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One day, Superman was flying over Metropolis and began to feel really horny. Trying to figure out what to do, he spotted Wonder Woman sunbathing, getting worked up and moaning. Superman figured, he's super fast. He'd fly down there, do his business with her, and before she realizes what's happening, he'll be gone. Mind made up, he rushed down, went in rapidly and flew away.

"What was that?" Wonder Woman asked.
"I don't know," said Invisible Man, "But my ass burns like hell!"

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar run by a Haskell programmer who is the bartender.
The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, the fourth an eighth, and so on.
The bartender has a solution for this.

      giveBeerToMathGuys :: [MathGuy] ->
      [(MathGuy,Beer)];giveBeerToMathGuys m=beer m 1 where beer (x:xs) k = (x,makeBeer k) : beer xs (k/2)

 So he pours two beers and walks away.

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There was a safety meeting in work today. They asked, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" 
"F###ing big ones," was the wrong answer.

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A  man's pet corgi was bothering his owner. 
"What do you want?" the owner asked.
"Food," the corgi replied.
"You just ate!"
"But I want more food!"
"No, you will get fat."
"What is fat?"
"Fat is when you eat too much."
The corgi thinks a moment. "Fat sounds awesome! Let's get fat!"

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A traveling man walks into a town and sees a guy sitting by himself looking sad so He decides  to buy the man a drink.

he then asks the sad man why was he sad

the sad man said “see that dock?i built that dock by myself, and do they call me Phil the dock builder? No!”

 

he then points to a to a field and says “I’ve farmed those fields for 30 years, and do they call me Phil the farmer?No!”

he then says “But then you fuck one goat-

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  • 2 weeks later...
 

A girl went to visit her grandma 

She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" 

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door.

When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?"

The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

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