn't worry too much about it. The scenes in this made sense, and the only real omo component was that you took an extra second to describe them, which is only natural for an omo fic. But, if you are going for realism, AliasnameTO has some solid advice; keep it as off-handed comments until it would reasonable for a character to notice it. Like they said, the fight ends, and once things have calmed down, someone realizes they had wet/soiled themselves.

I'd say try both and see which one you think matches your personal style more.

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...