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Finally told my girlfriend. What now? Any experience?


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Hey everyone. 😊

This is probably going to be kind of a long post. Sorry about that, and if you do decide to read it, you're awesome, thank you so much.

As you can probably guess I'm into omo. Why else would I be here. 😉 I'm pretty softcore, some holding and wetting mainly for cuteness is mostly what I go for. But this I am very much into, and have been all my life.

So, after 8 years of our happy relationship I FINALLY managed to work up the courage to tell my girlfriend about my omo side today. It took me incredibly long and it was really hard for me to do. But I realized I never want to leave her. And I felt like there shouldn't be a secret like that between us. I needed her to accept that there was a part of me she didn't know, and maybe didn't understand.

So I managed to tell her about it. Describe to her what it is and what I like about it. To my immediate relief, she accepted it. Completely. It didn't change her feelings for me in any way. She also said that she didn't really think she could ever try it though. I had expected that. My whole goal of this talk was to have her accept me as the person that I am, and never to get her to try it with me. If someone doesn't like something, there's no changing that. Just as well as she couldn't ever get me to stop liking omo. I've already tried to just forget about it in the past. Didn't work. It's not going away.

But, as rational as these thoughts were I have to admit the realization that this means that I will never at least try something omo still hit me way harder than I expected. So much that I honestly really wish my omo kink would just go away. It would make things so much easier. Leaving her is out of the question. I love her with all my heart, she is the warmest, most wonderful person I've ever met in the good 30 years I've been around on this planet. But I am scared of feeling like I long for it, like I miss it almost as one would miss someone dear to them. Which is dumb, really. It's just a kink. And mostly it doesn't bother me all that much. But sometimes it feels like... I don't know, imagine being a kid and dreaming about one day visiting some far away country that fascinates you so, so much. And then you realize that you will never ever visit this country, it's just not what life has planned out for you. I know this is fucking irrational, and I hate thinking that way, so I'm really surprised about how much harder this was for me than I first thought.

So do any of you have any ideas on how to deal with this? Maybe some people also have non-omo partners? Is it as irrational as I keep telling myself it is? It's usually enough to just enjoy it by oneself, right?

No matter if you have or had non-omo partners or not, or maybe if you've ever considered telling your partner, if you have any opinions on this, please share them here or as a DM if you'd prefer that, I'd really love some input for discussion.

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
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For me, my omo kink is not that big a part of me. I decided it was better to marry the right woman, even if she wasn’t into omo, than the wrong woman just because of a shared fetish. 

So now I am happy to satisfy my fetish on places like this, and indulge in occasional solitary wetting, whilst enjoying a normal sex life with my wife. 

I hope you can similarly reconcile yourself to your situation and find a way to enjoy life with your chosen one whilst finding a harmless outlet for your kink. 

It gets better with age, as you find a way to make peace with the choices you have made and the situation which life has put you in. 

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Thank you, WetDave. I'm really liking your Input. 🙂

Yes, I'm thinking the exact same thing. It is just a kink. It shouldn't be anything more than a kink. I know she's perfect for me. And that's exactly why I was so shocked that this hit me so much harder than I thought it would. But I'm optimistic that for me it can become like it is for you. And yes, you're totally right. I would much rather marry the right one, then marry the wrong one for a shared fetish. So well said. 🙂

Any other experiences or opinions? 😊

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I can actually provide some insight into this as well. Firstly, I agree with Dave, hands down. I am in a similar situation. I have a wife who is not interested in this side of me however, she does not begrudge me coming to this site or even watching pornography related to this fetish. I think as long as your girlfriend is okay with you being you and allows you the freedom to explore this private item to yourself then there is really no issue. You keep this to yourself and joke about it from time to time. She may never come around to it but that is her right.

 

TLDR; As long as they don't try and stop you from being you then it should be fine.

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First of all: Kudos for telling your girlfriend, very brave!

I think that having different sexual preferences than your partner is something that a lot of relationships have to deal with, even without the omo aspect. We all like different stuff and while it's great to share a kink or sexual fantasy with your partner, it doesn't always match. Actually I don't think many relationships have a „perfect match“ regarding sex. It's often a compromise and of course sex is only one aspect of a good, loving relationship – albeit an important one if you ask me.

Your girlfriend accepts and respects your omo fetish and that's good! She doesn't share it, but it seems like your sex life has been fine for 8 years despite that fact. So I understand you're not someone who absolutely needs omorashi to enjoy sex, right? Maybe that part of your sexuality will never be fulfilled in your current relationship – and that's a kind of sacrifice, no doubt – but isn't a monogamous relationship always a sacrifice? For me it definitely is: I'd love to sleep with a lot of different women in my life, but I love my wife even more, so I'm willing to pass on the former.

But you never know – give her some time and maybe one day she might become curious and try to understand what's that stuff that makes her boyfriend hot as hell! My wife surely wasn't into pee play when I told her about it – and I doubt she's really into it today – but she got curious, we tried a few things step by step, and nowadays she's positively amazed how I get going when she pisses on my dick. It still is not our everyday sex routine, but from time to time I get the „special treatment“ (actually I got it last night when we got home a little tipsy from a party 😊). She knows she's going to get fucked real hard if she pees for me, so she's willing to do it. She mostly does it for me though - and that's fine, since there's some other things that I do for her even though I don't care too much.

And even if your girlfriend never consents to try pee play or omorashi, you can still visit this forum to live out your fantasies, you can still get off on omo movies, no one takes that away from you. Yes, it's something you can enjoy just for yourself, I do it most the time. That's why I'm here.

I wish both of you to retain that great relationship, with or without omo. After you told her and she was cool with it, what could possibly go wrong? You definitely seem to trust each other and that's awesome!

PS: Does it have to be desperation and wetting for you? Or are you also into other kinds of pee play? I'm just asking because I feel that wetting your clothes is just less acceptable (than peeing naked) for people that are new to watersports. If you want to convince your girlfriend to try something new, you shouldn't set the bar too high for a start.

Edited by JensH2 (see edit history)
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If it makes you feel any better, I'll probably never have one, while I'd really like to experience someone tickling me into wetting myself without having to be embarrassed, or combining bondage with wetting, both of which I obviously can't do on my own. You can still fantasize about scenarios, that's how I satisfy my fetish, and at least you know she won't leave you for being into omo.

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2 hours ago, blueswag said:

I can actually provide some insight into this as well. Firstly, I agree with Dave, hands down. I am in a similar situation. I have a wife who is not interested in this side of me however, she does not begrudge me coming to this site or even watching pornography related to this fetish. I think as long as your girlfriend is okay with you being you and allows you the freedom to explore this private item to yourself then there is really no issue. You keep this to yourself and joke about it from time to time. She may never come around to it but that is her right.

 

TLDR; As long as they don't try and stop you from being you then it should be fine.

Thank you very much for your opnion on this! 😊

Yes, she's extremely forthcoming in that regard. She's totally okay with me watching the stuff that I like when I want to. To get a better picture of what I was talking about she even wanted to see a few examples of pictures or videos that I liked. She then reaffirmed that she's okay with me liking it, as it doesn't hurt anyone and she can now kind of see why I think it's cute, just that it probably wasn't her thing. And I agree, that is absolutely her right.

 

36 minutes ago, JensH2 said:

First of all: Kudos for telling your girlfriend, very brave!

I think that having different sexual preferences than your partner is something that a lot of relationships have to deal with, even without the omo aspect. We all like different stuff and while it's great to share a kink or sexual fantasy with your partner, it doesn't always match. Actually I don't think many relationships have a „perfect match“ regarding sex. It's often a compromise and of course sex is only one aspect of a good, loving relationship – albeit an important one if you ask me.

Your girlfriend accepts and respects your omo fetish and that's good! She doesn't share it, but it seems like your sex life has been fine for 8 years despite that fact. So I understand you're not someone who absolutely needs omorashi to enjoy sex, right? Maybe that part of your sexuality will never be fulfilled in your current relationship – and that's a kind of sacrifice, no doubt – but isn't a monogamous relationship always a sacrifice? For me it definitely is: I'd love to sleep with a lot of different women in my life, but I love my wife even more, so I'm willing to pass on the former.

But you never know – give her some time and maybe one day she might become curious and try to understand what's that stuff that makes her boyfriend hot as hell! My wife surely wasn't into pee play when I told her about it – and I doubt she's really into it today – but she got curious, we tried a few things step by step, and nowadays she's positively amazed how I get going when she pisses on my dick. It still is not our everyday sex routine, but from time to time I get the „special treatment“ (actually I got it last night when we got home a little tipsy from a party 😊). She knows she's going to get fucked real hard if she pees for me, so she's willing to do it. She mostly does it for me though - and that's fine, since there's some other things that I do for her even though I don't care too much.

And even if your girlfriend never consents to try pee play or omorashi, you can still visit this forum to live out your fantasies, you can still get off on omo movies, no one takes that away from you. Yes, it's something you can enjoy just for yourself, I do it most the time. That's why I'm here.

I wish both of you to retain that great relationship, with or without omo. After you told her and she was cool with it, what could possibly go wrong? You definitely seem to trust each other and that's awesome!

PS: Does it have to be desperation and wetting for you? Or are you also into other kinds of pee play? I'm just asking because I feel that wetting your clothes is just less acceptable (than peeing naked) for people that are new to watersports. If you want to convince your girlfriend to try something new, you shouldn't set the bar too high for a start.

Thank you! 😊

Haha, true, there's most likely always a compromise to be made.

Yes, I do enjoy having just "normal" sex with her. We may have gotten a bit... used to each other? I think? We don't have sex as often anymore as we used to, and of course it's not the rush of endorphines it was when we were freshly and madly in love, but when we do have sex we can still thoroughly trust each other, embrace and enjoy each other.

I'm not sure if she'd ever feel ready to actually try something like that with me, but eh. Can't blame her for that. We'll see.

You're a lucky guy, your wife sounds amazing! It's really great that she's willing to do this for you. And since you seem to be doing stuff for her... It sounds like a really good deal! 😉

Thank you! Yes, we do trust and love each other very much. You're right, what could possibly go wrong? I like that! 😊

I'm mostly omorashi only. I don't *mind* pee play per se, but it's pretty much a "would be willing to try if s.o. wants it"- thing for me, and not really something I'd do out of my own volition. And to be honest, if I judge my girlfriend correctly I'd say peeing on me and getting me, herself and the bed dirty is something she'd be less likely to try, compared to wetting her panties in the tub for me. 😂

Thank you very much for your thorough reply and interesting experience with your wife! 🙂

8 minutes ago, The Dark Wolf said:

If it makes you feel any better, I'll probably never have one, while I'd really like to experience someone tickling me into wetting myself without having to be embarrassed, or combining bondage with wetting, both of which I obviously can't do on my own. You can still fantasize about scenarios, that's how I satisfy my fetish, and at least you know she won't leave you for being into omo.

True, that's something I definitely cherish and should never forget. Why would you think you'd never have one though? I'd say almost everyone has a chance to find a partner sooner or later in life, granting that they want one.

 

Thank you so much for your replies so far, everyone! You have no idea how much it helps me to just talk to you about this, and it's reassuring me that this really doesn't have to be a problem at all. Also, I loved to read your experiences (is this the right word? I'm not a native speaker) about this, really interesting! 😊

 

((By the way, I'd really love to upvote everyone's replies, but I can't spread any more reputation today. 😂 ))

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
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2 hours ago, mad the cat said:

Why would you think you'd never have one though? I'd say almost everyone has a chance to find a partner sooner or later in life, granting that they want one.

I'm way too fetish-shy to go looking for one, or to tell a girlfriend I'd get through regular means (which I haven't yet), let alone wet in front of her or ask for her help in playing out two of my fantasies.

Plus, I don't know anywhere we could do that that wouldn't be too hard to clean up for when anyone else comes over. Carpets are out of the question, not sure what would happen with floors it would be a puddle on, bathtub might not be enough room, and outside runs the risk of being seen by someone else.

Edited by The Dark Wolf (see edit history)
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16 hours ago, The Dark Wolf said:

I'm way too fetish-shy to go looking for one, or to tell a girlfriend I'd get through regular means (which I haven't yet), let alone wet in front of her or ask for her help in playing out two of my fantasies.

Plus, I don't know anywhere we could do that that wouldn't be too hard to clean up for when anyone else comes over. Carpets are out of the question, not sure what would happen with floors it would be a puddle on, bathtub might not be enough room, and outside runs the risk of being seen by someone else.

Well, of course it always depends on how "special" your fetishes are, but there are almost 7.7 billion people living on this planet. It's almost mathematically impossible that none of them clicks the same way. You just have to find out where to find them. 😉 So if that's your goal, you could try finding out how to find people who share your interests. I've been out of the picture for 8 years, so I'm not the best source of information on how to meet people for possible dating, but I'm pretty sure there's websites that let you specifically search for people who share your kinks. And concerning you being fetish-shy... I totally get that. This is something you have to find out for yourself. Is your wish to experience your fetishes with someone else stronger than your shyness? If not, you might be totally okay with just living it out by yourself from time to time. But if you think that you want to share it with someone at least once in your life, maybe start slow. Get an account on dating sites (preferably fetish sites), test the waters a bit. No need to contact anyone yet. Just browse for a bit. See how it goes.

Of course you may already have done this before, so this might as well just be really shitty advice. 😂

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
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Yeah, I'm all right just fantasizing or doing regular wettings. Again, I'd probably end up peeing voluntarily on the bondage thing anyway. The tickling would probably be fun, but my fetish-shyness is stronger than wanting to experience that. That being said, I don't know if I can give you any advice for dealing with all this. And I haven't done any of that before.

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6 hours ago, The Dark Wolf said:

Yeah, I'm all right just fantasizing or doing regular wettings. Again, I'd probably end up peeing voluntarily on the bondage thing anyway. The tickling would probably be fun, but my fetish-shyness is stronger than wanting to experience that. That being said, I don't know if I can give you any advice for dealing with all this. And I haven't done any of that before.

That's absolutely okay. You've got more than enough time to find yourself and find out if you ever really want to actively search for it. Also, it's totally fine if you can't really give any advice, because you don't have any experience with it. You've shared your opinion about it, and that's all I wanted, really. And I really appreciate your opinion.

 

In other news... And I'm not really sure if I'm comfortable sharing this on here anymore... I mean, for one thing this is pretty private stuff... and it also makes me feel a little... idiotic just rambling on about myself here... but it's just immensely helpful to get different opinions, and your opinions have been so wonderful... so... here goes.

We've had another pretty long talk tonight. She's worried that I'll be unhappy because she feels like she will probably never be able to give me this sort of experience. And like I said, I had expected that from her, so while that may be sad in a way, it's also something that is her absolute right and that I have to accept. She kind of said that she found it a little bit disgusting though... not me liking it, but the thought of doing it or being in contact with omo material like videos. And she also kind of wondered if maybe I'd someday spend more and more time with it... I think that's kind of how she put it... She still says she's absolutely okay with me doing it and will never say anything against it... but it got me a little bit worried that maybe she'll start projecting that disgust towards me, because I like it? Or start thinking that I'm putting way too much time and energy into it, like I'm losing my mind about it or something? So... as dumb as it may be, can I ask you for your opinion once more? 😅

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
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Just don't start spending less time with her. Let her know you won't let your love for omo and her inability to engage in it with you come between you.

And remember, on here you have the anonymity of your accounts here. I've mentioned my extreme fetish shyness, yet I've posted like a hundred fetish stories and (though this took a while for me to admit even here) said up front that I often wet myself for fun, and describing some of my holds on the Live Action Omorashi forum.

Edited by The Dark Wolf (see edit history)
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Yeah, sure. We've talked about that. I'm pretty sure she knows that that's a very unlikely scenario. But it still didn't feel good knowing she had pretty negative feelings about something I enjoy. And you're right. The anonymity does help. But still, this thread is getting just a little bit uncomfortable. 😂 If anyone still has any opions to share I'd of course still gladly hear them, but this is probably a question can't really be answered anyway, so otherwise I guess time will tell.

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On 3/2/2019 at 4:52 PM, mad the cat said:

We've had another pretty long talk tonight. She's worried that I'll be unhappy because she feels like she will probably never be able to give me this sort of experience. And like I said, I had expected that from her, so while that may be sad in a way, it's also something that is her absolute right and that I have to accept. She kind of said that she found it a little bit disgusting though... not me liking it, but the thought of doing it or being in contact with omo material like videos. And she also kind of wondered if maybe I'd someday spend more and more time with it... I think that's kind of how she put it... She still says she's absolutely okay with me doing it and will never say anything against it... but it got me a little bit worried that maybe she'll start projecting that disgust towards me, because I like it? Or start thinking that I'm putting way too much time and energy into it, like I'm losing my mind about it or something? So... as dumb as it may be, can I ask you for your opinion once more? 😅

Sounds like you've had a really lovely 20-something relationship and you should probably part ways. I know that sounds horrible, you can't contemplate life without her, etc., but you're not going to stop liking this, you're not going to stop feeling like you missed out on something by never ever doing this with a partner. Believe me, doing it with someone who is disgusted by it but just going along with it because they are afraid of losing you is not fun.

This is not to say that you should hold out for a fellow omo enthusiast. Just find somebody else who is kinky and happy to play.

Look, I know you're going to ignore this advice, because I was in the same place, multiple times, and other people can't make you see it's time to leave someone before you're ready to see it. But there are other people who are warm and wonderful and won't make you feel like a gross alien for having a fetish you can't help having.

Edit to add: since you're going to ignore my advice (it's ok, I get it), do this instead: ask her to do desperation play with you that doesn't involve wetting. Tell her it'll be like foreplay for you, and you can go pee before you start fooling around. See how it goes. If she's not game for that, then think about what that says about her attitude towards you.

Edited by kochel428 (see edit history)
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18 minutes ago, kochel428 said:

Sounds like you've had a really lovely 20-something relationship and you should probably part ways. I know that sounds horrible, you can't contemplate life without her, etc., but you're not going to stop liking this, you're not going to stop feeling like you missed out on something by never ever doing this with a partner. Believe me, doing it with someone who is disgusted by it but just going along with it because they are afraid of losing you is not fun.

This is not to say that you should hold out for a fellow omo enthusiast. Just find somebody else who is kinky and happy to play.

Look, I know you're going to ignore this advice, because I was in the same place, multiple times, and other people can't make you see it's time to leave someone before you're ready to see it. But there are other people who are warm and wonderful and won't make you feel like a gross alien for having a fetish you can't help having.

Oof. That's harsh. I really appreciate your honest opinion on this though. I'm pretty sure it's not like she thinks I'm gross for liking it. But I get what you mean. It does feel somewhat scary to know that she's grossed out by the thought of something I like. But then again, that's probaly not super unusual. Omo is a pretty specific and rare kink. I think there are a lot of people who might find this at least slightly off-putting.

And you're right, I probably won't be able to heed your advice right now. I still love her. And honestly, apart from me having a fetish that she might find somewhat gross, she's a really good fit for me. We share a lot of interests, so we usually find something to do. And since she's as much of a video game enthusiast as I am, so she's totally fine with me just playing games all night. This is something my ex's would never have allowed. 😂 We rarely even have to argue about anything and our opinions on politics and life in general are usually pretty similar. And also... I don't think I'm a bad looking guy. But I'd say she's still pretty much out of my league. 😂

You said you were in the same place? Would you tell me a little more about it? Like, how old were you when you broke up, and how long had you been dating?

Once more, even if this is not the advice I want to hear right now, I absolutely appreciate your honest opinion. Thank you very much for a somewhat different take on all this.

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
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I've been in two really long relationships—about 8 years each. While I was in them I convinced myself that they were perfect for me except for that one thing and that I could never leave. That one thing was different for both of them, and it was only after I was out of the relationships that I started to notice that those one things were also indicative of other issues.

You say you never fight. Well great, that means you two don't have the tools to resolve real problems when they come up. Are you able to explain to her how her reception of your fetish is making you feel? How does she respond when you do? How would she feel about you experimenting with your fetish with other people every once in a while? Is that something you feel able to ask for? Why did you feel so unable to mention your fetish that it took you 8 years to tell her? What about the way she approaches you made you scared to reveal your true self?

You both play video games all night long. I used to watch tons of TV with my ex. Turns out we were doing that because it was a default option to keep from having to discuss our issues. Any chance you're doing that too? Oh, I know, I was doing it because "I love TV." But also, it's amazing how little TV I watch now that I'm with someone I can actually interface with.

1 hour ago, mad the cat said:

I don't think I'm a bad looking guy. But I'd say she's still pretty much out of my league. 😂

I also just want to address this. Fear of leaving someone because you think you'll get stuck with someone less attractive is... not a great reason to stay with someone. This is both because being with someone who is slightly better looking than someone else is just not going to be a big factor in a long term relationship, and because the fear itself is not well founded. As a cis-het man, if you're not a jerk and have enough money to buy dinner, dating gets way easier in your 30s. It's totally unfair, but the fact is that you'll probably get to date women who are more attractive than your current girlfriend if you leave her. This is partly because (stereotype alert) men become more attractive as they get older and because (still unfair double standard) you'll be able to date women in their 20s and their 30s. There's just literally a larger pool of people to date now, for you.

Edited by kochel428 (see edit history)
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Also, a final disclaimer: my relationships are not your relationship, everybody's different, every relationship is different. It may be if you take some of my questions above seriously it will lead you to widening and deepening your relationship, by developing vocabulary and tools together that you didn't have before. In my experience it's hard to do that 8 years into a relationship. Each relationship I've had, I've "leveled up" as a communicator and partner.

All I'm trying to say is, explore these things I'm talking about, and don't make fear of ending the relationship a reason not to explore them. Change is good, whether that's growing inside a relationship, or ending a relationship so that you both can grow separately. If you can't work through this, ending the relationship will not be a failure, it'll be a success.

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2 hours ago, kochel428 said:

You say you never fight. Well great, that means you two don't have the tools to resolve real problems when they come up. Are you able to explain to her how her reception of your fetish is making you feel? How does she respond when you do? How would she feel about you experimenting with your fetish with other people every once in a while? Is that something you feel able to ask for? Why did you feel so unable to mention your fetish that it took you 8 years to tell her? What about the way she approaches you made you scared to reveal your true self?

Well, if we don't agree on something, we do tell each other. Sometimes we even fight about it. It just doesn't happen very often. I don't really think it's because we don't have the tools to resolve real problems, but that's probably what most people think, so I won't tell you this is absolutely untrue. But I still don't really think this is the case with me and my girlfriend.

Actually, yes. I did tell her how it made me feel. I told her that it is not a good feeling at all, and that it has me a bit scared. And she told me how she felt about it in detail as well. She doesn't condemn me or anything, but she just can't get into it. And that's scaring her as well, because she knows there's something she'll not be able to fulfill.

Yes, we also talked about experimenting with other people. Not much, because I already knew her opinion on this, but she briefly addressed it once more. She's sorry that she can't let me do that, but she just wouldn't be able to deal with it. And I get that. People get jealous. It's human nature. Can't change how she feels about it.

You're absolutely right, it did take me way too long to tell her. This is definitely something I'd try much earlier if I could turn back the time here. But to be honest, I was just too much of a coward to bring it up before.

2 hours ago, kochel428 said:

You both play video games all night long. I used to watch tons of TV with my ex. Turns out we were doing that because it was a default option to keep from having to discuss our issues. Any chance you're doing that too? Oh, I know, I was doing it because "I love TV." But also, it's amazing how little TV I watch now that I'm with someone I can actually interface with.

To turn this around, are you really watching this little TV because you don't want to watch TV, or because you feel compelled to spend the evening with your partner? 😉 It's like people saying "I actually like how my partner doesn't share my hobbies and views at all, that way I'm not doing the same thing all the time". In most cases it's a blatant lie they tell themselves to make them feel better about it.

I've been in both types of relationships. The ones where you actually try to avoid each other and the ones where you can't really enjoy an evening alone, because you feel like you have to be with them. I know this sounds stereotypical, but it is different with her. We can choose what we want to do every evening. Sometimes we spend it together, sometimes we don't and just do our own things. If you've ever had this kind of relationship before, you'll now how liberating that is.

2 hours ago, kochel428 said:

I also just want to address this. Fear of leaving someone because you think you'll get stuck with someone less attractive is... not a great reason to stay with someone. This is both because being with someone who is slightly better looking than someone else is just not going to be a big factor in a long term relationship, and because the fear itself is not well founded. As a cis-het man, if you're not a jerk and have enough money to buy dinner, dating gets way easier in your 30s. It's totally unfair, but the fact is that you'll probably get to date women who are more attractive than your current girlfriend if you leave her. This is partly because (stereotype alert) men become more attractive as they get older and because (still unfair double standard) you'll be able to date women in their 20s and their 30s. There's just literally a larger pool of people to date now, for you.

Oh my god, no, that's not how I meant that at all! 😂

Honestly, if we were to split up I wouldn't care at all if my new partner would look "better" or "worse" than my girlfriend now. It doesn't matter, as long as I love them and they love me.

And I don't agree with your views on women here either. I think you're making women look way too passive with that statement. I know you're deliberately exaggerating and playing with stereotypes to make a point, but I just don't agree. Also, becoming more attractive with age might be true for some men, but probably not necessarily for me. I can't really see it yet, but I do feel my hair getting thinner, and I'm also already not as fit as I used to be. But that's okay. I don't mind getting older.  And I'm actually one of those people who kind of need their partner to share a lot of their hobbies and views. I don't just date for the sake of dating. I know that's picky, but I'm not sure if I could be with a girl that hates videogames and doesn't like me playing them. Or never wants to travel (not very likely, I know), or is extremely right-wing and hates all foreigners. So no, I don't think the pool is getting larger. It may not have gotten smaller either, but I'm pretty sure it didn't get larger.

1 hour ago, kochel428 said:

Also, a final disclaimer: my relationships are not your relationship, everybody's different, every relationship is different. It may be if you take some of my questions above seriously it will lead you to widening and deepening your relationship, by developing vocabulary and tools together that you didn't have before. In my experience it's hard to do that 8 years into a relationship. Each relationship I've had, I've "leveled up" as a communicator and partner.

All I'm trying to say is, explore these things I'm talking about, and don't make fear of ending the relationship a reason not to explore them. Change is good, whether that's growing inside a relationship, or ending a relationship so that you both can grow separately. If you can't work through this, ending the relationship will not be a failure, it'll be a success.

Yes, I absolutely agree with you on that one. We'll grow either way, as long as we commit to the choice we make.

 

I hope you don't mind me going a bit against your statements here at times. I do value your opinion and enjoy discussing this with you very much, so if you'd like to share more of it, please do. I may not agree with you on everything you say, but you are giving me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate that. So thank you once more. 🙂

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
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41 minutes ago, mad the cat said:

I hope you don't mind me going a bit against your statements here at times. I do value your opinion and enjoy discussing this with you very much, so if you'd like to share more of it, please do. I may not agree with you on everything you say, but you are giving me a lot to think about, and I really appreciate that. So thank you once more. 🙂

Of course, I don't mind at all. And I'm not there, and even if I were, nobody knows what a relationship is like to be in if they're not in it.

43 minutes ago, mad the cat said:

I don't really think it's because we don't have the tools to resolve real problems, but that's probably what most people think, so I won't tell you this is absolutely untrue. But I still don't really think this is the case with me and my girlfriend.

Definitely not saying that not having the tools is causing you to not resolve conflicts. Rather the other way around—you aren't resolving conflicts, so you don't have practice doing it.

45 minutes ago, mad the cat said:

To turn this around, are you really watching this little TV because you don't want to watch TV, or because you feel compelled to spend the evening with your partner? 😉 It's like people saying "I actually like how my partner doesn't share my hobbies and views at all, that way I'm not doing the same thing all the time". In most cases it's a blatant lie they tell themselves to make them feel better about it.

My current girlfriend and I have a good mix of things we like to do together and things we like to do separately. It means we don't have trouble finding things to do, whether we're together or apart. I'm just pointing out that in my particular case, my last gf and I had unresolved issues, and we used passive activities like watching TV to avoid each other even while we lived together.

49 minutes ago, mad the cat said:

And I don't agree with your views on women here either. I think you're making women look way too passive with that statement.

Yes, every woman is an individual with agency and power, and deserves to be treated as such. Paradoxically, the fact that you know that and would treat women that way would, again, make your dating life really easy. The bar for men should be much, much higher, but it's not. This is not a good thing (the patriarchy is bad for women, and it's bad for men too). But as far as the specific concern about not being able to find someone else, I'm telling you that you would find someone else.

***

I think I've muddied the waters a bit by speculating about your circumstances. In the end there are two red flags for me:

  1. It took you 8 years to tell her about your fetish. That reluctance didn't come from nowhere, it came because on some level you didn't trust her with the info.
  2. She has said, pretty categorically it seems, that she'll never do this with you. A good, loving partner says, "I see this is important to you, let's figure out how we can meet this need for you, at least sometimes." They don't deny it to you forever and then worry to you that you'll pull away from them if you look at wetting porn. I know it's probably hard to see from your vantage point, but that looks to me like controlling behavior.

Anyway, as I said before, I know you won't take my advice, and it's certainly possible that I'm way off base. If you end up splitting up one day, you'll look back on this conversation and say "jeez, how could I not have seen it." If I'm wrong and you don't split up, you'll probably forget about this conversation entirely. Good luck! I hope I'm wrong!

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20 hours ago, kochel428 said:

I think I've muddied the waters a bit by speculating about your circumstances. In the end there are two red flags for me:

  1. It took you 8 years to tell her about your fetish. That reluctance didn't come from nowhere, it came because on some level you didn't trust her with the info.
  2. She has said, pretty categorically it seems, that she'll never do this with you. A good, loving partner says, "I see this is important to you, let's figure out how we can meet this need for you, at least sometimes." They don't deny it to you forever and then worry to you that you'll pull away from them if you look at wetting porn. I know it's probably hard to see from your vantage point, but that looks to me like controlling behavior.

Anyway, as I said before, I know you won't take my advice, and it's certainly possible that I'm way off base. If you end up splitting up one day, you'll look back on this conversation and say "jeez, how could I not have seen it." If I'm wrong and you don't split up, you'll probably forget about this conversation entirely. Good luck! I hope I'm wrong!

You're right, it is a red flag that it took me so long. I'm pretty sure that it just comes down to me being somewhat ashamed of it, but that's just my feeling, there's no way of telling if there's more to it or not.

Yes, she was reluctant to say it this firm at first, but in the end it was indeed a pretty categorical 'no'. I'm not sure if it's required to do something you hate to qualify as a loving partner, you've said yourself that you wouldn't wanna do anything your partner doesn't like, and knowing my girlfriend she probably didn't mean it as controlling behaviour, she's just the type of girl who'd indeed worry about me pulling away like that. But I do get what you mean. It's a little unsettling and kind of makes me worry if she just says she's okay with it because she knows she can't change how I feel about it, but actually isn't okay with it at all.

I still don't think this is a reason for us to go our seperate ways right now, when everything else is actually going really well, but your take on this has been really important to me and given me a lot to think about. I know I'm gonna repeat myself here, but thank you very much for discussing this in such detail with me.

Edited by mad the cat (see edit history)
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I don't mean for this to be an endless back and forth, but just one more thing:

54 minutes ago, mad the cat said:

I'm not sure if it's required to do something you hate to qualify as a loving partner

It's not! That's not the same as what I said, which was "let's figure out how to get this need met." That would mean finding versions of your fetish that she is ok with practicing (e.g., desperation without wetting, watching you do it, dirty talk, etc.). Or encouraging you to watch or read porn about it as a warm up to sex. Or encouraging you to chat with others who are into it, or do pee play with someone else (I recognize this sort of thing is fraught, it's just one possible example). Or hell, trying it once just to see whether it's actually something that bothers her as much as she thinks it will—it's not like it would do permanent damage.

It is definitely not what she did, which was say she would never do it, and then also worry aloud to you that you might get more into it if you watch pee porn on your own, which is a low key way of encouraging you not to do it, and not to get more into it.

Anyway, I've said my piece. Good luck to you, and to all my fellow fetishists facing the same dilemma.

Edited by kochel428 (see edit history)
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