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So, let me just start by saying this is my first fanfic and let alone first fic in general that it involves using characters from a series. But I did try to put my all into this one and see how it goes if well received I may do more with the story if not you can consider this just a sort of 1 shot that I can learn from in the future (We all start somewhere right?) Criticism is loved and appreciated.

Anyway on with the show and I do hope you enjoy,
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Perhaps it was sheer bad luck? Or maybe it was just the fact that today was going to be a bad day, it didn’t start this bad woke up on my keyboard after a long night of gaming and had to quickly get ready for school nothing new for me all considering…

That’s when things fell apart of course school just seemed to drag on Asuna who is my childhood best friend nagged me about my tendencies wasn’t helping my mood much which I think she got the hint when she realized I didn’t bother touching the lunch she made for me…

So, I was hungry, thirsty and classes droned on all day the usual crap being called a ghoul or a ghost because of my overly pale skin and while I had a feminine look… I was a late bloomer my chest was pretty much flat and I still had a baby face according to my aunt though that could just be teasing for all I know.
Right, right back on track my point is today sucked more than usual so I suppose it only made sense that I was sitting in my room staring at my closet twiddling my thumbs and chewing on my lip… Sugu wasn’t home and my Aunt wasn’t either. This would probably be one of the only chances I would get to enjoy myself I stood up brushing my lengthy black hair to the side as I opened up the closet and opened up the cardboard box sitting within… Staring inside I felt the smile tugging at my cheeks just looking in it got me all giddy…

Diapers… Yeah, diapers I know what a strange and weird thing to be giddy about? Diapers of all things well I suppose it started- No, no not going to bother getting into that whole mess I’ll just outright say it I enjoy wearing them even using them… I can’t really argue I feel ashamed about enjoying such a thing I don’t even get to experience often let alone the full treatment… I’m what people call an ABDL? I think that’s the term.

Anyway, I enjoy the idea of being babied and wearing diapers I mean it isn’t something that I would 24/7 turn my entire life into but it is something that I would love to just enjoy and do without all the worry of family or friends finding out but that is a sob story for later right now there was a package of diapers and I intended to at least put one of them to use.

I quickly went to work undoing my skirt and letting it fall around my ankles kicking it off, proceeding by removing my black leggings and sliding them off revealing my pale white legs and purple panties that I had worn the previous day… I was in rush today alright?
 

I took those off and quickly snatched up a diaper from the box… I only had the diapers no other changing supplies or anything like that I did not exactly have the allowance to afford it that and I couldn’t just go up to my aunt and say, “Hey can you buy me stuff for my fetish?” It’s just wrong and humiliating to do so granted my Aunt is a rather understanding and kind person but I refuse to take advantage of that. Getting beyond that I placed the diaper around my crotch letting the crinkly plastic material wrap its self around it as I grabbed both the front and back and flopped onto my bed my butt sinking into the padding as I went to work on taping the diaper on properly… It had been awhile since I had gotten to do something like this and I planned to savor every single moment of it.

Once the diaper was all snug and comfortable I wiggled some standing up and looking into my bedroom mirror, my cheeks turning a shade of pink as I gave the padding a few pats and rubs… It was well, to be honest, comfortable honestly nothing could make this better…

Well one thing could ever since I realized today was just going to be one of those long drawn out bad days I had not bothered going to the bathroom and thus my need to expel my bladder was something that I been holding back for a while… I felt my cheeks warm up at the thought as I stripped my school jacket and shirt off and replacing it with a plain black tank top.

I exited my room heading for the living room every step I made giving an audible crinkle Sugu was out probably at Kendo practice and aunty was probably busy at work which meant I had the house to myself for a while and did not have to worry about a thing eventually reaching the couch I sat down on the couch sinking into the seat as I let myself visibly relax giggling some.

I rubbed my legs together as I moved my hand in front of my padding closing my eyes as I mumbled to myself as I felt the seat of my padding begin to grow warm before it went all the way up to my crotch my ears focused on the hissing as liquid hit against the plastic padding and adsorbed the intentional accident I was having.

I giggled as I experienced the warm afterglow of the accident relaxing more into the couch “Hehe hadda accident.” I gave the front of the diaper a soft squeeze before rubbing it some relaxing even more into the seat until something unexpected decided to come out.

My padding puffed out as unexpected noise of me farting interrupted my rest and relaxation… I had to poop as well? I was almost tempted to just get up and go to the bathroom the smell would be an annoyance and I’d have to spray the living room.

As you can probably guess I didn’t I decided to get up off the couch only for a moment before I buckled my legs some to where I was squatting before I began to push, another fart released from my rear end puffing out the diaper some more and not long after I began to feel the backside of the padding warm up as I began to slowly let go into the back of my padding once covering as much space as possible the mess in my diaper began to move up to near the front in order to make room for more.

Eventually, I was done letting out a huff as I moved my hand to my backside “…I-I went poopy.” I giggled rubbing my bloated backside the bulge and the distasteful smell entering the air making it clear of what I did and before I even had the chance to react an unexpected voice entered my ears making my entire body freeze and my eyes snap wide open.
 

“K-k-Kazuto!?” My brain began to work at hyper speed trying to think of what to say but nothing could come out I was trapped and frozen my mouth hanging open as I was slack-jawed the only sound coming up was a whine of terror… How had I entirely forgotten today was me and Asuna’s study session, usually it was at Asuna’s place much to the distaste of her mother, but still today happened to of been the exception I had said my place… Because nobody was going to be home so there was no chance of any interruptions… I had no clue how to get out of this situation? How long had she been watching? How long had she been standing there?

Eventually, my mind came to the conclusion that I better at least respond “U-uh it’s not what it-“Before I could even finish my line of speech she had quickly retorted and a rather more embarrassed tone it didn’t sound of a venom of disgust or rage.

“D-do you need help?” …Well, now my brain could not even think properly that or I had passed out and this was all a dream my childhood friend was asking if I needed help… My only response was a humiliated slow nod of my head I could feel the tears forming in my eyes I had been caught in my little fun… And now she probably thought I was some kind of weirdo or freak…

How wrong I was the moment I was pulled into a hug and slowly but surely felt my hair being stroked and being pulled back onto the couch at this point the smell of my mess was way off my mind or anything else despite it being squished up against me as I was forced into the chestnut-haired girl’s lap she cooed me slowly as she stroked my hair.

Was I dreaming? Was I imagining this? I was wearing a dirty diaper while sitting in Asuna Yuuki’s lap… Her voice was comforting and calming to my senses now and I felt myself relax in her embrace as I was still crying.

“It’ll be ok... I won’t tell anyone about this I promise baby…” I was melting in her arms practically she had no clue but she was hitting all of the notes “Kazuko? Where're your changing supplies?” She asked me obviously insisting on helping me.

I just shook my head in response to her question, she just cooed in response before talking again “Oh now I think I get it~” she giggled out as her hand slid down from my back rubbing my padding “Ka-zu-ko you are such a big baby it is adorable.” She said in a cutesy manner as she continued to rub my padding giving it a few pats, eventually, she leaned in whispering into my ear.

“Your secret is safe with me baby girl~” With those words I had come to the realization that Asuna was either exactly the same thing I was or was somewhat aware of it… Either way what happened next wasn’t a studying session but by the time we were over I was in my pajama’s in bed the only difference being…

I was in a clean diaper wrapped up in my blankets and for the first time in a while, I had a good night rest and I slept like a baby. 

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It seemed a little rushed to me. I think it would have been better if you'd taken the time to properly explore things other than just the payoff. You didn't really give the readers much time to start caring about the characters before you jumped right into the fetish content, so I didn't really get very invested in the work as a whole. In fact, I had to take extra effort not to just skim through it.

This is certainly far from being the worst thing I've read in recent memory (for the actual worst thing I've read in recent memory look up "The Problem of Asuna Yuuki" on this site, that one was literally so bad that I tried to rip it off out of sheer spite, which is unusual behavior for a guy so entrenched in apathy like me, and thus Asuna's Descent was born), but it is still evident that this is your first story. However as far as first stories go, it is on the better end of the spectrum, as far as I can tell. Keep at it!

One more specific problem that really jumped out at me: you really overuse ellipses (the "..."). You should not be making the narration trail off every other sentence, because that makes the reader pause their reading every five to ten seconds, maybe more if you're slow, and that can get annoying really fast. I'd say you need to divide your ellipse usage by ten, give or take.

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On 6/10/2017 at 7:24 AM, writerforce6 said:

It seemed a little rushed to me. I think it would have been better if you'd taken the time to properly explore things other than just the payoff. You didn't really give the readers much time to start caring about the characters before you jumped right into the fetish content, so I didn't really get very invested in the work as a whole. In fact, I had to take extra effort not to just skim through it.

This is certainly far from being the worst thing I've read in recent memory (for the actual worst thing I've read in recent memory look up "The Problem of Asuna Yuuki" on this site, that one was literally so bad that I tried to rip it off out of sheer spite, which is unusual behavior for a guy so entrenched in apathy like me, and thus Asuna's Descent was born), but it is still evident that this is your first story. However as far as first stories go, it is on the better end of the spectrum, as far as I can tell. Keep at it!

One more specific problem that really jumped out at me: you really overuse ellipses (the "..."). You should not be making the narration trail off every other sentence, because that makes the reader pause their reading every five to ten seconds, maybe more if you're slow, and that can get annoying really fast. I'd say you need to divide your ellipse usage by ten, give or take.

Rushed seems about right Originally it was 5k words with far more focus on setting things up... Then it got wiped the issue wasn't the desire to rewrite all of it the issue was I forgot a lot of what I wrote down at the start and more it frustrated me to no end because in my mind it had been really well pieced together so I decided to just go basic and post something 'meh' with thoughts of improving on it.

Granted I'm sure people who enjoy reading with one hand will enjoy this and if you do awesome. As far as continuing this I probably won't as I'm tossing around a lot of ideas in my head at the moment and don't want to use the basis of something that got me frustrated as a catalyst but I'll come back to this at some point and probably redo it if I can get the details of what I had in mind all down.

The inner critic in me actually wants to rant about how annoyed I am at this but then again I've been on FF.net recently and was just reading some cute fluffy yuri and found a lot and I mean A LOT of bad fanfics that made me realize that this is hardly as bad and those weren't even fetish fics... (Not to say that I'm a better Author everyone has a beginning.)

 

 

 

 

Edited by Shirou (see edit history)
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