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So, there's a fair amount of content here, and this should go in the off-topic, but I haven't used this new account much.

So, I told my girlfriend one day about the fetish knowing without a doubt she was against it just so there would be nothing between us. She flipped shit. Absolutely went nuts. Said I have no respect for her, that I don't love her, that I cheated on her because I watched videos of omo, and thinks she's not good enough because I've been doing this for 10 years prior to meeting her. She absolutely thinks having a fetish is wrong, but this is coming from a person who's kinks were choking and being beaten during sex. She compared me watching videos of omo to her going out and finding someone to fulfill her kinks. To her, those are on the same level and she actually believes that. Now, she does a lot of shit I don't like, but I do love her and want to be with her. So, at that point, I had really tried to move away from it and move on. 

Fast forward two months, and it came up again. Of course, when you do it for this long, it is hard to move on from. And of course she went nuts again, claiming all of the things I've mentioned prior. She honestly thinks it's not normal to get off to someone else and that it's cheating. Now, a little reference for you; I live about 2.5 hours away from her and only get to see her every 4-5 weeks. And I only have 4 pictures of her, and she refuses to masturbate. 

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It’s a difficult one, nobody else here knows the intricacies of your relationship. All we can really do is suggest things. We’d also need to hear her words to get the full story from both sides, too.

From what you’ve said, it seems like she’s quite controlling and quite set on her ways. It’s up to you how you handle that. Do you think you could reason with her? Explain to her that the fetish is something you will never indulge in with real people, and that you are completely fine with her masturbating to pornography? It seems like, unless you are okay with stopping indulging altogether, she won’t be happy - which is unfair on you, unless you both have some kind of no-masturbation agreement lol.

Your either need to work out a compromise with her, while reassuring her of your loyalty and ensuring she is clear and happy, or if that doesn’t work, decide for yourself whether you can live with these arguments going on in perpetuity.

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I'm no expert and I have only a tiny amount of info to go on, but it sounds like she has some serious self-worth and/or self-confidence issues.  Being that controlling seems like she is afraid of losing you to someone or something else, not necessarily because she cares about you so much, but rather because she is afraid to lose period.  Having an ego that fragile is a very unhealthy way to live in my opinion.

I personally wouldn't be with someone who would ask me to sacrifice what I like to please them.  Any relationship like that can't end well.  But, like I said, I'm no expert.  I could be totally off base here, but you did ask for opinions.

I would suggest therapy, but someone who talks to you like that probably wouldn't admit to ever being wrong or needing help.  Best of luck to you in any case.

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First reaction: dump her. Or in the words of Dan Savage: dtmfa.

Second reaction: why do you actually want to be with her? Specifics. Because a fulfilling sex life won't be one of them. People have different attitudes towards porn and nonnormative sex stuff, and they have different reasons for those attitudes, be they culture or personal (even just to be vindictive). She might be a fine person, but from what you've said, you are incompatible sexually, plus you don't even see her that often. Are you really willing to bet the rest of your life on her?

Third reaction: if she honestly thinks it is not normal for people—men and women, etc, alike—to stroke it to the thought or vision of another, then, well, she has another think coming. I presume she isn't a sociologist.

Fourth reaction: how old is she? do adults still think "masturbation is not normal"?

Fifth reaction: are you demanding she masturbate and then she refuses? Holy moly.

Sixth reaction: dtmfa and join fetlife. or something.

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Depending on what you really want in a relationship, I think that some degree of sexual differences are surmountable if you really love each other.

But, this strikes me as much more than just an incompatibility in sexual interests. If she's this willing to call your feelings for her into question over something that's entirely ordinary within a relationship (not this fetish in particular, but exploring interests in a fetish a partner doesn't share as a passive consumer when your contact with them is limited,) then I'd ask whether this is ordinary behavior for her in general. Does she react like this to your showing sexual interests in anything other than the activities you do together? That would be seriously controlling behavior, worse still if it extends beyond sexual things.

I think it's important also to consider what it is that motivates you to stay with her in particular. Attraction can be weird and unpredictable, but compatibility usually isn't. My own saying is, "You don't need reasons to fall in love, but you need reasons to stay in love." If you're considering whether or not to break off the relationship, I think that if you've decided you'll want out eventually, you might as well end things now. We're good at rationalizing our own decisions to ourselves, so rather than asking yourself "am I okay with being with her forever," I think it might be better to ask yourself "if I left her and looked for someone else, looking back on it years later, how likely am I to regret it?"

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It takes a lot of courage to tell your girlfriend your fetish. I admire you being open and not wanting to have any secrets between the two of you.

Abuse can do many things to a person and their psyche. If she has been in a relationship(s) where she was abused (and from your brief description it seems like it), then it is not surprising that that she would think she is "not enough" for you.  (It would not matter what fantasy or fetish, a reaction such as hers could come from any stimuli.)

It does not mean that you should or should not be together. She probably will never let the subject drop of your fetish, regardless of what kinks or fetishes she does have or had.

I know you love her and want to be with her. I have been as near as makes no difference to where you are now (same reaction, but different kinks for my ex). I know how hard it is to be with someone who cannot (or does not) get beyond one aspect of you as a person.

I know how lonely it is to be without someone. I also know how bad it is to be in the wrong relationship. (I am not judging you, her, or your relationship. I am just saying how it felt for me to be torn so much.)

 

My advice is that you consider whether this relationship is beneficial to you both.

You both live so far apart, it may not be feasible to see a counselor together. It MAY help you to talk to a counselor (my university has some); sit in on a co dependency group; or just talk to someone. You do not have to tell them your fetish unless you feel comfortable with them. I won't say that is easy - it was not an easy thing for me to see a counselor and talk about my relationship (and we did not even get into fetishes).

One final thought: A relationship takes two people who give to each other and understand each other. She may never share your fetish or masturbate for you, but she has to respect you. At the same time, you must realize that her view of relationships/intimacy/sex probably comes from whatever kinks were in the previous relationship she had and understand that it will probably not be the smoothest road in forming a relationship.

It does not mean it won't or can't happen. She may need to feel she is the most important relationship / focus in your life to not feel degraded. That does not mean you treat her that way, it just means she may feel that way.

I hope you can find a solution that makes both of you happy. Let me rephrase ... you can't (over a long term) make someone else happy as a substitute for their own happiness. You can support, listen, and care to allow them to heal. But, they do have to take responsibility to care for themselves and not equate you (and your relationship) to one that happened in the past.

 

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On 10/10/2017 at 1:31 PM, Nodrama said:

So, there's a fair amount of content here, and this should go in the off-topic, but I haven't used this new account much.

So, I told my girlfriend one day about the fetish knowing without a doubt she was against it just so there would be nothing between us. She flipped shit. Absolutely went nuts. Said I have no respect for her, that I don't love her, that I cheated on her because I watched videos of omo, and thinks she's not good enough because I've been doing this for 10 years prior to meeting her. She absolutely thinks having a fetish is wrong, but this is coming from a person who's kinks were choking and being beaten during sex. She compared me watching videos of omo to her going out and finding someone to fulfill her kinks. To her, those are on the same level and she actually believes that. Now, she does a lot of shit I don't like, but I do love her and want to be with her. So, at that point, I had really tried to move away from it and move on. 

Fast forward two months, and it came up again. Of course, when you do it for this long, it is hard to move on from. And of course she went nuts again, claiming all of the things I've mentioned prior. She honestly thinks it's not normal to get off to someone else and that it's cheating. Now, a little reference for you; I live about 2.5 hours away from her and only get to see her every 4-5 weeks. And I only have 4 pictures of her, and she refuses to masturbate. 

My first reaction is that your girlfriend's response was completely unreasonable.  However, I say this with the caveat that it may have, perhaps, been slightly reasonable depending on how you told her.  There is a huge difference in coming out to someone about your fetish just as a way of opening up to them, and coming out to someone and trying to push them into doing it for you.  If you told her in a way that was aggressive or threatening, it makes sense that she would respond so negatively.

Assuming that you told her in a way that was reasonable, however, her response sounds completely inappropriate.  If I were you, and my girlfriend reacted that way, I would seriously be questioning my relationship- If she reacts this way to you telling her about a kink you have, how would she react in the future to something that is of greater importance?  This goes far beyond her not being accepting of your fetish, but it seems like her acceptance of you as a human, as someone with basic human needs, is contingent entirely upon you staying within this idea of what she thinks you should be, if you stray away from that ideal she stops accepting any part of you.  For most people a fetish is a part of their identity, and though for many it isn't necessary to have a partner who shares your fetish, she should at least be able to accept you as you are.  If she can't do that, that is her problem, and there is no reason you should have to settle for that.

Another possibility is she is, at some level, ready to not be in this relationship any longer.  Even if she doesn't consciously realize it.  She may be convincing herself that she wants to be in this relationship with you, or at least her idea of what you should be, but once anything breaks that illusion she is holding onto she flips out and attacks you, as a way of driving you away, or trying to make you responsible for ending the relationship.

Yet another possibility is that she might have an Avoidance, or Anxious Avoidance attachment style.  Most modern psychology is built around something called Attachment Theory.  Without going too much into the theory or the research, most of us fall into a specific attachment style which characterizes our needs in interpersonal relationships.  A person with an Avoidance attachment style is threatened by intimacy, too much time together, and closeness.  These things make them feel insecure.  If this is her attachment style, one of the reasons the relationship with you might work is specifically because of the distance between you and how seldom you get to see her.  By confiding something so personal with her, that knowledge might be creating an intimacy that she is not comfortable with.

When we are in a relationship with someone, and that person does something that runs contrary to the needs of our attachment style, that produces a strong negative emotional reaction.  Her extreme negativity might come from a threat response from the greater intimacy created by you confiding this in her.  It is doubtful that even she would understand the why behind this feeling, all that she would know is she felt a strong repulsion and threat when you told her about your kink.

Regardless, life is far too short to stay in such toxic relationships.  Your needs are important too, and if her attachment style conflicts with yours, or if she is simply unwilling to accept this part of your identity, you deserve better.  She lives a long ways from you, it isn't like you are living together yet, it might be time to let the relationship end.

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