Tell us your best joke!

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Everything’s made in China 

except babies 

 

they’re made in vaChina

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Two men are sitting at a bar when a woman walks up to them.

"What are you drinking?" she asks.

"It's magic beer," says one of the men. "You drink it and it makes you fly."

"You're pulling my leg," says the woman.

"Don't believe me? Just watch this."

The all go out onto the roof and the man jumps off. He falls for a second, but then soars into the air and does a couple of loops before landing.

"Wow, that's amazing!" says the woman. She goes to the bartender and says, "I'll have what he's having."

The woman drinks the beer, goes onto the roof and jumps off. Instead of flying, she drops like a stone. The second man turns to the first and says,

"You're a real dick when you're drunk, Superman."

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Guy: What kind of porn are you watching 

Other guy: I’m a scat man ski-bi-dibi doo dop do da bop 

 

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3 hours ago, Ghostblade913 said:

Guy: What kind of porn are you watching 

Other guy: I’m a scat man ski-bi-dibi doo dop do da bop 

 

I need an angry laugh emoji. 

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*Ahem* a joke made by Shakespeare 

the very first your mom joke

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Edited by Ghostblade913

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Three men were stranded on an island when they were captured by cannibals. The men begged to have their lives spared.
The cannibals agreed under some conditions. They had to go into the island jungle and retrieve 10 pieces of a fruit.
The first man came back with 10 apples. The cannibals said that if he could shove up all 10 apples into his ass without screaming, yelling, or making a sound, that they would agree to let him go. "Alright. One, two, thee, fooooahhhh!" The cannibals killed him and set him to cook.

The second man came back with a bundle of 10 grapes. They told him that if he could shove up all 10 grapes into his ass without screaming, yelling, or making a sound, that they would agree to let him go. "Alright. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, niiiaaaaaah!" The cannibals killed him and set him to cook. 
The first man saw the second coming up to him in the afterlife and he was confused. "You were almost done with the challenge to be set free. What happened?"
The second man replied, "I was laughing because I saw the third guy bringing back an armful of pineapples."

Edited by Slater

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Here's a terrible one. What is the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops after 3 ho's.

 *is shot*

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How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

 

Great food, no atmosphere.

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There are three ex-prostitutes at a bar.
They're all quite old and have seen a lot of action, and they're talking about their experiences.
The first woman says;
"I've had so much stuff inside me over my career, I can easily fit a cucumber up there now."
"Oh that's nothing." Says the second woman. "I've had so much jammed up there, I'm loose enough for a whole arm."
The third woman says nothing, instead she smiles, and lets herself slide down the barstool.

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Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

They're very time consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

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if your parachute breaks, don't worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it

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Why do flamingoes sleep with one foot in the air?

If they slept with both feet in the air, they'd fall down.

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Posted (edited)

So this atheist is hiking on a trail, being chased by a grizzly bear. Terrified and out of breath, he says, "God help me..."

Suddenly, the world freezes, and God appears before him, asking the atheist "Would you be willing to convert to Christianity?", and the atheist replied; "Well, I've been an atheist all my life, so it would be a little bit two-faced of me if I did so. Actually, what I was hoping for is that the bear would convert to Christianity."

And so God said, and there was, and he granted the atheist's wish.

So the world unfreezes, and to the atheist's surprise and confusion, the bear drops to it's knees, put's it's paws together, and says: "Thank you Lord for the gifts we are about to receive..."

Edited by Omofan556

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Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

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